Thank god for humor. A classic post Brian. Where is that list of all time classics for posterity's reference? Today's post belongs.
The Only Thing Corey Liuget And I Will Ever Have In Common
10/31/2009 – Michigan 13, Illinois 38 – 5-4, 1-4 Big Ten
To paint with broad strokes, I probably don't have much in common with 6'3", 290 pound black guys from Miami who think it's a good idea to play for Ron Zook. Our worlds are unlikely to intersect at a Lil Wayne show or the Ann Arbor Film Festival. Cory Liuget has probably never thought to himself "that reminds me of a Morrissey song." Of late, I think that all the time.
But at around 6:30 on October 31st, 2009, we both felt like we had been punched in the dong. In Liuget's case, this is because he had been punched in the dong:
In my case, and probably in yours, you had not actually been punched in the dong unless you had decided at some point that going outside with your buddies and punching each other in the dongs was preferable to watch the metaphorical dong-punching that started when Roy Roundtree's knee hit the ground at the one yard line and has not, to my knowledge, stopped. If you managed to miss this play and its aftermath because you were outside getting punched in the dong, congratulations: this is the one and only time when your decision-making skills will ever be regarded above average. Punch yourself in the dong in celebration.
Liuget got off easy. He was wearing a cup. My soul-dong has no cup, and it's taken a mighty battering in the last couple of years. Weary, bepunched, bruised, bepunched some more, the soul-dong cries out: why, gods who dictate which ghostly shadow genitalia get the full America's Funniest Home Videos treatment, have you chosen these dongs for maximum severe extreme punishment?
In the end, it doesn't matter. It just hurts when you don't move carefully.
You probably think I'm done with this riff on dong-punching. You get the dashes and the topic changes and then the topic comes back around to the previous item by the end of the column, with maybe some more dashes indicating where you should be prepared to shift thoughts. This, surely, is where a sentence can go by without the author mentioning someone getting punched in the dong.
No: the dongs. They are punched. This is what Michigan football has been since about the instant Drew Henson decided to take millions of dollars from the Yankees: the constant struggle to get your dong punched in new and interesting ways. Super-recruit quarterback leaves before senior year: kapow. New, wholly obscure Ohio State coach from I-AA is the anti-Cooper: tiger PUNCH. 2005: E. Honda hundred-hand-slaps your jibbly bits. 2006: more of a Tekken unblockable thunderfist with a huge-long windup that you think is going to be awesome until you fail to dodge the full testicle-crushing force of the blow and end up flat against the wall. 2007: Jack Bauer finds the bomb, finds it's a ridiculously tiny nuclear device, and decides to screw with you by placing it in the appropriate place before the Horror. 2008: A hundred E. Hondas hundred-hand-slapping your scrotum for three straight months.
2009 can be seen above: SURPRISE! You, Corey Liuget, think your dong is unthreatened late in a game you've turned into a blowout. You are wrong, and E. Honda shows up 75% through the damn thing just to give you dangly punishment.
As per usual.
Here we are, gingerly attempting to sit down without having any part of our anatomy brush up against other parts of our anatomy. Things just got raw, yo. Every place on the internet that didn't immediately repeal the first amendment(!!!) is burning.
I've been watching the same stuff everyone has for 1.5 years and here's where I am: it's blindingly obvious that some portion of the suck is Rodriguez's doing. After that huge reversal of fortune you have to back down from any previous stances you have about the program, its progress, and etc etc etc. That is a game-changing event. That game turned "Rich Rodriguez flames out in three years" at Michigan from a laughable notion to a possible one. Distantly possible, but possible.
I'm not sure what the suck is and how much can be laid on the current coaching staff. The Shafer hire was a poor one. Past that, the last couple years have featured four quarterbacks that were either freshmen or walk-ons, a disaster of an offensive line, and a defense that actually saw two walk-ons start against Illinois because they were preferable to the alternatives. I don't know if that's Jay Hopson's fault or just crappy luck that you're starting a guy who would never see the field because the options behind him are so poor.
I still think we aren't anywhere near the point at which we can chuck out Rodriguez's stellar previous track record. That is not an accident. The previous coaching staff was responsible for The Horror and was attempting to position Mike DeBord as a legitimate in-house candidate, so it's not like the vast program-killing screwup that is the defensive recruiting is an huge outlier in judgment.
On the 70-yard touchdown that put Illinois in the lead for good, two players were largely responsible: Leach got dragged out of position expecting a stretch and Kovacs took what he thought was a good angle but was not because he is a freshman walk-on. There are a lot of problems with the program that no one could deal with.
Rodriguez will be back next year with a mandate to get to a mediocre bowl, and he'll be under pressure to produce a serious team in year four. My confidence that he'll do that is waning. There's not much that would improve the situation; as we've seen the last two years, program continuity is a huge factor in any football team's success. Firing Rodriguez before he's thoroughly proven he can't make it work here is going to make the previous suffering in vain.
