EGD

Somebody was going to do this sooner or later, right?  UPDATE: Unfortunately I have run out of time to work on this and was not able to prepare a composite chart; maybe when (i.e. if) I get a chance to update it.  Now with composite chart! UPDATE #2: Arkansas added

Composite Chart

Notre Dame (2014, 2015) – 9 commits, overall star average: 3.83

Utah (2014, 2015) – 5 commits, overall star average: 2.85

Arkansas (2018) – 4 commits, overall star average: 3.31

Brigham Young (2015) – 5 commits, overall star average: 2.6

Cincinnati (2017) – 3 commits, overall star average: 2.42

Hawaii (2016) 4 commits, overall star average: 2.19

Ball State (2016) 2 commits, overall star average: 2.13

Oregon State (2015) 1 commit, overall star average: 2.25

UNLV (2015) 1 commit, overall star average: 2.0

Appalachian State (2014)

                No Commits

Colorado (2016)

                No Commits

N.T. Miami (2014)

                No Commits

As Michigan gets ready to take on Syracuse in a national hoops semifinal this evening, undoubtedly many of us will want to enjoy the game with a tasty citrus beverage—with or without alcoholic accompaniment.  And on a night like tonight, nothing will be more satisfying to the Wolverine faithful than crushing the juice out of those oranges ourselves.  If you’re accustomed to procuring your O.J. from the Tropicanas or Florida’s Naturals of the world, however, you might be a little unsure how to go about the fresh-squeeze.  Luckily, the YouTubes are chock-full of helpful how-tos, and EGD has sorted through them so you don’t have to.

1.       “How to Make Fresh Orange Juice” by mahalo.com

In this short & sweet production, natural food chef Kristina Jackson drops three oranges into an opaque food processor, and lets the camera zoom in on the orange trickle coming out the bottom while she runs down the nutritional specs.  It’s effective, but not very satisfying. 

2.       “How to Make Orange Juice – The Right Way” by FruitPerformance

Okay, here we have a hipsterish Canadian man demonstrating how to make O.J. in a fancy centrifugal dejuicer—while wearing only boxer shorts. His girlfriend (who, unfortunately, is not as extensively unattired) winds up doing most of the work while Pierre yammers on about bioflavonoids.  Sure, why not.

3.       “How to Make Orange Juice Quickly” by HowToBasic

From the “people will put anything on the internet” category, now here we have a :12 clip of a hand brutalizing a pair of orange wedges by repeatedly smashing them against a porcelain sink top.  Not very useful and lacks the kind of sophistication that one associates with the University of Michigan, but hey—the EGD don’t judge. 

4.       “HOW TO MAKE ORANGE JUICE” by MinOM03

In this video, a disembodied hand transforms 28 orange wedges into about 6 oz. of juice using a Ninja blender and a wire mesh strainer.  Evidently that wasn’t as much juice as the hand expected, as you’ll see at the end.  Sometimes unintentional humor is the best (same goes for the persistent use of all caps, and the amazingly lame acoustic guitar music that continues unabated throughout).

5.       “How to Make Orange Juice!” by ikates2good

This one features a young headless girl prying the seeds out of halved oranges with a knife that’s longer than her forearm, then cranking them around a hand-dejuicer for an epic 15:00 running time.  Admittedly I only watched the first 2:19, but that segment includes plenty of girl-on-orange violence and even a brief argument between our main protagonist and her off-camera mommy.  This one’s a winner.  And if 15 minutes isn’t enough orange killing for y’all, check out “How to Make Orange Juice! Pt. 2” for another 14 minutes of heart-stopping O.J. action. 

Alright.  Well, that’s probably enough orange juice videos for one day.  But before I go, here’s a recipe for a delicious cocktail that you can make with your fresh-squeezed product:

                Crying Orange Martini

·   3 oz. bourbon

·   1.5 oz. triple sec

·   1.5 oz. fresh orange tears

·   2 muddled Mandarin slices

Directions: mix bourbon, triple sec, and orange tears in cocktail shaker.  Strain into glass.  Garnish with Mandarin slices.

