You would honestly play the song from Donnie Darko and Tori Amos in the big house? Jebus, you are hilariously out of touch. I listen to a lot of the same music, but to play that for 100K people and want more then 10 of them to get excited is bonkers.
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Special K For A Day: Diabolical Double-Cross Edition
A couple weeks ago, Ace posted the stuff he'd play if he woke up tomorrow morning looking like Seth Greene in Can't Hardly Wait…
…and found out he was the man with the power to play the piped-in music at the stadium. This got me to thinking what I'd play—mostly White Stripes—until I had a thought: what if I could discredit the very idea of piped-in music so badly that they'd burn the speakers after the game? What if I could sit upon my be-goggled perch laughing maniacally with tented fingers as an enraged mob did my secret bidding? Yes. Yes, this is what I must do. I must destroy the institution from the inside.
Ground rule: no working blue. Anything played must be a radio edit, or a hypothetical radio edit of a song that excises naughty words that cause mothers to clap their hands over baby's ears. Otherwise this would just be Peaches songs.
Presenting the diabolical master plan to win hearts and minds by destroying them…
Joanna Newsom, "Monkey and Bear"
Joanna Newsom is a deranged elven harpist who put out an hour-long album with five songs on it. This is one of them. It's also a story of a manipulative monkey that convinces a sweet-hearted bear to flee its home, then exploits her for financial gain until she decides to drown itself. Possibly because she has brain damage. Awkward…
Sigur Ros, "Með blóðnasir"
This could be anything in their discography, really. Sigur Ros is an Icelandic band who invented their own language because all the existing ones were insufficient to express their meandering longing for… Icelandic stuff. Especially good for fourth-quarter defensive stands, as there is a strong chance opposing quarterback will lapse into a coma.
Seth says the title means "I have a nosebleed."
Cibo Matto, "Birthday Cake"
Jarring, high-pitched, probably-intentionally-annoying Japanese-expatriate food-punk containing the line "are you made or broken by the birthday cake" and the chorus
SHUT UP AND EAT
TOO BAD NO BON APPETIT
SHUT UP AND EAT
YOU KNOW MY LOVE IS SWEET
Involuntarily listening to this over and over will drive you insane. People would start eating each other, screaming "TOO BAD NO BON APPETIT."'
[IT GETS EVEN WORSE AFTER THE JUMP]
Nelly Furtado ft Timbaland, "Promiscuous"
Many, many sex-related songs fell to the no-working-blue rule and the assumption that "ass" would not be broadcast in the stadium. Shake Ya Ass, Back That Ass Up, Rumpshaker… all fallen. Why I've decided to hew to this rule in a list of songs that would never, ever be played anyway is unknown, but I have.
"Promiscuous" would slip by any and all word-based nanny censors no problem. In this it is rare. Meanwhile, the chorus of this song invites a conversation like this:
ADORABLE CHILD: Daddy, what does "promiscuous" mean?
FATHER: It's third and one. Ask your mother.
ADORABLE CHILD: Mommy, what does "promiscuous" mean?
MOTHER: Uh… it's not good.
ADORABLE CHILD: It sounds fun! Boys AND girls can be promiscuous!
MOTHER: SPECIAL K, YOU BASTARD! /shakes fist at sky, watches third and one, pines for commercial break
Mike and the Mechanics, "The Living Years"
JUST LOOK AT THE STAGE THING HERE AND THIS DUDE'S SQUINT
Possibly the worst song ever written, which recommends it greatly here. Also about your father dying in a very, very, very, very, very obvious way. Since many will be there with their actual fathers, entire stadium ends up torn between loathing for the song, preemptive regret at the lack of connection with the person literally sitting next to them, and maudlin breakdowns the sixteenth time this is played before a third and five.
This Thing From Majora's Mask
It's a Legend of Zelda game. Like listening to the Cibo Matto above, this will drive you insane, especially because its recurrence will make you believe you've just died for the 40th straight time trying to kill this one particular boss.
[Via Laser Romance.]
The Smiths, "Asleep"
This is the grimmest, darkest Smiths song of them all. This is saying something. "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" is the Nyan Cat theme compared to "Asleep." The guy who posted it on youtube described it as "as beautiful as it is ghastly; a song of assiduous despair, it is the harsh and authentic clamour of the human soul at its most nihilistic," which he no doubt stole from a guy in an ascot but still. Yeah. That's what we're dealing with here.
Perfect for punting. This song is punting your soul.
Gary Jules, "Mad World" (cover)
You may recognize this from Donnie Darko. If there's one thing Michigan football needs it's a creepy one-eyed hell-bunny mascot.
Kate Bush, "This Woman's Work"
Via Orson, a tale of a woman losing her husband. Orson describes it as "This song is like 'haha, how adolescent and overblown and WHY TEARS OH GOD WHY—"
Ghostface Killah, "All That I Got Is You"
Also via Orson. May cause various players and fans from rough backgrounds to weep openly instead of blocking on field goals. DAMN YOU GHOSTFACE KILLAH AND YOUR EFFECT ON SHAWN CRABLE.