That's where I am. If you're elsewhere, fine, I can understand that after the huge reversal the past couple weeks. Before the 2008 season I dug out that picture of Bo and Canham and Bump Elliot and placed the fanbase in the center of it:
We are all Don Canham now. Rich Rodriguez comes in with a wildly successful pedigree but promises to finally tear down the culture of Bo’s program, to replace it with something uncertain. This has caused apprehension in some, joy in others, and disdain verging on hatred in a select group.
The program risks changing into something people drift away from because it has drifted from them, or, worse, something that you only wish you could drift away from. It also promises fireworks and fun and victory and a feeling that’s something other than that thing we’ve felt so much before. Other fanbases go through this every five or ten or fifteen years; for us it’s been 40.
I could welcome it, I guess, or celebrate it, or proclaim inevitable dominion over the land. But I don’t feel like it. Nor do I feel like fretting over imaginary scandals future. Like Canham, I just hope it works.
I still hope it works. It's getting harder to think it will. Next year will tell the tale.
- Michigan should prepare for an Ortmann suspension. Omameh is probably the guy who draws in, but he's been practicing at right tackle. Ricky Barnum is the nominal backup left tackle if the Baby Seal U game is an indication, but I don't think he's left tackle material; the real backups at tackle are redshirting.
- Michigan's losing their composure, yes, and it's clear there's a cultural divide on the team between guys like Odoms, who know from rough, and Carr holdovers who still seem pissed that this is what they got when it's not what they signed up for.
- Holy hell: turnovers. I'd mentioned this before but here's a useful diary post from Enjoy Life on Rodriguez's turnover history. It's ridiculous:
Aside from the ugly first year, West Virginia had a positive turnover margin every year of Rodriguez's reign, with double-digit years four out of six tries. It's not the system, and it's not the weather as it applies to the system—it gets cold and rainy in West Virginia, too. It's freshman quarterbacks and terrible defense.
- Also holy hell: what a disaster Mike Patrick is. One: if our starting center was actually named "Mossman" he would a superhero capable of enmeshing opponents in his velcro-like grasp and Michigan's offensive line wouldn't fail to pass block against a terrible team that had no pass rush coming into the game. This was not an error. He and equally idiotic Craig James called him "Mossman" at least six times.
Two: you just knew as soon as the goal line stand happened that the rest of the game would be Patrick and James going Favre on Terry Hawthorne tracking down Roundtree, and this they did, often failing to even describe the play in front of them in favor of yet more rapturous praise for Hawthorne. They should find whatever pasture they've put Maguire in and put Patrick in it, too. And then shoot it into space. It will be like the Little Prince!
Three: this is not Patrick's fault but after a couple games on ABC that were beautifully directed, this one missed a half-dozen plays.
- Mike Williams had edge responsibility time and again against Illinois and blew it when he wasn't getting blocked into the bench. He was spectacularly bad, just as he was against Iowa. I find it hard to believe Vlad Emilien is worse, and since he's played on special teams recently he's not getting a redshirt. Wonder if we see him a little bit more the rest of the season.
- It's really obvious why they moved Woolfolk to safety in spring now. What a terrible feeling it must have been to watch these guys play in spring practice and know you were going to die in the fall.
- Kovacs makes sense because there are literally no scholarship options at his spot other than Emilien and project true freshmen, but what is with Leach getting on the field in front of Fitzgerald or Demens? I'd say it's a failure to develop talent on the part of Hopson, but he's also the guy coaching Leach. All I know is that it's very bad when you have major recruits (Fitzgerald was just outside top 100 lists and Adam Patterson was a top-50 player) idling behind walk-ons.
- What happened to Shaw? Undisclosed injury?
- The offensive line's pass blocking is the biggest problem with the offense right now. Every week I go into UFR expecting that Forcier will have all these terrible scrambles and there's maybe one or two instances where it was optional. In all other cases, someone is bearing down on him. The line is getting crushed in the protection metric. I hope this is an effect of losing Molk more than anything else; also, Michigan doesn't have any options other than freshmen behind the starters now.
- I got emails from people asking why they couldn't post stuff on the blog. How do you attempt to post something on the blog without reading the single paragraph post at the top of it that says you can't post? And should this be taken as evidence that the people in question should not be allowed to post anyway?
- LVSC's initial opening line for the game: M –7. Vegas loled and set it at 3.5. But… hey… 3.5 point favorites! WOO MOTOR CITY.
I'm selling "Soul Dong" navy blue bracelets with 100% of the proceeds going to our defensive recruiting budget.
Great post. My question about the freshman wall: why does the talk only seem limited to quarterbacks? It seems a lot of our younger players have hit the proverbial wall, especially after the loss to Penn State. But have they quit? Have the seniors?
