Sympathy For The Devil Comment Count

Brian

Indoor soccer leagues are not particularly good about keeping things balanced. We were getting the shit kicked out of us because we were all 30 and out of shape and these kids were in high school. Since they were in high school, they were dicks. I'd just about gotten fed up when their goalie started making forays up the field in an attempt to score. Repeatedly. Just rubbing it in.

I started tracking him the next time he did it, with every intention of cleaning him out. As I reached him, he passed the ball. My fate was sealed anyway.

Without any semi-legal means of letting this guy have it, I punched him in the face. 30 seconds of rolling around later, my glasses were in tatters and I'd gotten a healthy suspension from an amateur indoor soccer league I didn't care very much about.

This is not at all what Frank Clark did. I am not drawing any sort of equivalence between the two events.

But I have been there, in the place where part of your brain that says "maybe we should think about this" is overwhelmed by a need for violence. I understand that many—too many—people come at this from the perspective of someone who has experienced or knows someone who has experienced the other end. That is valid. Of course it is. I come at it from the other end. I am a relatively normal person with a nice life, and there but for the grace of God and wife go I.

I struggle to say the appropriate things here because I think the idea of "thoughts" going out to the victims of such things is condescending at best. If you're ever in a position to help a person in that situation do it and if you're not then don't puff yourself up about how roundly you condemn such behavior. I don't see a whole lot of difference between people with the gall to blame the victim and those loudly proclaiming Clark a miserable waste of atoms.

This gets on my nerves because it's a quick leap from pointless moralizing to dismissing a guy forever as only that one thing in that one moment. I saw this picture and it took the wind out of me.

Screen_Shot_2014-11-16_at_9.54.45_PM[1][2]

"Clark refused to look at the camera at the Perkins police station"

What did I do?

"Look at the camera."

That's not who I am.

"Look at the camera."

I thought I had left this behind.

Click.

Maybe Frank Clark's a bad guy. Or maybe one of the assholes waving him goodbye in the comments to make themselves feel better about themselves would have made the same screwup in the same situation, bottle-deep in a miserable football season after literally living a feral existence on the streets of Los Angeles for most of his youth.

It's not acceptable; Michigan had to make the decision it made. For once the program managed to handle something right. There have to be severe societal punishments for these things, and Clark's going through that.

He's got a choice now. He can be a guy that this happened to once, and he put it all away and forced all of that down as best he could and it never happened again. Or he can let it recur, and be the guy the internet says he is now. It's up to him. I don't know which way it will go, and that photo suggests he doesn't either.

I hope he makes it, and feel badly for him. Yes, as the perpetrator of a terrible thing. Yes. It is possible to be a bad person in a moment because you are wired to be angry, a wiring that comes easily when you've experienced way too much fear growing up. How many people are shitty all the time without tripping a line like Clark did?

It is heartbreaking for Frank Clark to almost make it. You should feel that part of this too.

Comments

KRK

November 18th, 2014 at 9:29 AM ^

I agree with some of what you're saying but if you're not a doctor directly treating someone please don't make a diagnosis of them on a message board. A lot of people cite an abusive situation from their life and say that this is the same thing and it's not. It's a unique situation just like everyone's abuse story is unique. Their all tragic as well. But let's not make a diagnosis and act like we know anything definitive about Frank Clark's psychological makeup.




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Nitro

November 18th, 2014 at 9:52 AM ^

Dude, don't tell me what to do on a message board.  And, seriously guy, he beat the snot out of his girlfriend, punching her face, chokeslamming her, and ramming her head into the wall -- you're saying there's a reasonable explanation for that?!?  That it was probably just an isolated incident?!?  Really?!?  I mean, really?!?!?  Good lord.  There has to be some official diagnosis issued before someone can comment on the obvious on an internet message board?  Who writes these rules and where I can I find them so I know what I'm allowed to do?

Also, see victoriaed90's post below. 

KRK

November 18th, 2014 at 10:12 AM ^

I said I agreed with a lot of what you're saying. I also think it's good to have discussions about topics like this whether they be in person or on a message board because it brings awareness. I just don't think it does any good to cite things as fact when it's really an opinion or in this case to give a diagnosis when you're not the doctor treating someone. I'm not saying there's a reasonable explanation for any of this but I also don't know all of the facts behind Franks mental makeup.




