...says Denzel Valentine of Big Ten Tourney favorite MSU, which is 5-7 in its last 12 games. Cumong, man.
The Game I'll Watch in Hell
When I die I'm probably going to hell, just ask any Notre Dame fan. So I started thinking the other day about what game I'll have to watch in hell, and thought it might be of interest to others. (Everybody makes The Baddest Michigan Team Ever!!, this is a change of pace.)
A couple of rules. First, I really remember Michigan Football from the 1985 season so that's the lower limit for me. Second, no goofey walk-ons or anything, they had to have played at least a little - enough to make you depressed. Lastly, I didn't nit-pick over the positions too much, so I may have picked five left tackles. (And full credit to Andy19il who helped with the list.)
So without further ado, your starting Michigan Wolverine All-Hell team offense!
QB - Demetrius Brown
RB - David Underwood
FB - Ray Jackson
WR - Ron Bellamy, Felman Malveaux
TE - Andy Mignery
OL - Justin Boren, Courtney Morgan, Reuben Riley, Alex Mitchell, Mike Kolodziej
K - Jason Gingell
And who will they be playing against? Why the All-Hell All-Stars:
DL - Steve Emtman, Vernon Gholston, Kenichi Udeze, Mike Vrabel
LB - Michael Stonebreaker, Chris Spielman, AJ Hawk
S - John Miller, Mike Doss
CB - Terrell Buckley, Will Poole
PR - Rocket Ismail
On the other sides of the ball, your starting Defense:
DL - Gabe Watson, Alex Ofili, Pat Massey, Larry Harrison
LB - Chris Graham, Carl Diggs, Bobby Powers
S - Ryan Mundy, Chuck Winters
CB - Johnny Sears, James Whitley
PR - Woodrow Hankins
Aaaaand they'll be going against the All-Hell All-Stars Offense (try not to be nauseated, we're almost done)
QB - Troy Smith
RB - TJ Duckett
FB - Jerome Bettis
WR - Plaxico Burress, Michael Westbrook
TE - Owen Daniels
OL - Orlando Pace, Aaron Taylor, Jeff Faine, Flozell Adams, Korey Stringer
K - Reggie Ho
- Obviously Larry Harrison isn't wearing pants
- Ryan Mundy is the Michigan, non-Barwisized version
- Owen Daniels probably isn't the best choice at TE for everyone, but I was almost in a frothing rabid rage during the 2005 Wisconsin game, so he is the TE for me personally in this scenario
- Donovan McNabb was *strongly* considered
- Gabe Watson made the team because he continually failed to live up to expectations. Isn't that what hell's all about?
- John Miller intercepted 4 of Demetrius' passes in 1987
- OL is really tough to pick. You try it smart-guy. You can barely even find a roster on the net to help spur your memory. (Edit - Alex Mitchell replaced Jeff Gaston in an egregious miss by me. Just for that the weather forecast will be "UCLA 2000." My bad.)
- Chuck Winters allowed a first-offensive play 80-yard TD reception for Boston College in the mid-1990's. He did improve somewhat from there.
- I didn't do coaches, but Mike DeBord v Creepy Pants Sweater Vest sounds appropriate
- Credit to "Will Number Two" for pointing out the officials are from the Sun Belt Conference
- "Baleedat" recommends the Ohio Stadium grass circa 2006, I concur that's what Mephistopheles will have waiting for me
- Broadcasters are Brent Musberger and Mike Patrick
- I hate Reggio Ho with every fiber of my being, and I hope his puppies die.
On the Colorado Miracle play in '94 the ball bounced off Chuck Winters before it went directly into Westbrook's hands. So, I'm down with him on the list.
I guess Gingell gets in over Elezovich because of The Horror (although the block wasn't his fault) but Elezovich was hideous.
What about the kicker on Bo's team who kept missing crucial FGs in the early 70s? Maybe it was a few guys, but here are his/their sins:
- Missing last-second game-winning FG in 1971 (or 72?) Rose Bowl against Stanford that would have given Michigan a perfect 12-0 season.
- Missing FG against OSU in 1972
- Missing two FGs against OSU in 1973, leading to the infamous 10-10 tie. (okay, ND-MSU in 1966 is also pretty famous, I'll give them that.)
Kicker in '71 was Dana Coin (at least for the OSU game, I assume also for Stanford).
Kicker in '72 and '73 was Mike Lantry (he was at UM from 1972-'74). 113-120 on PAT's; 21-47 in FG's. Pretty typical Bo kicker, maybe a little bit worse than average.
I think Mike was a 27 or 28 year old Vietnam Vet when he played for UM. He made that first one in 72. I was 10 and behind that post.
