Good stuff as usual, BiSB.
TO THE HOT TAKE CANNON
National Signing Day still ongoing, but we already have a pretty good idea how things are going to play out.
6:00 a.m. - The sun has yet to rise in College Station, Texas. A lonely fax machine sits in Kevin Sumlin's office. There is no way for it to know the hell it is about to experience. It can't comprehend such things. It is just a machine.
7:10 a.m. - Brian Kelly receives his 100th Letter of Intent for 'Lennay Kekua,' to go along with 37 for 'Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend' and 6 for 'That Catfish chick.' "Very original, jackass," he thinks to himself. Kelly looks in his mini-fridge, but finds it empty. He calls up Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick, and threatens to leave for the NFL if Notre Dame doesn't pony up breakfast.
7:13 a.m. - An out-of-breath Swarbrick arrives with an Egg McMuffin. Kelly grunts a half-hearted, "okay I'll stay."
Om nom nom
7:44 a.m. - Out of absolutely nowhere, damn near every five-star recruit in the country commits to Ole Miss. Yep. Ole Miss. This is in no way suspicious. Stuff like this happens occasionally; the best players in the country will sometimes all decide, basically at the same time, to attend the same school, even if that school hasn’t won its conference since the Kennedy Administration. Why are you so suspicious of this? Just because Ole Miss is 13-24 (and 4-21 in conference) over the last three seasons? Or because Ole Miss has never been ranked higher than 15th in Rivals’ rankings? Or because one of their five-star recruits tweeted out a picture of a pile of cash recently? That’s all just circumstantial evidence, man.
8:02 a.m. - Michigan blog circles awaken, but unlike most are unconcerned with the events of this day. For you see, Michigan is different than the other schools, who view the purpose of recruiting as stockpiling talent and accumulating star ratings. Michigan is not concerned with such things. Michigan attempts to accumulate Michigan Men. Men who think only of the team. The team, the team, the team. And though they are few in number, their moral standing and forthright character will make them superior athletes, scholars, and gentlemen at the end of the day. Some players may be more highly ranked than these Michigan Men, but those rankings do not capture the essence of teamsmanship and sportitude that make these Michigan Men special. And though those more highly ranked players may choose other schools, in doing so they demonstrate that they are, in fact, not Michigan Men, and were therefore unworthy to don the winged helmet. Those who stay, gentlemen. Those who stay.
8:12 a.m. - Word hits Michigan blog circles that Derrick Green has submitted his LOI. Michigan fans respond with a "WOOOOOOO FIVE STAR RUNNING BACKS BABY!!! OUR CLASS KICKS YOUR CLASS'S THREE-STAR ASS. SUCK IT, DANTONIO. NUMBER ONE!!!"
8:54 a.m. - A kid with discernable football talent sends his paperwork to Colorado. All are confused.
Did… did you watch the last few years?
9:10 a.m. - ..."What is this madness?" wonders the poor fax machine. He has not stopped churning for a moment. He is on his third drum of toner and sixth ream of paper, and there seems to be no end in sight. There is no time to contemplate the greater meaning, however, as another fax is coming in...
9:36 a.m. - A bright-eyed and talented young running back from Iowa beams ear-to-ear as he hands his paperwork to his high school athletic director. "Send this to the attention of Kirk Ferentz at this number, please," he says. As the fax machine starts to whir, the young man feels a strange twinge in his right knee, and he suddenly senses that someone, or something, is behind him. He turns, but nothing is there. He shrugs and laughs it off. Alas, it is too late for him already.
10:01 a.m. - Urban Meyer enters his office to gaze upon the hundreds and hundreds of LOIs on his desk. Seemingly every major recruit in the country, including those who already enrolled early at other schools, has sent their pledge to Ohio State. Meyer feels a touch of guilt for having not explained better to all of these young men that most of their offers were not "committable." Meyer sifts through the pile for the letters from the 21 kids he really wanted, and places the rest of them in the recycling bin.
11:53 p.m. - Mark Dantonio picks up... you know what? No one really cares.
File Photo. I think. I didn’t look very hard.
12:01 p.m. - Brian Kelly calls Jack Swarbrick and and informs him that he is considering leaving to coach the Baltimore Orioles, and that he is rather hungry.
12:07 p.m. - Swarbrick arrives with a chicken carbonara sandwich from Quiznos. Kelly reaffirms that he is still completely devoted to Notre Dame.
12:47 p.m. - Bo Pelini receives a letter of intent from a highly touted defensive lineman. Pelini immediately calls the young man and berates him for 20 minutes for his inexcusable penmanship.
YOUR Fs LOOK LIKE F***ING Ts. AND HOW THE HELL IS THAT A D?