Here are Urban's top 11 recruiting tips for fellow Big Ten coaches.  I hope you dig.

11. Don’t reinvent the wheel.  If ESPN says he’s a good player, why waste your time and resources to confirm what you already know?  Look—I’ve met a lot of these recruiting guys.  The ones from Scout, from 24/7, from Rivals.  Are they geniuses?  No.  But think about the alternative.  It’s not like the wide receivers coach at Minnesota is any secret genius either.  It’s not like the linebackers coach at Iowa is all great shakes.  Is some guy on your staff going to do a better job evaluating a prospect than the regional guy from Rivals?  On our staff, maybe.  On Brady’s staff, maybe.  On anyone else’s staff, let’s face it: probably not.  And even then, is the difference worth sinking the resources into sending your guys out to do those evals themselves?  Opportunity cost, men.  Don’t overlook what else you might be getting out of that time and money.

10. Now, lots of you guys may think, “well, this kid is only a 2-star, but he fits our system.  He plays hard and has a good head on his shoulders.”  Better not offer that guy a scholarship, because you know what?  Rivals.com doesn’t care if he fits your system.  Scout.com doesn’t care if he has a good head on his shoulders.  It’s all about perception, gentlemen.  If you want to catch the SEC, it’s gotta be 3-stars or bust.

9. Look, I know they can be a little unwieldy.  They get in the way when you’re trying to eat, you don’t want to get them dirty, all that.  But you just absolutely cannot be leaving your national championship rings at home when you go on these recruiting visits.  It’s just plain dumb.  I don’t care if it was way back in 2006.  That’s not the point.  These kids want to see the rings.  You want the kids, you got to give them the rings.  And that’s just common sense. 

8. I see a lot of you guys out trying to sign offensive linemen, or giving scholarships to kickers—and even long-snappers.  This has got stop.  Nobody gets excited about linemen.  A defensive end, maybe, but not some plain old guard.  Specialists are even worse—the highest they can get on Scout is three stars, so they are just about guaranteed to bring your average down.  Image is everything.  If people see you bringing in an average of 2.65 stars, then guess what?  Your name is “Johnny Two-Star.”  The four stars aren’t even going to think about you anymore.  The three stars?  Maybe.  But you’ll get all the two-stars you can handle.  You want to be Indiana freaking University?  Just keep giving scholarships to long-snappers, and you can be Indian—oh, sorry Kevin.  But yeah, just keep giving scholarships to long-snappers, you can be the Mid-America Conference if you want to.  You want to be Big Ten?  You save those for playmakers.    

7. You know, back when I was at Utah, I noticed a recruit’s mother seemed a little worn out because she was at work all day, the recruit had a little brother she was taking care of, it was late, you know.  So I reached over and started giving the recruit’s mother a foot massage.  Now you might think, “that’s really not appropriate,” but I assure you our compliance people checked the NCAA rulebook and there is absolutely nothing in there that says giving a recruit’s mother a foot massage is a violation.  Now, sometimes a foot massage isn’t going to be enough.  But I think you get the point, gentlemen. 

6. So, I know that some of my players were previously committed to other coaches in this room and maybe a few of you might be a little disappointed about that.  I just want to come right out and address it.  No need to beat around the bush.  See, when a player makes a verbal commitment to, say, the University of Illinois—what that really means is he’s committed to Illinois or Ohio State.  It’s like he’s both of ours, you see?  Now maybe it will come to pass that the Buckeyes don’t need him in our class, and then he’ll go to Illinois.  But to go and use words like “poaching?”  “Snake oil?”  Well, that’s really not necessary.  And really not accurate, to be perfectly honest.

5. Don’t cuss at the recruits.  Yeah, this may sound funny, like “what, I can’t cuss at the recruits?”  But seriously—kids these days don’t want to play for some purple-faced asshole.  I know, I know—you all want to just ‘be yourself’ with the kids.  Well, ‘being yourself’ got you the number thirty-fuck-what recruiting class on Scout, Bo.  ‘Being yourself’ got you a class about as good as Middle-fucking-Tennessee, Mark.  You don’t see the great recruiters out there screaming at kids.  Lane Kiffin doesn’t do it.  Kevin Sumlin doesn’t do it.  Fred Jackson doesn’t do it.  So get it in check, people. 

