We Must Destroy This Process In Order To Save It

(Ferentz? Nein, apparently (sidebar).

Kirk Ferentz will not be the next head coach at Michigan.

Ferentz, who has been the Iowa coach since 1999, is no longer being considered by Michigan's seven-person search committee to replace Lloyd Carr , multiple sources said Wednesday.

Given that the only guys who have interviewed are Brady Hoke and the two coordinators, I'm not sure whether to be pleased by this development or not.)

Oh, there's a process? Sailboat Bill Martin:

"We established a process and I am following that process, and from my perspective it is working," Martin said Wednesday night. "It's been tougher than I thought, but it's not that the process is flawed. It's the degree of commentary and spin. Some of the stuff that people are saying is just totally off the wall. But the plan is working fine."

Well, thank God for that. Thank God there's a process. I mean, sure, it's a completely insane process that managed to not have a credible list of candidates ready to go as soon as Carr retired despite Michigan having four months to prepare one, but whatever. As long as there is a delineated list of steps that's followed strictly, I'm good.

This entire fiasco hinges on the fact Michigan did not know whether it wanted to offer Les Miles the job or not. Because Martin didn't know he should call Miles agent and say "yes, the past four months of research have proven to us that you should be Michigan's next coach," he is not Michigan's next coach. There is no excuse for not being ready.

"There's a campaign out there," he said. "But there are times you've got to stand tall and follow your process, and that's what I'm doing."

Whatever the "process" is, what did the first four months consist of?

1. Sail on sailboat.
2. ???
3. Head coach!

"There's no question you can continue doing your work whether you're in Florida or New York City or Ann Arbor," he said. "But I was not going to call back Les' agent until after that game. Trust me, I can understand why people can see it the way they're seeing it. But my job is to bring the best candidate to Michigan."

I am not going to throw this vase sitting next to me. The flowers in it are dead and the water is gross and the cleanup would dwarf the pleasure of watching it shatter against the wall. The first highlighted sentence and the second highlighted sentence are diametrically opposed to each other. Martin has no idea who the "best candidate" is for the Michigan job despite having all the time in the world to come up with an answer to that, and he failed utterly. Not calling Les' agent when LSU's AD specifically offered that avenue of contact and Miles was frantically attempting to figure out what was going on is ludicrous.

For one, it's completely disrespectful to a guy who's made his love for Michigan known time and again. For two, it relies on some sort of Queensbury rules: "Dear LSU, I will be talking to your coach after the game. I plan to offer him sixteen quid a week, which is a considerable sum! West End brothels won't know what hit them! Thanks, good chaps, I trust you won't interfere. -- Sailboat Bill."

For Martin to simultaneously go "well, I never!" when LSU made their dastardly offer before the agreed-upon speaking-time and claim he's being "very aggressive" is ridiculous. It's ludicrously ridiculous and many other words that end in "ous" and generally indicate something improbable.

There is a process. There was also a process that resulted in -- don't Godwin yourself, and don't reference "Gigli" -- Hitler making "Gigli".

Dammit.

The point: processes are neither good nor bad, and sticking to your process when said process ends up with you not knowing whether or not to offer a coach in the national championship game the job just means you're doubly stupid. No plan survives contact with the enemy.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TELL THEM YOUR PLAN.