Dear MGoBlog readers,
As frequenters of this blog, the WLA has noticed that a masochistic few of you still yearn for a UFR of the game against OSU. As a movement of the proletariat, the WLA is committed to delivering on the whims of all our Wolverine brethren. As such, we have taken it upon ourselves to present to you the official MGoBlog UFR of the Ohio State game. That is, the real Ohio State game, not the one presented to you by the Capitalist Media.
The stage is set against the magnum gray of November in the Midwest. Two coaches stand stoically opposite of each other, their jaws clenched, their purposes polar but omnipresent . Jim Tressel's Transition Lenses (tm) hide his resolve, but only slightly. Rich Rodriguez ponders the semiotic meaning of the Elephant Graveyard in Disney's epic motion picture, "The Lion King."
0-0, 14:54 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - Terrelle Pryor runs over the right tackle for 3 yards. Jonas Mouton (+1) does an excellent job of filling the hole between the right guard and center to thwart this planned scramble. Pryor bounces outside, where Stevie Brown (+1) cleans him up.
*2nd and 7* - Beanie Wells rushes up the middle, but Will Johnson (+1) and Terrence Taylor (+1) have caused a pile of bodies. Wells runs into it for no gain.
*3rd and 7* - Pryor gets ample time (Pass Rush -1), and finds Sanzenbacher downfield for a gain of 14. Warren (-1) is in loose coverage, and Scott Shafer (-17) rushes three because he's a capitalist stooge too content to rest on the laurels of the past two plays rather than risk anything for the further glory of the people.
*1st and 10* - Pryor is rushed (+1 Brandon Graham), and rolling out throws an interception to Stevie Brown (+2), who, because he is Stevie Brown, will receive a -37 (-37).
0-0, 12:24 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - Michigan hands to Carlos Brown. Brown breaks some ankles (-1, because they were his own) and falls forward for two yards.
*2nd and 8* - Nick Sheridan, who by all accounts is a nice guy, nevertheless is Nick Sheridan, who does Nick Sheridany things (-1).Cool fact: did you know that Nick Sheridan's father is a real life NFL coach?!
*3rd and 10* - Michigan becomes frightened of the looming goal line, decides as a team to false start and give Sheridan some room to work. Obviously, the team was afraid that his cannon arm will not be able to operate so close to the goal line without killing an innocent end zone fan.
*3rd and 15* - Sheridan's noodle arm flashes like a glint of silver in the dead of night. The pass falls incomplete (-1) to Odoms...I mean, come on, what did you expect? Have you watched a game?
*4th and 15* - KC Lopata lines up for the FG ... I'm sorry I blacked out. He made it, right? Right? What? Hmm.
0-0, 11:05 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - Pryor hands to Beanie Wells, who looks great in his uniform (+1 and I don't care what team he plays for - rawr), is tackled by Tim Jamison for a loss of one.
*2nd and 11* - Michigan calls timeout, as Carson Butler has challenged Rich Rodriguez to a pistol duel on the sideline (-1 Butler). Butler fighting...DRINK!
*2nd and 11* - Pryor throws SGSL (-1 mgoblue.com for weird acronyms).
*3rd and 11* - Pryor incomplete to Sanzenbacher - no doubt because he couldn't decide what receiver to throw at, especially if he can't pick a college amirite?
*4th and 11* - Buckeyes punt. Martavious Odoms remembers that he forgot to put his Nintendo DS on the charger and starts to run towards the sideline. Unfortunately the ball strikes him in the helmet, and OSU recovers.
0-0 10:06 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - Michigan lines up in a ... crap. Unintelligible formation devolves into Chinese fire drill which devolves into "whose got the salami?!" Somewhere, AJ Hawk is smiling, thinking about all the times he's played grab ass at the bottom of the pile. That's right. We fumbled.
*1st and 10* - Brandon Harrison distracts Terrelle Pryor by telling him that Vettes Suck (+1), takes the opportunity to tackle him for a short gain.
*2nd and 8* - Pryor incomplete to Hartline, who immediately declares for the NFL Draft after the best incompletion EVER.
*3rd and 8* - Brandon Graham (+10) blows through the OSU line and hits Pryor with the dreaded spear-jackhammer combination for the 1-2-3, winning the WCW TV Title, and registering a 6 yard sack.
*4th and 14* - OSU Punts, Greg Mathews fields with a butterfly net, honey, and a vice. 7 yard return.
