With apologies to Black Heart Gold Pants. And all of you.
This space has remarked on how deeply uncomfortable linebackers coach Mark Smith appears in all photos before. In this he is the opposite of Tim Hardaway's photogenic appeal.
This here is a Mark Smith keeper from Michigan's latest trip to Colerain:
Unfrozen Caveman Position Coach is confused and frightened by this camera business
Colerain is LB commit Joe Bolden's school, FWIW. I like to think his recruitment went like this:
Ladies and gentlemen of the Bolden family, I'm just a caveman. I don't know much about this modern world of yours, but I do know how to hunt and eat wild game. As your position coach I will teach you to hunt and eat the king of game: man. Did you know man is the sweetest of all mea—
Well… what Mark's trying to say is that Michigan's unmatched tradition and the superior technique coaching you will receive make Ann Arbor the best place for you. He is not talking about killing and eating your opposition, except—and I want to make this explicitly clear—in a metaphorical sense.
I am 100% sincere about eating the still-beating hearts of opposing running backs.
Well… no, he's not.
Together we will suck the marrow from the bones of the Midwest.
[two hours later, just outside of Dayton.]
I told you good cannibal-bad cannibal would work.
This modern contraption frightens and confuses me!
When we get to Wormley's house, I get to be the unfrozen caveman.
The sweetest of all meats. …
Well… you're probably right. You've got that bit down. And that says something coming from me.