The Blue Ox in the Room

Submitted by jhackney on

Utah is the only state where their national parks and most prominent letter in the state name match. Since first laid eyes upon, the arches in Arches National Park, have mesmerized humans to the point of graffiti in scorpion infested caves. The vivid images stick in my head from the words of Krakauer and Abbey. Utah is a place to go for outcasts, foolish miners, and spiritual cleansing. Tonight, The Utes brought a thorough spiritual cleansing to Ann Arbor in unusual style.

 Instead of arid air or peep stones, They brought a torrential downpour that cleaned out the already depopulated Big House and a long moment of clarity for Michigan, its coaches, and fans. Shortly after Hoke and Mattison got done arguing over who executed getting off the field least, the team was in the locker room for over an hour to sit there and realized that they were down 16 points to a vastly mediocre team. Fears also grew that Mattison may well have been without a headset after a violent spike on the tear soaked turn of Michigan Stadium. This long pause gave fans the feel of the game was over, but the punishment was on hold like some sick twisted NCAA version of the Green Mile. The thought that Shane Morris just threw a pic before the delay was even more depressing. Now even the hope of Shane Morris battling back the desert crusaders was deflated if not drowned in a pool of its own filth.

All of this is happening while the heavy fog of karma crushing the Michigan fan base’s consciousness. Like arches in Utah and the first letter of that enigma of a state, in a lesson of what goes around comes around. This or at least a hard lesson involving boomerangs and lack of proper hear gear. It was a loss to Utah that sent up many of maize blooded fans under Richard Rodriguez and has come around to nail our ever sagging faces again with more red flags that the ship is sinking and there will be nothing left but a nuclear hellscape populated with Nicholas Cage and his minions of komodo dragons.

This comes at the heels of an embarrassing win against Ben Cheeseburger University and even more humiliating drag through dog shit of a loss to the Green Weenies of South Bend School of Atlantic Coast Affiliations.  This leaves the only confident MANBAW win against a newly minted Sun Belt opponent that also beckoned a dark period approaching, Appalachian State. This isn’t how any of this was supposed to work.

We have sold our stadium for weddings, tradition for grotesque uniforms that Oregon turned down, and we have forced our coaches into being adopted by millionaire families. After chasing that damn hillbilly out of town and getting rid of the Lake Michigan, maize blazer wearing mariner, Bill Martin, we brought in two “Michigan Men.” Former CEO of a home grown Michigan pizza chain and former back up in the golden years combined with a former assistant that once was graced with being within smelling distance of having a good waft of flatulence from another “Michigan Man,” Lloyd Carr. Ergo, the baton has been passed to keep the blood line pure. However, I’d like to challenge the dominant logic behind that. I think Mary Sue Coleman would agree. All of this drama has driven Mary Sue Colman to drink publically and retire. 

 

A Michigan Man is real, but the way of arriving at that status is not always hereditary. Bo was from ohio. He became a “Michigan Man.”  Players come from all over the country come to Ann Arbor and become “Michigan Men.” Some do not.  In fact, some coaches and players, the fact of being on the team does not automatically inject you with the spirit of the ultimate “Michigan Man,” Paul Bunyan. One does not simply become a “Michigan Man” by association. One becomes a “Michigan Man” by thought and values. The very similar mentality of many of successful head coaches around the nation. Dave Brandon is a whiz at marketing and salesmanship and Hoke is a whiz at clapping his hands while keeping his ears the same color tan of his face and running a clean program. There needs to be a coach that is involved in at least one side of the ball. Saban would mutilate your skull with his championship rings if you tried taking his head set away.

Utah brought this moment of clarity between the haze of smoke and blur of vodka through their pilgrimage to the largest stage in football with brutality and a soaking rain that would make cows in a rock garden feel impotent. Although the experiment in branding and folksiness had its positives, we need to find the next “Michigan Man.” I mean, this is Michigan fergodssake. 

Comments

Stephen Hawking

September 20th, 2014 at 11:52 PM ^

Nobody cares about the Michigan Man, it means nothing, it doesn't get the football closer to winning games, and keeps the program in the past rather than looking toward the future. We are becoming ND with all our references to past glories. Hell, at least ND made it to a national championship game. What does UM have to show for any of this? An uninspiring Sugar Bowl win? Screw the Michigan Man meme. And Paul Bunyan? Are you talking about the rough and tumble guy who's residing in East Lansing (and looks to be taking up permanent residence there)?

justingoblue

September 21st, 2014 at 12:28 AM ^

there's a positive from today.

Excellent as always. I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you check the email you signed up with? Me and a few others you've had some decent times with want to say hi.

Tater

September 21st, 2014 at 6:14 AM ^

AFAIC, everyone who wanted Rich Rod fired and wanted MANBALL is getting EXACTLY what they deserve.  Unfortunately, the rest of us have to suffer, too.

hailhail

September 21st, 2014 at 11:38 AM ^

I'm not sure Brady is so much an incompetent coach (by incompetent I mean not able to teach the Xs and Os to players and inability to soundly playcall) as much as he is stubborn. Brady's coaching method, i.e., being more of a cheerleader/moral boaster, at face value does not seem like a terrible philosophy. The defense has done well despite being put in terrible situations by an incompetant offensed and players love to play for Brady. However, Brady holds onto certain characteristics of his football philosohpy that seem to damn UM football teams, e.g., old school punt formations and insisting to run a pro-style offense despite having on of the most talented spread QBs in the country. If UM paired a creative and progressive OC with some up-to-date special teams, I think Brady could keep his job and maybe UM could win a game.

BlueDragon

September 21st, 2014 at 1:34 PM ^

If Michigan Football refuses to change with the dizzying changes college football is experiencing then I have no sympathy for their suffering.

Michigan Football: Adventures in Cronyism.