4. I know most of you guys take junior college transfers, prep school guys.  Some of you don’t.  I can see if your institution doesn’t really accommodate that, but otherwise you’re killing yourself turning them away.  And look—juvenile halls?  Some of my best players at Florida came out of ‘the system.’  You want to recruit like the SEC?  You can’t afraid to get down and dirty like the SEC.

3. Hand-timed 40s are sometime inaccurate. 

2. Now, recruiting is hard work.  It’s a difficult business.  It can take a lot out of you.  And some of you may have some health issues that you think might stand in the way of really getting on the recruiting trail.  Well, I’m here to tell you that you can’t let that be an excuse.  Look, Mark—I know you’ve got that heart thing.  Jerry.  Hey—I know exactly what it’s like.   I’ve had my own “health issues” too—that Nick Saban, he’s a real pain in the ass.  But you’ve just got to keep on.  Perseverance.  You can’t just take a year off in this business.  You can’t just go do color commentary for ESPN and expect your dream job to fall into your lap.  It’s rough.  It’s a grind.  But you just have to keep at it.  ABR, gentlemen.  Always be recruiting.

1. No matter what, make sure you don’t come across as a patronizing jerk.  Recruits can see right through that.  Parents too.  Just never a good idea.

I really wasn't planning on writing two diaries within the same month, let alone within the same 24 hour period.  But, in honor of the unfolding story in Tuscaloosa, I have prepared a list of my Top 13 Sprays for National Championship Contenders.  I hope you dig it.  

13. The Amazing Oregon Spray-on Uniform: this product combines all sixteen of your team’s colors into one convenient bottle of spray-on uniform.  The different hues emerge randomly from the bottle during the application process, guaranteeing that your uniform never looks the same twice!  Get yours now!

12. Just for GERG: When you’re giving up 450 yards per game, you can’t afford not to have the perfect hair.  That’s why you need Just for GERG.  A couple squirts per day will keep the foxy in that brilliant silvery mane.  Get Just for GERG, and tell that offense: “you may score 60 points today, but you can’t take the hair away.”

11. Princess Leia Hologram Spray: Hold the spray nozzle down, and this spray bottle will project an image of the Rebel leader pleading, “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”  Order yours right away, because you must learn the force if you’re to come with me to Alderran.

10. Zingerman’s No. 2: Because the only thing better than eating a Binny’s Brooklyn Rueben is smelling like one too!  (And look for Dave’s Open Road this summer!)

9. Fruehauf Mudflap Spray: Feeling down because that fourth DUI is keeping you off the road?  Snuff just not enough anymore?  Striking out at the bowling alley? Just apply a few squirts of the original Fruehauf Mudflap Spray, and kickstart your redneck.  (Use only as directed; recommended for Buckeyes only).

8. Charlie Sheen’s Aerosol Cocaine:  One word—winning.  But you knew that already.

7. Pam: “Terrific for cooking, even better for NCAA investigations!” – Ohio State A.D. Gene Smith

6. Gandalf’s Anti-Balrog Spray:  Nothing distracts from a mythical national championship run like having to battle an ancient demon on a Dwarven stone-bridge spanning a bottomless chasm in an abandoned undermountain mine.  That’s why no FBS title contender should be without a bottle of Gandalf’s Anti-Balrog Spray.  Order yours today!

5. Nick Saban’s Medically Unfit to Perform Spray: Some pesky junior not living up to his 4-star recruiting ranking?  Some bookworm sophomore thinking he came to play school instead of the pigskins?  Need to make room for that signing day surprise?  Just try Nick Saban’s Medically Unfit to Perform Spray.  A couple shots of this to a knee, a back, or even a shoulder can have your playa non grata going pro in something other than sports faster than you can say “medical scholarship.”  Don’t build a college football dynasty without it.