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Nitro

November 18th, 2014 at 11:39 AM ^

I understand what you're saying, and I apologize for being flippant in my response above, but there's enough here to bring this beyond the point of doubt.  It's sort of like watching that Duke/Louisville tourney game from a couple years back on TV -- you don't need to be the doctor that treated Kevin Ware to be confident that he broke his leg.  It's what it is on its face.

Nitro

November 18th, 2014 at 9:30 AM ^

And if you're winded by Clark's crocodile tears (and, trust me, that's exactly what that is in that picture), and not the gash on that woman's face or the broken lamp, you really, really don't get it.

victoriaed90

November 18th, 2014 at 9:42 AM ^

This wasn’t a mistake that happened because he was drunk. I do crisis intervention of survivors of domestic violence and I’ve observed several hours of a local counseling program for perpetrators of DV so I know how this works and this type of violence doesn’t go 0 to 60. I guarantee you this is not the first time he has struck that young woman nor will it be the last should she choose to stay with him.

The fact that he was comfortable doing this in front of her family in a location where someone else could easily hear means he’s done this enough to feel safe in what he is doing. I read the police report as well and both of their statements reflect a textbook abusive relationship.

Yes, his early life was tragic and you can certainly feel sympathy for all the hardship he suffered but I’m really tired of people mourning what abusers lose when they finally get caught. 

KRK

November 18th, 2014 at 10:02 AM ^

Please don't be the person who states a fact when it's really just a guess. You can bring up your background to give your opinion more credibility but don't state a fact in a legal case where you have no idea if it's a fact. Has he hit her before? We don't know so don't act as though you do. That does no one any good. Stating opinions as actual opinions is a much better idea.




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victoriaed90

November 18th, 2014 at 10:33 AM ^

Is it possible this is the very first time he’s ever laid his hands on her? Sure, there are a lot of things that are possible. It’s also possible Hoke will keep his job at the end of the year. But all of the evidence gathered by people who know what they’re talking about points to quite the opposite.

My post has nothing to do with a legal case. I'm not submitting an affidavit here. The police aren’t going to go through a message board and say, well this random poster says this is true so it must be! Throw the book at him! We’re not in a court of law where things need to be proven beyond any doubt. 

I know how cycles of violence work. I understand how abusers and victims react to situations involving police and both of their statements were textbook examples of how abusers talk to police and how victims talk to police. I’ve spoken with women after they’ve been struck for the first time and I’ve spoken with women after they’ve been struck for the fiftieth time. The likelihood of this being a first instance of abuse is so incredibly small that I am very comfortable with exactly what was stated in my previous post. You certainly don’t have to take my word for it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you can believe in that small possibility instead, but I know what I’m talking about and all of my experience points to it being true that he has struck her before and I firmly believe he will strike her again if their relationship continues.

KRK

November 18th, 2014 at 11:10 AM ^

That was a really great response and I appreciate that.  I re-read mine and the first part came across as condescending so thanks for not  blowing up on me about that.  You may be right about this not being the first time I just feel it's such a serious thing that it's dangerous to state that he's done this before.  Every situation of abuse seems so unique in terms of the demographics of the people involved but I know, as do you, that there are patterns in how and why they happen.  When you mention the reactions of first-time victims and and victims who this has happened to before what tips you off to tell you which is which?

victoriaed90

November 18th, 2014 at 12:14 PM ^

I understand why you might feel it’s dangerous to say he’s done this before. It can be a hard to thing to label someone an abuser and we as a society reeeeally don’t like doing that. The problem is that by giving an abuser the benefit of the doubt we end up supporting a status quo where the effects of abuse are minimized and victims are forgotten because it’s easier to say “well it can’t be that bad because she’s still there” and brush it off as not our problem than it is to say “wow this guy I know who seems like a good dude is actually being abusive and I have a duty to support the victim” because that’s actually really difficult, especially when it’s someone we know and like or someone who has had a rough life and we’re rooting for him to succeed.

Definitely the demographics vary. DV affects all races, classes, and genders (though it’s primarily men abusing women). The reasons people abuse can vary, but it ultimately boils down to maintaining power and control.

As far as how victims and abusers react, abusers never take responsibility for their actions. Clark saying I didn’t hit her. She has fits. She might be pregnant. All that is designed to obfuscate.  Denying he laid a hand on her despite all the evidence to the contrary is the hallmark of an abuser. That’s basically what every report I get says. On the other end, victims have a tendency to take too much responsibility. They’ll own up to everything they did and say that it was their fault. She said she was short tempered, she started the fight, she bit him, etc. She focused on what she did instead of what he did.

