I Hate Everything

Submitted by Swayze Howell Sheen on

After games like this, or actually during games like this, I can feel a simple feeling inside of me: hate. A pure and simple emotion, and one that shouldn't be suppressed. And as the game progressed, I realize that my hate is very generic and can be applied to most anything and everyone. And yes, this is a form of therapy, so please indulge me.

I hate Matt Millen. Did you ever see a guy come less prepared to a game? A bunch of people have said "well, at least he's a good color commentator" which is complete horse crap - he clearly knew very little about Michigan and would just make things up on the fly about various players. Like that Mouton is one of those "smart, cagey" veterans who knows where to be on the field, but just gets beat physically sometimes (he seriously said something of this nature). And on and on. Man am I sick of Millen - and I won't even mention how he ran the Lions into the ground in epic fashion, or at least I won't dwell on it. 

Millen: Bad at everything

I hate those goddamned three buckeye fans they show over and over and over and over again. You know the guys: cowboy guy in white, crazy hair with nut necklace, and silver face. All are pretty fat. Note to camera people: THERE ARE OTHER FANS IN THE STANDS. Christ, they should make a movie about them. It would go something like this: three losers get way over-dressed up every week to watch football. During the rest of the week, they live at home with their mothers, who beat them. It is not a good movie, probably foreign.



This is silver face. I hate him, even if he missed Stef.

I have Jim Tressel. Oh fuck all of you who say "well, he's classy" and all of that shit. He is a smug asshole and he coaches the other team - do you really need to pump that guy up? And seriously, if I hear him talk one more time, well, actually I never hear him talk, because by the third word, I am asleep. Could a guy be more fucking boring? And if I hear him talk about how this senior class is special, Christ, YOU SAY THAT EVERY DAMN YEAR. I hate you, and I hate your senior class.



A Hawaiian shirt, seriously?

I hate those little gold pants they give each buckeye who beats Michigan. It's a PAIR OF PANTS, asshole. I don't care about your stupid traditions, and I sure don't care how many pairs of tiny pants you have. Why don't you buy some tiny dolls to go with those tiny pants, that would be swell. At least by losing a lot, the tradition is being confused: current players probably just think Tressel likes tiny pants and gives them to the players at the end of the year. Of course, if they could stay awake during his speeches, they might know better.



Stupid gold pants: they are so special you can buy them on ebay.

I hate Jim Harbaugh. Why? BECAUSE HE IS NOT OUR DAMNED COACH. And until he is, I hate him, pretty much like I hate all other coaches.



See how it says "STANFORD HEAD COACH"?

I hate people who cheer for the "Big Ten" during Bowl Season. Christ, you think I'm going to get all excited for MSU or OSU during their bowl game? Fuck that - I cheer for them to lose, and I cheer for it to be a blowout. Really, the only thing that remains positive in my mind about 2006 was watching OSU get destroyed in the bowl game. The look on Tressel's face that night was precious. If you watch closely, you can see him reach into his pockets near the end of game, and rub a tiny pair of gold pants. Well, he is rubbing something in there, that I'm sure of. 



Are you seriously going to cheer for this asshole?

I hate stupid fans. Especially when they call into talk radio, over and over again, to say the same damned things. I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK THEY SHOULD FIRE RICH ROD. Of course, I also hate myself for listening to talk radio, which is generally a waste of time and grey matter. 



This is Sam Webb, whom I actually like (Ira too).

I hate people who can't understand that we essentially started the entire football program over. It's kind of like a plane crashed with Lloyd's team on it, and we had to start from scratch. That's how you should judge the team, dammit. Almost everyone good on the team is a sophomore, and many of those would be redshirt freshman on a normal team. WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? I KNOW WHY: BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE RANDOM FAN WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND BASIC THINGS.



This is the second hit for "dumb people" on google images

I hate people who cheer for Michigan to lose, so that we can fire the coach. There probably aren't many of you, but you suck. When you see a young team, physically overmatched in so many positions, trying so hard out there every week, even when the results aren't there, and you cheer against them, you are nothing but the most horrible kind of asshole. The team puts in a lot of effort, never quits, and all you do, sucky fan, is sit there and hope that they lose. Fuck off.

