When I was a very young child, I decided it was high time I learned to dress myself. Granted, it was a bit early in my development to be attempting such a complicated endeavor-- many suggested I potty-trained first. But I had an impatient, rather jerky mother, and I was capricious.
The attempt, predictably, ended badly. Had I been old enough to understand cause-and-effect and consequence, or had prior knowledge of a device called a "camera" and its function, I might not have even attempted this. Alas, I did, and the resulting photo is still on a shelf at my parents' home, a copy rests in a much-worn flip-book at my father's office, and this image of a one-armed, superman-caped, transformer-topped thing wearing a pair of pants on each leg, since transcribed to digital format, reappears at family events in my father's Powerpoint presentations.
This is a warning to anyone seriously considering accepting an offer to play football at the University of Oregon.
Not content with already being the most ridiculous-looking team in all of sports, the Ducks recently unveiled Oregon's most recent affront to decency. Like the late-'90s Batman film franchise, the Ducks keep adding more enemies -- they now have five hideous uniforms for the 12 to 13 games played each season. Of course, they also said they plan to "mix and match." That's three different helmets, three different pants, five different shirts, four different socks, and two different shoes.
The designs themselves are pretty plain, trading in the old roadkill shoulders for Red Bull wings. And there's apparently an attempt at a throwback, except someone failed to mention that the players weren't actually wearing black and white.
I expect these new unis will be out the door as fast as the last ones, as well as the ones they wore before they changed their designer to Latrine (used to be Shit-House).
Let's all take a moment and be thankful for the maize and blue, the winged helmets, and the fact that the people who make such decisions in our athletic department are not raging lunatics.
As for those attending/playing for/associated with the University of Oregon who have to watch their team play in each of these progressively more insulting uniforms, you have my heartfelt sympathies. May I recommend a radio?