M-Dog

I posted this last year during all the conference re-alignment buzz, but I thought I would re-post it again today in honor of Nebraska's 1st day in the B1G.

(It turns out I was a little off on Iowa and Wisconsin.  There's more true Iowa hate there than I realized.  The Wisconsin hate was ruined a ltiile bit by the B1G by putting them IN THE WRONG DIVISION.) 

Anyway . . .

Nebraska fans: Who you'll hate in the Big 10 and why.

OhioState:

You will instantly hate Ohio State.  Everyone always does.  You will find their fans ignorant, crass, and crude.  You will wonder why there are not jail cells in Ohio Stadium like there are in the Pros.  Of all of the Big 10 schools, Ohio State will remind you the most of a Big 12 South school.

Michigan:

You will find Michigan fans arrogant with a sense of entitlement, but for no justifiable reason.  They will be knowledgeable and friendly when you visit their house, but they will talk about you behind your back.  You will get so sick of hearing about the split 1997 National Championship that you will gladly give them the crystal trophy from your half of the title, just to shut them up.  Of all of the Big 10 teams, Michigan fans will treat you like a guest in "their" conference the longest.

PennState:

Penn State will be assigned to you as one of your designated rivals.  You will not be asked your opinion about this.  It will be for the Big 10's convenience, not yours.  You will try to play along, but you won't actually hate Penn State.  You will find their constant whining about the refs, the scheduling, the weather, the whatever, to be pathetic.  You'll pity them more than hate them.

MichiganState:

You will not hate Michigan State at first.  Until they finally beat you.  Then you will hate Michigan State.  That one win is all you'll hear about until your ears bleed.  It won't matter if you beat them the next 9 years in a row, that one win is all you'll hear about.  Nobody gets more mileage out of one win per decade than Michigan State. 

Iowa:

You will feel compelled to hate Iowa because of proximity.  The rivalry will be intense and passionate, but as long as you win your fair share, it will never quite digress into true pure hatred.  You will be a little disappointed by this.

Wisconsin:

This will be your biggest rival.  When you look in the mirror, you will see Wisconsin.  Everything you like about yourself you will see in Wisconsin.  Everything you don't like about yourself you will see in Wisconsin.  You both currently occupy the position of kings of honest, in-your-face, power football.  The Big 10 town won't be big enough for the both of you.

Illinois:

Illinois will annoy the hell out of you.  They will show up once a year and declare themselves your biggest rival, even though you'll have no recollection of actually losing to them.  After your game with them, you will completely forget all about them until next year when they will remind you again.

Minnesota:

You will dread playing Minnesota.  Not because of the hatred of a bitter rivalry, but because there is just nothing to gain.  If you win, it was what you were supposed to do.  If you lose, it will always be in the back of your mind:  We just lost to Minnesota.  Is this the inflection point of a lousy season?  Ask Penn State about this.

Northwestern:

You will admire and respect Northwestern for how, against the odds of being a small private academic school, they still field some competitive winning teams.  You will show your admiration and respect by beating the crap out of them.

Indiana and Purdue:

You won't care at all about Indiana and Purdue.  You will feel bad about this.  But you still won't care.

It appears that the thinking of the B10 Office regarding The Game goes something like this:

"It would be a shame to have a setup where Michigan and Ohio State could not play each other for the Big 10 title.  Besides, a potential Michigan-Ohio State Big 10 title game would have tremendous appeal to the networks when we're trying to sell the broadcast rights (not that we would ever let a thing like that drive our decision making . . . wink, wink).

So to make this a possibility, we'll put Michigan and Ohio State into separate divisions. 

But this creates a new problem.  It would be a bad thing if they played each other the last game of the season and then played immediately again in the Big 10 championship game.  This could dilute the interest of the networks to whom we are trying to sell the broadcast rights (not that we would ever let a thing like that drive our decision making . . . wink, wink).

So we'll move The Game to earlier in the season so that there will be time for the networks to "cleanse their palettes" between the two games.  Problem solved.  We'll slip this past everybody by announcing it in drips and drabs in late August, and no one will be the wiser.  Martini Time."

While it may seem like a tidy little solution to the Big 10 Office, many Michigan fans and college football fans in general are outraged.  We believe The Game should be played the last game of the season, one shot.  You have to go through the other team to advance.  Win or lose, it's final.  It's the cumulative end-point of the season, the crown jewel of "rivalry weekend".

We now have to hope against hope that the Big 10 Office will come to its senses and not let what happened to the epic Oklahoma-Nebraska and Miami-Florida State rivalries happen to the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry.

But if the Big 10 still insists on putting Michigan and Ohio State in separate divisions and not allowing them to play each other back-to-back in the regular season and the Big 10 championship game, there may be a way to do that that still preserves the essence and tradition of The Game:

- Play all of the traditional Big 10 rivalry games, including The Game, at the end of the Big 10 season the Saturday before Thanksgiving, just like they are played now.

- Schedule a non-conference game the Saturday after Thanksgiving, between the last Big 10 season game and the Big 10 championship game. 