0-0, 8:39 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - Cynthia and Paul are a young couple living in the suburban Omaha area. With two kids and a third on the way, they're looking for some extra room and a place closer to Paul's work. So which house will they choose? The first house is in the middle of their price range, at $259,000, and has an in-ground swimming pool. But at 2700 square feet, it's the smallest of the three.
*2nd and 7* - The second house is a colonial in the Pine Grove section of town with a bonus room off of the Master Bedroom. At 3200 square feet, it's the largest of the houses, but also the most expensive.
*3rd and 6 *- The third house is the cheapest, at $236,000, and in need of updates, but this Victorian-style house has a huge backyard. So which house will Cynthia and Paul choose?
*4th and 6* - Zoltan The Inconceivable is bored with this "football" competition, and decides to shank a punt to spite us all. Hartline fair catches after a 27 yard punt. Inconceivable!
0-0 7:24 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - Pryor hands off to Wells, who gains 1 yard after being stopped by Martin and Thompson. Jim Tressel (-1) apparently enjoys playcalls that would make Mike DeBord (-500) proud.
*2nd and 9* - Pryor hands off to Wells for a gain of 4. WOO MICHIGAN IS STILL IN THE GAME!
*3rd and 5* - Brandon Harrison blitzes and sacks Terrelle Pryor. Columbus police double check their stores of tear gas.
*4th and 14* - OSU punts out-of-bounds, eliminating any chance at a fumble. Yay.
0-0 5:23 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - Brandon Minor loses 3 on a "SGL" rush. OMG LOL WTF IMO FWIW FYI ASAP PDQ.
*2nd and 13* - Nick Sheridan (-1) throws incomplete to Martavious Odoms. The stalking of QB recruits continues unabated.
*3rd and 13* - Sack. In a sports bar somewhere in America, a Michigan fan witnessed this possession and suddenly smashed his beer bottle over the head of the Ohio State fan sitting next to him. Somebody's going to the emergency room, somebody's going to jail- it is in this way that Rich Rodriguez is NOT upholding the tremendous family values that used to exist under Lloyd.
*4th and 23* - Zoltan is now inexplicably pleased with this game. 50 yard punt, returned 8 yards to the OSU 41. Somewhere, the zombie corpse of Woody Hayes is raiding a nursery.
0-0 4:06 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - Leonardo Da Vinci wrote
"The Unicorn, through its intemperance and not knowing how to control itself, for the love it bears to fair maidens forgets its ferocity and wildness; and laying aside all fear it will go up to a seated damsel and go to sleep in her lap, and thus the hunters take it."
Jim Tressell, evil mastermind that he is, instructs OSU-controlled Centaurs to unveil the lone virgin remaining in Columbus on the sideline. Obi Ezeh's Unicorn (-2) instantly leaves the field of play for the sideline, with an irate Ezeh and Brandon Harrison in pursuit. Beanie Wells exploits the opening in the UM defense rushing 59 yards for the touchdown. PAT good.
0-7 3:57 left in First Quarter
*1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th and 10* Rock, Rock, WR screen clanged by Sheridan, Punt. That's novel.
0-7 2:24 left in First Quarter
*1st and 10* - After seeing Nick Sheridan's attempt at super serious Quarterbacking (-2), Tressell decides he can sit on a seven point lead. Chris Wells up the middle for 4, tackled by TT.
*2nd and 6* - Moving the DT's out of the way (TT, Johnson -1), Wells plows ahead for 5.
*3rd and 1* - Mouton (+1) meets Wells in the backfield, but is carried for 2 yards, before Tim Jamison can help.
*1st and 10* - With a full cadre of RB's, and a 2:1 advantage in TOP, OSU runs Herron up the middle for 3.
*2nd and 7* - Cheating, OSU.
*2nd and 12* - Brandon Harrison, blinded by the shine from Terrelle Pryor's white tuxedo (+1) is left rubbing his eyes in pain. Pryor scoots outside for 8 yards, setting up the inevitable...
*3rd and 4* - It's 3rd down and 4. How far off the line did you THINK the DB's would be? If your answer was "1 Hectare", you're correct. 10 yards to Jake Ballard. At least Pryor had to wake up for this play, right?
*1st and 10* - Alex Boone, busy hiding under a patio, allows Jamison (+1) into the backfield, where he tackles Wells for a two-yard loss.
