"Though I received no official response to these sophisticated and elegant tweets to the Illini Athletic Department, I would like to think that Beckman spent the evening prank calling everyone in Illinois named George McLellan and then ordering an absurd amount of hats off an internet haberdashery to hoard in his home's hat annex."
UPDATE: I spilled a liquid on my laptop's keyboard. It reacted poorly; I tried to tell you this above. Instead of a mostly lucid, vaguely misspelled note the above happened on two keystrokes and then the post published itself. It was not an outpouring of existentialist dread at the coming D UFR.
Which aforementioned is delayed by all these shenanigans, naturally, and because the keyboard I'm now typing on is the size of a postcard, which slows the typing thing down. ETA: 1 or 1:30. Brace thyselves.