Oh. My. God.

So, I graduated about two years ago. I still live in Ann Arbor. I still have friends who are students, so things sort of drift to me second and third hand, weeks after they happen. I have my finger on the pulse of someone who has his finger on the pulse of the University of Michigan. I have come to you today to talk about "facebook.com," which is sort of like Friendster. Only different. My interest in Friendster lasted just long enough to create a fake Lloyd Carr profile, but then I sort of drifted away. I didn't see the point. So I didn't understand what all the hoop-de-do was about "facebook," but my friends who are still in school reference it nearly as much as The Family Guy.

Then came yesterday. There has been discussion of Braylon Edwards on the RCMB lately, because they are bored and when you get bored on the RCMB it's time to trash Michigan. (Say what you want about the place, but it has its merits... minutes after someone posted a thread with the title "Why isn't anyone talking about Braylon Edwards being a headcase?" someone posted a thread titled "The official thread to talk about Braylon Edwards being a headcase.") Anyway, one of the BE threads had a mention that Braylon's "facebook" profile had a picture of him on his Bentley. So I, armed with an email address from the university which will never, ever expire, went ahead and signed up to see if this was in fact true.

And what do you know?

It is!

I thought this was odd. Why would Edwards have a facebook profile? Isn't he busy beating the crap out of sliced bread? Then I noticed a group called... "Michigan Football Players." No. It couldn't be. There is no frigging way.

Oh. My. God. Probably 70 to 80 percent of the football team has extensive facebook profiles. Garret Rivas is president of a group called "Henne's Hair." Gabe Watson is CEO. Braylon is a member of... "Braylon Edwards for Heisman." Prescott Burgess' girlfriend is unbelievably hot. A group called "Steve Breaston is my hero" is composed of about fifteen random Michigan students and... Gabe Watson. And then there's... this:

Sean Sanderson and Tom Berishaj Fan Club's Profile

Group Description: This group is dedicated to two of the most outstanding athletes to ever play Michigan Football.

Officers
#1 FAN Jeff Clancy
Berishaj autograph collecter Garrett Rivas
Sean Sanderson nutritionist Matt Studenski
Official Berishaj thigh massager Michael Mandich
Promotional Affairs Andy Stejskal

Words cannot possibly justify the way I felt, so let's just grab Tyler Ecker's profile photo:

Yes. That's exactly right. Thanks, Tyler.

And, though I knew what I was doing was definitely creepy, it sort of dawned on me that the whole enterprise was designed to facilitate, enhance, and provide creepy stalking opportunities to college students and that I still have my student ID, so I may as well stalk away.

I simply don't have time now to point out every bizarre, hilarious facebook artifact at the moment (I have 23 Internet Explorer windows open), but I promise that I will document these things in time, assuming I am not mysteriously assassinated for peeking INSIDE THE FORT or Lloyd doesn't just make everyone yank their profiles.

(Note for the fainthearted: in the interests of anthropological veracity or whatever, no editing will be done to what follows. Bad words appear! Hide the children!)

I will leave you with this, though... a snippet from Max Martin's profile. You can leave messages on people's profiles, sort of like Friendster testimonials. Michigan State offensive lineman Roland Martin left this beautiful sentiment:

fuck blue!!!!! GO GREEN!!!!
we goin to beat that ass this year and u no it nigga u watch
GO WHITE!!! Roland Martin #73 nigga ask about me!!!

Click on this profane haiku and it takes you to Martin's own profile, and... and... this...

Oh. My. God. I have to go have a lie down now.