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The Only Thing Corey Liuget And I Will Ever Have In Common

By Brian — November 2nd, 2009 at 11:47 AM — 114 comments
Filed under:
  • 100% worst thing ever
  • column-type things
  • dolphin punch
  • game columns
  • illinois

10/31/2009 – Michigan 13, Illinois 38 – 5-4, 1-4 Big Ten

image image

To paint with broad strokes, I probably don't have much in common with 6'3", 290 pound black guys from Miami who think it's a good idea to play for Ron Zook. Our worlds are unlikely to intersect at a Lil Wayne show or the Ann Arbor Film Festival. Cory Liuget has probably never thought to himself "that reminds me of a Morrissey song." Of late, I think that all the time.

But at around 6:30 on October 31st, 2009, we both felt like we had been punched in the dong. In Liuget's case, this is because he had been punched in the dong:

In my case, and probably in yours, you had not actually been punched in the dong unless you had decided at some point that going outside with your buddies and punching each other in the dongs was preferable to watch the metaphorical dong-punching that started when Roy Roundtree's knee hit the ground at the one yard line and has not, to my knowledge, stopped. If you managed to miss this play and its aftermath because you were outside getting punched in the dong, congratulations: this is the one and only time when your decision-making skills will ever be regarded above average. Punch yourself in the dong in celebration.

Liuget got off easy. He was wearing a cup. My soul-dong has no cup, and it's taken a mighty battering in the last couple of years. Weary, bepunched, bruised, bepunched some more, the soul-dong cries out: why, gods who dictate which ghostly shadow genitalia get the full America's Funniest Home Videos treatment,  have you chosen these dongs for maximum severe extreme punishment?

In the end, it doesn't matter. It just hurts when you don't move carefully.

------------------------------------------

dongs

------------------------------------------

You probably think I'm done with this riff on dong-punching. You get the dashes and the topic changes and then the topic comes back around to the previous item by the end of the column, with maybe some more dashes indicating where you should be prepared to shift thoughts. This, surely, is where a sentence can go by without the author mentioning someone getting punched in the dong.

No: the dongs. They are punched. This is what Michigan football has been since about the instant Drew Henson decided to take millions of dollars from the Yankees: the constant struggle to get your dong punched in new and interesting ways. Super-recruit quarterback leaves before senior year: kapow. New, wholly obscure Ohio State coach from I-AA is the anti-Cooper: tiger PUNCH. 2005: E. Honda hundred-hand-slaps your jibbly bits. 2006: more of a Tekken unblockable thunderfist with a huge-long windup that you think is going to be awesome until you fail to dodge the full testicle-crushing force of the blow and end up flat against the wall. 2007: Jack Bauer finds the bomb, finds it's a ridiculously tiny nuclear device, and decides to screw with you by placing it in the appropriate place before the Horror.  2008: A hundred E. Hondas hundred-hand-slapping your scrotum for three straight months.

2009 can be seen above: SURPRISE! You, Corey Liuget, think your dong is unthreatened late in a game you've turned into a blowout. You are wrong, and E. Honda shows up 75% through the damn thing just to give you dangly punishment.

As per usual.

-----------------------------------------

DONGZ

-----------------------------------------

Here we are, gingerly attempting to sit down without having any part of our anatomy brush up against other parts of our anatomy. Things just got raw, yo. Every place on the internet that didn't immediately repeal the first amendment(!!!) is burning.

I've been watching the same stuff everyone has for 1.5 years and here's where I am: it's blindingly obvious that some portion of the suck is Rodriguez's doing. After that huge reversal of fortune you have to back down from any previous stances you have about the program, its progress, and etc etc etc. That is a game-changing event. That game turned "Rich Rodriguez flames out in three years" at Michigan from a laughable notion to a possible one. Distantly possible, but possible.

I'm not sure what the suck is and how much can be laid on the current coaching staff. The Shafer hire was a poor one. Past that, the last couple years have featured four quarterbacks that were either freshmen or walk-ons, a disaster of an offensive line, and a defense that actually saw two walk-ons start against Illinois because they were preferable to the alternatives. I don't know if that's Jay Hopson's fault or just crappy luck that you're starting a guy who would never see the field because the options behind him are so poor.

I still think we aren't anywhere near the point at which we can chuck out Rodriguez's stellar previous track record. That is not an accident. The previous coaching staff was responsible for The Horror and was attempting to position Mike DeBord as a legitimate in-house candidate, so it's not like the vast program-killing screwup that is the defensive recruiting is an huge outlier in judgment.

