Only if this is your definition of weird: "Very strange and unusual, unexpected or not natural."
This Week in the Twitterverse
Pork and Beef
This week, possibly in response to Mitch McGary’s fabulous work on Instagram, the football team pretty much decided to made the un-moving pictures their donkey. And per Brian’s instructions, we begin once again with Dr. Hamlet III:
And since I’ve been making an effort to be more informative and less snarky, this presents an opportunity to analyze the…
THINGS WE LEARNED:
- These linemen have a much more forgiving landlord than I had in Ann Arbor. They can have a pig. I couldn't have a fish.
- It's really easy to get into Michigan's Med School if you're a legacy, and even easier if you're a second-generation legacy.
- P1G, like the B1G, seems to have the most success with small bowls.
- If Lewan had ONE more season in Ann Arbor, I'm pretty sure we'd see this at some point next offseason:
Before that, though, several members of the offense took last week’s ManBearCrombie to the next level, and presented us with an overload of OMG Shirtless:
NOT PICTURED: weakness of any kind
THINGS WE LEARNED:
- Adidas apparently makes all of Michigan's workout apparel, too, and like the rest of the Adidas stuff it all fell apart and left the athletes shirtless. New shirts will probably be delivered by early December.
- Michigan's football team, despite their shoes, can receive no service. They can't figure out why.
- If you want, you can play tic-tac-toe on Taylor Lewan's shoulder (PROTIP: The only winning move is not to play).
- Sione Houma may or may not be Tongan Steve Breaston.
- Fitz Toussaint once killed a velociraptor.
- Michigan's offense is composed of very large men. And Jeremy Gallon.
Your parody account is bad and you should feel bad
Most of you have probably heard of a young man from Grand Rapids named Drake Harris. Mr. Harris said a while back that he would spend a few years at Michigan State playing kicky-throwy ball AND dribbly-shooty ball, but then he changed his mind about the dribbly-shooty part and decided to play his kicky-throwy ball at Michigan. This did not go over well in East Lansing, and elicited a pile of the usual Twitter crap. But that was six weeks ago, so the iron has cooled considerably.
But don’t tell that to the creator of what is almost certainly the worst parody account in the history of mimicry:
Yep, it’s an account dedicated to Drake Harris’s Ego, which Sparty* believes to be a thing. Setting aside the fact that this guy created an account mocking a kid, this is just a terrible account. First, I don’t think he knows what “ego” means. But more importantly, he failed to meet the first (and really the only) rule of parody accounts: they are supposed to be funny. I mean, objectively speaking, who is going to find that funny?
Oh, hey there one time Michigan State commit and current UCLA Bruin offensive lineman Caleb Benenoch. To summarize: a guy who decommitted from State loves that there is an account dedicated to the ego demonstrated by a guy who decommitted from State. I can’t even begin to unwrap the Spartyness of this tweet. It’s like a mobius strip of Spartyfreude; it just folds back into itself until you don’t know where you started but god this thing is nifty.
*And yes, this was the doing of Sparty. A confirmed State fan created the account, and then allegedly turned over control to someone else. I won’t out the creator, but mostly because I don’t feel like chasing down the details because I don’t much care.
Speaking of things about which you should feel bad
In related Drake Harris news, he continues to catch crap on Twitter for choosing a college, including a concerted effort from one guy in particular who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of “boundaries.” Harris finally called him on it:
Sure enough, I looked through Doug E. Fresh’s Tweets, and an uncomfortable percentage of them are to Drake Harris. Add in the alleged Facebook stalking, and we’ve got ourselves a Stage 5 Clinger. And then there’s the text of the message itself, in which this guy blames Harris for all of the hate he’s receiving because he’s “living with the consequences” of his decisions. It’s your classic “he was asking for it” defense, except here the “asking for it” was in the form of “selected an institution of higher education.”