4. Pure Dilithium:  Apply directly to feet.  Warning: do not tie shoelaces! 

3. Kate Upton Dancing .gif Spray: Advanced technology allows you to literally spray one of Kate’s spicy .gifs directly onto any surface.  Got a boring basement?  Kate!  Need to jazz-up that old garage?  Kate!  Want to tag that passing freight train?  Kate!  Hurry now while supplies last. 

2. Tloy Willfork’s Name Obfuscation Spray: Trying to enjoy a romantic weekend with your (real, living, non-internet) girlfriend without being bothered by autograph seeking kids?  Tired of BTN studio jive turkeys acting like they know your business?  Got a big mouth and don’t trust yourself with that Twitter account you just opened?  That’s when you need Tloy Willfork’s Name Obfuscation Spray.  “Hey, aren’t you—“ {squirt, squirt} “—oh, I’m sorry.  My mistake.”  Yup.

1. Marques Slocum’s Fuck Lion Spray: da realest shit dere iz, yo.  Carla approved.

As any chess master will tell you, allowing one’s pieces to languish on the back rank is a certain invitation to humiliating defeat.   Or, as anyone who has ever played Axis & Allies well knows, a general who hordes his Industrial Production Certificates will quickly fall to the opponent who transforms hers into military units and strategically deploys them as rapidly as possible.  So I was quite surprised the other day when several posters suggested that Michigan ought to “bank” its last remaining scholarship for the 2013 class, rather than sign a player who might not arrive in Ann Arbor with the highest of expectations.  Like chessmen or IPCs, I have always felt that a football coach must aggressively leverage production from his full complement of 85 scholarships—or as many of that number as possible—if he hopes to outcompete the other 120 programs in the country. 

Scholarships are not chessmen, of course, nor are they IPCs—and the calculus that goes into offering and signing a collegiate student-athlete is quite a bit different than the evaluation of choices in a board game.  So, although the idea of purposefully letting a scholarship go unfilled struck me as intuitively unwise, the suggestion did not seem entirely without merit.  After all—if by passing on a probable depth player in 2013, Michigan could sign a likely frontline contributor in 2014, then the payoff might be worth the investment.  The overarching strategic principles remain sound and generally applicable, I felt, but is this case the exception?  I decided to take a closer look. 

Most estimates place the expected size of Michigan’s 2014 class at around 17 scholarships.  This projection appears based on fifteen players exhausting their eligibility in 2013, and two redshirt juniors not being offered fifth years.  With usual attrition, UM would more realistically expect to have about 20 scholarships available.  But for purposes of this analysis, I will presume the 17 figure holds true.

Banking a 2013 scholarship would enable UM to sign an 18^th player in the 2014 class.  Therefore one part of the “to-bank-or-not-to-bank” equation seems to be the reasonably anticipated quality of the eighteenth recruit in UM’s 2014 class.

In 2012, Michigan had twelve recruits who received four or five stars on Rivals; the 18^th-highest recruit would have been a 3-star with a 5.7 grade (Ben Braden, Jeremy Clark, Devin Funchess, Matt Godin, Mario Ojemudia, Kaleb Ringer, AJ Williams, and Chris Wormley fit that description, according to Rivals).  In 2013, Michigan has seventeen recruits with at least four stars and a 5.8 grade, though the 18^th-best recruit again checks in with 3 stars and a 5.7 grade.  Therefore, Michigan’s performance in the last two recruiting cycles would seem to suggest that banking a 2013 scholarship would most likely produce a high (5.7) 3-star recruit to Rivals. 