On the 70-yard touchdown that put Illinois in the lead for good, two players were largely responsible: Leach got dragged out of position expecting a stretch and Kovacs took what he thought was a good angle but was not because he is a freshman walk-on. There are a lot of problems with the program that no one could deal with.

Rodriguez will be back next year with a mandate to get to a mediocre bowl, and he'll be under pressure to produce a serious team in year four. My confidence that he'll do that is waning. There's not much that would improve the situation; as we've seen the last two years, program continuity is a huge factor in any football team's success. Firing Rodriguez before he's thoroughly proven he can't make it work here is going to make the previous suffering in vain.

That's where I am. If you're elsewhere, fine, I can understand that after the huge reversal the past couple weeks. Before the 2008 season I dug out that picture of Bo and Canham and Bump Elliot and placed the fanbase in the center of it:

bobumpdon_thumb We are all Don Canham now. Rich Rodriguez comes in with a wildly successful pedigree but promises to finally tear down the culture of Bo’s program, to replace it with something uncertain. This has caused apprehension in some, joy in others, and disdain verging on hatred in a select group.

The program risks changing into something people drift away from because it has drifted from them, or, worse, something that you only wish you could drift away from. It also promises fireworks and fun and victory and a feeling that’s something other than that thing we’ve felt so much before. Other fanbases go through this every five or ten or fifteen years; for us it’s been 40.

I could welcome it, I guess, or celebrate it, or proclaim inevitable dominion over the land. But I don’t feel like it. Nor do I feel like fretting over imaginary scandals future. Like Canham, I just hope it works.

I still hope it works. It's getting harder to think it will. Next year will tell the tale.

BULLETS

  • Michigan should prepare for an Ortmann suspension. Omameh is probably the guy who draws in, but he's been practicing at right tackle. Ricky Barnum is the nominal backup left tackle if the Baby Seal U game is an indication, but I don't think he's left tackle material; the real backups at tackle are redshirting.
  • Michigan's losing their composure, yes, and it's clear there's a cultural divide on the team between guys like Odoms, who know from rough, and Carr holdovers who still seem pissed that this is what they got when it's not what they signed up for.
  • Holy hell: turnovers. I'd mentioned this before but here's a useful diary post from Enjoy Life on Rodriguez's turnover history. It's ridiculous:

    WVU

    INT

    FL

    Tot

    Opp Int

    Opp FL

    Opp Tot

    TOM

    2001

    19

    13

    32

    11

    13

    24

    -8

    2002

    9

    6

    15

    19

    15

    34

    +19

    2003

    8

    12

    20

    21

    15

    36

    +16

    2004

    11

    11

    22

    16

    9

    25

    +3

    2005

    7

    10

    17

    17

    14

    31

    +14

    2006

    8

    9

    17

    16

    8

    24

    +7

    2007

    6

    15

    21

    16

    18

    34

    +13

    Average/Game

    0.8

    0.9

    1.7

    1.3

    1.1

    2.4

    +0.7

    Aside from the ugly first year, West Virginia had a positive turnover margin every year of Rodriguez's reign, with double-digit years four out of six tries. It's not the system, and it's not the weather as it applies to the system—it gets cold and rainy in West Virginia, too. It's freshman quarterbacks and terrible defense.

  • Also holy hell: what a disaster Mike Patrick is. One: if our starting center was actually named "Mossman" he would a superhero capable of enmeshing opponents in his velcro-like grasp and Michigan's offensive line wouldn't fail to pass block against a terrible team that had no pass rush coming into the game. This was not an error. He and equally idiotic Craig James called him "Mossman" at least six times.

    Two: you just knew as soon as the goal line stand happened that the rest of the game would be Patrick and James going Favre on Terry Hawthorne tracking down Roundtree, and this they did, often failing to even describe the play in front of them in favor of yet more rapturous praise for Hawthorne. They should find whatever pasture they've put Maguire in and put Patrick in it, too. And then shoot it into space. It will be like the Little Prince!

    Three: this is not Patrick's fault but after a couple games on ABC that were beautifully directed, this one missed a half-dozen plays.

