Uh, is it August 31st yet?
to play football, not to play trumpet
Photoshop is a very dangerous tool if left in the wrong hands, which is why nobody should've ever let me get a copy of CS5. Seth's post this morning contained this nightmare-fuelish mashup of Jordan Kovacs and Ernest Shazor, his version of the Bill Walsh ideal strong safety:
Most people's instinct, upon seeing such a picture, is to turn and run and not stop running until they've reached a technological wilderness that makes it impossible to see said picture ever again. Because of my tenuous grasp on sanity, especially during the offseason, I decided instead to create a few more Frankenplayers. If these three rather horrifying creations ever donned the winged helmet, Michigan's offense would be unstoppable, albeit a bit strange-looking:
Denard Robinson and Tom Brady took wildly divergent paths to quarterback stardom. Denard's running exploits were the stuff of legend, while his passing left something to be desired, especially when he was out of the comfy confines of Rich Rodriguez's spread offense—one perfectly tailored to his strengths. Brady, meanwhile, was never fully appreciated during his time in Ann Arbor despite his pinpoint passing—only in retrospect, after multiple Super Bowls, was he fully acknowledged as an excellent college player. As a runner, though... he was a great pocket passer.
So what do you get when you jam Brady's upper body onto Denard's legs? (While, of course, still harnessing the power of the dreadlocks.) Only the most fearsome dual-threat quarterback in college football history, not to mention one charming franken-guy.
As a college running back, Mike Hart was just about everything you could ask for—productive and durable, coupling great vision and agility with surprising power and an inability to fumble. Despite lacking in top-end speed, Hart famously made the journey from three-star recruit to Michigan's all-time leading rusher.
Sam McGuffie, on the other hand, came in with a world of recruiting hype and plenty of athletic talent—his high school highlight tape featured him jumping over linebackers when he wasn't able to use his top-end speed to simply take the top off of the defense. Unlike Hart, McGuffie had the potential to be unstoppable in the open field. When it came to absorbing punishment, however, McGuffie fell short at Michigan, transferring to Rice after a disappointing and injury-plagued freshman season in 2008.
Stick McGuffie's legs (not pictured) onto Hart, though? Now we've got the production, durability, between-the-tackles running, and open field explosiveness no Michigan running back has possessed since Tyrone Wheatley. Do you want to claim Samichael McHart wouldn't front-flip over Will Gholston in the open field if given the chance? I thought not.
Jeremy Gallon emerged last season as Michigan's best wide receiver, proving especially productive when Devin Gardner took over at quarterback. The former high school option quarterback is both shifty and fast with good hands and explosive leaping ability. Unfortunately, he's also about 5'8", which limits his potential as a downfield threat.
Enter Tacopants, Jason Avant's 11-foot tall imaginary friend whose career high point was Chad Henne's inconsistent sophomore season. Combine him with Gallon, and, well—it's a giant wide receiver, guys, he's going to be pretty good.
In sum, it's barely May and I've already stooped to this for offseason content. I'm so sorry. Carry on.
Uh, is it August 31st yet?
Glad to see that today's workday has been rough on all of us.
but he did do this:
I've watched that clip 15 times and I still can't figure out how he did that.
Simple feint to the left, then juke to the right, with all the grace of a freshman high school running back. The execution here was mental, not physical. Urlacher probably figured Brady would surrender to the mismatch and slide to avoid contact. It's a perfectly logical assumption, and that's what Brady exploited. After all, if Brady tried that on every QB scramble he'd be forced into retirement ten years ago. The moral of the story is, some people are deadly at poker precisely because they'll bluff once a decade, when you least expect it, after you've unwittingly bet the farm.
Not that it'd happen anyway, but seeing this, I won't ever play poker with Tom Brady.
Tuesdays are such a piece of shit, man.
Will Gallon's clocking device still work if he were that tall?
Tacopants has managed to remain invisible for nearly a decade, so I think this should work out quite nicely, actually.
Shouldn't there be another WR pictured though? The greatest part of the tacopants legend is that they never managed to get a too many men penalty. I feel like this kind of advantage would really take the team over the top on offense.
Ugh. Time is a bitch, man.
. . . is awesome. Is it wrong that I laughed so hard at it?
but would have been even better to see a CB readying to jam tacopants off the line so the comparison is quite noticable. Great work, funny, just tossing in my 2 cents
Angry Jeremy Tacopants Hating God notes that Jeremy Tacopants's ACL is right about at the opposing players' shoulder pad level. This may end poorly for Jeremy Tacopants.
When my daughter was 3 yo, her shoulder was barely above my knee and I could take her out no problem. Jeremy Tacopants will be fine....
You pancaked your daughter when she was 3? Should I be calling CPS or something?
The other three hybrids have an element of implausible fantasy, but if Mike Hart and Sam McGuffie essentially combine into Tyrone Wheatley, then I'd rather just have Wheatley.
Tomnard Brobinson seems a little top heavy. Good if you're with a girl, bad if you're a dude.
HAHAHA I did this myself back in the early 90s. I was busy saving my money for a $20 lego so I was busy using crayolas.
You seemed to actually put some though into it, such as having all the same position top and bottom half.
I wish still I had them...my favorite frankenplayer was Desmond Skrepenak, which...yeah. Doesn't really make sense but I figured a guy that can run and catch like Des would be tougher if he was big like Skrep.
Do you think this is secretly what all Brady Hokes talk about genetics have been? Him and David Brandon have been working on gene splicing to develop the next generation of Michigan football players.
great stuff ace, now how about a Jandon Ryaham? Or Blarles Woodess?
To make Charles Woodson the perfect football player.
Brobinson back to pass, rolls out with that 4.3 speed, fires a 45-yard rope to Tacopants. Tacopants soars 15 feet in the air to make the catch! Did he fumble it?!? No! No, it is a lateral over his head to a leaping McHart! McHart jumps over Tacopants, grabs the ball while spinning past the safety into the endzone for a Michigan touchdown!
We'll have to wait for the XP because once again #77 Jakelor LeLong has decapitated a defensive end.
As Broyd Hokarr would say, "tremendous."
Can you make a hybrid of Tyler Ecker and whoever's brain will make him pitch it to Breaston?
Greatest 2-sport athlete in the history of collegiate athletics.
As someone who has never posted anything of actual value on this blog, this is hilarious. And I appreciate your risk taking.
Jeremy Tacopants - really excellent work.
Seems like Fred Jackson's evaluation of some 8th grader with skills.
I was laughing aloud at the Fred Jackson comment, clicked moderate to choose insightful or funny and accidentally moderated as 'off-topic'.
Apologies...but as mgomoderation has mgonoeffect on mogopoints...I hope you don't mind.
Funny stuff (your Fred Jackson comment, not my apology).
Now do one with superheroes!
I tried crossing the blocking power of Jake Long with the nasty hitting of Daydrion Taylor, and the looniness of Les Miles just to see what would happen. We were gonna call it a Taylor LesLong. Then the thing escaped my top secret lab in the Arizona desert, and was last seen riding a twosie bicycle in the direction of Ann Arbor.
"I tried crossing the blocking power of Jake Long with the nasty hitting of Daydrion Taylor, and the looniness of Les Miles just to see what would happen."
Um. . . David Molk is a real person.
You probably all know this, but Tom Brady scored what was up to that point the lowest 40 time for a QB in the history of the NFL combine.
It was beaten later that same day by Chris Redman of Louisville, and like twice again since.
His standing vertical was something historically bad, too.