Hokepoints: The 'How Big Ten Are You?' Test

As we enter the last season of the Big Ten as a natural twelve-team conference (er…) it is only natural that we begin to question exactly who's a "real" Big Ten of the Big Ten, and who ought be "the other four." With media days under way across the Midwest and 2014 recruiting now in full swing, the Big Ten coaches have begun the annual rite of playing up their school as the epitome of this great conference. To separate the contenders from the pretenders, in the great tradition of teen magazines, I have created a sort of test. Answer these 20 questions and find out if your school is the Real Bee-One-Gee:

1. After you joined the conference people commonly started calling it…

a) the Intercollegiate Conference of Faculty Representatives
b) the Western Conference
c) the Big [actual number of schools in the conference]
d) the Big11Ten
e) That league that's been arguing with Time Warner and running all those ads to call your cable company lately.

2. When it comes to finding a head coach the ideal candidate would be a man who…

a) was born into our program and will be content to stay here making $50k/year until his dying day.
b) can most plausibly be foisted on the fans without breaking the bank.
c) is the most Kirk Ferentz.
d) best embodies the traditions and ideals that contrast most sharply with the guy we just fired.
e) has already proven he can win at the highest collegiate levels, preferably coming off his obligatory two-year NFL excursion.

3. Our school is best known for growing ______.

a) leaders and legends in the weight room and in the community.
b) a new strain of pesticide-resistant turf
c) offensive linemen
d) pro-style quarterbacks
e) disillusionment in the NCAA, its rules, and its enforcement competency.

4. With 6 minutes left in the game you have the ball up a touchdown on your opponent's 37-yard-line, and it's 4th down and 7 to go. What do you do?

a) Run up the middle because that kills the most clock.
b) Punt and play defense.
c) Fake FG then pooch punt and to bury 'em on the 1.
d) Send in your kicker with thoughts of beautiful co-eds.
e) Send all your receivers on deep routes and tell your quarterback it's time to poop some magic.

5. You have just been informed that one of your players was ticketed for a DUI. Whom do you speak to first? (UPDATED)

a) The offending student.
b) The parents of the offending student.
c) The parole officer of the offending student.
d) The guy from the local police station who fixes these things.
e) The shady agent dude who sold you the student.

6. A fan of a rival school is Tweeting about how much your school sucks. What is your first/most typical reaction?

a) Tweeting? Is that one of those computer whatsit things? Sorry I don't have an iBay account.
b) Reference historical record against each other going back to that one period when your school was a national power.
c) Calmly explain that you take great pride in the tradition and history of your great school and the profound respect you have for this, the greatest rivalry in college sports in your opinion.
d) Demonstrate your unparalleled passion for your school: "YOUR/UR JUST JELLOUS!"
e) Wait, back up. We're rivals?

7. "Chicago's Big Ten team" refers to...

a) Northwestern
b) Illinois
c) The University of Chicago
d) Michigan
e) Notre Dame

8. The best example of a great rivalry trophy would be…

a) a piece of schlock we stole from the Paul Bunyan Museum that one road trip.
b) something we picked up at a farmers' fair 100 years ago, and had it bronzed when it started to smell funky (slab of bacon, whole pig, whole turtle).
c) something our "rival" left on the field (megaphone, shillelagh, spittoon, wooden bucket, water/Gatorade jug, house keys) when they skedaddled after that one time we beat/tied them.
d) an item we dug up at a Civil War site and have been fighting over since (tomahawk, top-hat, ship's bell, etc.)
e) something Jim Delany made up to explain why we have a protected game with someone 5 states away.

9. What is Notre Dame to you?

a) A great and important rivalry that dates back to the days of _____.
b) Another great university and football program with great tradition.
c) Mackerel-snappin' papists; after that Guy Fawkes incident I don't trust 'em. Heck, didya year they think "Bill Shakespeare" is a quarterback?
d) Any of several magnificent High Gothic cathedrals you will see on our world-class study abroad program to France.
e) A small, overrated private school for lazy rich kids in a train-stop rust belt town in Indiana, notable for operating since 1924 under the delusion that it's in Lower Manhattan.

10. The following word/phrase shall never depart your lips without the reverence of a thousand angels with very long trumpets:

a) Biofuels
b) Power
c) Degree
d) [Name of school]
e) The Percy Harvin role

[Jump: 10 more questions and scoring]

Reddit via 11W

11. Thing we are most ashamed of:

a) Repeated use of the forward pass.
b) Names on jerseys
c) That one time we discovered some of our players were smoking marijuana.
d) Believing, in the absence of clarification, that pre-practice stretching exercises could be counted as voluntary practice time.
e) Disloyal alumni

12. We never say "last Saturday of the regular season." Around here it's just called…
a) "the Game."
b) "the bye before Indianapolis."
c) "our last shot at bowl eligibility."
d) "basketball season."
e) "the end of the season—thx NCAA."

