Unfrozen Caveman Linebacker Recruiting

By Brian — December 15th, 2011 at 3:51 PM — 36 comments
Filed under:

With apologies to Black Heart Gold Pants. And all of you.

This space has remarked on how deeply uncomfortable linebackers coach Mark Smith appears in all photos before. In this he is the opposite of Tim Hardaway's photogenic appeal.

This here is a Mark Smith keeper from Michigan's latest trip to Colerain:

DSC_1325[1]

Unfrozen Caveman Position Coach is confused and frightened by this camera business

Colerain is LB commit Joe Bolden's school, FWIW. I like to think his recruitment went like this:

DSC_1325[1] Ladies and gentlemen of the Bolden family, I'm just a caveman. I don't know much about this modern world of yours, but I do know how to hunt and eat wild game. As your position coach I will teach you to hunt and eat the king of game: man. Did you know man is the sweetest of all mea—

DSC_1325[1]Well… what Mark's trying to say is that Michigan's unmatched tradition and the superior technique coaching you will receive make Ann Arbor the best place for you. He is not talking about killing and eating your opposition, except—and I want to make this explicitly clear—in a metaphorical sense.
DSC_1325[1] I am 100% sincere about eating the still-beating hearts of opposing running backs.

DSC_1325[1]Well… no, he's not. 

9540208-small[1]I'm in.

DSC_1325[1]brady-hoke-epic-double-point

DSC_1325[1]Together we will suck the marrow from the bones of the Midwest.
DSC_1325[1]METAPHORICALLY FERGODSAKES

[two hours later, just outside of Dayton.]

DSC_1325[1] I told you good cannibal-bad cannibal would work.
DSC_1325[1] This modern contraption frightens and confuses me!
DSC_1325[1]When we get to Wormley's house, I get to be the unfrozen caveman.
DSC_1325[1] The sweetest of all meats. …

All meats.

DSC_1325[1]Well… you're probably right. You've got that bit down. And that says something coming from me.

SCENE

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
December 15th, 2011 at 3:57 PM | Bolden looks small in that picture (Score:5 Normal)
TrppWlbrnID
TrppWlbrnID's picture
Joined: 10/29/2009
MGoPoints: 7885

are we sure he is a future MLB? looks more like a WILL

2013 resolution - make it onto the 2014 favorite MGoPosters post, not ironically
December 15th, 2011 at 4:08 PM | You have to put the two of (Score:5 Normal)
Maize.Blue Wagner
Maize.Blue Wagner's picture
Joined: 10/23/2009
MGoPoints: 719

You have to put the two of them together.  One is Joe, the other is Bolden.  Together...? They're unstoppable.

December 15th, 2011 at 4:00 PM | The Hoke double point never (Score:4 Normal)
Blue2000
Blue2000's picture
Joined: 01/06/2009
MGoPoints: 2649

The Hoke double point never fails to deliver.

"Come on, you Wolverines!"

December 15th, 2011 at 4:01 PM | Yes, I am 100% in favor (Score:1)
LB
LB's picture
Joined: 09/26/2009
MGoPoints: 5062

of fast LBs that attack the line with reckless abandon and arrive with a bad attitude and utter disregard for their bodies. The only ones better are those who like to hunt and eat their kill, metaphorically speaking, and before the whistle, of course. I also prefer them dressed in Maize and Blue.

May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift

December 15th, 2011 at 4:03 PM | MGOBLOG: THE MOVIE (Score:4 Normal)
Six Zero
Six Zero's picture
Joined: 09/05/2008
MGoPoints: 10153

(Unlike 2 out of 3 Hokies...)

I'd pay to see that.

December 15th, 2011 at 4:03 PM | Hilarious (Score:1)
D.C. Dave
Joined: 09/02/2010
MGoPoints: 322

Nice break in the middle of a work day to happen upon this. Very funny.