I hate Kirk Herbstreit. I saw him in person at a gameday once, and let me tell you, he is surprisingly short. And, surprisingly still a douchebag. I am hoping that he catches a stroke from Corso, though my sources tell me it isn't contagious. Oh well, maybe Corso, in some stroke-fueled rage, will stab Herbstreit repeatedly while putting on some kind of goofy hat. Desmond will just watch, smiling, and maybe do a Heisman pose.



Herby, you suck.

I hate all the links to articles in the freep or detnews. WHO FUCKING CARES? Do people read this crap anymore? Could it be any clearer that columnists for those papers are shitty writers with very little knowledge of sports? For god's sake STOP READING THOSE PAPERS AND THEN POSTING SOMETHING HERE ABOUT HOW BAD THEY ARE. It is not hard, you just remove the "bookmark" to freep.com from your browser, asshole. Newspapers are dying for a good reason - their only reason for existence was the fact that they could distribute information cheaply. Then came internet, and content mattered. OOPS! Bye bye shitty newspapers.



This is a crumpled newspaper. OH THE SYMBOLISM

As you can tell, I could go on, because right now, I am feeling a lot of hate. But there is one thing here that I love, which is true for most of you too: Michigan football. And that's why I keep coming back. Those kids who put on the maize and blue and fight every week, even when the odds are against them, well, that is what I love. I'll watch the bowl game, and cheer like hell for them to win, and feel sad if they lose, and then I'll prepare for the long off-season of crap, full of things I hate. 

To those whom this article has offended, well, guess what: I hate you. And if you write "tl;dr" I hate you too -- at least try to be original, asshole. But if I bored you or was less funny than intended, well, sorry about that. It's the hate getting in the way of writing a quality diary, I swear it.

[EDIT: April 2016 to fix stale picture links - couldn't find all the originals]

 

Comments

jbibiza

November 28th, 2010 at 1:55 PM ^

The sign about Lytle said something like Fremont, Ohio remembers or honors you - an attempt to be classy that should be respected even from that fool.  

By the way, I hate no one but I really LOVE Michigan football and the OP quote about these guys working hard and giving their best was gold (not pants).

GO BLUE!

Steve in PA

November 28th, 2010 at 10:59 AM ^

I hate people who cheer for the "Big Ten" during Bowl Season. Christ, you think I'm going to get all excited for MSU or OSU during their bowl game? Fuck that - I cheer for them to lose, and I cheer for it to be a blowout. Really, the only thing that remains positive in my mind about 2006 was watching OSU get destroyed in the bowl game. The look on Tressel's face that night was precious. If you watch closely, you can see him reach into his pockets near the end of game, and rub a tiny pair of gold pants. Well, he is rubbing something in there, that I'm sure of.

 

This alone is worth 1000 pts

bluewave720

November 28th, 2010 at 11:14 AM ^

When I read things like this, all I can do is grunt and say "Me Too!!!"

My brain just took a necessary cathartic dump of pure negativity after reading this thread.  I feel better and lighter.  Strong fucking work, Coach S.  You said what was in all our hearts, or in my case apparently, my brain colon.

Harvest Wain

November 28th, 2010 at 11:31 AM ^

I believe your sources are correct. I don't think Herbie can catch a stroke from Corso.  The only contagious disease on Gameday is Stupid.  Let's hope Desmond doesn't catch the Stupid because Corso has a real bad case of it.

SwordDancer710

November 28th, 2010 at 11:35 AM ^

I hate that our fanbase is so divided when this is the time for solidarity behind our coach. I hate that we're acting like Notre Dame fans. I hate that Michigan football gets more criticism from within the program than without. Did we call for Bo's head in 1984?

jhackney

November 28th, 2010 at 11:48 AM ^

I can't agree more on Big Ten teams in bowls. I hope Wiscy, osu, and MsU lose in embarrassing fashion. Wiscy by a spread team, osu and MsU by any team.

On Herbstreit? I was in NYC Heisman night three years ago and came out of BB Kings pretty loopy. I saw Kirk and Corso walking down the street towards me. Kirk is short! I then yelled in my drunken rage, "Hey Kirk, GO BLUE!!!" He picked up his pace like a oompa loompa on speed.

sarto1g

November 28th, 2010 at 12:00 PM ^

I hate that dead period between the games on Saturday and Bryan's post on Monday afternoon where the only thing to read is the knee-jerk insight on the boards

His Dudeness

November 28th, 2010 at 12:12 PM ^

I hate when people try to console me after a loss. Don't fucking talk to me, go fuck yourself. No I don't want to talk about it. True it is just a game, but it is obviously very meaningful to me and I am not a poor loser so go fuck yourself. God I fucking hate that. I hate when people talk shit on facebook during a game. Real fucking funny dick head. I will defriend my fucking grandma in an instant for that shit. I hate when some random hoe who knows nothing about football tries to tell me some of the things she thought were good to try to cheer me up. Yeah I saw the fucking game and I don't want to hear what you fucking think was a good play. Eat a big veiney one.