In the end, I think RR's tenure at UM could be defined by the next three games. If they lose them all, the demons of this year are coming back with a hideous vengeance. But if they drop turds in all three games, I'm worried about the offseason for RR. Not to be overdramatic, but we really need the bowl game this year.
Notre Dame had eight, nine years of true mediocrity, but that began with one and two years of mediocrity. Purdue game is HUGE.
They KNOW they have to win this week against Purdue so they will be TIGHT and MISTAKE PRONE again this week. I give them NO shot at Wisconsin and only a small shot at home against Ohio State. I hate to be like this and to think like this, but . . . The Purdue QB is not nearly as bad as Wisconsin made him look, he has good RBs and WRs and we now have proof positive (i.e. Illinois) that the best thing in all the world for a struggling offense is to see the winged helmets on defense.
I am shaken to the core here fellas and agree completely with Brian that the light is not at all at the end of the tunnel and we can and should ask NOW whether Rich is the right guy.
i love that you have a sig quote like "we play four quarters," and you're wondering whether "rich rod is the right guy" less than two seasons into his tenure.
I think that was one of the main points of Brian's post and all I'm saying is that I agree with him that it's not too early to wonder BASED ON DATA TO DATE.
My sig line is actually a repeated quote by a Notre Dame fan at this year's game.
Long Dong Silver feels our pain.
(I don't know why, I just thought this post required a shout out.)
I'm imagining Kelly Hu working some Chinese healing hands on my ...
Ohhhhh yeaaaaahhhhhh, right there....
As a seminary grad, "soul dong" isn't that far-fetched. There are references in the New Testament to a "circumcision of the heart." In this vein, a win over Purdue would be a very kind cut indeed. And thanks for a very clear-headed post.
Brian, you put words to my pain so eloquently.
As for the situation with this team.
We knew at the beginning of the year that the D was going to be a weakness. I feel like they have played fine and do not blame them for the loss. As bad as they were, this was always a team that would need to put up points and get help from special teams to win. All those trips to the red zone with very few points and the three and outs killed our D, not to mention the turnovers.
The record is better than I expected. I predicted a 5-7 and felt like winning our last game of the year would constitute a good season. At this point it means a bowl win and I would still be happy with that.
I figured we'd lose to ND, but we won. I thought we'd lose to Illinois(but I didn't think they were going to be this bad). My question is, why are people so surprised by the way the season has gone? Didn't you look at the schedule and just know that we were going to be overhyped coming into October. Three of our first four games were against chumps. The ND win felt great but every year we win one we probably shouldn't (Wisconsin last year for example) and lose one we shouldn't (Toledo).
Where were the 7-5 predictions coming from if not assuming we'd start out hot and cool off late? Didn't most 7-5 predictors assume going 1-2 over our last 3 games. That means we have one more loss than expected. Losing to Illinois is not that big of a deal. It shouldn't even be that surprising.
Yes, the manner in which we lost is very disturbing. It felt like we quit. And it seemed like every facet of our play (including Zoltan!) fell apart. I am with Brian and have started to wonder to myself if Rodriguez will really take the program where we all want it to be. Two more wins this season though and I will call it a resounding success.
One bad loss, no matter how horrifying, shouldn't distract from the fact that there is hope for the future. One more regular season win and then a win in a bowl game and we are on schedule in my opinion. I will be at the Purdue game cheering my ass off. Hope to see you there.
This game is going to tell us everything we need to know about this team. We will find out if they are hungry or have given up on the season.
He HEARTS Keith Nichols
Re: the dong punch, I think that it's ridiculous. I want more proof, perhaps a video from another angle. Because what I saw was Liuget pushing his junk into Ortmann's face as if to say, "You suck on my dick, bitch!" So now he's also a misogynist. If you're shoving your crotch into the face of an opposing player whose offense just blew (no pun intended) another chance to score and you won't stop, what the hell else do you expect to happen? Ortmann had every right to move Ortmann's crotch out of his face. And so what if he possibly did a little more than move Liuget's junk out of his face.
I just saw the video of Liuget pushing Nichols' face into the ground and it only confirms to me that Liuget is a punk. (Coach Dantonio-Bag's response: "Oh yeah? Well the look I saw on the Michigan players' face said 'Oh no we just got beat by Illinois again.'")
Given the general douchiness of Zook, his players, and the Illinois fans, I would say that the characterization sounds about right and demnostrates what you can expect from those philistines in Churbana.
I'm seriously close to writing this blog off. Questioning a coaching staff in year two when the previous coaching staff left the cupboard bare or if your nice, very questionable, is ridiculous. I'm not sure what to do with the idea that one of my favorite sites on the internet is going rogue and helping fuel crazy talk.
if you think Brian is contributing to that atmosphere.