here's one vote for "John Beilein's head in a Futurama jar"
This is the final installment of the Kevin Grady story, and also the final time this feature will be posted in the MGoBlog diary section - beginning with the next edition you will be able to find this (with pretty pictures and more profanity!) at http://wolverineliberationarmy.blogspot.com, the vanguard of the Rodriguez Revolution.
MyFairGrady: coach, what do I have to do to get back on the team?
WizardOfRod: I just don't know Kevin. If I let you back, and believe me, I want to, then I'll be ravaged by the press!
MyFairGrady: thats bullshit coach mcguff threw up on me
WizardofRod: I'm not sure I can take that type of chance. I'm new!
MyFairGrady: a chance?
***The Michigan Dance Team has entered the room***
MyFairGrady: if u change ur mind
im the first in line
im still free
DanceTeam: take a chance take a chance
MyFairGrady: if you need me, let me know
If you got no place to go when you're
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no
If you put me to the test, if you let me try
WizardofRod: I do enjoy musicals.
MyFairGrady: fuck yea u do
WizardofRod: Well Kevin, this is a tough decision
WizardofRod: I’ve been cheated by you
since I don’t know when
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don’t know how but I suddenly lose
There’s a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell
One more look and I forget everything,
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I’ve missed you
Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
***TheBarwisAidMan has broken through the office wall***
TheBarwisAidMan: WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THIS PUSSY SHIT
MyFairGrady: hey coach whats up
/puts down feather boa
TheBarwisAidMan: WHATINTHEFUCKWHATINTHEFUCK – PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE BALLS RIGHT NOW
***MyFairGrady has punched WizardofRodin the nuts***
***WizardofRod has punched MyFairGrady in the nuts***
TheBarwisAidMan: GRADY, YOU GO DEADLIFT THE CRANE THAT FELL OVER IN THE STADIUM PARKING LOT WHEN I PUNCHED IT AND KEEP DOING IT TILL I SAY STOP
TheBarwisAidMan: RODRIGUEZ, GET YOUR JIGGLY ASS DOWN TO THE WEIGHT ROOM AND GIVE ME 100 BURPEES TILL THE GAY IS OUT OF YOU
***TheBarwisAidMan is staring wistfully out the hole in the wall to the lonely Ann Arbor sky***
THERE WAS SOMETHING IN THE AIR THAT NIGHT
THE STARS WERE BRIGHT FERNANDO
THEY WERE SHINING THERE FOR YOU AND ME
Very shortly, these will be moving to Wolverine Liberation Army (http://wolverineliberationarmy.blogspot.com) exclusively - but since Kevin Grady's story started here I will finish it here.
***Kent County Jail, Michigan***
MyFairGrady: well aint this just a bitch
MOboozeMOproblems: tell me about
MyFairGrady: coach mo?
MOboozeMOproblems: I know what you are going through, Kevin.
MyFairGrady: man whatever happened to you after pimpslapping that waitress or whatever
MOboozeMOproblems: Well son, you don't get many chances to be a Michigan Man, fair or not. After I blew mine, I coached the worst franchise in the NFL to the cusp of the playoffs, got fired by a guy who can't be bothered to live near the team he runs, replaced by a doofus who couldn't coach a JV powderpuff team, and have spent the last half decade smoking cigarette butts collected from the trash outside Meijer and stealing half finished drinks from people in the bar.
MyFairGrady: is that my future dawg?
MOboozeMOproblems: Hopefully not Kevin, hopefully not. Just pray you get another shot and don't mess it up. That is what separates the wheat from the chaff at this level. We all mess up, it's in how we respond.
MyFairGrady: so what ur sayin is i should break mcguffs spine
MOboozeMOproblems: Well, that might make you feel better in the short term - like downing a bottle of floor varnish because you ran out of gin. But in the long term, you should work hard - go to your friends houses to "visit", collect the change from underneath the cushions, and save up for a new bottle of gin. It might take a while, but you'll be much happier and spend far less time in the hospital.