December 15th, 2011 at 4:07 PM | Simply Awesome (Score:2 Normal)
DmHsk39
DmHsk39's picture
Joined: 09/17/2010
MGoPoints: 4

I couldn't stop laughing "The sweetest of all meats. …"

December 15th, 2011 at 4:09 PM | Hahaha (Score:3 Normal)
Hardware Sushi
Hardware Sushi's picture
Joined: 03/08/2010
MGoPoints: 3490

Hahaha well done, unlike Mark Smith's preferred style of running back heart. Also, Ferrigno isn't exactly the worlds most camera-friendly human, either:

Intensity is a lot of guys that run fast.

December 15th, 2011 at 4:14 PM | I know this will add zero to (Score:1)
ChasingRabbits
ChasingRabbits's picture
Joined: 01/19/2010
MGoPoints: 1238

I know this will add zero to the discussion, but the amount of amusement I got from this small skit compelled me to comment and give it 2 thumbs up.   Well done, and when I need another laugh, I will read it again.  It has to be good for several or 6 readings.

Go Blue!

December 15th, 2011 at 4:16 PM | MANBALL! (Score:2)
Greenwood_Slumdog
Greenwood_Slumdog's picture
Joined: 08/25/2009
MGoPoints: 300

In the most literal sense!

If you can't get into college,
go to State.

December 15th, 2011 at 4:21 PM | Comment deleted. (Score:0 Offtopic)
December 15th, 2011 at 4:22 PM | That was sweet... (Score:1)
Blue in Yarmouth
Blue in Yarmouth's picture
Joined: 02/18/2009
MGoPoints: 2328

and to the poster who talked about the photogenic nature of another position coach I say...do we have any that look good in front of a camera? I guess Brady when he is pointing. Maybe Montgomery and Mallory, but that would be about it. The rest seem to be of the aged and balding variety...NTTAWWT.

December 15th, 2011 at 7:19 PM | We don't need no stinkin' (Score:1 Normal)
M-Dog
M-Dog's picture
Joined: 07/06/2008
MGoPoints: 6366

We don't need no stinkin' prettyboys.  We're MEN.  

Dirty, ugly, sweaty, smelly, (bald), MEN.  

YEAH!!!

 

M'Dog

December 16th, 2011 at 12:08 PM | (No subject) (Score:1)
M-Wolverine
M-Wolverine's picture
Joined: 10/04/2009
MGoPoints: 38797

"I love him, he's a great coach, he's a great mentor, he's a great friend. He's every single thing you want a college coach to be, and he does it flawlessly." -David Molk

December 15th, 2011 at 8:28 PM | The last thing we need is a (Score:5 Normal)
snarling wolverine
Joined: 12/14/2011
MGoPoints: 4699

The last thing we need is a photogenic staff.  GERG probably wasted countless hours per year doing his hair.  Mattison just puts on his cap and is ready to go.  Baldness = efficiency.

December 15th, 2011 at 4:35 PM | First the message board posts (Score:2 Normal)
bluebelle
bluebelle's picture
Joined: 11/28/2011
MGoPoints: 139

First the message board posts about 'A Modest Proposal' this morning and now a post with undertones of 'The Most Dangerous Game'... I feel like I'm back in 11th grade English and I LOVE IT.

December 15th, 2011 at 7:23 PM | He had never slept in a more (Score:2)
M-Dog
M-Dog's picture
Joined: 07/06/2008
MGoPoints: 6366

He had never slept in a more comfortable bed, Joe Bolden decided.

M'Dog

December 15th, 2011 at 4:36 PM | That was TREMENDOUS. (Score:2)
Hokester
Joined: 09/16/2011
MGoPoints: 67

That was TREMENDOUS.

Whatcha gonna do when Hokeamania runs wild on youuuuuuuuuuuu?

December 15th, 2011 at 4:37 PM | Still trying to picture Hoke saying "metaphorical" (Score:0 Offtopic)
December 15th, 2011 at 4:42 PM | Well.... (Score:2)
New Kid On The Blog
Joined: 07/02/2008
MGoPoints: 68

I love how Hoke's sentences all start with "Well,". It's a running joke in our house. Watch any interview with Hoke and count how many times he starts off with "well".

December 15th, 2011 at 5:46 PM | You are not alone.   (Score:4 Normal)
Michael Scarn
Michael Scarn's picture
Joined: 01/21/2011
MGoPoints: 1191

You are not alone.