Tori Amos, "Me And A Gun"
Slipping just past the radio edit boundary is Tori Amos deciding not to kill herself in pretty much the saddest thing for anyone with testosterone to perceive!
Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed
I feel bad for including this. Also for having testicles.
Johnny Cash, "Hurt" (cover)
Guh. This would be bad enough if football didn't accelerate this process considerably. This is getting dark. Like, I was having fun when this post started and now I'm just feeling morbid. A PALE HORSE RIDES FOR US ALL.
The cause is just. We must continue.
Pop Evil, "In The Big House"
[EMBED REMOVED TO PRESERVE THE SANITY OF THE AUTHOR]
Obviously.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:07 PM
#2
You would honestly play the
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:14 PM
#3
Intentionally Bad
Did you miss that he intentionally made this list as bad as possible? Or is my sarcasm meter broken?
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:16 PM
#4
Methinks you missed the crucial part of the article
the part where it's supposed to be bad. Or did you seriously think that the song about the bear and monkey and whatnot was supposed to be good?
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:17 PM
#5
you are hilariously out of touch.
You're being sarcastic, right?
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:20 PM
#6
only about those 2 songs, the
only about those 2 songs, the others he is on board with.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:27 PM
#7
"I listen to a lot of the same music"
That explains a lot -- also, I'm crossing Wyoming off my list of vacation destinations.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:53 PM
#8
the worst part?
His avatar is MST3K. Seems he would be more attuned to sarcasm than the rest of us...
Also, Wyoming, MI is an excellent vacation destination, if you get your kicks out of dingy, drab warehouses.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:35 PM
#9
Sorry, I didn't make it past this:
It's also a story of a manipulative monkey that convinces a sweet-hearted bear to flee its home, then exploits her for financial gain until she decides to drown itself. Possibly because she has brain damage.
EDIT: I can say this now that I've listened to the song: It is a recording of the mad ramblings of one of the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz, possibly designed to spread the insanity of the singer to her listeners. It should be quarantined for the safety of the public.
May 22nd, 2012 at 4:12 PM
#10
I think you missed
the entire point.
May 23rd, 2012 at 7:47 AM
#11
Bolivia.
Bolivia.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:19 PM
#12
100K depressed people
"Mad World" and "Hurt" are about as depressing as it gets, but you missed out on also including Elliot Smith (Anything by him really), Neil Young "Hey Hey, My My" (or the like), Nirvana, and "Kurt Kobain" by the rapper Proof.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:20 PM
#13
Saw Reznor sing "Hurt" at the
Saw Reznor sing "Hurt" at the Palace on a New Year's Eve many moons ago, and if possible, it was even more somber in person.
May 23rd, 2012 at 12:13 PM
#14
Probably my favorite band and
Probably my favorite band and favorite song. Dark as hell, but pretty amazing.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:23 PM
#15
NEEDLE IN THE
NEEDLE IN THE HAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY
...god yes
May 22nd, 2012 at 3:25 PM
#16
On the subject of Elliot Smith
How about "Late" by Ben Folds, which is an homage to Smith, and his untimely suicide. The song is entirely haunting, and is a perfect fit for this god awful mess of a list.
May 22nd, 2012 at 7:25 PM
#17
You mean murder. Yes, I'm
You mean murder. Yes, I'm one of those.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:16 PM
#18
brian, i think you might be
brian, i think you might be getting bored.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:24 PM
#19
can't it just be that surgery
can't it just be that surgery warped him permanently?
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:18 PM
#20
Perhaps reading the whole
Perhaps reading the whole post would be of benefit . . . " what if I could discredit the very idea of piped-in music so badly that they'd burn the speakers after the game?" "Hurt," in and of itself, is a brilliant song whether by NIN or Cash. Of course, there is that whole misery thing. "Mad World" (TFF's original) is also brilliant. Of course, it has the whole miserable kid in school thingy. Smiths? "you go home and you cry and you want to die" would fit the bill, if not as overwhelmingly morbid as "Asleep."
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:18 PM
#21
So Tori Amos is singing songs about
spreading for Mr. Ed? I thought that kind of activity is mostly illegal everywhere, Wilbur.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:19 PM
#22
Damnit
Damnit now I want to play Majora's Mask.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:20 PM
#23
*
*
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:19 PM
#24
I think any song by Falco would incite violence...
Rock me Amadeus is enough to have Green Peace driving a homemade helicopter into the stadium to save the unprotected ears of 100,000 Wolverines.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:21 PM
#25
It's not that complicated.
Judging by reactions to Marching Band performances, most of the alumni would probably DEMAND!!! Dave Brandon stop piping in music if it were exclusively the raps and Lady Gaga.
Honorable mentions: "Chocolate Rain", The Bed Intruder Song once somebody explains to the non internet folks what it is.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:22 PM
#26
Ween -- The HIV Song
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:54 PM
#27
That song is the best advertisement for condom use, Buy
three -- one for your junk and two for your ears.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:24 PM
#28
The Donnie Darko Bunny really
The Donnie Darko Bunny really would be the perfect mascot for Michigan Football.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:30 PM
#29
Amen.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:25 PM
#30
Cibo Matto track name
That track's not "Shut Up and Eat." It's called "Birthday Cake."