*2nd and 12* - This plays follows two strictures of the 2008 Michigan Wolverine Defense:
1. When the opposing team has more than ten yards to go, we allow a large play.
2. When something goes poorly, UFR blames Stevie Brown (-73.2).
53-yard pass to Hartline, Touchdown. Alcohol intake increases sharply, causing a major hangover later in the day. This, too, is Stevie Brown's fault. I’m sending him the bill for my soiled undershorts. (-23).
0-14 13:06 left in 2nd Quarter
*1st and 10* - Remember Little Giants? Remember the first game they played before they let the manly girl and the California pretty boy with the dreamy blonde hair on the team? Like, when the 3'4" little Asian kid was their best player? This drive is something like that. RUNRUNINCOMPLETEPUNT. Zoltan Mesko, wearied by the incompetence of the mortals, even shanks the punt (again!?). Mesko promptly calls a press conference where he offers his thoughts on the economic downturn. Michigan Men (tm) everywhere say to themselves "isn't that cute?"
0-14 12:07 left in 2nd Quarter
*1st and 10* - Drunkeness escalating. Maize and Blue blurs get pushed backwards as a red blur dashed forward for 7.
*2nd and 3* - Michigan, wisely avoiding their 3rd Down Achilles heel, allows Wells the first down here. Gain of 6.
*1st and 10* - Ohio State's TOP advantage rears it's ugly head, as Wells is too tired of kicking our ass to play. Herron rushes for two. I'm going to assume that since Brown was in on the play, he should have had Herron in the backfield (-2).
*2nd and 8* - Herron bursts through and trips over Mike Martin's limp body (+1) 5 yards down field.
*3rd and 3* - OSU, eschewing the pillow-soft coverage outside pounds Backup Beanie into the line for no gain. Charles Stewart (+1) is clearly lost here, as he ended up in the right place to fill the hole.
*4th and 3* - Pryor, whose inattention can be attributed to fantasizing about white Corvettes and prom dates, misses a wide open Hartline for the first down.
0-14 8:43 left in 2nd Quarter
*1st and 10* - The legend of The Tate grows, as Sheridan clangs a pass to Odoms.
*2nd and 10* - Ditto.
*3rd and 10* - Ditt - wait. What? Com...plete? To Odoms, obvs. 10 yards. 1st 1st down of the game!
*1st and 10* - Carlos Brown slips and stumbles forward for 3 yards.
*2nd and 7* - Sheridan, in awe of his brilliance two plays ago, stands placidly in the pocket as the OSU pass rush envelopes him.
*3rd and 15* - Jogged out of his funk by the brutal tackling, Sheridan completes a pass (!) over the middle to Savoy. Say what you want about Sheridan's ability, but he's the son of a coach and grittier than all the sandpaper in the world.
*4th and 1* - ISQD by Sheridan - first down. Look out Pat White.
*1st and 10* - MINOR RAAAAAAAAAAAGE. 11 yards.
*1st and 10* - Minor's Unicorn, emboldened by Minor's success gores (+1) the Centaur hovering immediately on the other side of the LOS. Hopping on the Unicorn's back, Sparkledust (+2) temporarily sprouts a pair of wings and soars over the OSU defense for 32 yards, where the OSU anti-Unicorn net ensnares Minor's faithful steed.
*1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th down* - Minor displays an interpretive dance of "Opposites Attract" By Paula Abdul, taking two steps back for every 2 steps forward (+2 MC Scat Cat). Losing 1 yard, then 5 yards, then gaining 6, then gaining 1. TOUCHDOWN! MOMENTUM TURNING, AMIRITE?
7-14 2:44 left in 2nd Quarter
* 1st and 10 * - In an effort to shed his reputation as the second coming of DeBord, Tressel decides to run off tackle instead of straight ahead. The devious little minx. Wells runs right, Thompson (-1) fails to shed his block and can't wrap up Wells as they collide in the hole. Wells slows and losses balance, eventually falling for a gain of 6.
* 2nd and 4 * - Shifting to the hurry-up, Pryor breaks the huddle and snaps the ball with 6 seconds left on the play clock (saving a whole 6 seconds!!). Wells runs left, Martin (+1) gets some push on the double team, slowing Wells to the hole, but Ezeh and Mouton slow to get to Wells, tackling him after a gain of 6 yards. Ah yes, the old "give him a moment to collect himself before tackling" style of defense.
* 1st and 10 * - You would think that with under 1:40 left in the half, there would be some urgency... but Herron runs right, tackled after a gain of 8 yards by Mouton. Jim Tressel's offensive coordinator picks his nose.
