Typically this column tries to grab a cross-section of the happenings of social media. But sometimes an event is so all-encompassing that we can’t look away. No matter how hard we try to move on, a big ol’ train wreck will always grab and hold our attention. Fortunately, this one comes with actual trains:

[NOTE: The magic men behind this video have been trying desperately to pull these videos down as fast as we can bring them up, so if it gets pulled down, don’t worry. The Internet never forgets.]

There are just so many things going on here. Matt Painter makes a half-assed cameo. They attempt to rhyme “outdone” with “Boiler Up” (among about thirty other failed rhymes). The Lonely Island beat. The guy in the tuxedo. The overreliance on the inherent awesomeness of having a big drum. The sunglasses. The lyrics. Ooooooh, the lyrics.

As you can imagine, many people have put in their two cents on the topic. Among the suggested reading:

• Sports Illustrated transcribed the lyrics, and in doing so realized half-way through that they were doing the work of the devil.
• Purdue blog Hammer and Rails created a breakdown pointing out a number of factual inaccuracies, as well as to the general WTFness.
• Spencer Hall over at EDSBS provided a helpful how-to guide for making team-themed music videos. The takeaway: don’t.
• Adam Jacobi at Black Hearts Gold Pants showed how Kirk Ferentz would have thrown down, which… just read it.

The only remaining question is where exactly this video falls in the Pantheon of the Pathetic. Let’s take a brief run through the history of terrible team tunes:

[AFTER THE JUMP: Yes, of course there will be Freekbass.]

We Are ND:

Told ya.

The (blue and) gold standard in terrible media. This was actually produced by Notre Dame. They proudly posted it on their YouTube page, billing it as the latest production by award-winning artist Freekbass. This was just embarrassing, even considering the high standard for embarrassment in South Bend:

These are not unlike the roller skates Notre Dame wore in the National Championship game.

This is Indiana:

If there was any doubt, it’s pretty clear by now that the state of Indiana can no longer be trusted with technology. They only figured out Daylight Savings Time like five years ago.

We Are Mizzou:

Do you kinda wonder what the Purdue video would look and sound like if it was auto-tuned within an inch of its life? Put that block M down, son. You’re doing it wrong.

Crank Dat Gopherboy

The title says it all. Please don’t click it. You’ll listen to it for 12 seconds, get pissed at me, and punch a co-worker, and you’ll blame me. And I don’t want that. Even by writing the title I probably put the song in your head, undoing 6 years of work. And for that, I am deeply sorry.

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YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Sorry.

Willie’s Chant

KSU was trying to pump some life into their program a few years back, and they came up with the Power Towel and the Willie Chant. Watch this, and tell me it wasn’t at least somewhat inspired by this guy:

Return of the Quack

Joey Harrington sighting JOEY HARRINGTON SIGHTING

[Side note: did you know Return of the Mack reached #2 on the Billboard Chart. The song that kept it from reaching #1? MMMBop. Sarcastic slow clap, 1997. Way to go.]

Oklahoma Things:

Repeat offenders are rare. Stick your finger in the light socket once and you learn a valuable lesson. Do it twice, and your parents start mentally downgrading their expectations for your career achievements. Purdue did this, noticed that everyone laughed their asses off, and tried like heck to get the thing pulled (spoiler: they won’t succeed). Oklahoma did the one, and then they did the other one. Point: Purdue.

LizHoney2U:

Team Song + Leave Britney Alone = WPS.

Call Me Maybe:

A bunch of schools collaborated on this particular abomination. On the plus side, they left the singing to the meh pop star. On the downside, that inflatable Nebraska thing. I’m tempted to say, “show this to Dave Brandon so he knows the possible ramifications of having a mascot,” but there’s a decent chance that’s how SkyNet happens, and I’m not going to be responsible for that. I’m already on the hook for the Crank Dat thing.

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YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Party in the OSU

Okay, this doesn’t really belong in this discussion, but listen to Aaron Craft. Listen to him. He has the kind of voice that would make Homeric seamen crash into the rocks, but in an attempt to make the bad lady stop.

Finally, remember that this happened.

One caveat, though. It’s all fun and games in the abstract, but mock these videos at your own peril. Remember this little ditty?

Not so funny now, is it?

Exception: The following people can create team songs if you want. In fact, it is encouraged.

EDIT: Holy crap I forgot Aggie Swag. Forgiveness please.