So I happened to catch “The Big Lebowski” on FLIX the other night and I’ve always found these types of comparisons amusing when it was done using “The Simpsons” and “Game of Thrones”. It’s the offseason. We’re all a little bored. BiSB is bumming us out with ennui on the front page, so I figured this would be fun. So without further ado, here is Big Ten football as characters from Lebowski. Enjoy,,,and discuss if the spirit moves you.
Michigan – The Dude
Why is Michigan “Dude”? Well because he’s the protagonist of the movie and Michigan is the protagonist of the B1G. Yeah, this is a total homer thing to say. True the whole unemployed, slacker motif doesn’t really fit with the Michigan image, so if you need a more tangible connection, we have Hash Bash and The Dude likes himself some hash.
Ohio State – Jeffrey Lebowski
A rich and powerful mogul who when the curtain is peeled back is revealed to mostly be a fraud and engaged in an embezzlement scheme. Yeah, I’m comfortable painting the Buckeyes with that brush. But Tressel is gone you say? Yep, still comfortable.
Penn State – Jesus Quintana
I’m not making the obvious pederast joke in this instance, mainly because the whole Sandusky thing just isn’t funny. The sanctions that followed and the impact it had in turning Penn State into a ridiculous braggadocio is what lead me to tapping PSU as Jesus. Plus both Jesus and Penn State have an awful high opinion of themselves that not many others share. Still despite all the obnoxious flash and flair, the guy can roll and the same will ultimately be true of Penn State….probably.
Nebraska – Walter Sobchak
As long as Bo Pelini makes faces like this, comparisons with Walter are inevitable. Where Walter romanticizes his Vietnam days, Nebraska loves to reflect back on those days when they ruled the Big 8 / Big 12...until Texas and Oklahoma showed them that they weren’t as prominent a program as they believed.
Michigan State – Donny Kerabatsos
While Donny lacks the anger that we’ve come to expect in your average Spartan, his pitiable inconsequentiality to the other players of the story is undeniable; and that makes Donny very, very Sparty. If there was one school whose cremated ashes would be carelessly discarded from a Folgers coffee can off a random cliff, it would by Michigan State. Tell me I’m wrong.
Wisconsin – Maude Lebowski
Whereas Maude is the disenfranchised Lebowski who bristles at her father frittering her family’s money away on gold-digging whores, so it is with Wisconsin. Three Big 10 titles and counting and you still can’t hold onto your head coach or have anybody in the college football world take you seriously.
Purdue – Brandt
Purdue is an effete toady, refusing to accept accountability for anything. Any program whose coach accuses another school’s coach of being a Snakeoil Salesman in a Wizards Hat is Brandt. There I said it and I’m not taking it back.
Maryland – Bunny Lebowski
Is it really that much of a stretch to imagine Maryland as a gold-digging ex-pornstar that runs up outrageous debt on her husband’s tab? They’re $50 million in the hole man, she probably just kidnapped herself.
Northwestern – The Stranger
If the Big 10 had an omnipresent narrator that interacted with all the characters while not actually participating in the plot of the story, it would be Northwestern. I also have no problem imagining that Northwestern likes our style.
Rutgers – Jackie Treehorn
In this instance, I am taking the easy joke and connecting New Jersey to a loan-sharking pornographer. Sue me, sometimes I get lazy.
Minnesota – Marty
Uh, Dude, you know, tomorrow is already the 10thof the month and I haven’t seen that Brown Jug you owe me. You know, just slip it under my door. Also, I finally have my venue for my dance quintet, I’d love it if you came by to see it and give me some notes. Thanks, Dude.
Iowa – Uli Kunkel aka Karl Hungus
If your school was situated in the middle of a cornfield, it’s not so hard to imagine turning to nihilism…or pornography for that matter. Besides there’s probably a plethora of marmots to be found in Iowa (I have no idea if this is actually true).
Indiana – Smokey
When Walter pulls a gun and tells Indiana to mark it zero, Indiana acquiesces and marks it zero. Maybe their toe WAS over the line, maybe it wasn’t, but they're Indiana and they don’t get to win….ever.
Illinois – Woo
Because Illinois remains eternally pissed at Michigan and it’s easy to imagine them doing something as impotent as urinating on a rug as a form of payback.