* 2nd and 2 * - Wells up the middle piles into a mass of humanity with Taylor (+1) at it core and falls forward for 3. Jim Tressel's offensive coordinator scratches his groinal region.
* 1st and 10 * - This has been too much excitement for Tressel, lets take a knee twice and call it a half, shall we?
OSU Marching Band, guy dots the "i" (+3 Michigan Marching Band for teaching them the formation, -17 Sousaphone Player for whom this will represent the greatest moment of his life) (-200 to the WLA for knowing what a "sousaphone" is and using it in a sentence).
7-14 14:55 left in 3rd Quarter
M20 *1st and 10* - Nick Sheridan slides to the left and keeps on a zone read. 8 yards followed by two hops this time (Sheridan +1).
M28 *2nd and 2* - Brandon Minor takes the handoff and after sliding to the right, decides to REVERSE (reverse) REVERSE (reverse) his direction. 3 yards and left foot one stomp. Left foot again (Sheridan +1, Maid of Honor +2).
M31 *1st and 10* - Minor receives the handoff again after he and Shaw crisscross. Minor turns it out for an 6 yard pick up (Minor +2, Drunken Uncle -3).
M37 *2nd and 4* - It's Minor once again as he dives low for a 1 yard gain. How low can he go? Can he get down low? All the way to da floor? (Minor +2, Overweight Bridesmaid -257).
M38 *3rd and 3* - Sheridan swings a bubble screen to Odoms in the flat. Odoms cha chas real smooth, but there's poor blocking and he can't escape a 2 yard loss (Stonum -1, Open Bar +17).
M36 *4th and 5* - Mesko (+1,000,000) booms a 59 yard punt. Everybody clap your hands. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP (Rhythm -12).
7-14 12:15 left in 3rd Quarter
O5 *1st and 10* - B. Wells takes handoff and heads left. Alex Boone gets a nice push, like a drunk pushing towards the stage at a concert and moves Taylor (-1) back. Wells brought down after a 7 yard gain. On the sidelines' Butler is fighting - unsuccessfully - the urge to get all wiley up in this bitch. As drinks continue flowing, we realize that suddenly we began keeping track of what yard line this is all happening on. Interesting.
O12 *2nd and 3* - Herron takes the handoff straight ahead and has a nice hole, but John Thompson (+1) brings the lumber and "BOOM!" He may not be able to tackle in the open field but he can hit what's in front of him. Short gain of 2.
O14 *3rd and 1* - Terrell Pryor isn't Troy Smith, but the LBs bought his play fake just the same. TE Jake Ballard releases and slides behind Mouton (-1) and the other LBs (-1) and Pryor shot puts an easy pass to him. Ballard rumbles up the seem before being brought down by Stevie Brown (-73.5, just because). Gain of 44.
M42 *1st and 10* - Pryor zone read right keeps and stiff arms DE Ryan Van Bergen (-1) because he is twice his size and turns the corner and gains 6 before Charles Stewart takes Pryor's legs out.
M36 *2nd and 4* - Wells takes the handoff, but Taylor (+1) stands up the double team of Cordle and Person and Wells falls forward for a gain of 1.
M35 *3rd and 3* - Trent and Warren back off the wide outs and Pryor throws a flare to Robiskie in front of Trent (-1) and gains 5 yards. In memory of Bo, 1 million Michigan fans throw their hats onto the ground in complete disgust.
M30 *1st and 10* - Shafer dials up a run blitz with Ezeh and Thompson coming, Ezeh (-1) is left unblocked and brings Beanie down for a loss of 3.
M33 *2nd and 13* - Figuring that was enough excitement for one series, the DBs drop 10 yards off the WR and Pryor fires to Hartline in the flat for a gain of 8. (Coverage -1)
M25 *3rd and 5* - Wondering when he is finally going to get play TE again, Carson Butler jumps offsides and gives OSU a first down. Dex dies a little bit inside.
M20 *1st and 10* - Wells takes the delayed handoff from Pryor and sprints for the corner, but is caught from behind by B. Graham (+1) for a loss of 1. Maybe he can become Michigan's version of LaMarr Woodley in 2008 (ht: Genius Insider Philosophers of the E-Blogosphere)
M21 *2nd and 11* - M. Wells (Not That Wells) takes the pitch right and the right side of the OSU line pushes Jamison and Taylor back allowing for a gain of 8 prior to Mouton making the tackle.