  • Mike Williams had edge responsibility time and again against Illinois and blew it when he wasn't getting blocked into the bench. He was spectacularly bad, just as he was against Iowa. I find it hard to believe Vlad Emilien is worse, and since he's played on special teams recently he's not getting a redshirt. Wonder if we see him a little bit more the rest of the season.
  • It's really obvious why they moved Woolfolk to safety in spring now. What a terrible feeling it must have been to watch these guys play in spring practice and know you were going to die in the fall.
  • Kovacs makes sense because there are literally no scholarship options at his spot other than Emilien and project true freshmen, but what is with Leach getting on the field in front of Fitzgerald or Demens? I'd say it's a failure to develop talent on the part of Hopson, but he's also the guy coaching Leach. All I know is that it's very bad when you have major recruits (Fitzgerald was just outside top 100 lists and Adam Patterson was a top-50 player) idling behind walk-ons.
  • What happened to Shaw? Undisclosed injury?
  • The offensive line's pass blocking is the biggest problem with the offense right now. Every week I go into UFR expecting that Forcier will have all these terrible scrambles and there's maybe one or two instances where it was optional. In all other cases, someone is bearing down on him. The line is getting crushed in the protection metric. I hope this is an effect of losing Molk more than anything else; also, Michigan doesn't have any options other than freshmen behind the starters now.
  • I got emails from people asking why they couldn't post stuff on the blog. How do you attempt to post something on the blog without reading the single paragraph post at the top of it that says you can't post? And should this be taken as evidence that the people in question should not be allowed to post anyway?
  • LVSC's initial opening line for the game: M –7. Vegas loled and set it at 3.5. But… hey… 3.5 point favorites! WOO MOTOR CITY.
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Posted on: November 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 AM #1
tecknogyk
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I'm seriously close to

I'm seriously close to writing this blog off. Questioning a coaching staff in year two when the previous coaching staff left the cupboard bare or if your nice, very questionable, is ridiculous. I'm not sure what to do with the idea that one of my favorite sites on the internet is going rogue and helping fuel crazy talk.

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Posted on: November 3rd, 2009 at 9:20 AM #2
wolverine1987
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You obviously need to retake reading comprehension

if you think Brian is contributing to that atmosphere.

MGoBlog "Circle Jerker"

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 10:53 PM #3
Tim Waymen
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Sane Waymen back?

Re: the dong punch, I think that it's ridiculous. I want more proof, perhaps a video from another angle. Because what I saw was Liuget pushing his junk into Ortmann's face as if to say, "You suck on my dick, bitch!" So now he's also a misogynist. If you're shoving your crotch into the face of an opposing player whose offense just blew (no pun intended) another chance to score and you won't stop, what the hell else do you expect to happen? Ortmann had every right to move Ortmann's crotch out of his face. And so what if he possibly did a little more than move Liuget's junk out of his face.

I just saw the video of Liuget pushing Nichols' face into the ground and it only confirms to me that Liuget is a punk. (Coach Dantonio-Bag's response: "Oh yeah? Well the look I saw on the Michigan players' face said 'Oh no we just got beat by Illinois again.'")

Given the general douchiness of Zook, his players, and the Illinois fans, I would say that the characterization sounds about right and demnostrates what you can expect from those philistines in Churbana.

So we can finally fly off into NASA

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 8:38 PM #4
MichiganAggie
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Why Ortmann did it:

He HEARTS Keith Nichols

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HMWMnjBHfY

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 4:59 PM #5
mgovictors23
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Purdue Game

This game is going to tell us everything we need to know about this team. We will find out if they are hungry or have given up on the season.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 PM #6
msoccer10
Joined: 2008-08-29
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Thanks

Brian, you put words to my pain so eloquently.

As for the situation with this team.

We knew at the beginning of the year that the D was going to be a weakness. I feel like they have played fine and do not blame them for the loss. As bad as they were, this was always a team that would need to put up points and get help from special teams to win. All those trips to the red zone with very few points and the three and outs killed our D, not to mention the turnovers.

The record is better than I expected. I predicted a 5-7 and felt like winning our last game of the year would constitute a good season. At this point it means a bowl win and I would still be happy with that.

I figured we'd lose to ND, but we won. I thought we'd lose to Illinois(but I didn't think they were going to be this bad). My question is, why are people so surprised by the way the season has gone? Didn't you look at the schedule and just know that we were going to be overhyped coming into October. Three of our first four games were against chumps. The ND win felt great but every year we win one we probably shouldn't (Wisconsin last year for example) and lose one we shouldn't (Toledo).

Where were the 7-5 predictions coming from if not assuming we'd start out hot and cool off late? Didn't most 7-5 predictors assume going 1-2 over our last 3 games. That means we have one more loss than expected. Losing to Illinois is not that big of a deal. It shouldn't even be that surprising.