2:17 p.m. - In Tuscaloosa, a dozen non-contributing underclassmen and a handful of oft-injured juniors are asked to load all of their equipment onto a truck as part of a "new drill." They don't suspect anything, despite the fact that their first task upon arriving at Alabama had been to unload about a dozen sets of football pads and other equipment from a truck very much like this one.
2:58 p.m. - A Tennessee commit tells local reporters how excited he is to compete for an SEC Championship. No one has the heart to tell him.
3:39 p.m. - ... Too much. This is simply too much. His motherboard smoking, his outer shell warped from the heat, the poor fax machine longs for the sweet release of death. They are coming slower now, but the short break between letters only offers cruel hope that maybe, just maybe, the the previous letter will have been the last. And yet, each respite is interrupted by OH COME ON, WHO THE HELL NEEDS THIS MANY WIDE RECEIVERS?
4:11 p.m. - In West Lafayette, Darrell Hazell hears the knock on his office door that he has been dreading. Brady Hoke enters, walks to Hazell's desk, and picks up Hazell's pile of LOIs. Hoke thumbs through them slowly, removes one from the pile, folds it neatly, and places it in his pocket. Hazell starts to protest, but realizes the futility. Danny Hope had explained to him about the natural order of things. Hoke adjusts his wizard hat and leaves without a word. Hazell vows revenge, but deep down he fears he may just be fooling himself.
6:41 p.m. - Gus Malzahn once again checks the connection on his fax machine. Had he given his recruits the wrong fax number? I mean, he DID have some commitments, right?
Good stuff as usual, BiSB.
Pretty eventless day for Michigan, but that's probably ok and still will finish somewhere near the Top 5.
9:36 AM is creepy...
The fact that you're calling it 'pop-pop' let's me know that you're not ready for it.
The Purdue update is the best!
Someone needs to photoshop a wizard hat on Hoke.
Saban always loved "Black NSD's"...
This is fucking special. Nice work.
Delicious, my friend. Purely delicious.
This is gold Jerry, GOLD!
Caption under Brian Kelly is the best...."Om nom nom"....had me in stitches.
You can't end it yet! We still don't know what BK had for dinner.
Awesome. Perfect rundown of the day.
4:11 pm was absolutely EPIC...EPIC, I say.
God that was classic. All killer, no filler there.
So damn glad I wasn't taking a drink as I started to read this!
Somewhere a Nutt, a Dooley and a Czysnckzyck (yea, former Auburn coach) quietly ask each other, "How the heck did Freeze get them to actually remember a fax number ..."
"Attempted" comedy tag? Achieved, I'd say. The Pelini one was fucking gold.
Here's an overused gif for your trouble.
Excellent, excellent work.
I approve of your new role poster formerly known as BiSBiño.
Only thing missing was a Kiffin reference. Could maybe even have replaced Malzahn straight up.
I was reading this on the subway and just started laughing hysterically. The woman next to me slowly crept away from me.
That's The Michigan Difference.
My poor attempt to follow the masterpiece:
4:10 pm: For the 97th time Lane checks to make sure the fax machine is working. It is. He opens the USC rivals page... only to discover another 5 star has decommited and is going to Idaho. He slowly stands up, hands shaking. Filled with a rage he cannot control, Lane marches down the hall to scream at his recruiting coordinator. He opens the door, ready to scream.... and his dads empty office stares back at him.
Just wanted to commend you on a job well done. Hilarious and entertaining. Loved the 8:12 AM update.
This post was pure brilliance. I haven't laughed out loud so hard at work so many times in a long, long time! Bravo bisb!
That was one of the funniest posts I have read on this blog in a while - damn good stuff.
The Iowa / AIRBHG reference was just awesome.
Nothing about Kiffin and USC? Oh, I see...
Sometimes the low hanging fruit just isn't challenging enough to make it seem right.
Sorry, wrote it a few days ago before USC's class had completely turned to Kiffin.
Good stuff, well done BISB!
I enjoy mocking the things around me.
Sounds about right to me.
Funny stuff. Great job
That was just great work.
Unbelievable work. Tremendous!
This was worth the time made to create it. Thanks for the laughs
Good stuff BiSB!
Holy crap, that's some of the funniest stuff I've read on this blog in a while. The twinge at 9:36 was absolutely classic. 10:01 and 2:17 were all to close to the truth, making it even funnier.
Very VERY well done.
This is absolutely fantastic. Made my day.
Tip of the cap to your sir. Tip of the cap.
Wish I could upvote.
had to stop reading after the 12:47pm update, my co-workers were beginning to look worried.
This was way too funny to be able to pick a favorite! Love the specifics of food for BK, too.