M13 *3rd and 3* - LT Alex Boone starts to get the shakes as he's gone more than 60 minutes without a drink. DE Carson Butler blows by the shaking LT and tackles Pryor for a sack and loss of 5. Unfortunately, in his jubilation, Butler swings at Pryor after the play and takes an Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalty (DRINK!) half the distance to the goal and an automatic first down. Rich Rodriguez dies a little on the inside and Butler is benched.
M9 *1st and 9* - B. Wells (Yes That Wells) runs behind the right side of the OSU line who gets a push on Martin (-1) and Jamison (-1) and gains 4 before being tackled by Mouton. While sitting in his basement attired in old gym shorts and ratty t-shirt, Mike DeBord (-10,000) mutters, "I'd throw rock again, rock always wins."
M5 *2nd and 5* - Wells (YTW) plays the role of ROCK!! again and picks up 3 yards behind the right side of his line before Ezeh and Mouton bring him down. DeBord (-Infinity) slowly nods his head.
M2 *3rd and 2* - Entire M defense distracted by Brian Cook's hair (+ 1 Million) in the stands. The hair... THE HAIR OF JESUS! Pryor uses his 6'6" frame to jump, ala Lebron James, over the entire distracted defensive line and slam dunk over the goal post. Hey, maybe he'll play basketball for us?
Note: OSU went 5-5 on third downs that drive. Calls to suicide prevention hot lines in the state of Michigan spike.
7-21 4:05 left in 3rd Quarter
M24 *1st and 10* - Michigan takes a delay of game penalty because the offense had been off of the field so long that Sheridan forgot where he left his helmt. (Sheridan -1, Sheridan + 1 for being "gritty").
M19 *1st and 15* - Zone read left, Sheridan gives to McG who runs off a nice seal block by C Molk (+1) but gets run over by Laurinaitis. Think Wylie E. Coyote. Gain of 2. McG's flattened body rolled up and carried off of the field like a yoga mat.
M21 *2nd and 13* - Odoms lined up in the left slot. Sheridan drops back and throws a slant towards Odoms. The ball wobbles like its been batted by the OSU DL. Replay indicates that it wasn't.
M21 *3rd and 13* - Deciding to utilize his scrapiness, Sheridan (-3) conjures up memories of Jeff Garcia wearing Lions Honolulu Blue. He drops back, slides left, scrambles right, and after buying himself some breathing room, "unloads" a routine flyball towards Matthews in triple coverage. INT by OSU FS Russell who is tackled immediately. Rodriguez blows up on the sideline and throws Sheridan's helmet in the trash.
7-21 2:46 left in 3rd Quarter
M43 *1st and 10* - Wells takes the pitch right from Pryor and sprints for the corner, Jamison (+1) string the play out, allowing for Harrison to flow up and make the tackle for a gain of 2. Pryor trots off of the field and stands next to Tressel, but he averts his eyes from Musburger kneeling in front of Tressel.
M41 *2nd and 8* - In a continuation of the behavior that got Michigan in this situation in the first place, Rodriguez instructed his defense to only focus on Terrell Pryor as QB, and that no other QB shall matter. Once Boeckman entered the game, the defense continued to focus on Pryor standing on the sideline. Hartline slips behind the stationary defense on a post route making for and easy touchdown reception. A fight breaks out on the MGo liveblog. Somewhere, a kitten dies a painful death.
7-28 2:07 left in 3rd Quarter
M27 *1st and 10* - Michigan lines up in the I formation. Brian Griese waggles right and finds TE Mark Campbell on a short out pattern that he turns up field for a gain of 7.
M34 *2nd and 3* - Tshimanga Biakabutuka takes the handoff and runs behind the left side of the line where LT Jon Runyan (+1) and LG Damon Denson (+1) have collapsed the DL. Biakabutuka (+2) sheds the first tackler and maintains his balance long enough to get to the 50. Gain of 16.
50 *1st and 10* - LT Runyan (+1) and RT Jon Jansen (+1) kick the DEs outside and the interior linemen, LG Damon Denson, C Rod Payne, and RG Joe Marinaro push back the DTs at least 3 yards each, leaving gaping holes all over the field. Biakabutuka splits the DTs an takes it upfield. After 10 yards, Touchdown Tim sheds not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 would-be tacklers. Now in the open field, he runs to the 6 before being taken down by two OSU defenders. Gain of 44.
O6 *1st and 6* Clarence Williams pounds between the tackles for a gain of 2. Tough running son-of-a-gun Williams was.