Yes, the manner in which we lost is very disturbing. It felt like we quit. And it seemed like every facet of our play (including Zoltan!) fell apart. I am with Brian and have started to wonder to myself if Rodriguez will really take the program where we all want it to be. Two more wins this season though and I will call it a resounding success.

One bad loss, no matter how horrifying, shouldn't distract from the fact that there is hope for the future. One more regular season win and then a win in a bowl game and we are on schedule in my opinion. I will be at the Purdue game cheering my ass off. Hope to see you there.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:37 PM #7
Heinous Wagner
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Phallic theology

As a seminary grad, "soul dong" isn't that far-fetched. There are references in the New Testament to a "circumcision of the heart." In this vein, a win over Purdue would be a very kind cut indeed. And thanks for a very clear-headed post.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:52 PM #8
I Bleed Maize N Blue
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Long Dong Silver feels our

Long Dong Silver feels our pain.

(I don't know why, I just thought this post required a shout out.)

I'm imagining Kelly Hu working some Chinese healing hands on my ...

Ohhhhh yeaaaaahhhhhh, right there....

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:35 PM #9
UM Indy
Joined: 2009-03-05
Points: 526
Online
Tight

They KNOW they have to win this week against Purdue so they will be TIGHT and MISTAKE PRONE again this week. I give them NO shot at Wisconsin and only a small shot at home against Ohio State. I hate to be like this and to think like this, but . . . The Purdue QB is not nearly as bad as Wisconsin made him look, he has good RBs and WRs and we now have proof positive (i.e. Illinois) that the best thing in all the world for a struggling offense is to see the winged helmets on defense.

I am shaken to the core here fellas and agree completely with Brian that the light is not at all at the end of the tunnel and we can and should ask NOW whether Rich is the right guy.

"We play four quarters"

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:13 PM #10
matty blue
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great, just great...

i love that you have a sig quote like "we play four quarters," and you're wondering whether "rich rod is the right guy" less than two seasons into his tenure.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:27 PM #11
UM Indy
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Hmmmmm

I think that was one of the main points of Brian's post and all I'm saying is that I agree with him that it's not too early to wonder BASED ON DATA TO DATE.

My sig line is actually a repeated quote by a Notre Dame fan at this year's game.

"We play four quarters"

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:12 PM #12
pdxwolve
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The Freshman Wall

Great post. My question about the freshman wall: why does the talk only seem limited to quarterbacks? It seems a lot of our younger players have hit the proverbial wall, especially after the loss to Penn State. But have they quit? Have the seniors?

In the end, I think RR's tenure at UM could be defined by the next three games. If they lose them all, the demons of this year are coming back with a hideous vengeance. But if they drop turds in all three games, I'm worried about the offseason for RR. Not to be overdramatic, but we really need the bowl game this year.

Notre Dame had eight, nine years of true mediocrity, but that began with one and two years of mediocrity. Purdue game is HUGE.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:09 PM #13
mendrygal
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Ouch

I'm selling "Soul Dong" navy blue bracelets with 100% of the proceeds going to our defensive recruiting budget.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:03 PM #14
might and main
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Verily, Ortmann dinged the dong

Thank god for humor. A classic post Brian. Where is that list of all time classics for posterity's reference? Today's post belongs.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:03 PM #15
bouje
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I have been watching the MGoBlog video montage

Pre-season video all day. Re-watch it and it'll remind you what expectations were.

"A house divided against itself cannot stand"

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:47 PM #16
Shalom Lansky
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Not An Excuse

Trying to remember the pre-season expectations is a good coping mechanism but it does not, nor should it, excuse questionable play and or coaching. After 4-0 expectations rightfully changed. Expectations changed TOO much, that is for sure, but after 4-0, watching a team crumble as it did on Saturday is disturbing. This is more about means than end. Sure a 6-6 finish was expected at the beginning of the year but how you get to that destination matters. Even in August, while people would have accepted 6-6 I'm sure they wouldn't have been as understanding if you would've told them that 4-0 turned to 6-6 b/c the team regressed in all aspects. The record isn't the problem, it is the way the team is losing, breaking down in the most fundamental of ways.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:23 PM #17
Mat
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Really?