A slightly improved performance in 2014 could realistically land a low (5.8) 4-star recruit.  However, between 2005 and 2012 only twelve recruiting classes have featured at least 18 players rated four stars or higher on Rivals.  And, of those twelve classes, all but two (2006 FSU and 2008 ND) belonged to teams that had won (mythical) national titles within the preceding decade.  Michigan, which hasn’t won the MNC since 1997 and hasn’t seriously contended for one since 2006, and which doesn’t happen to be in a talent-abundant state like Florida or have a Catholic pipeline like ND, would not seem especially well-positioned to defy this pattern.  On the other hand, Scout.com (which is a bit more generous with their star rankings) lists fifteen classes with eighteen or more 4+stars from 2005-12, and is already projecting two more for 2013: one of which belongs to Michigan.

We can thus assume that a hypothetical 18^th recruit for 2014 would likely be a player on the 3-4 star borderline, with a Rivals grade of 5.7 or 5.8.  Maybe not a heavy bomber, but still a pretty high-quality recruit either way.  The drawback, of course, is that player would not join the team until the 2014 season. 

While landing eighteen or more 4-stars is uncommon—and almost unheard-of for non-MNC contenders—landing twenty-seven or more 3-stars ain’t no thang.  Between 2005 and 2012, there were 32 recruiting classes of 27 or more players that finished with a top-15 ranking on Rivals.  Of those classes, 18 (or 56.25%) had at least 27 players rated 3-stars or higher.  Now, if we were at the beginning of the 2013 recruiting cycle and were trying to predict Michigan’s chances of signing at least 27 three-stars, this percentage would already suggest Michigan has pretty good odds of pulling it off.  But with UM having already obtained verbals from 27 players, of whom 26 are rated 3+ stars (the 27^th recruit is LS Scott Sypniewski)—and needing only to fill the one remaining spot, the chances of Michigan being able to find one more 3-star recruit for that final spot would appear to approach 100%. 

So, let’s assume for purposes of the remaining discussion that the final spot would to go a (mid) three-star player with a Rivals grade of 5.6.  This player would be a tad less talented than the hypothetical 2014 signee, but would have one more year of experience in the program.  Assuming one year of collegiate coaching and strength & conditioning is equal to or greater than the value of a .15 upgrade on the Rivals grading scale, recruiting a slightly less-talented player in 2013 is at worst equivalent to signing a more talented player in 2014 (as the 2013 player’s redshirt season cancels out the banked-scholarship season for a recruit who plays as a true freshman).  But, assuming both players would redshirt their first years in the program, UM would sacrifice an entire season of production from one scholarship position.  It is doubtful that the slightly greater overall production one might expect from a 2014 player over the course of his career would sufficiently off-set this high immediate cost.

Conclusion

In the end, while there appears to be a stronger case for banking the last scholarship than I expected, I still think UM ought to take another player if they can find a Willie Henry or Dennis Norfleet type of player to come on board.  The potential benefits of saving the scholarship for 2014 are tenuous and distant, while the costs are immediate and certain.  Moreover, any attrition that occurs between now and 2014 will further diminish the expected returns from the hypothetical 2014 player, as a 19^th recruit taken in 2014 is presumably less likely to be of four-star quality than the 18th, a 20^th player even less, and so on.  Then, of course, some of the most likely targets for that final spot are defensive tackles, who would become subject to the Heininger Certainty Principle (which, frankly, is better than super submarines, long-range aircraft, or even V-2 rockets!).  

[Edit: Nerd that I am, I suppose I subconsciously view Axis & Allies as essentially a gen-X Monopoly or Clue—that is, a board game title with which anyone within, say, ten years of my (37 year-old) vintage ought to be reasonably familiar.  Thus, as I was trying to finish this diary in the wee hours last night, I evidently didn’t think it necessary to include a brief primer on what A&A actually is, or the basic strategy underlying the game-play.  Having thought better of the matter this morning, I offer the following supplement.

A&A is a famously-imbalanced, turn-based World War II strategy game that involves five players on two de facto teams: the Axis (with one player controlling Germany and the other Japan) and the Allies (comprised of players for the USA, UK, and Russia).  Each turn follows a pre-set sequence: Russia plays first, followed by Germany, then UK, then Japan, then USA.  Within each turn, a player first “purchases” military units using the currency of the game, Industrial Production Certificates (or “IPCs”).  A player receives IPCs by controlling territories on the game board (generally speaking, the more heavily industrialized the territory is, the more IPCs it is worth).  Once the units are purchased, however, they may not be deployed until the end of the player’s turn.  In the meantime, the player may maneuver his units and attack opponents—but only using his or her pre-existing units. 