O4 *2nd and 4* - Griese play action to Biakabutuka causes the entire OSU defense to freeze as they defecate themselves. Griese waggles right, evades a flailing arm tackle and hits Clarence Williams who slipped out of the back field and into the flat. TD.
14-28 0:09 left in 3rd Quarter
O28 *1st and 10* - Terrelle Pryor on ISQD back up the middle which was vacated by the DEs stunting outside. Mouton and Williams combine for the tackle after a gain of 7 yards.
O35 *2nd and 3* - Wells (YTW) rushes for no gain when Taylor (+1) and Martin (+1) create a human dog pile at the LOS.
O35 *3rd and 3* - Terrell Pryor out of the shotgun floats a wobbly pass towards Hartline running a slant to the right. Pass broken up by Mouton (+1).
O35 *4th and 3* - Tressel dips back into Buckeye history and lines Jerry Rudzinski as the up back in the punt formation. He takes the direct snap and catches the punt coverage team failing to maintain their responsibilities and rushes straight ahead for 20 yards. (Punt coverage -11, one for everyone!!).
M45 *1st and 10* - Wells (YTW) rushes behind the left side of his line with Martin unable to stand up to the double team and Wells bulls ahead for 5 yards, tackled by Thompson and Ezeh.
M40 *2nd and 5* - Terrelle Pryor on the QB bootleg gets strung out towards the sideline by B. Graham but is able to turn the corner and head upfield. Stevie Brown comes up to deliver the hit along the sideline, but Pryor steps out 1 yard short of the first down marker. Tressel is fuming (you can tell by the cute little pout in his lips). Pryor gets yanked and Stanley Jackson comes off of the bench.
M36 *3rd and 1* - Stanley Jackson pass complete to Robiskie down the left sideline as Trent (-1) and Brown (-1) blow the coverage, leaving the WR wide open for a gain of 27 yards. Brown recovers to make the tackle.
M9 *1st and 9* - Wells (YTW) off right tackle where Jamison (+1) sheds his block and drags Wells down for a gain of 2 yards.
M7 *2nd and 7* - Trent out and #2 in at CB. Stanley Jackson from under center sees his inside receiver run a slant with a lazy cut and floats the pass. The route is undercut by Woodson (+1 Heisman) and intercepted in the end zone.
14-28 11:12 left in 4th Quarter
M20 *1st and 10* - Sensing the opportunity to be a hero and end the losing steak against OSU, Sheridan digs his helmet out of the trash and calls the Ann Arbor Police to report a broken window at Scorekeepers. Brian Griese is immediately arrested. Sheridan zone read right hands off to Minor who is immediately taken down by Laurinitis as there is no concern about Sheridan making yards with his legs. Gain of 1.
M21 *2nd and 9* - Sheridan rolls out right to find no receivers to the right hand side of the field as all of the young receivers have run the wrong route. Sheridan tucks the ball and makes it back to the LOS where he is brought down by LB Freeman.
M21 *3rd and 9* - Realizing the only pass that might be completed is a flare to a slot receiver, RR dials up a quick pass to Odoms who eludes the first would-be tackler and turns up field. Unfortunately, electrons have no mass and as he tries to put his shoulder down and plow through CB Malcolm Jenkins for the last yard, he is stopped immediately in his tracks. Gain of 8.
M29 *4th and 1* - Zoltan Mesko (aka "Queen of Space in Space") rolls left and uncorks a line drive rugby punt that only flies 10 yards, but rolls 43 more where it is downed for no return. Somewhere, Lloyd Carr turns to his wife and says, "that was some tremendous velocity."
14-28 8:15 left in 4th Quarter
O26 *1st and 10* Joe Germaine under center. Justin Boren jumps offsides. He stares into the stands, only to find his father, arms crossed and angry, his eyes burning through Justin like lasers. Young Boren knows the drill: later, he will plow snow until his hands ache and arms sag. He will protest ("But DADDDDDDDY....") but family values is all about character building and Justin Boren's character is, well, unbuilt.
O21 *1st and 15* Pryor is assessed a personal foul penalty for trying to roll out in his white corvette. He turns to the referee and tries to explain "I was just pearlin' my miracle whip," but his lamentation falls upon deaf ears.
O10 *1st and 26* Tressel calls a dive left, thinking smugly to himself "I'm such a pretty man." Wells picks up 3 yards.
O13 *2nd and 23* Pryor's pass to Hartline falls short. The timeless adage relating football passes to injured/dying ducks is employed.
