Who reads Richard III anyway? The only history I ever got through was Henry V
landing spot. will be interesting to see how he does.
After reading Michael Rosenberg’s brilliantly written, well-researched and intelligently unbiased article “A look inside Rodriguez’s rigorous football program at Michigan” that has gained so much media attention as of late, I decided that I should also focus my attention on an expose for the benefits of my readership and everyone in the world.
I first became aware of this issue when searching the internet for information on Mr. Rosenberg. Michael Rosenberg clearly condones the use of drugs as is evidenced by photographs directly from his publicity website [scroll down].
But how much junk is too much?
According to the 1984 Drug Offenders Act, the 1986 Analogue Act, the Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1988 and the Second Act of Shakespeare’s Richard III written in 1591 (none of which have I actually read), any and all use is non-permissible. But numerous members of the Free Press staff have routinely broken these rules.
How do I know this?
Well thanks to my journalistic prowess, I have interviewed ten employees comprised of former team members, two current employees and a shepherd with a lazy eye named Quanto. The two current employees agreed to talk with us only if we would keep their names anonymous for fear of punishment. Another requirement of their involvement was that we take their words and horribly skew them in favor of our “journalistic opinion”.
Two of the team members described the on-going drug use as “ridiculous”. One team member actually witnessed another employee taking a spoon from the kitchen, no doubt for the purpose of booting black tar heroin. Family members of the staff have routinely expressed concern over the amount of illicit drugs being imbibed. I was shocked to find that during one of our interviews, a current staff member sneezed which is on record as a common symptom of heavy cocaine usage.
A member of the sports writing staff who has been suspended in the past for printing information that was not factual stated, “We know the drug policy. Everyone knows the drug policy. Drug use is voluntary. But everyone knows it’s not voluntary. Having your articles published is also voluntary, you know?” He followed that with two winks and a nudge.
I tried to reach higher officials in the company for their reaction to these allegations but they were unavailable. (By “tried to reach”, I of course mean that I air-dialled their phone numbers on my son’s Elmo Phone and then whispered into the universe, “Are you available for comment?”. I received no response.)
After beginning this article, I spoke candidly with two of the newest team members at the DFP to find out what their experiences had been. One junior copy boy commented with a smile on his face, “Oh I love it here. They have donuts every morning.” Clearly the innocent young man was unaware that the donuts had surely been provided to quell the constant hunger that arises from frequent use of a drug called “marijuana”.
It’s unfortunate that such a well-respected community of journalists and their staff could have fallen into such a deep hole. We can only hope that the United States government will step in and arrest all of them, if for no other reason than their shameful and willful abuse of the first amendment.
[This article has been written in satire and parody and like the article it has been written in response to, it's almost completely unfactual. These comments are not the views of mgoblog.com or any of it's operators, developers, advisors, employees, spouses, friends, family members, pets or co-workers. If you've gotten this far and haven't realized that this is a joke, you should probably apply for a job at the Detroit Free Press.]
Who reads Richard III anyway? The only history I ever got through was Henry V
HAHAHA. Excellent post.
C'mon now... Is this what it's coming to?!? Don't drop to Rosenburgs level. Let it go and support RR and Michigan Football. THAT is what we need right now!
I agree, it all needs to be over and done with. But satire is cathartic. I've been climbing the walls waiting for this season to begin only to have my first week build up and anticipation tarnished by a no-talent excuse for a "journalist" and I needed to get the venom out of my system so I could focus on the joy of destroying Western. :)
I absolutely loved the satire. I do agree with MaizeBlueIce in that there has been a lot of anticipation for this season. This dastardly story may have put some water on the preseason flames throughout the Wolverine fan family.
Food for thought: It has happened that some journalists have created a sensational story in an attempt to garner their own media attention. I personally know a less-than-accurate TV news story in which the reporter was soon after gobbled up by a low-life TV station. Perhaps he was performing an on-the-job "interview" for the other job. Do we smell a similar ulterior motive in Rosenberg’s piece (of crap)? Considering the DFP's woes, perhaps Rosenberg is looking for some pub to get out. If so, it makes him even a greater ass -- if it's possible.
Beginning September 5, 2009, it should be each fan's duty to take this feeling of being s*** on by some Woodward wanna-be that we turn up the flames on this boiling cauldron and into the loudest and raucous crowd the Big House has ever heard (times 8)!
Rosenberg is a creep and a fun sucker. Let's not have him ruin the party.
I'm sorry, but we need to be clear about the distinction between "mud slinging" and satire. It is not the same thing to make baseless allegations in a news article as it is to lampoon such activities in a satirical essay.
This need not even be disclaimed as satire, as the author overly-graciously decided to do. From a legal standpoint, no liability for libel (or copyright infringement, for that matter) could ever attach to something so obviously satirical.
It is also very funny. Well done.
Excellent use of facts...I mean farce. But one question remains were any animals harmed during your investigative reporting?
Who is Shakespeare?
...but I think he was one of Fielding Yost's assistant coaches.
the link to Amazon.com is gone. I wonder why. Ha Ha.
...the book, like his "research", may never have existed.
And there were 119 this morning. Apparently, Amazon deleted 20 of the reviews. One troll did get his five star review at the top with typical anti-UM rhetoric, though.
I am having a lot of fun catching up with the podcasts of WTKA's coverage; it's nice to hear some optimism on the radio.
air dialing with your son's Elmo phone.
Well done, sir!
That is all.
the Michael Rosenberg publicity site, which will undoutedly contain information about his newest book "How I Survived Torture Tuesdays and Lived to Tell About It" not only tells us that Michael's life long dream is to write, but also all of the evidence to make the conclusion that Michael was clearly drunk when he penned his latest expose:
"Michael has always wanted to write a book, but first he had to learn to walk, eat solid food, read, type and drink beer. He had accomplished most of these tasks by the age of 19, but that is when he discovered that he really, really liked beer. This set the book-writing process back another 10 years."
Which would explain the illogical ramblings and complete lack of fact checking . . .
Wonder if his editor was drinking the same kool-aid as Michael?
Pretty sure that also means he was drinking beer illegally... I really hope when the cops come to arrest him he doesn't try and use the, "Everyone else does it!" excuse...
Needed a good chuckle today. I only wish I could give you multiple points on this one. My nieghbor 2 houses down has a dog named Quanto. Is this the same dog??
Quanto was kicked out of the Free Press grazing grounds and said some nasty comments on his way out. He has nothing but ill will for Rosenberg and the Freep after that speedy freshman Little Bo Peep replaced him on the depth chart. Whatever he has to say about the Free Press is garbage.
Aboverage article. +1!
nice use of aboverage!
I loved the post. We can all use a little sarcasm in our life. The truly sad part is that this post has more thought and journalistic integrity than Rosenberg's article.
Great to end the afternoon with a laugh. Loved it.
That was entertaining to say the least. When Rosenberg gets a promotion to be a coffee maid at the National Enquirer, you should take his job at Freep. You better do it quick though, Freep has been on life support for a while...
Thanks. That was a balm to my psyche.
A hard-hitting exposé. Well done.