This should serve as a reminder to the scores of you who still contact recruits through social media that it is a terrible, terrible idea, and not just because of the creepiness factor. They might see your comments, call you out, and make you look like a maroon in front of the whole internet. This guy is a real estate agent who uses his name and business information in his Twitter profile. And I will remind you that Michigan fans buy houses in west Michigan, as do people who don’t like being creeped the hell out by awkward people. So, congratulations, Mr. Ditmar, I dub thee TWITTER CREEPER OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK.**
**This name probably won’t stick. Also this probably won’t be a regular thing.
[ED:BiSB - The purpose of this section was not to encourage people to seek retribution. People should not attempt to contact or further escalate the situation. Let the Universe unfold of its own accord.]
[/Insert words here]
I don’t want to talk about this. But I think you have to see it, so… here it is. Warning: it’s slightly Not Safe For Breakfast.
(H/T @LandGrant33, and by H/T I mean Y U HATE MY EYES?)
Bucknuts. That is all.
Car washings is serious business
NCAA rules are dumb. But until now, we didn’t know just how dumb:
Yup, a University had to report a secondary violation because an athlete washed her car with University water. According to Lost Lettermen, the full story is about as dumb as you would expect:
A WCC school self-reported an extra benefits violation to the NCAA when university officials caught one of their women’s golfers washing her car on campus, according to the source. The NCAA ruled a secondary violation had occurred because the water was not available to regular students and demanded the golfer pay back $20, which was deemed to be the value of the water and use of the hose.”
It was a violation because the USE OF A HOSE WAS AN IMPERMISSIBLE BENEFIT. And she had to PAY $20 because the hose wasn’t available to the general student body. In other words, this thing that is generally unavailable to the general student body is fine:
Ross Academic Center
And this will lead us slouching to SMU:
Once again, fine:
Save us Obi-Wan KenO’Bannon. You’re our only hope.
(NOTE: the second violation, while less funny, is probably worse. How can someone make some kind of impermissible contact with a recruit when he doesn’t know who he is talking to? We lawyer types call that “mens rea.” Everyone else calls it “holy itchy Gold Bond balls, use some common sense you ridiculous tools”)
Ohio: Worst State Ever, but improving?
The University of Cincinnati baseball team had a rough year, finishing just 6-18 in Big East play, which is probably because baseball isn't any of the players' first loves. They were born to be swimmers:
or explorers, Roman emperors, big game hunters, or… well, swimmers again. These gentlemen will be going professional in something other than sports. Unless that swimming thing works out, in which case that'd be sports.
Rock Bottom Update
Look, Amanda, you seem like a nice girl and all, certain amazing but somewhat NSFW headlines notwithstanding. But this is about the point in your life when you are going to want to reconsider some stuff.
He alternates retweeting inspirational Christian quotes with harassing 17 year olds. Someone needs to tell him to STFU to his face
That first clip looks like something off of Abbey Road.
Douglas Ditmar's LinkedIn account give public information available to everyone, that he is a "sales agent for Keller Williams Real Estate in the Greater Grand Rapids area". You would think that he wouldn't want to offend half (or three quarters) of the population with his tweets. Pretty amazing that he would do that. He must not have much common sense...other than a fanatical allegiance to Sparty.
I wouldn't classify a "fanatical allegiance to Sparty" as common sense.
Plus on that side of the state, such behavior will win him a lot of clients. He's going to the King of the west side trailer park market if this exchange goes public.
To clarify: I didn't mean to imply that 'fanatical allegiance to Sparty' is common sense. My wording came out wrong. I'll restate it: He seems to have no common sense and the only thing he possess is a fanatical allegiance to Sparty.
I wonder if the head honcho at Keller Williams (Grand Rapids office) knows how the reputation of their firm might be affected?
Two people have already posted a link to this on Keller William's main page. I was surfing around for a Grand Rapids page but I have yet to find one.
Edit here we go:
Now the best part of this is *drum roll*, Keller Williams for N Ohio and Michigan is based in Ann Arbor! No wonder Ditmar has a stick up his ass, he'll spend the rest of his career at KW taking orders from a guy or gal in Ann Arbor.
I see -- I just googled Keller Williams Grand Rapids and this eventually popped up:
But if you'd like to contact his employer...
