I have the Fox robot figure (got it from my mom for Christmas) and I like Fringe. Eerie...
mesmerism! presidential assassinations! circuses on fire!
Inspired by A UConn version of this list spawned by this t-shirt:
I trawled the M-Den's website for the most ridiculous things you could own with a block M on them.
HONORABLE MENTION: A road version of the UTL jerseys that Michigan has never worn and does not even have the big central block M that was the main distinguishing feature of the UTL jerseys. A lace garter so that you won't "let your Michigan pride go by the wayside on your wedding day." A tie-dye tee. A pumpkin. A stuffed alligator(?!). Creepy pillow pet.
It's the mascot of a television station that does not televise college football. Only this low on the list because they did a really good job with their futuristic robot winged helmet and it might transform into a car.
RECOMMENDED FOR: People who still think "Fringe" was a good idea.
Pet's first University of Michigan Cheerleader Dress? You aren't content with being able to humiliate the dog—try to get a cat in this and you will end up with a handful of fur and blood—at all times other than when you are washing its college-themed cheerleader outfit. You need to have a backup Pet Cheerleader Dress for your squeaky little pretend husband in case there is a Pet Cheerleader Dress-related emergency. You know the dog is male. You don't even care.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Terrible, terrible people. Hitler had a dog. He never put it in a Pet Cheerleader Dress.
The UConn version this had a shocking amount of tie-dye. Michigan has stayed away from most laughable fashion mishaps, but cannot escape the state's large number of hunters. So here's a camo t-shirt for wearing under six other layers of clothing when you go hunting in the winter… or for wearing to the Wal-Mart. You're just wearing this to Wal-Mart, aren't you? Nobody hunts in t-shirts.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Men whose trucks feature decals of Calvin pissing on a rival truck brand. Michigan State fans making parody videos.
Very few Michigan-branded pieces of crap make any attempt to make their product actually look like a wolverine. Instead we get a steady stream of squirrels and bears and dogs. Usually the dogs aren't sent from another planet to use their super powers to fight crime on the golf course, though.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Superhero leagues short on cute animals or telepathy. Golfers who need a little telekinetic help for their slice.
As a diehard Michigan fan who is hard to shop for, I have acquired a spectacular amount of block-M-emblazoned crap I hide deep in a closet over the years, and these flabbergast even me.
This company must specialize in samzidat ways of expressing your loyalty to a particular college team. Stockdale: when your deep-cover Soviet infiltration mission is cramping your ability to express your college sports fandom. Other products in their line include subdermal block-M tattoos, Jim Brandstatter books encrypted so that they look like 1950s-era Russian novels*, and vodka made from potatoes cut into block Ms before fermentation.
*[Conveniently, the only modification needed was a search and replace from "Schembechler" to "Stalin".]
RECOMMENDED FOR: Valve stem enthusiasts. People you secretly hate and feel may be vulnerable to "what's the point of anything" existential paralysis upon considering these.
Some things on this list are products sane people own pointlessly branded with college logos. This is not one of those things. It's a face you put on a tree. This face you put on a tree comes with a faux Michigan hat… that you put on a tree.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Crazy old bats who already have an army of tiny plastic deer in the yard. The criminally insane. Lonely ents.
Twenty bucks. Horrifyingly, they are out of stock.
The guy writing the copy on this isn't even pretending to try:
These Michigan Wolverines FlaminGO Fans make a great gift for that sports fan who has all of the ''Normal'' fan gear. A classic American icon with a new twist! Support your Wolverines in tacky style!!
Sincerely, Lane Pryce.
RECOMMENDED FOR: People who thought the tree face was a good idea.
It's literally just chili powder:
Ingredients: Sun dried ground chili peppers, cumin, beef flavor, onion powder, garlic powder, chicken flavor, oregano, cayenne pepper, black pepper, habanero and jalapeno peppers.
