So I was playing my favorite older video game recently, Left 4 Dead 2, and as I was slaughtering the endless horde of zombies, it got me to thinking about how the zombies from the game can be compared to Michigan’s football schedule this year, with each type of zombie representing an opponent we faced or will face.

For those of you that haven’t played L4D2, it is a 4 player co-op zombie survival shooting game that takes place in a world overrun with an infection that turns everyone into zombies.  Aside from your traditional run-of-the-mill zombies, the infection has turned some zombies into special infected zombies that have various powers and abilities.  In L4D2 there are 8 types of mutant zombies and 5 varieties of uncommon zombies.  The zombies in the game actually match up very well with Michigan’s schedule for 2012, as you’ll see below.  (Author’s note – yes I know that in the game they’re called “infected” not zombies, but zombies sounds better and it’s Halloween so deal with it)

Alabama:  The tank.

The tank is the toughest zombie in the game.  It is enormous, strong, and extremely hard to take down.  Think the Incredible Hulk if he were a zombie.  That is Alabama in a nutshell, the NFL team playing in the NCAA.  Bama is an unstoppable dominating force, and unfortunately unlike the tank, we can’t throw Molotov cocktails at it to slow it down.

Air Force:  The jockey

The jockey is a zombie that is small and annoying.  It gets it’s name because it hops on your back and steers you into trouble, such as right off of a ledge.  Air Force is also small in size, compared to other football squads, and having to prepare for their triple option is annoying.  Also, having this game right after Alabama was Dave Brandon’s way of potentially steering us into trouble. 

UMASS:  The common zombie

Common zombies are easy to kill, dispatched with one well placed bullet.  Baby seal of 2012 UMASS was this, extremely easy to dispatch.

Notre Dame:  The smoker

The smoker is a zombie that ensnares you from a distance and slowly chokes the life out of you.  This is what ND’s defense does, choking the life out of its opponents.  Also, watching Denard throw 4 straight interceptions slowly choked away my will to live as well.

Purdue:  The clown uncommon zombie

The clown is an amusement park clown turned into a zombie.  It is the stuff of nightmares, with a big red clown nose, but the same level of defense as your ordinary common zombie.  This was Purdue this year, a team that had the appearance of maybe being scary, but in reality had no defense.  Plus the clown nose reminds me of their coach’s mustache.

Illinois:  The hazmat suit uncommon zombie.

Just like the clown zombie, the zombie in a hazmat suit is just a regular zombie with a goofy appearance, but once again no defense above a common zombie.  There are three reasons I liken this zombie to Illinois’ football team this year.  The first is because the hazmat suit makes the zombie fireproof, something Tim Beckman probably is since it is his first year.  The second is that the zombie has no defense, just like UI football.  And last, the hazmat suit is a good metaphor for UI football in general, because you need a hazmat suit to deal with the stench that is the Illini this season.

Michigan State:  The charger

The charger is like Juggernaut from X-Men, it will batter into you over and over.  MSU RB Le’Veon Bell is the charger in a nutshell, a human battering ram that MSU uses to run over their opponents.  Fortunately, MSU didn’t use him to batter us down as much as they used him earlier in the season.

Nebraska:  The boomer

The boomer is a zombie that pukes all over you, attracting other zombies to rush you in a horde.  When Denard Robinson got hurt playing against them, I totally wanted to puke myself.  Plus, Nebraska’s blitzes that swarmed our backup QB Bellomy are similar to the horde rush that happens in the game when the boomer hits you.

Minnesota:  The construction worker uncommon zombie.

The construction worker zombie has earplugs in, so he cannot hear things that would otherwise draw the attention of normal zombies.  Minnesota is normally a team that would barely draw our attention as well, so I thought this was fitting.  Hopefully Denard will be healthy so that we can crush MN just like one would easily dispatch this zombie in the game.

Northwestern:  The hunter

The hunter is a zombie that can pounce on you and trap you if you are unsuspecting and do a lot of damage to you if you are not prepared.  With Northwestern’s crazy offense, this game can be a trap for Michigan as well as NU can put up a lot of points on us if we are not prepared for them.

Iowa:  The riot gear uncommon zombie.

This zombie was a riot gear wearing cop that turned into a zombie, making him much harder to kill as he is bulletproof from the front, but he has just as much offense as your run of the mill common zombie.  This is Iowa this season:  a better than average defense coupled with an extremely weak offense.

Ohio State:  The witch

The witch is a zombie that is extremely powerful offensively, capable of taking down your character extremely quickly if you are not able to take her out first.  That is Ohio State this year, a powerful offensive attack, but not their customary strong defense from years past.  When I was originally outlining this post, before the Nebraska game, I was going to also allude to how the witch can be gone around and ignored while you still reach your objective (the Big Ten title game) but now that we’ve got a loss against Nebraska we have to go through Ohio State as opposed to around it, which is more dangerous.

Ok so that was what I was thinking as I was playing L4D2.  Happy Halloween everyone, I hope you enjoyed reading!