The non-conference game would be like that end of season Hawaii game that many of the Big 10 teams have played over the years, except now it would be for everybody. 

There would be plenty of tomato cans available to schedule for the end of season non-conference slot, most of whom would have finished their own regular seasons and would welcome the extra paycheck.  The two Big 10 championship game opponents can rest their first string and use this game to give their second/third string some reps.  The non-Big 10 championship game teams can use the non-conference game to keep their team sharp for the bowls, avoiding a long layoff.   

The significance and tradition of the Big 10 rivalry games would be preserved.  They would still be played at the end of the Big 10 season on "rivalry weekend" the way they are now, and would still be the final word on the Big 10 standings.  The non-conference games would have no bearing on the Big 10 standings or a slot in the Big 10 championship game.

This solution is not perfect of course.  Many fans will not relish the idea of sitting in a cold stadium in late November to watch their team take on the seventh place MAC team.  The networks would not exactly be scrambling to show these games either.  Luckily for the Big 10, we have our own network to save the day.  It can be an all-BTN overflow channel extravaganza day.  The Big 10 would even get to keep all the TV money.

This is by no means preferable to the sensible solution of keeping Michigan and Ohio State in the same division and letting them brawl it out in The Game at the end of the season for the division crown and the right to go to the Big 10 championship. 

If the Big 10 is adamant on putting Michigan and Ohio State in seperate divisions, then The Game should still be played as the last game of the season.  There is no good reason to move it every year because of the possibility the teams might play each other consecutively a couple times a decade.

But if the Big 10 is hung up on Michigan and Ohio State never playing each other back to back and won't budge from this position, then a non-conference buffer game would be much more preferrable to moving The Game to the middle of the season.  As a last ditch effort to keep The Game from becoming just “a game” it may be the best hope we’ve got.

A few weeks ago, a link was posted about Nebraska fans speculating who their biggest rivals in the Big 10 will be. 

Here is the answer to that question, from the Big 10 insider's perspective:

Ohio State:

You will instantly hate Ohio State.  Everyone always does.  You will find their fans ignorant, crass, and crude.  You will wonder why there are not jail cells in Ohio Stadium like there are in the Pros.  Of all of the Big 10 schools, Ohio State will remind you the most of a Big 12 South school.

Michigan:

You will find Michigan fans arrogant with a sense of entitlement, but for no justifiable reason.  They will be knowledgeable and friendly when you visit their house, but they will talk about you behind your back.  You will get so sick of hearing about the split 1997 National Championship that you will gladly give them the crystal trophy from your half of the title, just to shut them up.  Of all of the Big 10 teams, Michigan fans will treat you like a guest in "their" conference the longest.

Penn State:

Penn State will be assigned to you as one of your designated rivals.  You will not be asked your opinion about this.  It will be for the Big 10's convenience, not yours.  You will try to play along, but you won't actually hate Penn State.  You will find their constant whining about the refs, the scheduling, the weather, the whatever, to be pathetic.  You'll pity them more than hate them.

Michigan State:

You will not hate Michigan State at first.  Until they finally beat you.  Then you will hate Michigan State.  That one win is all you'll hear about until your ears bleed.  It won't matter if you beat them the next 9 years in a row, that one win is all you'll hear about.  Nobody gets more mileage out of one win per decade than Michigan State. 

Iowa:

You will feel compelled to hate Iowa because of proximity.  The rivalry will be intense and passionate, but as long as you win your fair share, it will never quite digress into true pure hatred.  You will be a little disappointed by this.

Wisconsin:

This will be your biggest rival.  When you look in the mirror, you will see Wisconsin.  Everything you like about yourself you will see in Wisconsin.  Everything you don't like about yourself you will see in Wisconsin.  You both currently occupy the position of kings of honest, in-your-face, power football.  The Big 10 town won't be big enough for the both of you.

Illinois:

Illinois will annoy the hell out of you.  They will show up once a year and declare themselves your biggest rival, even though you'll have no recollection of actually losing to them.  After your game with them, you will completely forget all about them until next year when they will remind you again.

Minnesota:

You will dread playing Minnesota.  Not because of the hatred of a bitter rivalry, but because there is just nothing to gain.  If you win, it was what you were supposed to do.  If you lose, it will always be in the back of your mind:  We just lost to Minnesota.  Is this the inflection point of a lousy season?  Ask Penn State about this.

Northwestern:

You will admire and respect Northwestern for how, against the odds of being a small private academic school, they still field some competitive winning teams.  You will show your admiration and respect by beating the crap out of them.

Indiana and Purdue:

You won't care at all about Indiana and Purdue.  You will feel bad about this.  But you still won't care.

Bumped from the diaries for general excellence. -ed

To:      Coach Rodriguez

From:  The Michigan Faithful

Re:      Michigan Traditions

Greetings, Coach Rodriguez!

By now, we are sure that you are getting acclimated to our fine University and to the beautiful town of Ann Arbor, arguably the greatest college town in the country.  Please give all of our best wishes to Rita and the kids.

No doubt you've noticed that we here at Michigan take our traditions pretty seriously.  Some would say that perhaps we are a little overly tradition-bound, but when you are the winningest program in history, across three centuries, well you can understand our pride.

