I write this column every year: a plea for humans of the college football world to use clear language instead of the names they have for bowl games. Truthfully, a brand name for a bowl game communicates something, but think how much more accurately we could communicate if things like geographical location, history, traditions, and common, relatable experiences were more important than who pays the most.

I realize not everybody enjoys the ability to elegantly express ideas to other humans as much as I do, and that mercantile interests can be human interests as well. But since I started using language in my communication, I've experienced a 1000% improvement in comprehension, and I wanted to share that success story with you. Don't believe me? Here are some other humans who've benefited from this same extraordinary device:

: "Hello, I'm Steve, a relatable middle aged white man with the body, hairline, and lifestyle that other middle aged white men envy. My wife Janet and I are proud Bowling Green graduates and big fans of the Falcons. I wanted to get Janet a trip to BGSU's bowl game for Christmas, but when I triumphantly announced "We're going to the Raycom Media Camellia Bowl!" she was very confused. Then I discovered Talking Like a Human Being™, which taught me to tell Janet it's the "Camellia Bowl in Montgomery." Janet was thrilled, because the name communicated to her that we were going to a bowl game in Montgomery, and the flower association made it memorable!"

: "I'm Lewis, a non-threatening yet sexy young African-American businessman with perfect skin. My in-laws are coming to visit our tasteful suburban Atlanta home over Christmas, but they asked me to drive them to the airport the afternoon of December 31st. When I tried to explain that we would have to leave very early because of "Chick-fil-A Bowl" traffic, they thought I meant the South is just that insane over a fast food restaurant. But when I called it the "Peach Bowl," suddenly they could recognize the name of a big traditional football game that they've heard about since the late 1960s, and even offered to order a taxi so that I could stay home and watch it! Thanks, Talking Like a Human Being™!"

: "I'm Krista, a cute and friendly Minnesota undergrad. Men find me very attractive in an approachable way, and women want to be my friend because they wish they looked this good while rocking a knit scarf, high wool socks, and "" stickers on my cheeks. I was so totally stoked by my Gophers' great season, but when I told my girls we were going to the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl they were like "that's a crappy one" because until recently that meant the old Copper Bowl. So then I said it was "the old Capital One Bowl," but then they got even more confused because that's now the name of the Orange Bowl—you know, the BCS bowl in Miami that Big East teams used to go to. Then I discovered Talking Like a Human Being™. And once I said "Citrus Bowl" my friends knew that meant the bowl that 2nd place Big Ten teams go to, and they were more excited than that one time our sorority went ice skating with Goldy!"

: "I'm Batman. Specifically, I'm Batman from that 1990s Tim Burton movie with Jack Nicholson that hits all the nerd-nostalgia buttons for men between 25 and 40. When I say 'I'm Batman', people know that I'm Batman, because I've been calling myself Batman since 1939. Could you imagine if I was like: 'I'm Batman, presented by Vizio?' I'm sure I could make some money by doing that but to be honest I'm already filthy rich, and while Alfred assures me I could always use more money, I feel like the incremental revenue wouldn't be worth cheapening 75 years worth of brand equity. So I turned them down and went with Talking Like a Human Being™ instead. Because I'm Batman!"

[After the jump: bowl games in a human language, bowl logos without sponsors on them, and discussion on the whole title sponsorship business]

The Bowls:

They Call It	You Call it	Logo	Since	Pays	Date/Time
New Orleans	"		2001	500k	played 12/20
New Mexico	"		2006	456k	played 12/20
Las Vegas	"		1992	1.10M	played 12/20
Famous Idaho Potato	Potato		1997	325k	played 12/20
Camellia	or Montgomery		2014	?	played 12/20
Miami Beach	"		2014	?	played 12/22
Boca Raton	or Boca or FAU		2014	400k	played 12/23
Poinsettia	"		2005	500k	played 12/23
Popeyes	Bahamas		2014	?	Dec 24, Noon
Hawaii	or Aloha		2002	650k	Dec 24, 8p
Heart of Dallas	"		2010	800k	Dec 26, 1p
Quick Lane	Motor City		2014	1.20M	Dec 26, 4:30p
St. Petersburg	or Tampa II		2008	538k	Dec 26, 8p
Military	or D.C.		2008	1.00M	Dec 27, 1p
Sun	"		1934	2.00M	Dec 27, 2p
Independence	"		1976	1.15M	Dec 27, 3:30p
Pinstripe	"		2010	1.80M	Dec 27, 4:30p
Holiday	"		1978	2.08M	Dec 27, 8p
Liberty	"		1959	1.44M	Dec 29, 2p
Russell Athletic	Tangerine		1990	2.28M	Dec 29, 5:30p
Texas	or Bluebonnet		2006	1.70M	Dec 29, 9p
Music City	"		1998	1.84M	Dec 30, 3p
Belk	Queen City		2002	1.70M	Dec 30, 6:30p
Foster Farms	San Francisco		2002	838k	Dec 30, 10p
Peach	"		1968	3.97M	Dec31, 12:30p
Fiesta	"		1971	18.00M	Dec 31, 4p
Orange	"		1935	18.00M	Dec 31, 8p
Outback	or Hall of Fame		1986	3.50M	Jan 1, Noon
Citrus	"		1946	4.55M	Jan 1, 12:30p
Cotton	"		1937	3.63M	Jan 1, 12:30p
Rose	"		1902	18.00M	Jan 1, 5p
Sugar	"		1935	18.00M	Jan 1, 8:30p
Armed Forces	Fort Worth		2003	600k	Jan 2, Noon
Taxslayer	Gator		1945	3.50M	Jan 2, 3p
Alamo	"		1993	3.18M	Jan 2, 6:30p
Cactus	or Copper		1989	3.35M	Jan 2, 10p
Birmingham	"		2006	1.00M	Jan 3, Noon
GoDaddy	Mobile		1999	750k	Jan 4, 9p

Click each logo to get the full size. Use however you like. A couple bowls have higher payouts for one team; I used the highest amount.

They've gotten better

Yes they have! They absolutely have! Some of the really ridiculous names are gone now, or relegated to ignorable prefaces or suffixes; no coach or player to my knowledge this season announced their goal is to get to the [Name of Credit Card] Championship Game.

Degrees of Annoyance

The Peach Bowl's peach logo was slowly devoured until it was nothing.

Now it is back… as a robo-peach.

There are few major offenders left. The Detroit one should always be the Motor City Bowl, and likewise Queen City and Music City—nicknames for cities are representative of those cities. The Gator Bowl will always be the Gator Bowl. Small cities in Alabama are tough enough to keep track of without adding sponsor names to them.

Anyway the degree of annoyance of this year's bowl slate is 75% less than last year's, what with so many bowls going back to their city names.

To the inevitable person in the comments: I'm not against ads; I'm against selling things that aren't yours to sell.

Let's stop before here.

Yes, I sell the advertising on this site, and yes I sell ads in this space, and yes I'd be proud to talk to you in the comments about the standards I hold us to. Marketing is fine and important; like with anything there are limits of appropriateness.

What specifically bothers me about bowl game naming is the people doing the selling don't provide any product or service. If Chobani buys the "right" to name an Ann Arbor bowl game, what does the bowl game provide? The chief marketing service—name recognition—is done by the media, and by extension the public, as we talk about the Chobani Bowl.

It's not the bowls (let alone the teams in the bowls) who get paid the most by title sponsorships, but the TV stations who are broadcasting the games. They in turn package those ads with their regular programs so that it's impossible to separate the title sponsorships themselves from the ad package they were sold with. Over 70% of the revenue from title sponsorships last year went to ESPN, because ESPN sold the BCS bowl sponsorships on top of seven more games they own.

Language is public, or else it can't do the thing it does, which is help us communicate information to each other. If a sponsor (e.g. Outback)'s name has affixed itself to the general consciousness of that game, communication is served and there's no harm.

Degree of Importance

What you call a bowl game or what logo you use for it is at an importance level somewhere around the Legends jerseys, i.e. low. Even the most egregious examples are only minor annoyances to football fans, and I talk about it here because they're minor annoyances to football fans.

The sponsorship money, it's supposed, makes these games possible, but they don't really cover the payouts (that is on the organizers), and the schools, as detailed on this site before, tend to lose money on all the bowls below the $2 million payout line, what with being overcharged for flights and food and hotel rooms (which all kick back to the bowls). The sponsorship money itself mostly feeds the TV dudes. Other than the fun of playing in it for the players, the point of a small-time bowl game is to fill more TV slots with live football.

I like live football, and I'm all for college football players getting a free trip somewhere during Christmas Break, but I think they can do it without the incremental revenue of title sponsorships. If some bowls will die let them die. In their place I suggest, in the spirit of the original bowl games, allowing schools to simply host some friendlies on their own against opponents of interest. You've seen how good every team is by that point, so have the big-time bowls in the big time venues, and then let conference rivals on relatively equal footing face each other. Or let the conferences pick a weather-friendly venue and host a whole series of them.