MyFairGrady: i aint sure thats applicable
MOboozeMOproblems: Sure it is Kevin. Think of every extra wind sprint, every extra squat, every extra fight with Coach Barwis and his polar bear, as another nickel on your way to that sweet, sweet bottle of gin.
MyFairGrady: he killed the polar bear cuz it was eating high fructose corn syrup
MOboozeMOproblems: Now that's a man.
MyFairGrady: so you think ill get another shot coach?
MOboozeMOproblems: You never know. Coach Rodriguez seems like a decent man. But if you don't, you can always come play for me. I've got an offer to coach the expansion Battle Creek Potawotami in AFL3.
MyFairGrady: ill keep that in mind coach mo
MOboozeMOproblems: That's good, son. Work hard. Don't be a loser like so many others.
DoYouSmellWhatBarakaIsCooking: yo bitches
DoYouSmellWhatBarakaIsCooking: ne1 got a light for this jay
Part III will continue later this week...
Today is Part I of the Kevin Grady saga. Part II will most likely arrive on Monday, due to the holiday and all. Assuming I don't pull a Grady and end up in jail myself, that is. Enjoy.
MyFairGrady: barkeep get me anotha one of those dranks
Barkeep: You mean another water, sir?
MyFairGrady: yea bitch gotta keep hydrated for that crazy bitch barwis
MyFairGrady: you hear about yesterday man he broke tim jamisons back cuz he was eating an ice cream store clerk
Barkeep: Sounds stressful. Perhaps a drink to unwind?
MyFairGrady: fuck you i got my h20
Barkeep: Very well sir – can I ask who your friend here is? He looks underage
McGuffTheTDDawg: yo yo yo check it
McGuffTheTDDawg: you aint know me?
Yo check it 1 2
my name is sam
i'm slippery like a pan covered in pam
cooking oil that is what im sayin
burnin fools like canola in the toaster
MyFairGrady: man what in the fuck
dont worry about him hes with me imma watchin out for his ass
i run for miles
like i'm boobie miles
cept he was black and kind of whack
im texas bred and destined for a plaque
MyFairGrady: dont get down on boobie man he tore an acl just like me, you aint know shit bout comin back from that
McGuffTheTDDawg: im drizzzunk in this bitch and that chick looks like a witch
MyFairGrady: imma buy her a drank
get some of those panty drop shots or whatevr you fucks call it
Barkeep: Very well sir
***Barkeep has handed MyFairGrady a strawberry daiquiri***
***MyFairGrady has fumbled the drink into his lap***
McGuffTheTDDawg: fumbles over here cant get his game on
cuz he cant keep the drink off his shirt
MyFairGrady: that dont even come close to rhyming you stupid motherfucka
get me anotha one of them things
***MyFairGrady has spilled the drink on his shirt***
MyFairGrady: mothafuck i am outta here get yo shit togetha drunkie mcguffie we going home u gonna meet my folks so they can tell u what a dumb mothafuck u are
***MyFairGrady and McGuffTheTDDawg are driving***
McGuffTheTDDawg: yo check it
mcguff aint feelin right tonite
like he swallowed a tin o vegemite
think he gonna have gastrocardiac episode
all in your pontiac
***McGuffTheTDDawg has vomited on MyFairGrady***
***MyFairGrady has vomit in his eyes and swerves the car across the center line***
LadyCop: Excuse me, sir, I noticed you were driving erratically back there.
MyFairGrady: come on miss this dipshit in the seat next to me puked on me
LadyCop: That's Sam McGuffie, All-American recruit from Texas. He wouldn't do that. Who are you?
MyFairGrady: u kidding me lady im kevin grady, all-universe recruit from this fuckin town
LadyCop: Whoa there, Mr. Grady. Maybe you should step out of the vehicle.
***MyFairGrady has exited the vehicle***
LadyCop: Now, if you are Mr. Grady and you are sober, then you should have no problem taking this handoff from me.
/pulls out football
***MyFairGrady has fumbled the handoff***
I am once again shamelessly ripping off The Dugout. If these ever become any type of popular, I'll probably quit hogging MGoBlog megabits and move them to my own site, the always entertaining Wolverine Liberation Army, at http://wolverineliberationarmy.blogspot.com. Cheap plugs!