So if the team had beaten Illinois and lost to ND - both games were decided largely on a few plays here or there - everything would be OK with 5-4? I remember seeing a lot "breaking down in the most fundamental of ways" against ND too, but it was paired with a handful of big plays, beneficial calls, and overall good fortune. Nothings changed.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:35 PM #18
bronxblue
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Totally agree. And if this

Totally agree. And if this team finishes 7-5 with a win over Wiscy or OSU, will it be any different than if they had beaten Illinois. Right now, I'm just hoping this team goes to a bowl game; I could care less who they beat and lost to along the way.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:57 PM #19
Steve in PA
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Thank you Brian. You summed

Thank you Brian. You summed up what I, and most here are now feeling. Notice I didn't say thinking because after a mother-fucker of a dong punch like that thinking isn't possible until the swelling goes down.

All season long I've hung my hopes on the team getting better. I wasn't wrapped up in W's and L's and honestly just hoped to get to 6 wins and make a bowl regardless of how bad. The first 4 games didn't make me overconfident in that I thought we were a great team. Those games did however lower the floor from which I was judging whether this team is getting better or not.

MSU and Iowa, even though they were losses, felt strangely good. We didn't get blown out and this team of freshman and sophomores proved that they were capable of playing with real B10 teams. That's probably what makes the last 2 games suck more. Losing to Illinois, without a doubt the worst team in the B10, showed that maybe M is going backwards and not at a slow rate.

You're the first one that I've read that says it's OK to question RR. The rest of the big name posters have strongly opposed this. I don't want RR fired, but maybe some pressure will transfer to position coaches.

I do have to say that I'm not fond of RR's emotional outbursts and I don't think that a freshman that just screwed up on the field benefits from an asschewing on TV immediately after. The kid knows, we know, and his team knows. If the kid doesn't know he has no business being on the field. I've learned in my experience in coaching that some players respond to a arm around the shoulder and others need a kick in the ass, but either should always be done away from the public.

Anyway thanks for the post and tell your English profs they did a good job.

............
"Michigan fans will not like this, but Hopson’s defenses seemed to suffer from complete paralysis, mental and physical, against offenses that require more discipline than baseline reading and reacting." -Brian 12/17/2008

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:07 PM #20
bronxblue
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I agree with your sentiment,

I agree with your sentiment, but we shouldn't read too much into this loss. It was a team and QB that has given UM trouble for a couple of years (and even in 2007 when the team largely held him in check, he was terrifying and had a couple of instances where he nearly broke long runs). When UM beat ND early in the season, the general sentiment was be happy but don't read too much into the win because nobody knew how good ND was - and it has born out that they are a flawed team that always plays close games. I say, apply the same reserve now - Illinois has looked bad almost all year, but after being pummeled by OSU and PSU in consecutive weeks, they have at least looked passable the past few weeks against the likes of MSU, Purdue, and Indiana. UM is a 6-6, 7-5 team that, based on some luck and maturity, could be anywhere from 4-8 to 9-3. Kind of like most middling teams (i.e. MSU) - some years they catch a few breaks and make a News Years Day bowl; other years they have tough losses and finish 3-9.

I do see a maturation in this team, and while RR deserves some heat for some of his play-calling, he can only do so much with the pieces he has. At some point the Carr excuses will end, but right now I think this team is playing about as well as it can given its components.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:42 PM #21
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I do have to say that I'm not

I do have to say that I'm not fond of RR's emotional outbursts and I don't think that a freshman that just screwed up on the field benefits from an asschewing on TV immediately after.

I think that's a very underrated issue of concern about RR's leadership style. Chewing a kid out during a game on national TV is like your dad yelling at you at a dinner party in front of all the guests.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:17 PM #22
bronxblue
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I agree to an extent, but I

I agree to an extent, but I think people freak out too much about the yelling. Coaches do that all the time, and while I'm not a fan of mercilessly belittling a college kid, I don't think that is the case. RR was doing the same thing to the guys when they were winning, but it doesn't draw the ire of fans until the team loses. He sometimes chewed out guys on WVU when that team was going to BCS bowls, and Carr had his moments when Navarre or Manningham did something dumb. Until he starts calling kids out in the media or physically beating on guys, I do not think people should read that much into it.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:34 PM #23
OMG Shirtless
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Injured...Injured bad
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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:32 PM #24
A tree
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I relate to all of you.

This game was worse than that time a motherfucker hit me in the penis.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:01 PM #25
Tim Waymen
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dealing with the pain and embarrassment, emasculation

I hate my life. That sucked. It's depressing to think about. Let me tell you about female friends, or at least the ones you're not trying to sleep with. They put up with your brooding, at least until a certain point. If they love you because you somehow duped them into thinking you're a good, lovable man, then they will act like your sisters. We men absolutely need male friends (see I Love You, Man, 2008), but sometimes we need that female friend to whom we can expose ourselves as real pussies, like when a boss or a girl has made you feel inadequate. Obviously, this type of situation doesn't apply to me because I'm too busy having a very large scrotum, so it's a purely hypothetical case for me. I'm just speaking to the overall 21-century male experience.

