Mike Lantry, 1972
Career-enders coming fast and furious.
"Tonight we were reminded that Michigan is five years further down the road. Which means we have a long road ahead. The State Farm Center renovations start in a few hours and will run for three years. Let’s hope that when they’re complete, we’re Michigan."
unfortunate break for Boilers
hooray
especially not you, Adam Jacobi
Accurate.
The NCAA's 90% claim debunked.
" If the school asks about it, they are advised to send a cease and desist letter, which preserves the eligibility of the student-athletes. SI ignores the letter and we all go on about our business."
"Are yiz ... are yiz Davie Corner?" he asked disbelievingly. Corner confirmed he was. The man dropped the sword and offered his hands to be cuffed.
this is correct
oh man
We're pretty much Texas: "That's the reason we follow these teams. So that we can drive revenue maximization for an enterprise that takes us for granted."
sigh
MSU shouldn't have spent the offseason eating donuts maybe
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Inspired by A UConn version of this list spawned by this t-shirt:
![LEVELdogTEE-2_medium_medium[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/LEVELdogTEE-2_medium_medium1.jpg "LEVELdogTEE-2_medium_medium[1]")
I trawled the M-Den's website for the most ridiculous things you could own with a block M on them.
HONORABLE MENTION: A road version of the UTL jerseys that Michigan has never worn and does not even have the big central block M that was the main distinguishing feature of the UTL jerseys. A lace garter so that you won't "let your Michigan pride go by the wayside on your wedding day." A tie-dye tee. A pumpkin. A stuffed alligator(?!). Creepy pillow pet.
![3324[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/33241.jpg "3324[1]")
It's the mascot of a television station that does not televise college football. Only this low on the list because they did a really good job with their futuristic robot winged helmet and it might transform into a car.
RECOMMENDED FOR: People who still think "Fringe" was a good idea.
![5627[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/56271.jpg "5627[1]")
Pet's first University of Michigan Cheerleader Dress? You aren't content with being able to humiliate the dog—try to get a cat in this and you will end up with a handful of fur and blood—at all times other than when you are washing its college-themed cheerleader outfit. You need to have a backup Pet Cheerleader Dress for your squeaky little pretend husband in case there is a Pet Cheerleader Dress-related emergency. You know the dog is male. You don't even care.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Terrible, terrible people. Hitler had a dog. He never put it in a Pet Cheerleader Dress.
![AD1107[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/AD11071.jpg "AD1107[1]")
The UConn version this had a shocking amount of tie-dye. Michigan has stayed away from most laughable fashion mishaps, but cannot escape the state's large number of hunters. So here's a camo t-shirt for wearing under six other layers of clothing when you go hunting in the winter… or for wearing to the Wal-Mart. You're just wearing this to Wal-Mart, aren't you? Nobody hunts in t-shirts.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Men whose trucks feature decals of Calvin pissing on a rival truck brand. Michigan State fans making parody videos.
![3567[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/35671.jpg "3567[1]")
Very few Michigan-branded pieces of crap make any attempt to make their product actually look like a wolverine. Instead we get a steady stream of squirrels and bears and dogs. Usually the dogs aren't sent from another planet to use their super powers to fight crime on the golf course, though.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Superhero leagues short on cute animals or telepathy. Golfers who need a little telekinetic help for their slice.
![2876[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/28761.jpg "2876[1]")
As a diehard Michigan fan who is hard to shop for, I have acquired a spectacular amount of block-M-emblazoned crap I hide deep in a closet over the years, and these flabbergast even me.
This company must specialize in samzidat ways of expressing your loyalty to a particular college team. Stockdale: when your deep-cover Soviet infiltration mission is cramping your ability to express your college sports fandom. Other products in their line include subdermal block-M tattoos, Jim Brandstatter books encrypted so that they look like 1950s-era Russian novels*, and vodka made from potatoes cut into block Ms before fermentation.
*[Conveniently, the only modification needed was a search and replace from "Schembechler" to "Stalin".]
RECOMMENDED FOR: Valve stem enthusiasts. People you secretly hate and feel may be vulnerable to "what's the point of anything" existential paralysis upon considering these.
![6551[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/65511.jpg "6551[1]")
Some things on this list are products sane people own pointlessly branded with college logos. This is not one of those things. It's a face you put on a tree. This face you put on a tree comes with a faux Michigan hat… that you put on a tree.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Crazy old bats who already have an army of tiny plastic deer in the yard. The criminally insane. Lonely ents.
