alternate headline: man does job
Apologia Pro Charlie Sua
Good morning, friends! I thought I’d “de-lurk” and introduce myself. I’m Dougal “Doogie” Fitzpatrick: junior accountant at a big-name firm, practicing Catholic, and . . . wait for it . . . proud alumnus of the University of Notre Dame du Lac! What’s a proud Irish member of the Fighting Irish family doing writing at a Michigan website, you ask! Great question! Let me tell you what led to this intercollegiate healing session!
A few months ago I was in the breakroom at work when something shocking happened – I was subjected to anti-Catholic bias! There I was, eating my tuna salad sandwich and thumbing through the latest issue of “First Things” when . . . it happened! I heard two of my co-workers talking about college football, and their conversation took the following anti-clerical turn:
“. . . man, Notre Dame’s football team sucks.”
I was stunned. Absolutely floored. I stumbled back towards my cubicle with nothing more than my Brooks Brothers polo, Tommy Hilfiger flat-front khakis and Kenneth Cole square-toe shoes to cover my shame. Was this, I wondered, what the poor, doomed defenders of Fort St. Elmo felt as they gave their lives to defend against the heathen Turk? What the early Christians felt as they were cast by the Romans into the Coliseum with hungry lions? What Bill Donahue feels each and every time an episode of “South Park” airs?
Yes, I nodded. Like the martyrs of old, I had been chosen to defend the Faith. And, unlike so many of those pathetic losers, I would not fail.
I immediately understood that the horrible, anti-Catholic statements of my Know-Nothing co-workers were born of nothing more than ignorance. As a result, I turned to one of the great sources of light and knowledge on the World Wide Web: ND Nation. There, amongst those unmatched scholars who have drunk deep of Aristotle, Augustine and Ara Parseghian, I sought guidance as to which non-Notre Dame websites might serve as outposts on my first, tentative steps beyond the pale; beyond the enlightened utopia, the Shangri-La of Notre Dame football, and into the savage barbarism that is everyone else. There were ruminations and considerations. One sage poster even refused to leave his ergonomic chair until a solution was found, recalling the great sacrifice of St. Simon Stylites. Finally, the word came from on high: “Cook‘s a douchebag, but he’s a smart douchebag.”
With those majestic, awe-inspiring words, I made preparations. I ritually bathed and anointed my body with precious oils, accepting the eager help of my pastor in so doing. I learned to speak plainly and cautiously, realizing that many of the infidel would lack the grasp of multisyllabic words that came so readily to one who achieved a 660 on his SAT verbal. I underwent circumcision. But fear not, my children. For I have made my way here. I shall bear the patience of the Christ himself. For like the Messiah, I come here to teach, and through this teaching to banish your affliction of bone-stupidity.
I have prayed long and hard for guidance with respect to this initial post. I have sought consultation from the blessed ND Nation and from my Opus Dei cell. After careful thought, prayer and ritual mortification, I have determined that this initial post should be guided by the spirit of ecumenism. With that in mind, I thought –what better than a short, non-controversial list of things every college football fan can agree on? So, without further adieu:
1. College football is wonderful!
2. Instant replay, when properly applied, helps make the college football experience a better one.
3. Notre Dame football is a shining beacon; a city upon a hill; His word made truth; perfection beyond anything the Lord has created, including His Son; the Alpha and Omega; His favorite creation; and if you root for anyone else you are a heretic and unbeliever, and may God have mercy on your poor, withered soul, you miserable cur.
Does anybody have anything else to offer to the list? I hope so! I can’t wait for us to learn from one another!
p.s. I’ll follow up soon with some further thoughts on why Charlie Weis deserves a seat on the Curia; how anti-Catholicism kept Ron Powlus from the five Heisman Trophies that were his by right of the holy blood that flows through that noble paladin’s veins; and why the Jews killed Jesus.