I love McRib sandwiches.
Dave Brandon Can't Order at McDonald's: Why these new divisions give me heartburn and make me sad
After much debate, hand-wringing, and a barrage of angry emails, we now know who, where, and when Michigan will be playing over (at least) the next two years. While popular sentiment among the Michigan (and OSU) fan-base indicated a strong (if not universal) desire to see the aforementioned rivals placed in the same division with their annual showdown preserved as the marquee/final game of the Big 10 regular season, it appears our athletic director wanted something different. In his comments before and after the decision to divide the Big 10 was announced, Dave Brandon repeatedly emphasized his desire to see Michigan and Ohio State eventually meet in a Big 10 Championship Game. I, for one, also find it much easier to believe that Brandon, a powerful former CEO with strong political aspirations who once burned a letter from Subway on national TV backing one of the biggest brands in all of sports, got exactly what he wanted, rather than to assume that the combined clout of Michigan and Ohio State was unable to influence this decision, especially when what they wanted (or at least should have wanted) appeared to be the most beneficial arrangement (or at least not a harmful one) for the conference as a whole.
At first glance, more Michigan-Ohio State, higher stakes Michigan-Ohio State, and ultra-hyped Michigan-Ohio State in super-primetime may seem like a good thing. Who doesn’t want more of a good thing? If one Game is good, two is better, right? Why not make the Game bigger and better and take it to a whole new level if we can? Sadly, however, this is the kind of juvenile, short-sighted enthusiasm that brought you Caddyshack II, four bajillion books/shows/movies of wildly varying quality about vampires, and the latest Van Halen album featuring their eleventieth lead singer.
In essence, a potential U-M/OSU rematch in the Big 10 Championship Game is a McRib. While potentially appealing at first glance, it is not a good thing.
It stands out, boldly, above all the bland items on the menu. The crisp, tangy pickles. The bigger than average bun. The slow-roasted pork goodness slathered in succulent BBQ sauce (What chance do the traditional ketchup and mustard we’ve enjoyed since the dawn of time have against such competition?), with just a few fresh-sliced onions for balance. Add in the limited availability, the once in a blue moon novelty, and every one of us has at some point succumbed to the temptation of the McRib.
Then reality sets in. The flimsy pickles have the consistency of used condoms. Most of the seats at the sterile, NFL domed stadium are occupied by corporate sponsors and disinterested local dignitaries, meaning that the fans will have access to roughly 1/10th of the tickets they would get in a traditional Michigan-OSU game. The barbecue sauce appears to just be ketchup with the subtle addition of more brown. See the Block M used to spellout “Michelin” or “Midas” or some other automotive giant. Watch as the guy who sold the most mufflers in Minneapolis gets to “dot the i.” Wait a minute, this bun was baked in 1974! Is that Joe Theismann down there in a bomber jacket, waiting to throw a football through a surreal-sized can of Mr. Pibb? You look at his face on the gargantuan jumbo-tron and wonder what has received more surgical treatment, the knee LT demolished or the frighteningly alert-looking face that is the same shade as the football in his hands. You examine the “pork patty” (there are no actual ribs involved in a McRib) and realize it is nothing more than a water-logged rectangle of pressed pork gristle, powerful preservatives, and what appear to just be big globs of fat seemingly injected in for the hell of it. And what about that prior meal (i.e. the annual regular season finale between Michigan and OSU)? It is rendered as insignificant as a single pickle that has escaped its bun, eaten as an unsatisfying appetizer. All that matters is the McRib (as your time on the toilet will soon illustrate).
Some say, who cares? “I never order the McRib, and besides, it is hardly ever even available.” I say, that is the genius of the McRib. It makes itself scarce, it disappears for a year or more at a time and when it returns we have all but forgotten what happened last time. We see the picture that so little resembles the product and we are again powerless to resist. Even if we regularly avoid the danger, the fact that it is even on the menu makes it certain that some day we will be stuck with the explosive diarrhea that is a meaningless regular season finale followed by an atrocious corporate-sponsored rematch.
In 2011, the Wolverines return a bevy of talented players on both sides of the ball. OSU, always formidable, will be led by a senior Terrelle Pryor. In short, we may very well end up eating our first McRib next December. When it makes us all sick, hopefully Dave Brandon (with his extensive experience in the food service industry) will see the error of his ways and keep this crap off the menu.
How much, exactly, did you smoke before writing this?
All that needs to be said!
Enough to be able to use a McRib as a metaphor FOR FUCKING ANYTHING.
This diary is nonsense. Are you telling me that the first time M and OSU meet in the B10 championship game you aren't going to be going absolutely crazy with anxiety and excitement the entire week? I, for one, think it will be awesome and can't imagine how any other M fan won't feel the same way.
Are you telling that the next time you see the McRib on the menu you aren't going to be going absolutely crazy with anxiety and excitement the entire week? I, for one, think the McRib will be awesome and can't imagine any other M fan won't feel the same way.
As an aside, at only the age of 29, for some reason, all McDonalds gives me the runs. Usually a race against time just to get home. So while I found your thesis entertaining, it all falls apart if we compare the regular season game to the rest of the McDonalds menu.
I agree with Big House Chicago on this. Who wouldn't want to be able to have a rematch in a year like 2006? How great would it have been if we got the chance to play OSU the very next week after losing by 3 points?
that if there was a rematch for the B10 championship game the following week, all the OSU female cheerleaders would be fat and covered in BBQ sauce, the football would be replaced with a condom covered pickle and...... oh, fuck it..... I have no idea what the hell he just said........
he'll take that to-go.