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:25 PM
#31
Most depressing Radiohead song:
I love this song. The acoustic version here is even more depressing than the original:
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:31 PM
#32
respectfully
I think "No Surprises" is more depressing than "Black Star." The Amnesiac version of "The Morning Bell" is too, I think.
May 22nd, 2012 at 6:47 PM
#33
No Surprises
Well it is "music to cut your wrists to..." (1:15 mark of the attached)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O67CJqGFr1I
May 22nd, 2012 at 7:19 PM
#34
"Pyramid Song" and
"Pyramid Song" and "Videotape" are definitely the most depressing Radiohead songs (at least musically).
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:27 PM
#35
needs moar Neutral Milk Hotel
needs moar Neutral Milk Hotel
May 22nd, 2012 at 3:05 PM
#36
+1 for Neutral Milk
Oh Comely seems perfect for this.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:28 PM
#37
If Brian is trying to induce
If Brian is trying to induce 100K+ into suicide and/or depression, no list would be complete without "Blasphemous Rumours." Please forgive my lack of embedding skills.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:29 PM
#38
Zelda Song
While listening to it the 6th time through, the words of Whitman's 'Song of Myself' began rhythmically painting themselves to the wall. I began weeping silently...
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:30 PM
#39
in the big house! we'll punch
in the big house! we'll punch your lights out!
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:30 PM
#40
They could sell black
They could sell black eyeliner and nail polish in the stadium! This should really help the brand appeal to that largely untapped Depressed demographic.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:31 PM
#41
Where's Metal Machine Music?
Where's Metal Machine Music?
May 22nd, 2012 at 3:03 PM
#42
But there's worse...
I've got a great idea. Let's take Lou Reed, but make him 35 years older, and have him voice over crappy faux pop-metal by a band that hasn't put out anything even remotely listenable since 1991. I'm sure the fans will LOVE that!
May 22nd, 2012 at 3:20 PM
#43
The Chuck Klosterman column
The Chuck Klosterman column about that album at Grantland was great.
Yet there's still something vital about Lulu that needs to be remembered, even as you rip it off MediaFire and immediately forget the name of every single track: This was the dream. If considered in a vacuum, this absurd collaboration that no one wants to take seriously (or even play more than once) is the ultimate manifestation of what was once viewed as the idealized, unattainable goal of mainstream art. Just by existing, Lulu represents at least four things:
1. Two historically significant artists merging unrelated genres for no defined reason.
2. Adult, self-aware musicians following their own creative vision, devoid of commercial pressure or responsibility.
3. An attempt to produce something authentically different from anything we've ever heard before, motivated only by a desire to see what would happen.
4. A confident, unvarnished attempt at taking arcane high art (Lulu is based on theatrical German expressionism from the early 20th century) and repackaging it for denim-clad teenagers huffing gas in Arizona parking lots.If you think about Lulu within those specific parameters, it seems admirable. It almost feels important. But those thoughts are annihilated by the inevitable experience of actually hearing it....If the Red Hot Chili Peppers acoustically covered the 12 worst Primus songs for Starbucks, it would still be (slightly) better than this. "Loutallica" makes SuperHeavy seem like Big Star. But this is what happens in a free society. Enjoy your freedom, slaves.
http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7146312/lou-reed-metallica-album
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:32 PM
#44
Whats
Whats the Over/Under on number of points Jake Ryan gets on that <s>Ryan</s> David Wilson TFL in the Sugar Bowl?
Wait. Wrong thread
Kidding aside, this was a funny post Brian. Both political parties are on the phone and want your expertise, lol
Crap, whose Ryan Wilson, I wonder. Thanks for the correction
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:46 PM
#45
*David Wilson
NOW YOU CAN"T
*David Wilson
NOW YOU CAN"T CORRECT IT!!!
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:32 PM
#46
Nothing says family fun like Jizmak Da Gusha
Gwar would be a nice touch to a day out with the family. Perhaps a half time show "Gwar featuring Kock Diesel" with a jello wrestling mosh pit in front of the stage would suffice.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:33 PM
#47
Neil Young: Transformer Man
May 22nd, 2012 at 6:05 PM
#48
Great Start
I think you are on the right track. You've got sad well covered although I'd add at least one Joy Division song, and maybe a Nick Drake or Red House Painters song (both have the added benefit of plodding pace perfect to make people say WTF).
I'd add some more noise. Nothing drives people (especially Blue Hair Donors) crazy faster than atonal shrieks. Metal Machine Music maybe? Glenn Branca or Sonic Youth? Or God help them Merzbow.
May 22nd, 2012 at 2:34 PM
#49
This Woman's Work
Devastating indeed but not "a tale of a woman losing her husband". Song about a woman going through hard baby labor as seen from the father's point of view. Made famous from the film She's Having A Baby.
