I was thumbing through some magazines the other day, and I came across a couple of those American Express “My life, my card” ads.  Thought you all might find them interesting: 

Mike Barwis: 

Childhood Ambition:  I was raised by actual wolverines, so my dream in childhood was to escape from everyone and never be seen, killing and eating in shadows 

Fondest Memory:  Ryan Mundy puking out the weakness 

Soundtrack:  Anything, just play it loud 

Retreat:  NEVER! 

Wildest Dream:  To crush my enemy on the field before me, and to hear the lamentations of their women 

Proudest Moment:  Crushing my enemies on the field before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women 

Biggest Challenge:  Charlie Weis if he would ever let me near him 

Alarm Clock:  I don’t sleep, I plot 

Perfect Day:  Crushing my enemies on the field before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women 

First Job:  That’s classified 

Indulgence:  Chocolate milk 

Last Purchase:  65 lbs. of red meat 

Favorite Movie:  Never Cry Wolf.  I can’t tell you how much it reminds me of my childhood, and my pets. 

Inspiration:  Chuck Norris.  The way he sends me fan mail is very inspiring. 

My Life:  Is to issue f-ing beatdowns of weak, unprepared football teams 

My Card:  Is American Express 

Jim Tressel: 

Childhood Ambition:  To crush all happiness and joy in the world, and put an end to rainbows 

Fondest Memory:  I have 6.  <<smirks>> 

Soundtrack:  Anything with the screams and wailing of the innocent 

Retreat:  Only from the SEC 

Wildest Dream:  To beat the SEC, in anything, ever 

Proudest Moment:  Personally injecting AJ Hawk’s crack with a huge needle full of steroids, then writing a check for Troy Smith’s monthly stipend and having the NCAA investigator miss me by five minutes, tops.  You think a three-step drop is timing?  Try that. 

Biggest Challenge:  Leaving a trail of slime everywhere I go 

Alarm Clock:  Followers of the Dark Lord do not sleep 

Perfect Day:  Oddly enough it doesn’t involve football.  I’d start with a ritual sacrifice, then do some money laundering, get educated on the latest PED’s, and wrap it up by crushing someone’s hopes and dreams.  Preferably wolvrine32’s. 

First Job:  Paperboy for the Stygian Free Press 

Indulgence:  Sweatervests.  Nothing like a bright, hades-red sweatervest. 

Last Purchase:  Lots of candy statistically proven to be the favorite of runaway children.  For my own private consumption, of course. 

Favorite Movie:  The Devil’s Own 

Inspiration:  Kael’thas, my dark lord to whom I pledge my undying devotion 

My Life:  Involves feeding my black heart, which pumps my black blood, that nourishes my black, soot-stained soul 

My Card:  Is American Express