Basically, the loss hurt my genitalia so that I could experience what it is you mere mortal men call "inadequacy." It forced me to express such despair and sadness that a female friend felt that I needed a hug. But not one just from her, but from her boyfriend as well. In this case, however, they work as a team. She's not really into sports, but he is a dude so he can explain my despair to her because deep down inside, it hurts him to see a fellow sports fan in pain, unless he is a fan of a rival, in which case he is a douche.

The boyfriend/husband who you're friends with. If you're like me, you got close to his gf/wife because of him and not the other way around, so there's nothing really strange going on yet you still feel the need to prove that your relationship with his gf is purely platonic, even though his gf is a heaven-sent wingwoman and is responsible for at least half of your sex life, including that cute bridesmaid in the gorgeously revealing dress whom the woman-friend got you to go home with from her own wedding to male friend, not before you and bedmate-to-be are both hugged by the officiating rabbi who is way too drunk to realize that what you're both about to do ain't exactly a mitzvah. Yes, taken female friends are definitely so much better than your homely single female friends whom you worry secretly love you and die a little bit inside when they hear about your shenanigans.

The point is, kids, women are lousy drivers but they still manage to make good friends, especially when your manhood has been stripped away by some she-devil or the team that you sacrifice so much for, and can be invaluable wingpeople, but only if they love you enough in a purely platonic way.....even if you did hook up that one time and promised never to speak about it again. THE END.

So we can finally fly off into NASA

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:52 PM #26
FrankMurphy
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You're supposed to peel the

You're supposed to peel the aluminum foil off the burrito before you eat it.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:46 PM #27
imafreak1
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amirite?

I'm not really sure where you're going with much of this post but you had a 3 way with guy and his girlfriend--right?

Give it to Wheatley!

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 5:50 PM #28
Tim Waymen
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Have you people learned

Have you people learned nothing from being sports fans? The point of all this is that there is no point. All we are is dust in the wind and stuff like that. A piece of me died the moment that App St blocked what should have been a game-(and season- but not reputation-)saving FG.

It should have been painfully clear from the moment Tony Gonzalez had that miracle catch against us in 2005 that all my love affair with Michigan football would ever bring me was heartache and broken dreams. And goddamn if it hasn't been worth it, because I continue to love and hate every moment of it. Because for every meltdown-inducing moment, there is that instant of absolute elation that results from a last-second TD, walk-off homerun, clutch interception, or just winning the big game, as well as all the fond memories of watching your team with your friends.

Shit, I think I'm turning into Ellipses Man. I guess that's what losing to Illinois has done to me. (For the record, a lot of this is joking around, but that game really did suck.)

Oh yeah, and no threesome. Threesome with 2 guys runs too much of a risk of your swords crossing. Plus it's kinda gay.

So we can finally fly off into NASA

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:06 PM #29
WeaponX
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Chicken soup for the soul dong

I'm not totally 100% certain I really know exactly what you are talking about right here, but it was still grandfockingbrilliant.

Pure chicken soup for my soul dong right there.

"I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do...isn't very nice."--Wolverine

SNIKT!

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:27 PM #30
tacar
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birdhouse in your soul-dong

Nice.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:21 PM #31
Yinka Double Dare
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Not to put too fine a point on it

Make a litle birdhouse in your soul-dong.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:17 PM #32
aawolve
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My soul-dong

is hurting something bad right now. My soul-juevos are swollen to the size of casaba melons from that axe kick to the junkpile on Saturday.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:16 PM #33
Wolverine In Exile
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Dong-a-rific

Leave it to Brian to adequately express how I feel right now and on Saturday. This was as disappointing a loss to me right now as any I've watched-- including 2002 Iowa and 1998 Syracuse. This even approaches THE HORROR on some levels, b/c even thought I knew we're supposed to beat Appy St, they did run the spread, they were defending national champs, and we had a D with significant holes- I still chalk that one up to Bill Martin/Lloyd's scheduling. But this one hurts, b/c it shakes the foundation that I had in RichRod. I now need to see a Purdue victory, and at least competitiveness in Wiscy and Ohio St to justify moving forward with this revolution. Otherwise, next year is a 12 game job interview and firing is a distinct possibility.