We have noted with regret, however, the recent unfortunate incident where you assigned the hallowed #1 jersey to an incoming freshman, violating the sacred tradition of awarding it to the top wide receiver who has earned it during his career.  Many of the Michigan faithful were quite upset.  Indeed, you may have heard from one or two of us about it.

In your defense, Rich, we take you at face value when you say you didn't know about the tradition.  And we appreciate how quickly you moved to address the situation once you were made aware of it.  We hope to put this unfortunate incident behind us.

In fact, it occurred to us that there may be other Michigan traditions that you don't yet know about.  Even though we are a top program and always in the national spotlight, there may still be some Michigan traditions that have escaped your attention.  It would not be fair to just assume that you know what they are.

So as a public service, Rich, here is a list of some important Michigan traditions that you may not have heard about.  All you need to do is to uphold these special traditions during your tenure here, and you will always stay in our good graces.

National Championships:

When it comes to National Championships, Coach, Michigan brings home the hardware.  Yes, we're proud of our consistency and bowl streak and all of that, but what really defines Michigan is the constant National Championships.  You may not know this, Rich, but Michigan has won multiple National Championships in every single decade since the 1800's.  Be sure to put it at the top of your list to see the display case of all of the crystal football National Championship trophies, just as soon as they find the missing key to the trophy room.  Trust us, they're really quite impressive.  We are confident, Rich, that you will have no trouble keeping this tradition alive.

Winning the Rose Bowl:

Plain and simple, Rich, it's a Michigan tradition to dominate the Rose Bowl.  We haven't lost one yet, and most of them haven't even been close.  It's considered a disaster when Michigan only wins by a touchdown.  Sometimes it actually gets a little embarrassing, but it's really not our fault that those west coast teams always show up lethargic, disoriented and not ready to play, while Michigan comes in loose and confident.  What can we say?  Michigan owns the Rose Bowl.  Let's keep it going, Coach.

Unpredictable Play Calling:

Michigan is known for its wildly unpredictable play calling, a tradition that goes back to Bo.  We are a very hard team to prepare for.  Opponents are always quoted as saying "We never know what they are going to do."  To this day, Keith Jackson still talks about how stunned the crowd was when Lloyd called the Statue of Liberty play on 5 straight 4th down's in the 2004 Rose Bowl.  Good memories.  You have big shoes to fill here, Rich, but we think you are just the kind of guy that can do it.

Tough Scheduling:

Coach, Michigan's motto has always been "Anybody, Anywhere, Anytime".  Michigan does not dodge the top teams.  Our non-conference schedule is always the toughest in the country.  While our Big 10 brothers sleep-walk through games with the Ball State's, EMU's, and Toledo's of the world, Big House fans get to see the likes of Oklahoma, LSU, and USC every season.  No one will ever forget the year when they had to cancel the National Championship game because Michigan had already beaten all of the other BCS bowl teams.

Night Games:

Night games are a big tradition in Ann Arbor.  We typically schedule two or three every season.  There's nothing like the electricity of a Big House game on a crisp night against a big time opponent.  People are still talking about that thrilling night game against Ohio State in 2005 when the Buckeyes' last-gasp comeback attempt was thwarted as Gonzalez lost the ball in the lights.

Fast Starts:

Michigan is known for its fast starts in games.  We take care of business, and we do it early.  Look, nobody ever likes to be accused of running up the score, but when you hang half-a-hundred on your opponent by the start of the third quarter, you're only guilty of cutting to the chase.  Why delay the inevitable, you know?

Dominating our Opponents:

Michigan has a tradition of dominating our opponents, weak or strong.  We never play down to our opponent's level, our philosophy is to make 'em all play up to our level.  So whether its Appalachian State (we sincerely apologize for the humiliating beat-down we put on them last year, the whole college football world is still shocked) or USC, every opponent always gets Michigan's "A" game.

Intimidating Crowds:

Get used to it, Rich, the Big House is LOUD.  You'll have the most intimidating fans in the country behind you.  Even the rich old alumni in the expensive seats joke about their "walk of shame" leaving the stadium, when they realize how out of control they got.  Be prepared to take a few unsporstmanlike conduct penalties because of it.  It just goes with playing in the Big House.

Attractive Cheerleaders:

Michigan cheerleaders have always been and always will be, as the kids like to say, "hot".  They don't call them the Song Girls of the North for nothing.  We know you are very busy, Rich, but someone in your position should be able to have some influence over the selection of the cheerleaders.  In fact, it might even be a pleasant distraction from the day-to-day grind of preparing a football team.  (P.S. Please insist that they wear the Maize sweaters and matching mini-skirts at all times.  If the football team can step it up in all kinds of weather, so can the cheerleaders, right?)

So there it is Rich, some of the important traditions of Michigan football you may not know about. 

Now, you may have heard that we are a little hard to please, but nothing could actually be further from the truth.  All you need to do is keep our time-honored traditions alive and well, and everyone is happy.

Good luck, Coach, and GO BLUE!

The Michigan Faithful