Obligatory pig

Dr. Hamlet III is eating a carrot out of Kyle Kalis’ belly button. Your argument is invalid.

Returned to Sender

We all remember the last couple of years when Devin Gardner and Logan Tuley-Tillman burned their letter from Ohio State. A good guffaw was had in Ann Arbor, and "scUM-has-a-discipline-problem" faux outrage in Columbus. On Tuesday, Notre Dame commit Elijah Hood tried to show Alabama that compared to his school of choice, anyone else was number two... by flushing his recruiting letters from Alabama down the toilet. He has since deleted the Vine video, but the internet never forgets.

His original tweet included the hashtag #RollToilet. The correct hashtag would probably have been #ToiletPaperRollTide, but we'll give him credit for the effort.

As a lifelong user of toilets, though, I question the wisdom of this move. Either those things won't actually flush, and he'll have to fish them out by hand, and if they DO manage to flush them, that heavy card stock will clog that thing in a damn hurry.

This also represents a troubling escalation in the "get rid of other teams' recruiting materials" war. A few other recent examples:

• A hipster Cal commit created a performance art piece in which he sucked helium and performed a dramatic reading of a letter from Lane Kiffin while a bootlegged copy of Maid in Manhattan played in the background. No one really 'got it,' but from what people could tell this was bad for Lane Kiffin, so LULZ NICE JOB KID WAY TO GO.
• A recruit lit a letter from Texas A&M on fire, not knowing that the letter actually contained four GA's that Kevin Sumlin sent as a barbershop quartet. All were lost.
• A recruit hacked into Joker Phillips' instagram account and drew genitalia on all of his crazy-ass recruiting pictures. Joker took one look, shrugged, and asked himself, "why didn't I think of that?"
• The younger brother of a successful college player, stuck living in the shadow of said older brother and upset about his own lack of respect, attempted to dramatically throw a letter into the ocean. This proved to be a slightly more difficult gesture than he had anticipated. 

Returning a letter from whence you came

[After the jump, Jim Tressel may need a little more Quiet Time]

Happy Easter !!

Jim Tressel is still around, and had some words of inspiration yesterday for his 12,000 followers:

It has all the hallmarks of a boring ol’ motivational affirmation: solid message (work hard and don’t give up and whatnot), authoritative source (Muhammad Ali), etc. But this one sounds familiar, and not in a good way. Where have I heard this before?

Oh, right. Some guy tweeted it to “129 current, former, and prospective student athletes with ties to The Ohio State University” last year. That guy’s name: Charles Eric Waugh.

Yep. THAT guy.

Odds are that it’s just an unlucky and unfortnate coincidence. But there’s always a flicker of hope that Tressel is really trying to provoke a new in-state battle between Akron (Tressel’s current employer) and Ohio State. It’s that kind of leadership that led to the latest movement…

#JimTressel4President

Gordon Gee’s tenure as Ohio State’s tenure came to an end this week because he suffered from a rare but serious condition known as saying dumbass things:

So, in the wake of this where will Ohio State turn to turn for new, fresh leadership to help move the Buckeyes past some of the mistakes of their recent past?

Not a bad plan. After all, returning to the previous page is still technically “turning the page,” right?

I don't want to draw any deeped conclusions about the Buckeye psyche based on this, but... actually, that's wrong. I do want to draw conclusions. Shame does not exist inside the borders of Ohio, and to Ohio State things outside of Ohio do not exist. You Worst State Everers are like the guy from Memento, but you just have "Jim Tressel" tattooed on your collective body in like two dozen places. You have no recollection of anything that happened more than 10 minutes ago, and you don't know exactly what the problem is, but you're pretty damn sure that Jim Tressel is the solution.

If you want to understand Ohio State, listen to this song:

And replace the word "monorail" with "Tresselball." Happy "retirement" Mr. Gee.

Zoinks

MSU Sophomore Denzel Valentine was digging through the iPhone or digital camera or something this week, and decided to share a picture of Gary Harris searchin' for Scooby Snacks and solving mysteries.

(H/T @TheOnlyColors)

Knowingly or not, though, Harris may have set himself up for a Zoolander-style walkoff with Johnny Football himself, who was likewise a Friend of Shaggy last Halloween:

Pictured: Not Daphne

It’s really not fair to Harris to have a pure “who wore it better” competition, if for no other reason than context. Harris is wearing his in a costume store. Manziel is wearing his in the real world, as can be seen in the many pictures that exist from that night. I’m not gonna document his exploits here, but you can ask Google Image search what Johnny’s night was like. Or you can take my word for it; dude had a real good time.

As for Harris, this picture does answer the question, “what does the outline of Gary Harris’s junk look like?” I guess Johnny’s 6’1” frame fits into costumes than Harris’ 6’4” frame.

[Side note, Keith Appling wanted the gang to solve the Mystery of the Missing Basketball. Turns out, it was the creepy old lighthouse keeper Trey Burke. And he would have gotten away with it, too... oh. wait. He did get away with it].

American Badass

Mike Martin is on a first name basis with Kid Rock. This is a strange world.

It’s somewhat hard to believe that these two specimens are part of the same species. Kid Rock has always been a skinny dude, but he looks even moreso standing next to Mike Martin and Mike Martin’s equally Mikemartinish friend.

[ED: It's been pointed out in the comments that the other Mikemartinish dude is Dominic Raiola]