Coaches' timeouts are worse. Basketball teams should get one, full stop.
Conference realignment: Of course you're so freakin' excited to see another post breaking it down. Luckily for you, I've lost interest in how it ends up and would rather look backwards at what has transpired. So WTF has happened?
In a nutshell: Professional reporters turn into self-proclaimed Nostradami. People that don't even like college football argue about whose conference has a better USNWR ranking. ND and Texas act like ND and Texas. Basically, everyone looks like dickheads. IT'S AWESOME.
A majority of the most exciting news has happened in the last few weeks so I put together a conversational timeline (or a one act play, I suppose) to help you follow along. Warning: some rough language
Texas A&M, deep in it's own basement, stews over the indignities it has suffered at the horns of their evil overlord, Texas. The Longhorn Network has recently proposed to add high school games to their schedule...
Texas: We'll do anything we want to on the LHN, including your mom. And never call her back.
Oklahoma: Obvi, we're with Texas - though Gloria Oklahoma is a saint. A SAINT.
A&M: FUUUUUUU UT. A-heading to the SEC. Chig-ga-roo-gar-em! Chig-ga-roo-gar-em! Rough! Tough! That's the stuff. Men in uniform: can't get enough!
SEC: Nice man-cheerleaders.
A&M: They're yell leaders.
SEC: Whatever, feed me rednecks to satisfy PAWLLLL.
Big 12: That's my girl, dog. Not cool.
SEC: Who, me? I never talked to your girlfriend.
A&M: Sorry Big 12, it's you not me. Sign here.
Baylor: F that noise. Get rich or die tryin'.
A&M: You're a dirty whore Baylor.
SEC: So not saying we even want A&M because we are totally stoked at 12 because it is basically perfect but like, you know if something happens and in the course of changes to the landscape we have a situation where we have to look at more schools, that may happen, just saying. Les, can you come clarify this for us?
Les Miles: The play that we are getting from our defense is specific in my mind to the play that we are getting from the participants.
SEC: Yeah, talk to Les. Heh.
Oklahoma: We're sick of you too Texass. Oklahoma out.
Texas: Say what?
T.BoonePickens: Blah blah windfarm /pretend I'm not senile/ derpty derp.
Larry Scott: Muahaha my evil plan to get schools where the fans care is almost complete. ULTRA-PAC-ATRON ASSSSEEEEMMMMBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLEEEE!!!!!1
BEast: ZOMG we're going to make it.
Colorado: I thought I left the Big 12? Where am I?
Texas: Anyone interested - $10 for an HJ, $20 for a BJ, $40 for a ZJ, $300mil for an LHN. If you have to ask about the ZJ, you don't want it. Anyone?
Mizzou: We so want the B12 to survive COUGH ess eee see COUGH big ten COUGH COUGH
Jim Delany: Harumph and so forth. Big Ten likes twelve members. You will receive my condescension and be grateful, peasants.
Fake Dan Beebe: Follow me Dan Beebe on twitter at @danbeebe #Beebeliever #DannyDanJuice
Oklahoma: Our regents say peace out - B12 down.
Jr. State: Twinsies.
Big 12: What the hell guys?
Texas: Fine...Pac...whatever...but we're keeping this network.
TTech: Hi I'm here, too, fellas.
ACC: Swoop. Hello Pitt. Hello Cuse.
BEast: What the what?
ACC: Hey Delany, Slive, Scott - check out how big mine is. (beams proudly)
WVU: What does a horseshoe do? Are there horsesocks? Is anyone listening to me?
DennisDodd/RandomCrappyReporter: Publish token shame article. Rabble rabble.
DanWetzel/OtherAnnoyingReporter: Publish ND + PSU + ACC > rustbelt meme. Rabble rabble.
Oklahoma: So Larry, uh, this is all a formality, right?
Larry Scott: Psha, no doubt bro. Cool as a cucumber.
Mizzou: Helloooo ess eee s....
Stanford: Lemme stop you right there, Larry, it's turning into fucking grapes of wrath up in here. OK State? Might as well take Boise if we're looking for community colleges with good wrestling teams and overrated football teams.
Cal: And Lubbock man, so harsh.
USC: You guys are such pussies.
Semi-Pac-atron: Input: 2/3 Big 12 South. Semi-Pac-atron: Error. Output: screw. that.
Larry Scott: The funny thing is we were always really happy with 12 members. Don't know where these 'expansion' rumors came from.
Oklahoma: The funny thing is, we always loved you Texas. Maybe we can keep the Big 12 together after all...
Fake Dan Beebe: DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! Dan Beebe Big 12 Survival Plan 2011: 1. Retain Dan 2. ? 3. Profit.
Oklahoma: ...As long as we get rid of Dan...
Fake Dan Beebe: Fuuuuuuuuuuu.....
Utah: God this is awesome...