Patricia Heaton: Best Ohio State Grad Ever

Brian August 20th, 2009 at 1:59 PM

It's a funny hat. The second funniest thing about Celebrity Jeopardy is that it's so, so true. (The first is Norm Macdonald.) Celebrity anything is so, so true. I was just watching the bit of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire where they bring out a celebrity* and Winona Judd was asked "if you have three shirts and four pairs of pants, how many outfits can you make." The answers were "goat," "Saturn," "i," and IT'S TWELVE YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME but she sat there, flummoxed, until Regis punched her in the face and deposited eggs in her stomach in the manner of all Notre Dame graduates looking to reproduce.

I thought that was a spectacular dumb celebrity event, but then Patricia Heaton showed up and showed us all what spectacular truly was:

WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN. She got racuous applause for multiplying because everyone felt terrible about her education. At Ohio State. And she still doubled the GNP of Sierra Leone.

*(This was not my executive decision, for the record. I only watch Golden Girls marathons.)

Comments

CipASonic

August 20th, 2009 at 2:10 PM ^

Is there a link for that Winona Judd Who Wants To Be a Millionaire bit?

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Brodie

August 20th, 2009 at 2:41 PM ^

I saw it live and I'm pretty sure it's not something you want to see. It will destroy your faith in humanity

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Yinka Double Dare

August 20th, 2009 at 2:14 PM ^

It should also be noted that Norm MacDonald himeslf was on Millionaire during a celebrity week back in the day. He made it to the million dollar question. He was going to guess on that question (or at least acted like it was a pure guess) but Regis talked him out of it and he quit with 500K. So Regis asks him what he was going to answer and it turns out Norm was right, would have won the million for his charity.

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Not a Blue Fan

August 20th, 2009 at 2:42 PM ^

Fortunately, YouTube has the whole thing (start with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORgRYGCia3M). It's possibly my favorite Norm moment, perhaps only rivaled by his appearance on Conan with the co-star (whose name escapes me at the moment) of "Chairman of the Board". And dear God what is wrong with Patricia Heaton?

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Yinka Double Dare

August 20th, 2009 at 2:45 PM ^

That would be Courtney Thorne-Smith. Norm was definitely at his best in that appearance.

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03 Blue 07

August 20th, 2009 at 2:55 PM ^

I just clicked on this and am watching it (at work) and I must say, the fact that the "friend" that Norm picked to be his person in the audience is stand-alone pure comic gold: Kato Kaelin! That's outstanding! Also, in case you're wondering, Kato's official job is "socialite." http://www.nndb.com/people/416/000022350/ He must be a great guy to hang out with, seeing as he doesn't seem to have any other redeeming qualities. I kind of think of him like Brad Pitt's character in True Romance who just chills on the couch in a stoned daze the entire movie.

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Dan Man

August 20th, 2009 at 5:08 PM ^

If you didn't see it, you HAVE to watch Norm's monologue from the ESPYs. The ESPYs will never be that funny again. http://deadspin.com/5196193/espn-will-never-ever-do-this-again

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jmblue

August 20th, 2009 at 8:16 PM ^

That was amazing. Seriously, possibly the greatest ESPN clip ever.

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lunchboxthegoat

August 21st, 2009 at 1:17 AM ^

and this is why I love Norm MacDonald.

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His Dudeness

August 20th, 2009 at 2:20 PM ^

Oh to be famous and be cheered for not being functionally retarded.

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Blue2000

August 20th, 2009 at 2:34 PM ^

I think that clip established that she is functionally retarded.

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Ultimate Quizmaster

August 20th, 2009 at 2:21 PM ^

Nice on the OSU joke, but sad she had trouble with ninety pennies and fifty dimes. Even recruits who couldn't qualify at OSU don't have to think about that.

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mejunglechop

August 20th, 2009 at 2:44 PM ^

I know for a fact that Jamal Berry is excellent at counting dimes and quarters.

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COB

August 20th, 2009 at 3:31 PM ^

Counting them, ace. Hiding them, fail.

