A Guide To Bitching About Michigan Football

If you're going to do it, do it right.

DO bitch about Lloyd Carr playing his tight end with a cast on his hand simply because he's a senior. He can't block or catch.

DON'T bitch about Carr not playing Grady or Martin against Minnesota. Mike Hart didn't have an excessive number of carries and is obviously better than his backups. Given the overall crappiness of our offense we can't afford to yank Hart just because backup want a lolly.

DO bitch about the offensive line's complete inability to drive block a team of small children. There is no such thing as "push" on our offensive line unless we're playing MAC teams. Hart is our most effective runner because he's very effective running draws and can pick his way through tiny holes--which are the only holes available.

DON'T bitch about the Riley/Kolodziej combo at RT singlehandedly dragging our offense down. Long is out; Riley is a guard who is playing injured; Kolodziej had a mysterious illness that forced him to the hospital for a number of days and prevented him from practicing for a month. There's just no way any team could take those sorts of hits and still get anywhere near competent production from that position.

DO bitch about Carr's occasional ridiculous expectation-scorning decisions made because of a tiny chance of a big play, e.g., the pooched kickoff after Minnesota's good return in the second half last week. You can also bitch about Carr's thoroughly mediocre understanding of clock management.

I dunno; ask Google.

DON'T bitch about Carr's excessively conservative second-half playcalling costing us games. The ND, UW, and MSU games all opened up the second half with Henne throwing the ball, usually inaccurately or into the hands of the opponent. He's also gone for it on all the fourth downs he should have--it's actually been a radical improvement. Unfortunately it hasn't resulted in anything positive.

DO bitch about how there's no particular reason that Chad Henne should be getting so much slack from the coaches. Unless Gutierrez is simply incapable of playing, he should have made an appearance at some point in the UW or Minnesota games when it became clear that Henne was out of it.

DON'T bitch about how we never throw it over the middle. The routes in the passing game have been good enough to get guys open just fine. It's always easier to pick your spots along the sideline since most defenses have safeties patrolling the deep middle.

DO bitch about how our outside linebackers have absolutely no idea how to keep contain, or tackle, or take an angle, or shed a block.

DON'T bitch about David Harris.

DO bitch about how Jim Herrmann's affection for Charmin-soft zone defenses paired with three or four man rushes has made third and long an easy conversion for most of our opponents.

DON'T... no, I have nothing to defend the defensive playcalling, which has crumbled at every moment it's really been needed, sat in obvious, flaccid zones for the majority of the year and hasn't kept a single opposing ballcarrier under 100 yards other than EMU's cast of invalids and the Michigan State three-headed monster.

DO express concern about the state of the program and its direction.

DON'T puff yourself up as an insider and then drop vague hints about discontent within the program and double standards unless you're prepared to back it up with details. Otherwise you're okay with sounding like a petulant child.