Twenty bucks. Horrifyingly, they are out of stock.
![FLAMINGO[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/FLAMINGO1.jpg "FLAMINGO[1]")
The guy writing the copy on this isn't even pretending to try:
These Michigan Wolverines FlaminGO Fans make a great gift for that sports fan who has all of the ''Normal'' fan gear. A classic American icon with a new twist! Support your Wolverines in tacky style!!
Sincerely, Lane Pryce.
RECOMMENDED FOR: People who thought the tree face was a good idea.
![4069[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/40691.jpg "4069[1]")
It's literally just chili powder:
Ingredients: Sun dried ground chili peppers, cumin, beef flavor, onion powder, garlic powder, chicken flavor, oregano, cayenne pepper, black pepper, habanero and jalapeno peppers.
No blue dye or anything. At least with bags of stuff or ketchup or whatever you get the effect of eating out of the Michigan theme container. Here you put the stuff in the chili the night before and leave the jar at home.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Nobody. This is the most pointless Michigan-themed product possible. Michigan-themed nothing is less pointless than this. A jar of nothing.
A cool two hundred smackaroos. Incredibly, also out of stock.
![7045[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/70451.jpg "7045[1]")
The chime rang and the Estonian stood, sliding down the ramp to his destiny. His destiny would be 8th place or something. Wallace the Wolverine's was far less certain.
Wallace had a moment to consider the series of bad decisions that had led him, a proud and noble wolverine from Saskatchewan, to this place, a B-list ski jump event in Switzerland. He'd never even been to Fiji, and yet here he was, Fijan passport stapled to his fur, planks strapped to his feet, staring down at a 70-foot drop that flared up at the end. If only he'd… no time for that now. The chime.
"FOR FIIIIIIIIIIJJJIIIIIIIIIIIII…"
RECOMMENDED FOR: Animal ski-jump sadism fiction enthusiasts.
![1552[1]](http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/images/The-Ten-Most-Embarrassing-Michigan-Items_B538/15521.jpg "1552[1]")
One: it's not a wolverine. It's a flying squirrel. A flying squirrel wearing a futuristic helmet. Absolutely no attempt has been made to make this thing look like a wolverine. Two: given the configuration of these things you are inviting your child to slice open your favorite school's mascot and sleep inside it like it's a taun-taun, guaranteeing months of intestine-themed nightmares.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Parents who hate their children, want them to have an advanced understanding of the alimentary tract, or enjoy being woken up by cries of "OH GOD IT'S DIGESTING ME DADDY." Also pervs.
I am not at all ashamed to admit that we have the Michigan Cheerleader outfit for my wife's female Jack Russell Terrier. She is adorable in that thing.
It may help that when I first met my wife, she was an MSU fan. Part of the appeal of her dog wearing an M cheerleader outfit may lie in the constant reminder that I did such a good job converting her.
I would not be surprised if that dog bites you at some point - or runs away from home.
I'm sure the dog would do both.
even a Michigan cheerleader outfit on a dog is bad - I mean we are talking about man's best friend... why would anyone do such a thing? Get the dog a UM licensed collar, fergodsakes
My male Black Lab has the licensed collar and is named after one Glenn E. Schembechler. So I have both bases covered.
You guys are right though, the JRT hates wearing the cheerleader outfit. Or any kind of clothing, really.
The tree dude..my Mother's sense of humor--and running out of Michigan things to buy me, combined with 8 year old children, and YES..It is hanging in my yard.
Honestly, the skiing wolverines looks kind of awesome, beyond the fact that he looks like he is taking a #2 while falling to his untimely death.
and I also have this ridiculous looking bean thing that is a Santa thing, with his legs spread, intented to be placed in front of a door to keep the cold draft out. Santa head, dressed in a white thing with "Michigan" and "M' all over it randomly. It didn't make the list but if Brian had seen it, it would...
again, thank you, Mom.
I'd wear that Michigan camo shirt in a heart beat, if nothing else to piss off elitists.
people with the ability to see, or if not, seeing eye dogs of said people... I think you could offend a far larger group than you are giving yourself credit for.
for making my work day infinitely better with this post.
If I tried to put item #9 on my cat, Bella, I would have bloody stumps where my hands were. Never push your luck with an orange tabby.
But I confess. . . .kinda dig the maize and blue flamingos. Paint the winged helmet design on the blue one and you have a value-added product.
Fringe was a good idea and still is. I think it is the second best show on TV after Justified.
a bunch of the valve caps. Ill take them to down to Ohio in November and put them on cars all over town.