No blue dye or anything. At least with bags of stuff or ketchup or whatever you get the effect of eating out of the Michigan theme container. Here you put the stuff in the chili the night before and leave the jar at home.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Nobody. This is the most pointless Michigan-themed product possible. Michigan-themed nothing is less pointless than this. A jar of nothing.
A cool two hundred smackaroos. Incredibly, also out of stock.
The chime rang and the Estonian stood, sliding down the ramp to his destiny. His destiny would be 8th place or something. Wallace the Wolverine's was far less certain.
Wallace had a moment to consider the series of bad decisions that had led him, a proud and noble wolverine from Saskatchewan, to this place, a B-list ski jump event in Switzerland. He'd never even been to Fiji, and yet here he was, Fijan passport stapled to his fur, planks strapped to his feet, staring down at a 70-foot drop that flared up at the end. If only he'd… no time for that now. The chime.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Animal ski-jump sadism fiction enthusiasts.
One: it's not a wolverine. It's a flying squirrel. A flying squirrel wearing a futuristic helmet. Absolutely no attempt has been made to make this thing look like a wolverine. Two: given the configuration of these things you are inviting your child to slice open your favorite school's mascot and sleep inside it like it's a taun-taun, guaranteeing months of intestine-themed nightmares.
RECOMMENDED FOR: Parents who hate their children, want them to have an advanced understanding of the alimentary tract, or enjoy being woken up by cries of "OH GOD IT'S DIGESTING ME DADDY." Also pervs.
I have the Fox robot figure (got it from my mom for Christmas) and I like Fringe. Eerie...
They're actually the home of the Big Ten Championship Game. So it's ok now. Really.
Is that not the jersey they wore at the Michigan State game?
that is the jersey we wore during the trash tornado. I wonder if Brian was just trying to pretend that never happened.
Shouldn't anything on this list, with the following description:
"This is the most pointless Michigan-themed product possible. Michigan-themed nothing is less pointless than this. A jar of nothing."
....be #1 on said list?
Edit: Reading is fundamental. Most EMBARASSING items....not the most pointless. Truly, the sleeping bag is the most embarassing. I withdraw my question.
The creepy pillow pet (honorable mention) was given to me as a Christmas gift along with a Michigan Snuggie. Both are amazingly soft and comfy, and yet I will not be caught dead with either of them outside my house.
My 10 month old daughter loves the pillow pet. It is very soft and easy for her to grab and play with.
Completely ruins the ability to make any comment on the second sentence.
I actually went back and added the 10 month thing after I typed it and then read it. I figured it was only a matter of time before someone added this.
My dad always told me dirty minds think alike.
Though when it's inappropriate you can always leave it to the reader to make their own joke.
your post has my ribs hurting with laughter.
8-O...... Mind blink..........Throw in the trash and leave it there.......
I wore the Michigan snuggie to a game last year, and people were damn jealous because I was pretty warm while they were cold. The one problem with the snuggie is that it tends to slip off your shoulders, so you have to tie it in the back for ease of use making it look like a backwards bathrobe. I strongly suggest wearing snuggies to chilly Michigan games in the future.
Agreed. I am wearing a completely maize something until instructed otherwise.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE JOKING - WHO WOULD WEAR THAT AT ALL, MUCH LESS IN PUBLIC!!!
If serious, you must be condemned to a place worse than hell... like East Lansing or Columbus.
And if you are serious, did your beloved snuggie have a poop chute, to facilitate your trips to the Big House restrooms?
Dead serious. Wore it to a game last year, don't even remember which one. Unimportant game, and I was relatively lazy, and thought it would be very comfortable. And it was, I would suggest all of you try it. I'm not ashamed of it, comfort before looking good. And the greatness about the snuggie is that it is open in the back so you don't even need to take it off to go to the bathroom, but obviously I won't take the snuggie into a BIg House bathroom. Let's not be disgusting here.
Unfortunately, I just moved away from AA, otherwise I would have looked forward to spotting you in the crowd, replete in your Michigan snuggie, on game days... apparently my loss - I will, however, search you out on game broadcasts.