"So I come out of Ohio Stadium after we beat the Buckeyes, and right there on the hood of my friend's car, some one took a dump, in the shape of an 'O'. no shit. Oh, sorry, bad pun."

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:15 PM #34
bronxblue
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While I usually agree with

While I usually agree with Brian's sentiment after losses, I take issue with the level of dismay found here. At the beginning of the season, people expected this team to go anywhere from 6-6 to 8-4, with 7-5 being the most common.

Right now, the team is 5-4 after losing the only game this season that the team "should" have won (and even that is a stretch considering just paper Illinois has been to UM's rock over the years). Sure, beating ND was a nice upset, but beyond that the team has played exactly as people expected at the beginning of the year.

The defense has been horrible, and the offense has been erratic with two freshmen QBs, a dinged-up feature back (Minor), injuries on the line, and a mediocre WR core. Outside of the two QBs and a couple of flame-outs on defense, I do not see RR having much control over these factors that led to such a bad team. And for all those who point to his second year at WVU as the expected uptick in results, let's not act like they were world-beaters. They beat two ranked teams, one being a Hokie squad that finished 3-4 in the Big East and a Pitt team whose only win over a ranked opponent was to the aforementioned Hokies. It was a team that was crushed by good teams and generally won close games against mediocre teams.

I guess my point is that nothing positive comes from over-analyzing this game. This team has had a horrible defense all year, and Saturday Juice Williams was able to exploit it. Illinois has a good offense on paper, and all week long the concern was that talented offenses sometimes find horrible weeks to show up. Look at Minnesota this week - the last 3 weeks combined they scored 27 points. Saturday? 42. Stuff happens, and while it sucks to be on the receiving end, that's life.

The offense is light-years ahead of where it was last year, and will return the vast majority of the players next year, with more seasoning and a larger playbook. The defense will lose Graham, Brown, and maybe Warren, but they at least return a DC and guys like Roh, Martin, and Campbell on the line along with some redshirts in the secondary. While I doubt the defense will improve as much as the offense did the next year under RR, GERG should have them playing a little better or, at the very least, have a year to fashion a scheme that covers up its inequities better.

Maybe it is the optimist in me, but bitching about the coach after less than 2 years helps no one, and only feeds the controversy and bad vibe surrounding this program. I am not saying people need to be blind to the failings of the team, but buying stock in Ann Arbor Torch and Pitchfork isn't helping the situation either. Neg me if you want, but 5-4 with losses @MSU, @Illinois, @Iowa and home to PSU doesn't look as bad as to me as we are acting right now, blowout or not.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:36 PM #35
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I remain optimistic

but the offense, at this point in the season, is not "light years" ahead of where it was last year. In fact, I would argue that after a fast start, they are in approximately the same place... which is obviously not a particularly good place. There are many reasons for this and great diaries explaining them all, but at the end of the day this is still RR's team and we look like crap at this juncture.

For the 8 billionth time, here's hoping we beat Purdue and find some way to turn this ship around.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:54 PM #36
los barcos
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i would agree

we've definitely improved, but sub out utah for western and deleware st for toledo and the improvements this team has made might not be as drastic to deem it "light years" ahead of where we were.

lloyd was better.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:34 PM #37
bronxblue
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Last year's offense was 109th

Last year's offense was 109th overall; this year, they are 39th. I understand the consternation, and maybe "light years" is a bit strong, but certainly vastly improved from last year. Plus, this year at least is one the team can grow on, since outside of Brown, Minor and Mathews most of the major pieces will be back next year. Last year, you saw Sheridan and Threet struggle and you realized that it would happen again next year, only this time with freshmen. Next year Tate will be a year farther along in the offense and the playbook should expand. DR, who is effectively a RB this year, will be a real dual threat next year with a greater understanding of the offense. Guys like Shaw and Smith should be able to replace the production of Brown and Minor somewhat, and guys like Drake should provide even more depth as freshmen. A healthy Molk will be back along with some added depth from the recent OL hauls, and Wr-palooza in recruiting should hopefully pay some dividends. I may be bullish on the offense this year, and I'm sure the defense will continue to be below average, but there are still 3 winnable games on the schedule, including two home contests. Call me crazy, but I don't see this team continuing to slide.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 3:41 PM #38
Mat
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Progress

Totally agree that it is being made relative to last year. To argue otherwise is preposterous.