 

December 15th, 2011 at 6:23 PM | Absolutely (Score:2 Normal)
GoWings2008
GoWings2008's picture
Joined: 01/26/2011
MGoPoints: 1453

LOVED the Tremendous thrown in the middle there.  

Well, that was tremendous.

The Team, The Team, The Team

December 15th, 2011 at 5:56 PM | I assume there is already a drinking game (Score:1)
WFBlue
WFBlue's picture
Joined: 10/03/2010
MGoPoints: 1769

please advise.

 
 

Time is working funny again. Greg Mattison has a phonebooth time machine he sent the secondary back to Charles Woodson's childhood in; they have emerged with ZZ Top beards, children, and skills.-BC

December 15th, 2011 at 4:45 PM | posted from iPhone (Score:2)
The FannMan
The FannMan's picture
Joined: 11/25/2008
MGoPoints: 1618

The best part is where Bolden says he's "in" with eating the still beating hearts of opposing RBs. I mean other than the Epic Hoke Double Point of Victory.

"Nobody cares what you think!"

December 15th, 2011 at 4:48 PM | This makes me miss the fake (Score:3 Normal)
SAvoodoo
SAvoodoo's picture
Joined: 01/10/2010
MGoPoints: 3239

This makes me miss the fake chat room diaries we had at one point.  I don't remember who wrote them but they were always fantastic.

December 15th, 2011 at 4:52 PM | I always thought Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer was underappreciated (Score:5 Normal)
pdgoblue25
pdgoblue25's picture
Joined: 03/03/2010
MGoPoints: 2639

R.I.P. Phil Hartman

Janeane Garofalo (Film Actors Guild): "As actors it is our responsibility to read the newspaper, and then say what we read on television like it's our opinion"

December 15th, 2011 at 6:24 PM | Your 3-3-5 defense scares and (Score:2 Normal)
GoWings2008
GoWings2008's picture
Joined: 01/26/2011
MGoPoints: 1453

Your 3-3-5 defense scares and confuses me...

The Team, The Team, The Team

December 15th, 2011 at 5:29 PM | What do they call a Jamaican Proctologist? (Score:3 Normal)
BigBlue62
BigBlue62's picture
Joined: 05/10/2011
MGoPoints: 141

A "Pokemon"!

December 15th, 2011 at 5:05 PM | Good cannibal - bad cannibal (Score:2 Normal)
TSWC
TSWC's picture
Joined: 09/08/2009
MGoPoints: 547

Did not see that quip coming. Top notch!

December 15th, 2011 at 5:17 PM | I swear for years any time I (Score:3 Normal)
Suspicious Brown
Joined: 10/20/2010
MGoPoints: 532

I swear for years any time I brought up the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer skit from SNL i was looked at like I was an alien. Thanks for being That Guy (not the Gruden variety) with me. 

December 16th, 2011 at 11:12 AM | Agreed (Score:2)
Magnum P.I.
Magnum P.I.'s picture
Joined: 07/16/2009
MGoPoints: 2746

My close friends from home and I will toss out a "I'm just a caveman," every once in a while, but it doesn't get you anywhere with a general audience. 

"There was a time I could have been mistaken for Burt Reynolds. I had a moustache and so did he. But he was the number one star in the world, so there wasn't really much confusion."

December 15th, 2011 at 5:20 PM | good caveman-bad caveman (Score:0)
December 15th, 2011 at 10:47 PM | Well... (Score:2)
Yeoman
Joined: 06/08/2011
MGoPoints: 2247

...I was starting to feel Mark Smith out there in the recruiting process with Joe Bolden, and what I mean by that is he's a football coach. He's unorthodox sometimes but he's a tremendous football coach and an example of him being a football coach is when he knifed in and tackled Joe's desire for raw meat. That's a football coach aggressively displaying his cannibalism and being physical at the point of attack....

December 16th, 2011 at 1:56 AM | Proposed Indexing Title for This Post (Score:2)
BlueDragon
BlueDragon's picture
Joined: 11/14/2010
MGoPoints: 16715

"Variations on a Theme by BHGP, by Brian Cook"

Abort, Retry, Fail?

Theme provided by Roopletheme; sidebars adapted from Chris Murphy.