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Ziff72

August 20th, 2009 at 2:31 PM ^

What a great show... they actually dragged that 1 question out for 8 minutes!! What a country we have.

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BlueVoix

August 20th, 2009 at 2:37 PM ^

That woman is incredibly stupid. On top of the obvious, why wouldn't she, like, ask the audience for this retardedly simple question? Rather than her foreign husband.

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ATX Wolverine

August 20th, 2009 at 2:52 PM ^

Yes, the key takeaway from the clip is that Europeans don't know math.

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Engin77

August 20th, 2009 at 3:31 PM ^

she thought her husband would have an edge because the question involved Euros. She retreated behind "I'm not good at math." without even thinking about the four answers.

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Toomey

August 20th, 2009 at 3:37 PM ^

She didn't realize there were four choices because she isn't good at math.

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BlueVoix

August 20th, 2009 at 9:19 PM ^

I should have subtitled this, "this comment not appropriate for european wolverines."

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MichMike86

August 20th, 2009 at 2:37 PM ^

that whoever is taking care of her finances is smarter than she is. Sheesh.

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Engin77

August 20th, 2009 at 3:33 PM ^

I'm thinking she has her nest egg with Bernie Madoff.

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Sommy

August 20th, 2009 at 2:50 PM ^

This is considerably more satisfying than the time a friend of mine from grade school ended up at Ohio State instead of Michigan (damn full-ride scholarship) and was on an episode of college Jeopardy and beat the lights out of the Michigan representative there.

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Toomey

August 20th, 2009 at 2:59 PM ^

And when they beat us on college Family Fued. But I suppose even Patricia Heaton could win Family Fued as long as the rest of her team couldn't do arithmetic.

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Five In A Row

August 20th, 2009 at 4:26 PM ^

spell Feud...

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Toomey

August 20th, 2009 at 4:47 PM ^

No man, that's the beauty of the game. You don't have to get things right.

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Yinka Double Dare

August 20th, 2009 at 3:54 PM ^

We, however, have a college champion, while OSU does not.

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markusr2007

August 20th, 2009 at 3:15 PM ^

as if to highlight just how miserably crunk Ms. Heaton must have been during this unfortunate celebrity segment. You can easily tell from Regis's fake smile, he's using every fiber of his being not to stand up and start destroying the program set. Because it's just like Kathy Lee all over again!

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Brodie

August 20th, 2009 at 3:15 PM ^

Is it really a shock that someone who acted on Everybody Loves Raymond is retarded?

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JimBobTressel-0

August 20th, 2009 at 4:58 PM ^

I didn't realize that was her. wow

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Blue2000

August 20th, 2009 at 5:47 PM ^

Is it really a shock that someone who acted on Everybody Loves Raymond is retarded? I actually kind of like that show. (hangs head in shame)

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uniqenam

August 20th, 2009 at 8:32 PM ^

you're not alone.

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lunchboxthegoat

August 21st, 2009 at 1:19 AM ^

amen and +1 I hated that show.

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Geaux_Blue

August 20th, 2009 at 3:35 PM ^

i blame Tom Cruise Scientology seems to destroy brain cells at an alarming rate. perhaps Zoltanology would be a better space religion.

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AMazinBlue

August 20th, 2009 at 5:13 PM ^

This reminds of the time I had to go to Columbus while in college at Kenyon College (Gambier, OH)to help my girlfriend with some Psychology research. It was on a rainy Saturday and we found someone walking with an umbrella and pulled over to ask them where the library was. The person said they had no idea. I asked if he was a student at OSU and he said, "yes, I'm a sophomore." I responded, "You've been here two years and have never been to the library or know where it is?" He said, "yeah, I don't have a clue." This experience told me all I ever needed to know about tosu.

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Noah

August 21st, 2009 at 12:16 AM ^

Unfortunately, every school in the world has people like that. We have DOCTORAL STUDENTS who have no idea how to search for items in our library. Really sad.

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