Industrial Production Certificates are collected at the very end of a player’s turn, after all movement and combat has taken place.  And the amount of IPCs a player has to spend at the beginning of his or her next turn may be reduced through bombing raids or rocket attacks that other players launch in the meantime.  Furthermore, new units may only be deployed in spaces where a player has an “industrial complex”—often the only such space is a player’s home country—so it may take one or more future turns for a newly-deployed unit to travel to a forward area of the board where it can make a meaningful contribution to the game.  Therefore, it behooves any player to spend his or her entire allotment of IPCs at every opportunity—thus converting them into actual units that can occupy, defend, or invade territories (thus preserving or increasing a player’s future IPC stream).]

Certainly it's always much more fun watching Michigan eke out a tight, fourth-quarter victory over a difficult conference foe, or take some highly ranked opponent behind the proverbial woodshed ala '97 Penn State or '06 ND (or ’93 Ohio!!).  But sometimes it's nice to relax and just enjoy watching a tomato can get kicked in, beaten, and squashed--especially after a tough couple of games to start the season.  So, I've been thinking back to some of Michigan's more enjoyable baby seal clubbings of the past: games in which the opposing team never had a chance going in, and things played out that way on the field.  Here are some of my personal favorites from the past 20 years, with links to Wolverine Historian’s videos:

1) Michigan 52, Minnesota 17 (1995): Scott Dreisbach injured himself earlier in the week by getting his fingers caught in a lineman's jersey during a practice rep, so Brian Griese made his first start at Michigan.  I couldn't find anything on the web with stats or a game recap or anything, but I remember Griese connecting on several long passes (to whom I don't recall, but our receivers at the time included Toomer, Hayes, a young Tai Streets, and tight ends Jay Riemersma and Jerame Tuman).  However, I did find WH's video.

2) Michigan 65, Bowling Green 21 (2010): Say what you want about RichRod, but you have to admit that watching his offense tear apart weaker competition was football crack.  UM racked up 721 total yards in that game; Denard had 129 yards on just 5 carries, and just about everyone on the roster got into the game (unfortunately, that included Devin Gardner, whose UM career may wind up being a year shorter because of it).  If you want to relive the magic, here’s Wolverine Historian’s video.

3) Michigan 58, Indiana 0 (2000): One of the most flawless performances I've ever personally seen by a Michigan team; UM scored 45 points in the first half, punted only once all game (and for 67 yards!), and shut-out Antwaan Randle El (who had torched us for massive yardage the previous two seasons, almost beating Tom Brady in a 34-31 shootout in 1999).  As always, Wolverine Historian is on it.

 4) Michigan 49, Michigan State 3 (2002): If you are thinking, “What? MSU can never qualify as a baby seal!” then you probably don’t remember their 2002 team, which was a trainwreck smashing into the mother of all tire fires.  But Michigan, angered (and rightly so) by the Spartan Bob/Clockgate heist from the previous year, showed no mercy to the hapless Spartans—beating them so badly that, when it was over, MSU finally put Bobby Williams out of his misery. This demolition was so incredibly epic that WH had to break up his video into two parts.  Here’s uno, here’s dos.

5) Michigan 56, Illinois 14 (2003): Arguably the worst Big Ten team of the ‘00s, Ron Turner brought his Fighting Illini (who would finish the season 1-11) to the Big House for what would be its most lopsided thumping of the season.  There wouldn’t have really been anything memorable about this game,except for the amazing Steve Breaston reverse-field 74-yard punt return TD (begins at 9:30 of this punt return compilation by WH, which is much more interesting than the rest of the actual game).

Obviously, this diary wouldn’t have been possible (and by “possible,” I mean “any good”) without Wolverine Historian’s videos.  So, thanks be to him. And as always, Go Blue!