616) 575-1800 / phone
(616) 575-1801 / fax
(866) 575-1800 / toll-free
I mean, if he's offended a lot of people, deserved or not, he should be down with living with the consequences....
A quick check of Douglas Ditmar reveals his past job was "Ditmar Furniture", which according to Yelp is closed and when I called the number it was disconnected.
Spend more time paying attention to business and less time stalking kids, dumbass. Also, Mr Ditmar, thank you for ensure that Harris will never consider flipping to MSU. Can I email you a link to Marshall's Twitter feed so you can continue to work that magic of yours?
I know Ditmar looks super creepy here but nothing about him screams "maroon."
It's spelled Moran dumbass.
I envision Ditmar losing his job within a year, then under a bridge sharing needles with other homeless men within three years... and blaming Drake Harris for the hole debacle. #asshat
I think Vrabel's hole debacle is what the Gold Bond was for.
Put this in a Klein bottle and sell it you'd make millions, Jerry, millions. Great collection this week!
Correct me if I'm wrong but Drake Harris is going to be a GR Christian senior and Ditmar is a somehow part of the GR Christian community? How is this affiliation defined? I feel Drake's family (or lawyer) wouldn't be very pleased about a cyber bully coming from his own high school "community."
Is now sticking up for Drake. Bill, I believe is his name, said this crazed old man bothered him too months ago. Seems like the guy is a pageant mom trapped in a Sparty body - just delusional.
Ditmar's kids went to Christian. Doug may have himself but that would have been in the 70's. The only one of his kids that I remember was kind of a weirdo. His Ditmar Furniture went out of business (started by his father, not him) probably because Doug is a total asshat. He thinks he is some kind of jock and tries to hang around GRCHS, even though his kids weren't good at anything other than perhaps some country club sports. He works part time as a Realtor and isn't a good one, and also works at an apparel store. Again, bottom line, he is a big idiot.
I went to HS with his kids. One of his tons was totally obnoxious, so one night we TP'ed their house. Mr. Ditmar went ape and called our school and made up a bunch of stuff about vandalism that wasn't true in an attempt to get the school involved. So the school pulls some kids in to grill them and find out who did it but they never suspected us for a second and we laugh about it to this day.
How could he not get in? You know how underrepresented swine are at the University of Michigan? How many of you remember sharing a dorm, or even a classroom with one? The man has been keeping them down for years. /no politics.
And what the hell are the water rates at that school? $20? I barely pay that for a month's worth of water. Which includes a lot more than car washing. Someone is getting scammed.
I was thinking the same thing re: the water. Granted it's been a while since I last scrutinized a water bill, but $20 will buy you three or four washes at the Shell station down the street from me. Or, maybe she's one of those college tennis players who drives around campus in an 18-wheeler.
...a DougDitmerEgo twitter handle?
the USE OF A HOSE WAS AN IMPERMISSIBLE BENEFIT
You couldn't have a pet fish in your apartment? What did the landlord think the fish might do?
How did everyone miss "mobius strip of Spartyfreude"? That gets my vote for the best one liner.
Can I claim dr hamlet III as my new user name please? I don't know how to change my name from when I was an in imaginative 20 year old
so I can't remember 100% if this is correct or not, but I believe you just click "my account" and then "edit". Type whatever name you want and then enter your password in the password and verify password forms.
Also love the comment about Houma, my best bud plays rugby with him at Utah. I hope he ends up being a big contributor
To comment on myself... That's why he must have short rugby shorts on
Sad for people to make an account about a highschool kid. I am good friends with a coach at his highschool, and yes I'm happy he chose UM but he's also a good kid
I can't believe Drake would call out a 60 year old publicly. He is practically a senior citizen and probably didn't know what he was doing with this tweeter thing and this savy 17 year old TEENAGER has to publicly embarass him? Stop being a bully Mr. Harris. Mr Ditzmar has a wife, kids, and respectable business relationships to uphold.
Kids these days...
You should be more inclusive with your label. Instead of Twitter Creeper of the Week, why not Douchenozzle of the Week?