YAY! I got new Waldo to look at in the Big House!
But I still can't help but think that snuggies are for people who are too dumb to wrap themselves in blankets.
Also, the lace garter is not embarrassing. I am proud to have made my wife wear a different Michigan lace garter (something blue!) on our wedding day.
I've always thought that I would respectfully request my future bride to do the same. If she's my kind of gal, she'll understand. Hell, I hope (hypothetical) future bride is my kind of gal.
I definitely wore a Michigan garter for my wedding - had to represent somehow!
In my day, no man would wear this. Maybe a woman, but no self-respecting man. However, I realize that the times are changing.
Didn't ask me, but avid snuggie wearer, this guy. Then again, I have no self-respect so your theory is still untested.
Protip: Wear it backwards. Yes, that makes it essentially a bathrobe with blanket fabric.
Yes, that makes it significantly more functional.
Ha! That thing is awesome! Look kids, just rip out the squirrel's intestines, and climb in!
Kids, carefully activate your light saber. Deftly slice the wolverine squirrel open and allow for this entrails to fall out. Profit.
On the OUTSIDE....
Personally, I'm not horrified by the tree face thing so much as confused. No, really. I just am sitting here looking at it, and I still don't get it. I keep thinking that if I look again, it will somehow make sense to me, but no . . .
I think Brian nailed it with the 'Lonely Ents' comment. Priceless, will have me chuckiling for the rest of the day.
Personally, I think the tree face is the most embarrasing on the list, possibly saved from the top spot by the remote possibility that it is actually a dadaist artwork and, thus, not embarrasing at all. (Or, at least, embarrassing in a very different way, like seeing your grandmother's reaction when she comes across a Duchamp in a museum after looking at a bunch of Monet's.)
I would so love to put a set of those bad-azz sukka's on my 22's!
If you're going to get a sleeping bag that reminds you of a taun taun, might as well go with the real thing.
I have this. It freaks my kids out.
Is a lightsaber, so you can slice open it's guts before bedtime. How come I don't have one of these?
This is awesome!
It needs a warning though.... Warning, this will repel females
FYI, the design on the inner lining of that thing?
What if the Taun Taun was wearing a winged helmet and had a block M?
I'd buy that. (get on this, Marketing MBA interns that DB has hired)
I think the maize and blue flamingos are hilairously awesome. I would totally buy them if I had money to toss around on pointless things.
Ditto. I think the copywriter nailed it, too: if you're trying to be purposefully tacky, these are the most awesome thing ever. They're only embarrassing if you put them on your lawn in earnest.
I've seen them while tailgating at AAG&C multiple times and they are pretty funny. Putting them in your yard is another story.
A couple roommates of mine at Michigan used to buy a tacky anonymous gift or two for weddings. Seeing Seth's wedding pics here a couple months ago makes me think that would have been in order with some of this tacky Michigan memorabilia. And so far, I haven't seen any comments on the garters. Am surprised someone hasn't photoshopped the Michigan themed garter onto a gif of Kate Upton.
I tried to buy these about 6 months ago for a M-fan friend who we had nicknamed "The Flamingo" because he is 6'6 and bird-like. I was very disappointed they were out of stock then, and continue to be disappointed they are out of stock now.
OMFG . . . Michigan Flamingos!!! Beyond awesome.
I would absolutely put them in my yard on football Saturdays, if nothing else then just to get my wife to flip out.
Someone also needs to put them prominently on stage at every Killer Flamingos concert at the Cavern.
Sorry but I don't see why the tree face is considered embarassing.
You, like me, have not forsaken the old gods for the new gods. Winter is coming.
The Red Priestess is easier on the eyes, even if she lacks the tradition.
Also I'm not sure why the Starks are so concerned over Winter, it isn't like any of them are going to live to see it at the rate they're going.
Maybe they're from the SEC.