13. "My starting quarterback is not just a passer; he's also…

a) pre-med."
b) our captain and leader of our daily prayer meetings."
c) a professional baseball player."
d) still adjusting to our campus after transferring here because his previous school didn't offer a graduate degree in the Fundamentals of Cheese Science"*
e) our leading rusher."

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* I did an internet and still couldn't find a scientific word for cheesemaking/cheese science. Surely there must be one? Helpful people?

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1G. Your National Signing Day press release is most likely to mention…

a) the outstanding personal qualities of the fine young gentlemen you brought in this year.
b) that stars and the opinions of self-styled recruiting "gurus" don't mean diddly-squat next to your staff's ability to identify men who fit the model of a [your school] player.
c) your unparalleled focus on recruiting the very best in-state talent.
d) the moral superiority of building a class without poaching players from another coach.
e) what a crappy job everyone else in the conference did.

15. When you hear the chant "S-E-C"! what's the first thing that comes to your mind?

a) "Yeah, nail those evil stock market defrauders!"
b) '"Senior endymion center'? 'Sieves every chance?' Sorry, I've been in the West too long and don't know all of your CCHA chants yet."
c) "Those are the cheater$ who $tole all my wide receiver$!"
d) "Uncle! Give! Mercy! Ohfortheloveofchrist Nick Saban, have mercy!!!"
e) "Our goal every year is to play in the BCS Championship and we achieved that."

16. At our program, we believe that winning football games is secondary only to…

a) academics.
b) tradition.
c) basketball.
d) Jesus.
e) recruiting.

17. Our biggest rival is

a) Michigan!
b) Technically I'm supposed to say someone else but it's Michigan.
c) Probably Michigan or Ohio State.
d) Ohio.
e) Duke.

18. If you were put in charge of BTN programming you'd show _____ all day, every day.

a) Green Acres.
b) The big three: hockey, wrestling, and volleyball.
c) The greatest games of the 1990s.
d) The greatest games of the [last decade in which we were relevant]
e) Jersey Shore

19. Your roster proudly boasts more _____ than 95% of Division I schools

a) Civil Engineering majors
b) Fullbacks
c) Tight ends
d) Receivers under 5'11
e) Dropped assault charges

20. What is your definition of a "perfect season?"

a) Beat my rival, go to the Rose Bowl.
b) Win the national championship.
c) That thing Bob Griese's always going on about during our broadcasts.
d) Win the Coaches' Trophy.
e) Zero losses.

(Extra Credit): You came up with a nickname for yourself to remind people...

a) you've developed a lot of guys at a certain position (coaches count too)
b) placing an article before a proper noun is just good grammar.
c) you're the REAL school in your state/region/city.
d) it's not your fault there's no [position]s left on the roster; you recruited plenty!
e) your stadium's bigger than everyone else's.

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SCORING: Like a GPA: for every "a" give yourself 4 points, 3 points for every "b", 2 points for every "c", 1 point for "d", 0 points for "e". Then divide by 20.

If your result is:

3.0 to 4.0: TREMENDOUS! You are an exemplary Big Ten member. May you enjoy many 9-minute drives and tasteful sweaters on your march to academic excellence.

2.0 to 2.9: Satisfactory. You made the cut, although you may want to work on getting that offense more manly or start scaling back on coaching bonuses. You are now qualified to start a Twitter war with BHGP.

1.0 to 1.9: Needs work. Perhaps you joined recently. Or maybe you were with the conference from the start but then abandoned it over a scholarship/eligibility snit. Or you've been here for 50 years but just can't quite live up to the example of your elders. Either way you have some sowing to do. Yes: sowing, as in maybe instead of adding another 40,000 seats to your ridiculous stadium you're charging over $200/ticket for these days, try planting a crop.

0 to 0.9: Unacceptable. What are you even doing here? Your existence in this conference is solely to fulfill the purposes of the rest of us. For example you may be that one school we allow to flaunt its utter disregard for NCAA rules so we can have at least someone ranked along with the SEC schools (it would help if you'd beat them from time to time). Or else we suffer your presence only because you are situated near a large television market we greatly desire. You may be one of us, but you're not really One of Us.