May I suggest the refs from the 78 Rose Bowl. The phantom TD awarded to USC. White fumbled 2 yards from the goal line. The players knew it, the fans knew it, even the announcers knew it. First time I ever heard an announcer suggest instant replay in a sport. Even White says he fumbled. USC gets to play a home game with 80% of the stands filled with USC fans. No gifts needed.
1979 was my first year in Ann Arbor, and it was a particularly bad year for punters and kickers.
3-18 in FG's; I don't know what they were in PAT's but the kickers, "anchored" by Brian Virgil, were awful. 4 punts were blocked and they had a 35 yard average in punt. Team lost to UNC (with Lawrence Taylor) 17-15 in the Gator Bowl.
Absolutely pathetic special teams in 1979.
Sorry, didn't see your reply until now. But yes, according to my source (the book on Michigan vs. OSU entitled "The Big One" by Bill Cromartie) that 3-18 is correct. I was at those games and never saw such AWFUL field goal kicking.
Bo did not recruit or waste scholarships on kickers back then. I think he deemed them and kicking in general as unmanly and thus not worthy of scholarships back then. After that season, and a lot of harassment in the press, Bo reconsidered that policy, and after a few years had some pretty good kickers under him (Mick Gillette being the best of them).
It's honestly my first real memory of Michigan football - I have vague recollections of us beating ND that year, but I was fascinated by Indians at the time so the fact the Seminoles were playing Michigan was huge for me.
The first trip I took to the Big House (not including trips as an infant) was....yeah...1994...Colorado.....good....times.....
yea me too! I remember watching the game and being fascinated by the seminoles and their exciting style of play. JC penny had those plastic college fb uniforms and i wanted a Michigan one and an FSU so bad (i hope my mom still has those somewhere). It's funny now how much i hate FSU now, actually. And yea that 1994 game...I remember my father and I were driving to a red wings preseason game and listening to the end of that game on the radio. we parked the car atop the cobo roof, Beckmann said there was like 1 or 2 seconds left, my dad says, "you wanna go in now?..(and i have it in my head that he says "its over, sean" or something extremely jinxing to me although i don't think its true...I maybe just had to find someone to blame in my head)" anyways, i told him no...let's just listen...wellllll, sure enough.............
we just hit power on the radio and didnt say or hear anything about it again until the next day...to be honest i watched the highlight once, but i ALWAYS turn away now any time it comes on...have not seen it in 14 years
No doubt Smith is a good choice. Maybe Dixon could be the backup.
It's just that for sheer throttling, I've never experienced anything like standing in the Big House that shitty day and watching Dixon rack up points like he was playing a middle school team. God. I'm crying now.
Donovan McNabb has to be also. Eerily similar circumstances - coming off a great season, highly ranked, taken to the woodshed by a mobile QB. Honestly, though, I think the McNabb-Syracuse beatdown hurt worse (personally) than the Oregon game. Perhaps I was still hung over from the app st shocker, I don't know, but McNabb was ridiculous that year.
"... and every single Usc wide receiver to ever score on us gets to play."
Uh, I think we have to limit the roster to under a 100 players.
I was at the, now famous, Iowa formation game in Iowa city…I remember seeing them roll out for the first time and kick the ball off the field. I sank in my chair…Instantly Iowa fan was all over me…After the game I was leaning up against the Michigan equipment semi and as the Iowa fans walked by they keep drop kicking the air while laughing their ass’s off! I remember it like it was yesterday!
is still playing in Canada
Heaven: Demetrius Brown '88.
I wish we had him now. He threw a pretty and accurate long ball - re: ALABAMA '88, OSU '88 - and could run run run.
Fun topic, BTW, versus actually working.
Are you thinking of Michael Taylor, who replaced him in 1988? Demetrius had only 100 net career rushing yards (Taylor had 600+.) Brown was a career 51% passer, only 57% in 1988.
I'm probably mentally forgetting/discounting his 1988 turnaround.
But even if he was good in 1988, who would you replace him with that played in real contested games? Even Dreisbach had the Virginia game. Scott really only lost his spot to injury, IIRC. When you think about it, we've really had a great run at QB.
But 7 INT's... that's gotta earn Mr. Brown the starting spot.
turned it around in '88 (Michael Taylor didn't factor much till '89).
The '88 team lead by Demitrius Brown was awesome. Only lost to Notre Dame on a next to last second field goal by them and a last second miss by us, and to U Miami on a recovered on side kick.
They should have played for the national championship. They beat all their Big Ten opposition, including OSU on a Brown-to-Kolesar bomb, and beat USC in the Rose Bowl on the strength of Leroy Hoard's pounding and Demitrius Brown's feet.
One of my biggets dissapointments as a Michigan fan was not getting to see Demitrius Brown come back in '89 (he ran afoul of Bo somehow), and Tony Boles come back (injured).