CompleteLunacy

November 28th, 2010 at 2:33 PM ^

I saw a friend's post who commented on how sad the game was turning out to be...and a "friend" of his decided to post a comment on it saying "Haha Go Buckeyes". I fucking hate that person. Good thing my friend replied "We're not friends right now"...which appears sarcastic but I know how true it is. I fucking hate that. 

I have Sparty friends, and they're good friends...but when UM plays MSU I don't fucking touch them with a 10 foot pole, as far as I'm concerned we aren't friends that week. And I'm sorry if that seems extreme because it's "just a game", but I can't fucking stand hearing their idiotic statements like "Denard is just like Drew Stanton" (yes, one of my friends actually said this.) or "RR is just like John L. Smith...great offense, couldn't field a good defense" (even worse because it's harder to disprove at this point in time)

Jon06

November 28th, 2010 at 9:48 PM ^

i mean, um, you're so clever. sad to see the mgocommunity whine like this. oh, maybe i should try to get some points by joining in all the whining. here's an idea:

UNACCEPTABLE

should be +10 by noon tomorrow now.

Cosmic Blue

November 28th, 2010 at 12:46 PM ^

maybe Corso, in some stroke-fueled rage, will stab Herbstreit repeatedly while putting on some kind of goofy hat. Desmond will just watch, smiling, and maybe do a Heisman pose.

ChiliDog

November 28th, 2010 at 1:07 PM ^

These fair weather buckeye and Michigan fans who BOTH agree that Michigan is going to hire Harbaugh and then everything will be 12-0. They can go fuck each other.

I also hate rich white kids who act like there hood rats. Get a real identity.

SaigonBlue

November 28th, 2010 at 2:01 PM ^

....those stupid buckeye "o" gloves.  Seriously, whoever thought that one up should be guilty of an NCAA major violation.

I also hate Millen apologizing for the buckeye players and their personal fouls and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.  Seriously, they broke the rules because they lack in class (oh wait, NOT a "Jim Tressel coached team!")

And I agree:  I normally root for the Big Ten to win all of their bowl games.  There is no way this year that I can root for buckeyes, Dantonio, and Bielema.  NO WAY.

MGoNukeE

November 28th, 2010 at 3:41 PM ^

Having a defensive coordinator that knows how to run the 3-3-5, which Rich Rod and his defensive staff are used to running and teaching, has to be better than having Kenny Demens get destroyed in every alignment that has been picture-paged. Of course, another alternative is to allow the defensive coordinator to hire his own staff personnel for running something that isn't a 3-3-5, in which case firing Greg Robinson may not be necessary.

No matter what, it seems like the best solution for any successful defense is to have a defensive scheme that the players can learn and execute well rather than teaching several defensive schemes that no set of college players could learn to execute well in the amount of practice time allotted.

Happy Jack

November 28th, 2010 at 8:05 PM ^

couldn't agree more.  robinson is vilified and made the scape goat for everything wrong with this defense.  maybe if he had inherited some talent and was aloud run his scheme the defense wouldn't have been so bad this year. rodriguez just wants a puppet defensive coordinator because he hasn't let these guys do their jobs.

btw- was anybody surprised that in not using the 3-3-5 for the most part they played a pretty good game saturday (especially in the beginning and when drives weren't starting on the M 35 yard line) ??? 

Not Me.  

phd363

November 28th, 2010 at 2:42 PM ^

This was a funny post.  I'm glad you shared.  I also root against MSU and OSU in bowl games, but generally cheer for the other B10 team.  This year I won't be pulling for pissconsin.  I hope Oregon puts 70 on them.

InterM

November 28th, 2010 at 3:38 PM ^

and raise you 1000. My favorite part of the broadcast -- and by "favorite," I mean comparable to slamming my fingers in a car door -- was the entire third quarter, devoted to words of wisdom -- and by "wisdom," I mean comparable to what that Buckeye necklace guy would think up -- about what Brandon should do.