O13 *3rd and 23* A brief dagger of sunlight shoots through the clouds and Tressel's Transition Lenses (tm) fail to transition quickly. Blinded, he inadvertently sends out the field goal team. Justin Boren rises above the chaos and calls a timeout. Tressel meets him on the sideline and whispers in his ear: "atta boy Justin. Your father has taught you well. Mike Boren is one hell of a man and a great competitor and an even better landscaper. His vision is unparalleled. He is a visionary. And you, son, are beautiful. I will love you forever. You have glorious breasts"
O13 *3rd and 23* Dive right is stuffed like a Pizone (tm) or Justin Boren after a late night snack on the Gittleson diet.
O13 *4th and 23* Buckeyes punt. Desmond Howard returns the punt for a TD (HELLO HEISMAN, bitches! Keith Jackson comes dangerously close to having a heart attack, but he doesn't because his doctor recently prescribed 20 minutes a day on the elliptical machine and Keith Jackson truly and honestly respects his doctor's opinion).
21-28 5:37 left in 4th Quarter
O20 *1st and 10* Stanley Jackson replaces Joe Germaine (aka the "Freckled Wonder") and promptly throws a 29 yard completion (out route) to David Boston.
O49 *1st and 10* Stanley Jackson again looks for Boston on the out route, but feels pressure, and the pocket collapses. Pass is intercepted by Andre Weathers due to Boston being under the influence of the date rape drug. Michigan returns interception for 6 points. Michigan PAT blocked and recovered by an-D kTzN-MorER. kTzN-MorER fails to return the blocked kick as he forgets how to run AND hold the football at the same time. Stanley Jackson immediately calls it a career, dons a Scarlett-colored velour suit and begins offering the least articulate post-game analysis (like, worse than Shannon Sharpe) in the history of the free world on WBNS-10TV. Somewhere, Lloyd Carr turns to his wife and says "that was tremendous." Elsewhere, OSU fans think to themselves: Quarterback that should lose his job: Stanley Jackson. Quarterback that should keep his job: Joe Germaine. Still elsewhere, OSU fans try to think to themselves and arrive at the conclusion that they just can't muster a thought. Thinking is hard.
27-28 4:54 left in 4th Quarter
O20 *1st and 10* James Laurinaitis's father is administered an IQ test whereupon he scores a 27. Doctors everywhere wonder how a man so retarded can actually and functionally breathe. On the field, Tressell calls old faithful, dive right. Wells is stopped for a one yard gain by Graham (+1).
O21 *2nd and 9* The fierce winds knot Brian Cook's hair into what ostensibly appears to be a Sherpa blanket. Cook is visibly upset and throws a cup at an old man. On the field, Tressel calls old faithful, dive right. Wells is stopped for a one yard gain by Graham (+1).
O22 *3rd and 8* Craig Krenzel is studying to be be Astrophysicist who performs neurosurgery on kittens. Somewhere, Lloyd Carr remarks to his wife that Krenzel is a "tremendous young man." Krenzel completes a 77 yard pass to Joey Galloway, who takes his helmet off in celebration. Carson Butler's nerd-hate boils over and he clubs Craig Krenzel with a folding chair, serving as a preview to his career as a professional wrestler.
M1 *1st and 10* Tressel calls timeout and nods to the booth. Kirk Herbstreit, already wearing his uniform, grabs a helmet without a facemask (because he wants the ladies at home to be able to see the face). Wells (YTW) dive right. No gain.
M1 *2nd and 10* Tressel calls dive right. No gain.
M1 *3rd and 10* Tressel calls dive right. No gain.
M1 *4th and 10* Deciding that he wants to be the star, Herbstreit audibles out of dive right and calls his own number on option right. The right side of line gets blown up due to M harnessing the power of Baby Jesus and all the 9V batteries in the world. No gain, M ball. Victory rumbles faintly in the reaching distance. Somewhere, the zombie corpse of Woody Hayes is pilfering a cemetery.
27-28 1:30 left in 4th Quarter
M1 *1st and 10* Finding a quaterback from the last era of dual threat quarterbacks, Rodriguez taps Demetrius Brown. Brown drops straight back and hits Kolesar on a deep out that he takes to the 24 before being tackled by SS Bo Pelini. Gain of 23.
M24 *1st and 10* Brown drops back and play actions to Hoard. McMurtry, split left, runs a post and finds a hole in the zone for a gain of 21.
