Fear and Loathing in Ann Arbor Volume I

Submitted by jhackney on

Fear and Loathing in Ann Arbor Volume I

The 2010 Regular Season

Pre UConn- MSU

Disclaimer: The following diary is a combination of a narrative for the 2010 Michigan football season excluding the Gator Bowl and a collection of work from author Hunter S. Thompson. I made minor changes to his work such as places, names, coaches, players, etc to make it relevant to our 2010 season. The work in this diary was lifted from the pages of Dr. Thompson’s work in “Hey Rube”. If you wonder what lines were his and which were mine, thank you for the compliment and then get the book. This is a trial run at my first diary. If the majority of you like the content, I shall release part two of the 2010 season. If the majority of you do not like the content, I will keep part two to myself and would appreciate FAIL pics more than pointed insults. At least I will be able to laugh AND cry at the same time.

 Enjoy...or don't!

 

 

 

     The autumn months are never a calm time in America. Back to work, back to football practice, etc….Autumn is a very traditional period, a time of strong rituals and the celebrating of strange holidays like Halloween and Satanism and the fateful harvest Moon, which can have ominous implications for some people.

 

     Ominous it was. A second half season collapse leaving us 5-7 after a 4-0 start left the Michigan family feeling like getting in line for free turkey at the homeless shelter for our first hot meal in ages only to be told that chilled peas and week old fruitcake were left once it was our turn. More grumblings came not from our tummies, but alumni, fans, and current students at the time. Also the Detroit Free Press and their head henchman of death, Rosenberg, were hellbent on sinking Michigan football into Lake Huron.

     September 4th, 2010. UConn. A kid nicknamed “shoelaces” that had the best smile east of the Mississippi takes the field as the starting quarterback. We witnessed the possible talent the year before with his blazing speed. Some of us worried of the inaccuracy and arm strength however, but this was a new season and nothing having to do with shoelaces, jockstraps, and sports bras would prevent us from feeling the overwhelming lust for the spoils of hearing Hail to the Victors with smiles all around when the clock ticked to 0:00 in the 4th quarter. Shoelace D Robinson proved his offseason training when he threw  for 186 yards, ran for 197, and garnered 2 TDs. Victory was ours and we were headed to a showdown in South Bend riding on a 30-10 victory over a favored conference champion on the grand opening of a renovated stadium that rivaled the Roman Coliseum.

 

     September 11th, 2010. Notre Dame, a college of hopeless alcoholics with huge egos and a weakness for mob hysteria in tense situations. They are the ones who will get angry when their lofty pregame predictions start going awry. They then guarantee some last minute fumble or shocking interception. I have seen these loonies win on some days, but lately, not often. They are the spiritual descendents of legendary old west gamblers who would bet the ranch and even their wives and daughters on one game of impossible odds that they cannot see due to denial of the mediocrity of their program. The fact remained the same though. We hate them and would hate even more to lose to the bastards. Games in South Bend can be scary, but again Shoelace D Robinson led our band of warriors to victory over the Brian Kelly led pack of degenerates. The week before’s performance against UConn was not expected again. That expectation turned out to be true. The performance of 244 yards in the air, 258 on the ground, 3 TD’s, and the last minute game winning drive shattered the expectation.  2-0. The next week? A I-AA opponent that was a sure win.

 

     September 18th, 2010. UMass. This game was thought of as a lock before it even started. Call your bookie and tell them you are betting your soul. There would be no way we could lose this with Shoelace D Robinson. We soon found out that Denard doesn’t play defense. Although Shoelace put up 345 total yards and 3 TD’s, I sat by the internet radio gnashing teeth on my dog’s chew toy at the possible upset of Michigan by another I-AA team. Most if not all of Michigan’s fan base went rigid with fear of “The Horror” part duex. If any innocent bystander were to walk into a house with an avid Michigan fan, they would witness something similar to watching a brain-damaged cow with wild eyes staggering crazily around in circles with its legs caving in, its spine seizing up, and its hooves lashing out in the air with Mad Cow Disease. Michigan won 42-37, but it felt more like a tie and the defense was concerning. Oh well. It is a win and seeing how we came one win short of bowl eligibility a year before, we chalked it up to our horrible luck against small teams in the Eastern Time Zone.