Does he have sunglasses under his sunglasses?
My main issue was keeping the game on the last day of the regular season. I was ecstatic to find out that they were going to keep it that way. For me, it trumped all other considerations.
However, while I don't agree with your premise, I really liked your post. It's always great to see creative and effective use of metaphors and analogies. I thought it was very clever and well-concieved. But a little more white space would be nice; sometimes it keeps the "tl;dr" people away.
Well, that explains the randomly injected blobs of fat
With the condition of the program the last couple years, th OP wouldnt want to play in the B10 championship game against OSU? Thats insane. I would give my left nut for back to back against OSU next year. Play it at Tiger Stadium site, inside that chainlink fence, I dont care.
Quit your bitchin at least we still play the game at the end of the season. It still has weight on if either team makes it to the conference championship. Just be happy with it for now.
just born whiners and complainers. Nothing can be done to change them.
Dave Brandon only orders Domino's, so your post is like a cow's opinion.
A moo point?
And why would the regular season ending game be rendered meaningless? Maybe you're thinking of a scenario in which both teams are far enough ahead of their division rivals that it wouldn't matter whether either wins or loses. It's more likely that one or both will need to win The Game in order to get to the BTC game. Maybe I'm missing something; but that sounds like a scenario in which The Game takes on even greater importance.
but I'll say it again: even if it were possible that the players playing in an OSU/M game COULD not care about the game (which it's not) the chances that both teams already have clinched each division title before any teams have played their final week is VERY UNLIKELY. Both teams will have to be both one game up and hold the tiebreaker on any second place team. And they would have to be out of NC title contention, which probably means 3 losses.
Just because they wind up rematching doesn't mean that at the time they play the regular season finale the game is meaningless. A team could lose the Game, but wind up back in it because another team in their division also lost their last game. That doesn't mean M or OSU felt no need to try in the first game.
This might be my favorite non-math related diary ever. Excellent work!
Are you sure that your username shouldn't be "Purple Drank"?
i like when McRib is around. all the McDonald's signs say "McRib is Back" and that gives me an opportunity to tell anyone who is listening that "Technically, McRib is more like the sides rather than the back."
initially, this worked pretty well, nowadays, not so much.
As I followed the hullaballo, there was more outcry over the possibility of having UM-OSU not playing on the last week of the season (regular or otherswise) than there was over the possibility over having them play twice. I thing the hue-and-criers got their way on this, and as one of them, I'm happy about that.
Question though -- with the Game having just moved to after Thanksgiving, will it stay that way following the institution of the B10 Championship game?
Our rivalry is one of the most special in sports and based on the tangible/intangible dynamics set with this new alignment, we may have "The Game" debilitatingly important for two consecutive weeks. If it occured, I believe it could potentially make the rivalry more important and relevant than it already is, which I would have said was impossible one year ago.
However, I am incapable of doing anything other than "+1" you due to your excellent analogy comparing McDonald's food (the most quintessentially emetogenic substance) to the potential bastardization of "The Game." I don't see it how you do, but I really did enjoy the diary.
Empire Strikes Back, Godfather II, Spiderman 2, The Dark Knight, From Russia With Love ...
And I can find nothing wrong with the McRib. Give the public what it wants!!!
So you don't like the McRib?
At no point during your incoherent ramblings did you even come close to anything that resembles a rational thought..................
Everyone in here is SMARTER for reading your diary.
I award you 100 MgoPoints
And may God have mercy on your soul.
I agree, after the 2006 loss to OSU wouldn't you want a re-match. UM would probably have won the 2nd meeting and made it to the BCS championship game.
There will not be many times where "The Game" will be meaningless. In a few years when we make our return to greatness it will be tough competing against NE for the division crown. I can see "The Game" meaning a lot most years.
And if we ever get a repeat of 2006 it would be great to battle OSU again!!! But in '97 I would not like to play them again on a neutral field since they played us tough at home that year. But overall it would be fun to meet them again in the conference championship game with everything on the line!!!!!
So far I'm happy about "The Game" occurring at the end of the season. Tradition has won out and rightfully so!!!!
Playing TUOS twice a year won't happen very often. If it does happen of course it sucks for the team that won the first meeting, but it also means that we have had a really good season and will be playing in January. Let the pieces fall where they may and worry about it when the time comes. 2 more days until christmas
I hit the up arrow. Not because I agree. I thought it was mostly nonsense and completely speculative. But it was really entertaining, McRib-laced, speculative nonsense.
I basically agree, although I think you're being a little over the top. Rematches won't happen often enough to spoil the Game too much. But they'll definitely be weird when they do happen.
What gets me is that it really seems like the conference was willing to accommodate our wishes, and that we asked for this. I was thinking that this was a best-case compromise. Now I feel like we could have easily held out to be in the same division and didn't choose to flex our muscle. Well, at least the Game isn't in October.
We're in different divisions because DB wanted us in different divisions, not because he fought valiantly against it but was steamrolled by the mean 'ole Big 10.
After all, Michigan-OSU playing twice creates more product to sell. I would not be surprised if he was the driving force for this from the beginning.
We sell out the essence of what defines us, just to chase schlock and make a buck.
Just like when a town loses all of its cool unique indigenous restaurants and replaces them with chains (like McD and its glorious McRib), because that's what sells.
Then poeple lose interest and stop coming around and everyone wonders "what happened"?
I give you, the McRib.
Anything intended for human consumption should not be called "restructured meat."
It was weird how everything was in food terms but it made the post more funny and I say you did a good job with this.