M45 *1st and 10* Tressel starts feeling his tie getting tighter around his next, an his thoughts turn to his predecessor, John Cooper. "Don't go there. think about your happy place. Kittens and puppies make such fine snacks..." Brown play actions to Tony Boles, who releases to the left setting up the screen. Boles sprints down the left sideline for a gain of 19.
O36 *1st and 10* Catching the OSU defense off guard, Brown hands to Hoard on the sprint draw and the RB gashes through the middle of the OSU defense before being brought down at the 20. Gain of 16. Michigan calls timeout
O20 *1st and 10* J.D. Carlson trots onto the field (8:13 minutes into the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqptBz6eEBo). Steve Everitt snaps and Carlson splits the uprights as time expires.
30-28 END OF GAME: Queue up the Muppets!!
In the glorious aftermath of a timeless victory, chaos ensues. Confetti falls from above, showering the endless green of the playing field with a phosperently shimmering hue not unlike that of an eight year old's birthday party. Somewhere, God smiles and pats his belly and the angels blow upon their horns like Coltrane in his youth. Coach Rodriguez mounts his unicorn and takes a victory lap a la Jeff George (+1 for stunning imagery). He pauses on the OSU sideline whereupon his unicorn unleashes a bowel movement with the taste and consistency of Smoothie Mix Skittles (tm) (+1 for "serving" OSU). Pryor rips off his scarlet and gray rags, exposing the white tuxedo (+1 for conquest of a dapper opponent) he wears beneath his uniform. Tears sprinkle his youthful face (+1) and his ears flap like vulture wings in the cold autumn breeze. He is human, after all. This day has proven that. Tressel walks off the field, alone and inconsolable. He draws upon his inner self, pausing subtly in the aftermath, and makes a promise: next year's recruits will all receive pay raises. Far away, in a snowy suburb of Green Bay, Wisconsin, AJ Hawk glares menacingly at his wife, Brady Quinn, and says "go make me some lunch, woman." The zombie corpse of Woody Hayes stands upright and mournful, but only for second. For him, bloodlust is everything. For Michigan fans, however, unabated exuberance thickens the moment. It is butter-like and creamy. And delicious. To steal a thought from Carver, they know they are inside something: their houses, their neighborhood bars, their unicorn stables. But the taste is so ethereal, so magical, that they don't feel like they are inside of anything. It's really something.
Final : Michigan WIN, Ohio St LOSE. Numbers, are they really important in the grand scheme of life?
Wow. That was...
Well, no. The word I was looking for was, uh...what's the opposite of tremendous?
Yeah, that's the word. That was depressing.
Surely, doctors can prescribe something for this? Surely this can help?
I think all the doctors in the world would still recommend "an improved offensive line and quarterback." Pfizer can't help you.
But it says we won?
What is winning, really?
Victory over your opponents?
Is this a dream?
It might be.
I need a drink.
Jim Tressel NetFlix Queue
||Maid of Honor
||Alvin and the Chipmunks
||How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
||Failure to Launch
||My Best Friend’s Wedding
Future NFL players on Michigan’s offense in 1995 (the only position without a future NFL player was right guard)
- QB – Brian Griese Denver Broncos (1998-2002) Miami Dolphins (2003) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2004-2005, 2008-present) Chicago Bears (2006-2007)
- QB – Scott Dreisbach Oakland Raiders (1999-2000) Buffalo Bills (2001) Detroit Lions (2001-2002)
- RB – T. Biakabutuka Carolina Panthers (1996-2001)
- RB – Chris Floyd New England Patriots (1998-2000) Cleveland Browns (2000)
- RB – Chris Howard Jacksonville Jaguars (1998-2000)
- WR – Mercury Hayes New Orleans Saints (1996-1997) Atlanta Falcons (1997) Washington Redskins (1998)
- WR – Amani Toomer New York Giants (1996-Present)
- LT – Jon Runyan Houston Oilers/Tenn. Titans (1996–1999) Philadelphia Eagles (2000–present)
- LG – Damon Denson New England Patriots (1997-1999) Baltimore Ravens (2000)
- C – Rod Payne Cincinnati Bengals (1997-1998) Baltimore Ravens (2000)
- RT – Jon Jansen Washington Redskins (1999-present)
- TE – Jay Riemersma Buffalo Bills (1996–2002) Pittsburgh Steelers (2003–2004)
- TE – Jerame Tuman Pittsburgh Steelers (1999–2007) Arizona Cardinals (2008–present)
Hasta la victoria siempre!!
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