     September 25th, 2010. Bowling Green. Not much to say here. Every human being needs a reason to wake up, and this would be a good one for this Saturday. Many of us were curious to see how the defense would respond to its questionable performance the week before. There was an eerie feeling in the air before that game, at least on my owl farm. Most of my body was confident as a red blooded American man that just won the National Arm Wrestling competition and drove off feeling like a winner with Anne Hathaway in a blood red 1963 Chevy Impala convertible. However, I kept one eye open and fixed upon the defense anticipating a meltdown of epic proportion so that I could find the nearest sharp object and ram it into my pupil. Turns out I kept my eyesight and Meeeechigan won again with Denard able to leave early and Tater Nutz making it a record setting day for two quarterbacks in the season.

 

     October 2nd, 2010. Indiana. The Big Ten schedule would officially be started this day. Indiana would be the first foe. By this time we were saturated with the voices of various experts claiming that Shoelace D Robinson could not sustain his demi-god like numbers on the field. It was said repeatedly, like most news and catchy memes, that Michigan would be risking destroying Denard and QBs like him in the future faster than high schools being able to churn them out. Michigan must have two QBs, because one of them is certain to get crippled or mashed by some steroid crazed monster who weighs 388 pounds, runs faster than Deion Sanders, and is hell bent on hurting people. Once Big Ten played started, Denard would suffer a compound fracture beyond our wildest nightmares.

     Onto Indiana then. Last year’s contest was a white knuckle ride that left me scrounging for clean underwear at the conclusion.  Indiana was and rarely has been good. It shouldn’t have been that close.  If we lost this year to Chappell and his rightfully hyped passing show, I could only guarantee one thing. It would be a night in Ann Arbor of booze and violence that, 99 times out of 100, would swamp anybody that goes near it in a hurricane of fear, pain, and stupefying disasters that will haunt them for the rest of their life.  Thankfully this was not the case. Michigan wins again, but in close fashion because of the growing liability and unluckiness of the defense. I did not shart my pants this year, but I did almost choke on my gum.

  

     October 9th, 2010. Michigan State.  Our intellectually challenged brethren to the west in East Lansing. We lost two years in a row to these shmucks and this year would be different. The noise about falling off a cliff into a pit of shame and despair at 5-0 reached deafening levels. Not this year chaps. This year, we would beat the forces of dumb into Bolivia and become bowl eligible for the first time under our coach Rich Rodriguez. The planets aligned, the moon was in Virgo, and our eggs were counted and ready to launch at that clown disguised as a coach, Dantonio.

     The planets may have been aligned, but it wasn’t in our solar system. Michigan State brutalized us, making us look like the Chinese Crested Powderpuff pedigree of the state of Michigan. We came down like a car off a cliff from the week before’s high. There was a savage 180 degree swings between totally opposite poles like joy and fear, wild passions and violent rages, sudden love and sudden hate. Hate for Dantonio and his clown college beating us for three years in a row. Hate for Rich Rodriguez for only filling our hot air balloons with half fuel and mentioning it after we were 10,000 feet high. Hate for hate sake. Nonetheless, the whole situation, without exaggeration, was like sitting in a traffic jam on the San Diego Freeway with your windows rolled up and no air condition while Portuguese hip hop boomed out of your surround-sound speakers, animals gnawing at our necks and diseased bill collectors hammered on our doors with golf clubs. At least we got Iowa at home the next week and have deflated any lofty invincibility complexes…

 

Comments

Moe Greene

December 6th, 2010 at 8:40 AM ^

A quality post.

Hopefully there will be an ether binge during the discussion of the Wisconsin game....and you'll address how the following game was like eating Adenochrome....