The first time someone is hit it’s usually I didn’t think he would ever do that. This has never happened before. We fight but he’s never laid a hand on me. When it’s been going on for a while, it’s oh I upset him. He never does this when he’s sober. I don’t want to press charges. It’s fine.

It’s also about a pattern of escalation. Like I said in my original post, DV doesn’t go from 0 to 60 overnight or no one would stay in those relationships. The first time he probably yelled and got in your face. Then maybe he pushed you a little. Then he grabbed your arm too hard. Then he slapped you. Then he punched you. Then he choked you. For someone to jump from no previous abuse to choking is EXTREMELY unlikely and in fact, strangulation is such a serious and deadly issue that in 2013 there was a new law in Michigan (or at least Washtenaw county) that  makes DV with strangulation a felony charge.

I’m sorry that was such a huge wall of text, I’ve always been pretty wordy, but I hope that helps explain things better.

victoriaed90

November 18th, 2014 at 3:02 PM ^

I think thats definitely a possiblity. I know the murder-suicide with the NFL player a while back definitely made a lot of people think harder about the effects of concussions and I imagine that brain damage like that could make you lose some of your impulse control so if you’re already predispositioned to violence, then maybe you’re more likely to be abusive towards your partners. It’s certainly something to consider and something I wish we had more data on. Are football players more likely to abuse their partners than the general population? Unfortunately, domestic violence/intimate partner abuse is so rarely reported that it’s hard to get good numbers on stuff like that. I vaguely recall reading somewhere that arrest rates for domestic violence among NFL players is lower than the national average, but I think you can make an argument that their position in society leads them to be less likely to be arrested for anything. In addition, that power and wealth would also make it very difficult for their partners to call the police to begin with.

There’s also a huge link between hypermasculinity and violence and hypermasculinity is a big thing with football, obviously. They push the stereotypically male attributes like strength and aggression and when you have that culture, I think you end up with more violence (against women and more generally) because that aggression doesn’t always just go away once you’re off the field.

Jackson Katz made a really good documentary called Tough Guise where he talks about the link between hyper masculinity and violence and how the performance of masculinity is done through violence. If you want to check it out it’s got a lot of really good, current data/statistics (they released an updated version last year-ish) that I just don’t know off the top of my head.

PeteM

November 18th, 2014 at 7:27 PM ^

I think Brian's sympathy is not meant to diminish the severity of the act but to say that there's something sad about the fact that he may never get to do what he does well. Let's assume that we agree that Hoke was right to dismiss Clark and that he should face the same legal consequences as anyone else. I also assume that as a marginal prospect this will keep him out of (or make it much more difficult for him to make) the NFL. Is it possible to recognize that Clark should be punished, sympathize with the victims and feel some sorrow for him as well?

victoriaed90

November 18th, 2014 at 9:41 PM ^

I don't think we do anything with Frank Clark. We turn him over to the authorities and let him face the consequences of his actions. I'd love to say that he'll get past it and go to counseling and never do it again but the success rate of rehabilitation for perpetrators of DV is incredibly low. (That's not to say it never happens. It can and does. It's just rare and you have to have someone who really wants to make a change.)

And sure, I think you can feel bad for Clark on some levels. His history is heartbreaking. I wish someone had been able to help him as a child and I wish he hadn't suffered through that. It;s sad and of course I feel terrible that he experienced that.

However,I don't think you can support victims of violence and also feel sorry that their abuser is facing the consequences of their actions. Losing his position at Michigan and his potential for the NFL are direct consequences of his abuse of his partner and nothing else. I don't think you can stand with domestic violence victims and mourn the loss of an abuser's status and privilege at the same time. My sympathy for him stops at the point where he lays his hands on another individual.

AlexFranklin

November 18th, 2014 at 9:46 AM ^

And, sadly, this is the blog entry that pushed me to comment. If Brian was 30ish and punched a high school kid, he belonged in jail. He is a grown a$$ man and he is supposed to act like one. Yeah, we've all felt the blood boil but what separates men from boys is self-control. Now the Frank Clark situation is tragic, and he will suffer the consequences of his actions. Do I feel sad that he may have thrown his life away? Not really. I'm not going to feel sad for a man who nearly kills his girlfriend.