Don't forget the superglue . . . .
I would be more than happy to help fund this project, and maybe we can get another funding effort (similar to Hail to the Victors Magazine) to assist. Heck, I'd even help out in...shall we say....distribution.
Oh my gosh, this is glorious. The ski-jumping wolverine statue kills me. Thanks for cracking me up on a stressful day... even if I'm going to have nightmares about telepathic bears and flying squirrel suits tonight, totally worth it!
about the terrified ski-jumping wolverine and description thereof, which is straight out of the J. Peterman catalog, it would seem.
We need to see Wallace the Wolverine again from time to time, at moments of nervousness among the MGoCitzens, e.g., eve of the Alabama game.
FOR FIIIIIIIIIIJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIII
I really want the valve stem caps. I'm not even ashamed of my desire.
These items are too great to not have.
Excellent post.
11 year olds, I totally get the piles of M emblazoned gear. However, so far it has gone well. Several mugs, pint glasses, message board, a ton of Christmas ornaments, shirts, pictures, and the coup de gras..... A LOCKER. No valve stem caps or ski jumping wolverines, however my career is still young.
I havent cried in a while. Thank you Brian for that emotional release.
Is it bad that I kind of like that little wolverine statue?
I am not all that appalled with some of these. I absolutely have no issues with the garter listed in your HM. I have a hard time believeing that there is a male member of this blog who wouldn't appreciate their wife hiking up their dress to unveil one of those on their wedding night.
I have been gifted Michigan clothing (omg hats!) that puts your list to shame.
Lane Pryce, you will be sincerely missed.
. . .or does the ski jumping Wolverine look like he is about to be the victim of a horrible sex crime?
Im definitely getting one of those...
surprised this toaster hasnt been mentioned by anyone yet haha
http://www.mden.com/shopping/product.cgi?6395+1029
im honestly thinking about getting this for my apartment
That's not that embarassing. (Does it really make toast with the M darker like that?)
i have one of those somewhere, but i don't think it's that one, exactly. hooray wedding gifts.
Damn...I love my school.
<---Look immediately left.
I had to look up what samzidat meant. Brian, you spelled it wrong (at least according to wikipedia, it's Samizdat).
This was one of the great attempted comedy posts in a long time. Bravo.
So I guess off-season does have its benefits. This post won the internet today. I hope everyone realizes this. And basks in the insane good fortune that we have Brian monitoring preposterous M-themed tchochkes (the previews, game columns, UFR's, and thought pieces are cool, too).
There's this:
...and then there's this:
Yikes!
Wallace was a ski-jumping bear?
Brian, you outdid yourself with this post. Thank you for making me cry with laughter at work on a dreary Monday in the Northwest. Kudos, my man. This is a phenominal post and the comments are equally awesome. It's great to be a Michigan Wolverine, even in it's most questionable forms.
Must have the M valve stems for the cars and the garter for my wife!
The chime rang and the Estonian stood, sliding down the ramp to his destiny. His destiny would be 8th place or something.
I have no idea why this is making me giggle so much... not to the extent of the Raptor mascot gif, but close.
It is a basically inoffensive little item, unless allowed into the wrong hands. Whereupon the fun-lovin' boys at Eleven Warriors enshrined this very photo on their website for about two years:
Available at Underground Printing Campus Apparel, I highly recommend pairing this with a pair of M-themed Zumbas then showing up to train Barwis Methods:
I was so pumped up after the notre dame game that I ordered an under the lights jersey... ive worn it about twice
Great job Brian; glad I waited till I got home to log on; the office would have thought I had finally lost it and called security.
I guess this would be a bad time to show that picture of me training for the BTN 10k in my maize and blue jumpsuit.
The perfect time.
at the M themed tree face long enough... it looks a lot like Dantonio.
This is pretty funny.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/36424025/university-of-michigan-toilet-seat-and
But this is more fitting.
http://www.amazon.com/Seat-Socks-5-Ohio-State/dp/B000CPYW5M
would be optimal if I could get the Ohio logo installed on the bottom of the toilet. That would be epic.
We definitely had a Michigan toilet seat growing up that said "Flush twice - it's a long way to Columbus".
I will be removing one of those this Friday. Your wedding day is the perfect day to express your deepest love... which is a tie between your bride and Michigan football.
As a gift I was given a set of Michigan sauces once. It included a salsa, BBQ sauce, and a hot sauce in Michigan labeled glass jars. Sat around for years until I dumped the contents and now I still don't know where the jars are.
