Those Who Stay Will Probably Be Bacon
Michigan offensive linemen Taylor Lewan and Erik Gunderson brought home a pet pig yesterday, which is awesome and very much constitutes news in the dead of the college football offseason. It is apparently quite the accomplished pig, as they gave it the moniker "Dr. Hamlet III"—don't ask what happened to the first two, that's confidential information held only by Brady Hoke and his most trusted butcher.
This is the perfect match of pet and owners—all offensive linemen should be required to own literal hogs, really—but while Dr. Hamlet III is a strong name indeed, we believe the pig could use one with a Michigan-related twist. Thanks to Twitter and some highly important intra-office chat sessions, here are a few suggestions:
- The Honorable Boar Schembechler
- Babe Watson, Jr. (HT: @APHaseltine)
- Troy Woolpork*
- John U. Bacon
- Al Boarges (HT: @TheAuburner)
- Sir Mercury Glaze (HT: @zajareich)
- Glorious Hamfist Butterfield
- Desmond Hogward, M.D.
- Spam Sword**
- Elliott Squealer, DDS (HT: @sspillane05)
- Sty Streets, Esq. (HT: @SlipperyDers)
- Remy Hamilton
- Jake Pork Butt
- Carnitas Taco Charlton
- Jeff Babybackus IV
Brian Cook [1:18pm]
Vincent Smith with this clip:
"He... didn't make it" would've been the perfect call for the Clowney play if Mike Tirico had the world's greatest sense of humor.
Anyway, those are some pig names. Feel free to use them at your own discretion.
*This name almost certainly appeared in a past issue of Athlon without anybody noticing.
**Brian: "Also I think a craftable item in Dungeons of Dredmor." My boss, everyone.
I love it. I may adopt a pig just to use that name.
Sir Desmond Soward
Big Ten Championship.
Wait for it...
Justin Boar-En, The Wurst
Hameron "Ham" Gordon is really going to step up at SLB this year.
That Butterfield drop really was the father to the Breaston drop that preceded "TouchDOWN... MANNINGHAM"
Do you think he's got the chops to get on the field without redshirting?
i remeber watching a UM game at Illinois one year, it must have been the last 80's. the commentators were talking about how much illinois hated michigan that it was a crazy week on campus, maybe illinois was good then, jeff george and a bunch of dudes on D, mo gardner maybe. anyway, illinois hated michigan so much that they had a pig statue in the bookstore and whoever came up with the best name got to keep it and they named it (wait for it) :
i remember asking my dad about it during the game and if it made him mad. he shrugged.
where we clinched the Big Ten and it was "Pork Day" at Memorial Stadium.
Played for UM from 1903 to 1907
Fuck Boar. Although that doesn't sound as classy as Slocum's Fuck Lion.
They just legalized chickens a couple of years ago.
I assume so. One of my neighbors has a Vietnamese pot belly pig.
do you know what snitches get?
Alex Swineca, Jordan "Pulled" Porkscorz. I'll be here all week!
- Pigs are herd animals and have a pecking order similar to that of chickens. Each member of the herd has a particular standing in a pecking order and a pig will usually vie to be "top pig" in the herd. When raised in the house the family members will become the pig's herd. At around 18 months of age, the struggle for "top pig" will begin. To determine the order standing, pigs fight. They will charge their opponent, snapping and swinging their head. When the opponent is a family member or a guest that has come to visit, this can be quite dangerous. There is no approved rabies vaccine for a pig.
Good luck pig, you'll need it.
... It will break into your stomach, and leave you wishing you had more. Better call swine-1-1
The Rev. Horton Heat weighs in with a Loco Gringos cover - Nurture My Pig: Hey baby, I've got a pig! I've got a pig and it's pink and big.
for the good Reverend Heat.
Is this one of those pigs that stay small or is it going to get pretty damn big?
but Troy Pulledpork sounds almost delicious.
Huge skins fan here and I APPROVE THIS PICTURE/MESSAGE
Am I the only one concerned for the pig? Because I really doubt he did any research? And they're really smart and live for a long time? Just me?
What makes you "really doubt he did any research"? Unless you have a basis for making such a statement, it seems you're a bit out of line tossing that out there. Especially since Lewan has been a stand-up guy throughout his tenure at the university. And he's been in good academic standing. So I'm guessing that he's fully capable of doing an internet search and learning all about pig care prior to bringing one home.
I agree that pigs are often bought in haste without a knowledge of the commitment involved. But all evidence points toward being a responsible, if offbeat, guy.
He's going to be able to afford a house for just the pig nicer than yours or mine.
Hop in your car and go talk to them about it. I would begin with a really agressive demeanor while you are still on the porch just to be sure you have their attention.
Thanks. My demeanor wasn't aggressive, but I'd say yours was more than a little defensive. Always lovely talking to you gentlemen.
It's certainly possible he researched it. My concern lies mostly in the fact that soon nearly all of their time - and that's not an exaggeration - will be spent in class and at practice and games. You wouldn't get a dog in those conditions (well you might, but it wouldn't be fair to the dog), and a pig is arguably more work. I don't think it's an unfounded topic of conversation. I wanted to know if anyone shared those concerns. Apparently, the answer is no.
Pork n Vince Beans.....
MGoHog, in honor of the blog.
And Lloyd's spirit, raging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in this tunnel with a monarch's voice
Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the hogs of war,
That this foul team shall smell above the earth
With carrion Buckeyes, groaning for burial.
Not-yet Butch-ered Woolpork.
Hamthony Carter (or Tom Hamon)
Taylor Lewoink (or Steve Hutchinsoink)
Ok I'm done trying.
Pigs on the Winged Helmet
I never sausage bad puns before. I'd get involved myself, but It's snout my style.
PIGS IN SPACE, BITCHES, SPACE!
Rich Hog-riguez.....that is all