That said, the case for improvement for next season shouldn't be overstated. Denard will probably still be one-dimensional. Tate will probably still fumble and make bad decisions and look uncomfortable in the cold. Yeah, the OL should be better and the talent at WR should pick up. Yeah, 3rd year in the system. We should be better but if we start heaping ridiculous expectations on the team we'll get...well, the reaction to this illinois game again.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:14 PM #39
Yostal
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Mr. Numb Existence

I was watching the game on Saturday and I couldn't even get angry, or frustrated, or pissed. All I could muster was sadness. I want to be frustrated, but that would mean I have expectations for the defense beyond playing soft coverage and missing at least one tackle a sequence.

Where do we go from here is simple, finish the season, hopefully get some extra practice time from a bowl bid, and work on next year and hope it goes better the next time around. But really, this is how I've felt since Iowa, so maybe that's just being ahead of the curve.

Craig Barker || The Hoover Street Rag || Twitter

"The Michigan fanbase: a cynical, Eeyorish bunch even in the best of times."--Doug Gillett

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:22 PM #40
Ryano
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The only thing I could think of ...

... was "Sometimes when you are off, you are Really fucking off."

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:12 PM #41
ggoodness56
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In college....

I was dating a spicy Mexican who once kicked me in the dong with high heels on. She kicked the tip. Your story reminded me of Satan's daughter.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:11 PM #42
J.W. Wells Co.
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The Power of Suggestion.

My dong actually hurts after reading this.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:09 PM #43
matty blue
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again, alternate universes, etc....

...but i think the score is reversed if roundtree gets in. illinois is 100% quit, if you step on them at the right time. we didn't, and they didn't.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:09 PM #44
wolverine1987
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Patrick and James

I normally find myself agreeing with Brian, but regarding Patrick and James: I think they are WAY better than Millen and McDonough, who are ahead of them in the ABC rotation. I'd much rather hear Patrick/James than those guys.

Millen before the PSU game: "I think Tate Forcier is the best QB in the Big Ten." McDonough: (paraphrasing) "I might be inclined to agree." I thought to myself right after that comment that this was a bad omen

MGoBlog "Circle Jerker"

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 PM #45
Don
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Questions I need to know the answer to

Does my soul have a dong, or is it that my dong has a soul? That will determine how large a cup I'm going to get.

And what about Seoul-Dong... is that a spicy Korean dish?

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 PM #46
Wazoo
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Bag tag

Bo wanted the program to be run subject to the "Winning with Integrity" philosophy, but I guess that doesn't apply when you are losing. They better have something new up their sleeves for OSU, but I'm not holding my breath.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:39 PM #47
ColoradoBlue
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This comment makes no sense.

Are you referring to Ortmann's (apparent) jab as a lack of integrity... after 350lbs of jackass attempts for force his manhood down Mark's throat? Ortmann is, perhaps, one of the most stand-up guys on the team.

I eagerly await a defense to your suggestion of dishonesty.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 1:10 PM #48
matty blue
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?

who is suggesting that we try to win without integrity?

i'm not following.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:15 PM #49
Wazoo
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bag tag

There was no integrity on Ortmann's part. As Brian pointed out, he's probably looking at a game suspension, so he's not Mr. Innocent (even if the giblets were jingling in his face). If you don't think this isn't fodder for the rest of the Big Ten and college football (and rightfully so), I think you're kidding yourselves. If you can't beat em (no pun intended), tag em. If he's a stand up guy, Ortmann should have been bigger than that kind of crap. They should have pounded 93 into submission on the next series. The worst part (and I'm as guilty as anyone for posting on it) may be that there's not much to talk about after that game other than the bag tag. The only gratifiying thing to come out of the game is that they tagged a guy???? Ortmann should be having 6:00 AM sessions with RichRod at the Big House, a la Carr. Could have been a 15 yard penalty if it was seen, not that it would have mattered. He's got to stay disciplined. They all do. Agree with another poster that TWIS might be well deserved for UM this week.

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Posted on: November 2nd, 2009 at 2:33 PM #50
ColoradoBlue
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I still don't see how "integrity" has anything to do with it.

Perhaps you're just misusing the term - perhaps your using it in place of "class," or "honor" or something. But a lack of integrity (== dishonesty), doesn't fit here. The tag was pure heat-of-the-moment reaction - if you think it was premeditated, you're delusional. Whether the retaliation was appropriate for the infraction... probably not in a black-and-white world, but still subjective based on the colors you're wearing.

Whatever the case, I promise you that had that jackass pushed his pelvis in the face of one of Bo's players, the outcome would have been very similar. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Dan Dierdorf would have ripped that guy's manhood off completely.

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