HonoluluBlue

November 18th, 2014 at 10:31 AM ^

probably been said already but when you check in to a cheap motel in Ohio by yourself with a fifth of Hennessy there is nothing good that can possibly come out of it. You have to know that going in. To me that is being overlooked by many on here. This wasn't a lost in the heat of the moment situation. I'm not saying it was premeditated either but it was probably somewhere in between. You can decide which side it falls closer to.

UofM Die Hard …

November 18th, 2014 at 3:11 PM ^

I bet this was somewhat hard to write for Brian and post to the masses. 

 

I wasnt one of those who were cussing Frank out and calling him a scum bag and what not...but do I feel bad for him, I cant say that I do.

I hope he wakes up and realizes he has a God given talent to play this game and that gift can give him a better life, but right now I think he should feel alone, it has to be part of the process to recovery.  There are two sides to every story and who knows what the other side is, but that line just cant be crossed.

Now comes the real hard work on fixing this, reaching out for help and becoming a better person.  

Totally2

November 18th, 2014 at 3:31 PM ^

Great humanity exhibited yet again Mr. Cook, including acknowledgement of your thrown punch. Think you're contributing to the acceleration of cultural evolution with your humanity, your writing. Appreciate thee.

MGoUberBlue

November 18th, 2014 at 6:37 PM ^

Life is a marathon and there are many forks in the road where a person can make a decision that has positive results or head in a different direction that yields disaster.

Frank Clark has not gone down the wrong path only once, but twice in a manner that exhibits a person without much character.  Want a Mac product?  Just break into a dorm room and take one.

Now this episode of physical abuse against a woman (not a 6'5", 280-pouns man) that has a tragic impact on both him, the victim and her family members.  Once again Frank chose to take the road to disaster.

Yes, I was one of those folks who posted empathy for those victims.  Anyone who calls that as condescending does not know shit from shinola.  You may not agree with my position, but your criticizing sympathic folks is pretty ridiculous.

Physical abuse is a hot topic these days.  Perhaps those who feel sorry for Frank Clark and have no sympathy for the victim or her family should think twice about that position as it relates to professional football players.........a path that we think Frank Clark desired to achieve.

Just read this article in today's New York Times and then pontificate more about sympathic folks condescending toward the victims:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/18/sports/wives-in-domestic-abuse-cases-…

It seems that this is not a one-time event with these guys.  The article points out that it goes on and on with the NFL teams, players and wives of those support of big wife beater rather than the victim.

 

 

MGoUberBlue

November 18th, 2014 at 9:01 PM ^

This is part 1 of the citation that I provided in my earlier post:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/17/sports/football/an-accusation-of-abus…

Once again, my empathy is with the victims, not the 250-pound guy who beats the shit out of his wife or girlfriend.

Do I hope that Frank Clark gets another chance?  Does he deserve one?  How does he deal with the current situation?

So does he sign a multi-million dollar contract and then get back to his bad decisions?

glutton for pu…

November 20th, 2014 at 2:36 AM ^

I must preface this comment that I am an ohio state grad. I've been following Mgoblog for quite a while but never comment because I prefer not to troll. I had a great amount of respect for Brian over the past ~6 years or so. This is why this post is so absurd to me. I can't believe how brian passes off assaulting an 18 year old in a story. Over the last few years, multiple people have been killed in random soccer attacks, that have taken away fathers of young children because they couldn't control themselves. Then Brian seems to want to position this as not an excuse for what happened by telling it right before jumping into the story, but he is not using it as justification because he says so.... Then Brian proceeds to lay into folks for criticizing someone for beating a woman online for not having an appreciation or understanding of their past without regard for why people maybe be quick to judge or vocalize their feelings about beating women without regard for our past. And maybe I am wrong on this, but even if the victim in this case doesnt read comments on mgoblog criticizing the fact that someone beat someone, I'd like to think that it demonstrates among others who read that this habit is not supported and maybe some who have dealt with this issue will appreciate the support.

Is this a sad story? Sure, for everyone involved. Do I have enough sympathy for frank Clark, a man who was given natural gifts I could only dream of? Then had the opportunity to receive an education at michigan? Make millions of dollars in the NFL and do whatever he chooses? No. I come from a place where I see no sympathy for a coach who ignored free tattoos and was vilified for it. Sorry if I have no sympathy for a man who has everything at his fingertips and chooses to beat a woman in front of children. No Brian, I don't think you are defending his actions, but I could really care less if the mob wants to bang down his door.