Safety_Cone: hii Justin i wuz wonderin if u want play some video game with me
Feaginator: I would love to David, what do we have? I’ll have you know though, I am a competitor. I will beat you mercilessly. I love competition.
Safety_Cone: my mom bought me dis game its called ncaa
Feaginator: Why are you wearing a helmet?
Safety_Cone: momma doesn’t want me to fall and hurt myself again like the time I tried to chase the laser pointer and hit my head on the air conditioner
***Threet_Level_Midnite has entered***
Threet_Level_Midnite: Whats up dudes can I play
Safety_Cone: sure u can take my spot i don’t mind watching momma said i should share
*** Feaginator tosses controller to Threet_Level_Midnite
***The controller has gone over Threet_Level_Midnite and out the window
Feaginator: I threw that further than you could have. Do you want to compete? Let’s have a competition.
Threet_Level_Midnite: What are we supposed to do now?
Safety_Cone: is ok guys i have battleship, operation, and the
omega virus which talks and is super neat
Feaginator: You are drooling on yourself
***Safety_Cone has hit Feaginator over the head with the Battleship box***
Safety_Cone: not the momma! not the momma!
Threet_Level_Midnite: Chain Gailey used to do that to me
Feaginator: This is ridiculous. I’m going to play the computer.
*** Feaginator is down 76-3 at the half against Sam Houston St.***
Threet_Level_Midnite: Good work, maybe you should study the playbook
/grabs playbook from messenger bag
Feaginator: Why does your playbook say “Property of P. White” on it? And why does it have so many pages?
Threet_Level_Midnite: Most of the pages are google maps directions to Idaho St University. I think there is a message but I’m not sure what it is. What does yours look like?
*** Feaginator holds up three notecards stapled together***
Threet_Level_Midnite: First, you drew these yourself. Second, two plays are QB draws, one to the left and one to the right. Third, the last card just says “COMPETE” on it 27 times.
Feaginator: I am a competitor. I love to compete.
Safety_Cone: my playbook is on the clipboard
Threet_Level_Midnite: This sucks, I’m going to go get drunk with Carson.
Safety_Cone: want to race down the hallways
Feaginator: Yes, I would love to compete with you. I welcome the opportunity.
*** Feaginator has slipped and crashed into the fire alarm***
Safety_Cone: a winner is me!
Marquis de Slocum: i love carrot cake
Marquis de Slocum: yes i do
TugboatTerrance: dude stop eating those things u know barwis only lets us have the one box they have to last all season or im gonna be eating leftover rice from the trash in the cafe afterhours
Marquis de Slocum: i miss coach coach git
TugboatTerrance: me too man he used to collect the paper plates from outside back room and squeeze the grease into my mouth while i was sleeping
TugboatTerrance: just like momma did
***TheBarwisAidMan has broken through the wall***
TheBarwisAidMan: OHHHHHHHHH YEAH
Marquis de Slocum: fuck man fuck
TugboatTerrance: i miss my grease
Marquis de Slocum: man dont u know any other poetry
Marquis de Slocum: dawg even i know that isnt how it goes
TugBoatTerrance: we dont have to wrestle that polar bear again today do we
Marquis de Slocum: i want a klondike
***TheBarwisAidMan has broken through the opposite wall***
TugboatTerrance: if we dont win 12 games this year imma kill that muthafucka
I am concerned about the lack of offensive line commitments, also the weather.
In the Big East, Rich Rodriguez did not need offensive lineman. In the Big 10, you do. Unlike the Big East, we require offensive lineman. In the Big East, you get to use three tackling dummies and a machine gun. This is not allowed in traditional Big 10 rules. Therefore, I am concerned that DICKROD hasn't learned what conference he is going to play football in this fall.
Also, I heard that you aren't allowed to run a "spread" offense if the temperature falls below 34 degrees - that is why WVU lost to Pittsburgh last year. Correct?