Maizeforlife

December 6th, 2010 at 8:59 AM ^

Well done good sir/maddam.  I definitely want to read the second installment.  If you find the inspiration, I suggest you do a similar series next season for every game.  You could possibly compare individual games with different books by H.S. Thompson.  I think you would find plenty of readers.  It could be something akin to the Inferno pieces earlier this year.

jhackney

December 6th, 2010 at 10:27 AM ^

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Hell's Angels, The Great Shark Hunt, or Kingdom of Fear. If you get Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, you can then watch the movie as well.

Hey Rube is more about sports than politics, but it wasn't one of his better books, but it was his last.

jhackney

December 6th, 2010 at 12:13 PM ^

It is a supercharged, drug filled, political, hilarious ride that has Thompson trying to find the American Dream in Vegas after the 60s movement and under President Nixon. Bonus, you get to see the movie afterwards if you liked the book.

Let me know how it goes.

profitgoblue

December 6th, 2010 at 9:34 AM ^

Jhackney, this is great.  Outstanding work.

I watched last last car-wreck video and found myself focusing on the trees, not wanting the car to injure any of the helpless trees.  What does that mean?  Does it simply mean I'm a tree-hugging, bleeding heart liberal?  Or does it have deeper significance relating to Michigan football?  Are the trees the helpless diehard fans like myself that couldn't get their emotions out of the way?  Interesting . . .

MGoShtoink

December 6th, 2010 at 10:36 AM ^

If the majority of you do not like the content, I will keep part two to myself and would appreciate FAIL pics more than pointed insults. At least I will be able to laugh AND cry at the same time.

Absolutely none needed, sir!  This is excellent work.  We'll done, jhackney, well done.

Steve in PA

December 7th, 2010 at 12:38 PM ^

You need to spend some time in Jersey Shore, PA.  Which isn't actually in Jersey or near the shore unless you count the stream that eventually becomes the susquehanna river that flows by and regularly floods that shithole of a town.  I unfortunately have to travel there occasionally for work and dread it.

I was extremely amused to read this from HST himself, http://tinyurl.com/2ftl69p and it provides me amusement as I pass by the toothless/witless smokers sitting on their porch watching the cars go by.

Steve in PA

December 7th, 2010 at 3:24 PM ^

Good to know I'm not alone in the wilderness surrounded by PSU homers although you are much more in the wilderness than I.

Actually I live south of here, but work in Williamsport.  On the scale of suck I find Williamsport only slightly better than Jersey Shore however and actually regard JS as a far removed suburb of this place.  The extension of the city bus lines to JS has confirmed my thoughts.

jhackney

December 7th, 2010 at 3:28 PM ^

The number of natural gas wells and trees vastly outnumber me currently, as well as PSU homers. You'll like my Volume II, I made the PSU part a bit personal since I lived it. The city bus goes to JS now? Wow. Williamsport is a lone bastion of civilization in Pennsyltucky. That is even stretching it, but compared to what surrounds it, central/northern PA makes Williamsport look that way.

Steve in PA

December 7th, 2010 at 3:38 PM ^

Williamsport is a lone bastion of civilization in Pennsyltucky. That is even stretching it, but compared to what surrounds it, central/northern PA makes Williamsport look that way.

Haven't read a more opinion on this board in a long time.  Thankfully I live close to Bucknell/Lewisburg and also Bloomsburg University.  In a pinch (when M is in town) I venture out to State College.

Sounds like you've done time in SC as well.  When?  I finished in '99 and it was a very long 4 years.  At least I could talk shit about M pounding them annually.  Has to be terrible to be there now.

jhackney

December 7th, 2010 at 3:51 PM ^

been to State College numerous times visiting friends and now current ex's. I went to school at a small college half an hour away from PSU, Lock Haven University, but it was basically PSU light. I have been thrown out of bars, had my life threatened, been vandalized, and more for being a die hard Michigan fan my whole life, except when I lived in Michigan. I finished LHU in '07.