And we need to get Brian a Pirate Ship
you're the mascot now, dog
Michigan's mascot should clearly be a giant middle finger named "Tradition." Imagine the photographs. This won't happen, though, because I've triple-trademarked the idea and will only sell it for one million dollars.
We'll have to crowdsource it, then. The Detroit News is way ahead of us, having already launched a contest and announced a winner, which is a werewolf in the #1 jersey. Braylon says this aggression will not stand.
VARIOUS WINGED-FACE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY FURRIES
It's like a normal mascot except the winged helmet is part of its head. Except for the one where it isn't, and that one doesn't even have a tail.
Pros: Ammunition for 4chan. Slight possibility meme launched. If actually named "Furriester" I will die laughing.
Cons: This is why you picked Michigan, so you could go to a sporting event without thinking of… the incident. It all comes rushing back now: one night in Venice with hairy thighs and scratch marks and shame imprinted on your soul. Shame deeper than the catacombs, broader than the sea, shame you ran and ran and ran from until you stopped, panting, in Ann Arbor.
I guess that's it, then. Time to buy some whiskey and a gun.
DO YOU LIKE FOOTBALL I LIKE FOOTBALL TOO I JUST WISH THEY WOULDN'T BE SO MEAN I LIKE NICEBALL WHICH IS LIKE FOOTBALL EXCEPT INSTEAD OF HITTING SOMEONE YOU GIVE THEM A LOLLY
Pros: Michigan becomes Japan's team, gets own video of hot girly pop stars frolicking with related paraphernalia.
Cons: Michigan's record under the watchful eye of Hello Wolverine will be 3-89 because he cries every time someone falls down.
WHERE THE WOLVERINE THINGS ARE
Mascot has a hissy pregame and flees to a world of his own devising containing 110,000 magical friends.
Pros: Canned music in stadium now exclusively Arcade Fire. Stadium becomes breathtaking wonderland of childhood delight…
Cons: …which falls apart as soon as someone takes a mud clod to the face, leaving everyone in the stadium a harrowed emotional wreck in need of some soup and a hug from mom.
Actually, this has already been our mascot for quite a while.
HELLO ANIME HORROR
It's incredibly cute for a demon, I'll give it that.
Pros: Dismembered Brutus one-ups the Ohio Bobcat, and according to Brady Hoke Ohio is our great and true nemesis.
Cons: Your soul is next.
PIG… WEREWOLF… CHEERLEADER… GUY
Pointy teeth: check. Bear ears: check. Bulbous nose: check. Tail: check. Are those horns? What is going on?
Pros: Block M on nose is consistent with branding initiative. May be able to lead locomotive cheer.
Cons: Is hideous interspecies mule that only wants two things: a Michigan victory and the sweet release of death.
CAT… DOG… CHEWBACCA… THING
Even its big weird clown shoes have teeth.
Pros: Seems happier about its status as a genetic outcast, at least. Downright jolly. Good at comforting: "yeah, we just lost to Ohio State for the million time in a row, but all of your chromosomes have matches! I wish I was so lucky."
Cons: Will rip your arm off if you beat it at chess.
NICE TRY, SUPERFAN
No, dude, seriously, even the winged helmet has wings. They're recursive wings. I'm totally not Batman.
Pros: Cheap. Recursive wings briefly stoke engineering interest. Is actually Batman so don't try anything, buddy.
Cons: Keeps cutting his feet off at the ankle when he tries to run. Camera flash reminds him of his parent's murder.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE
This is a skunk. It was submitted by someone in Ohio.
Pros: Might confuse Ohioans into killing and eating it. Hideously malformed right arm would give Michigan the nation's first handicapped mascot.
Cons: Everything else.
What's even friendlier than a live wolverine in a cage at a football game? A zombie version thereof.
Pros: Would forever end discussions about who has the manliest mascot in all the land. Forces band to play "Thriller" every home game. May distract Joe Paterno from games against Penn State as he seeks elusive zombie bestiality romance.
Cons: Zombie bestiality romance. 110,000 people plus one rabid zombie biting machine is pretty much asking for a zombie apocalypse. In the aftermath survivors would walk around screaming "we didn't listen."
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT, OR GENIUS?
If I had a pirate ship, this would be its flag.
Pros: It's original. I kind of want to put in in the store minus the lawyer-baiting block M. Could lure Mike Leach to campus to be the OC.
Cons: It's original because it is a Jolly Roger flag with a block M and a wolverine skull instead of, you know, a mascot. Unless it was Marvin Riedel's intent to make a Michigan mascot that was entirely notional, which… whoah. I'm feeling all deconstructed.
I vote for the giant, barely anthropomorphized block M:
Pros: Remove the eyes, pretend she's female, and call her "Emmy." I wouldn't even be mad about this. If Michigan had a giant, armless walking M accidentally smashing into cheerleader pyramids it would be awesome.
Cons: Is not giant middle finger named "Tradition."
We could always make the sept 17th game with Eastern the official play like a pirate football game. Regardless of the outcome of the mascot search, I say we make this flag and use for each football game that is closest to the "talk like a pirate day".
I ask: Is this a great blog entry? Or the greatest blog entry in the history of blogs?
Don't answer that. Because I am totally satisfied with my own immutable truth.
This is the greatest pirate-flagging, sword-swinging, mascot-hammering post in the whole history of blogs.
Yeah, I want that M pirate flag. Like yesterday. Like 50 years of yesterdays.
And if this doesn't drive a wooden stake through the wretched vampire heart of "Michigan Mascot," then let me loan you one of my anti-vampire-heart wooden stakes. And a hammer.
Going through these makes me want a Fandom Endurance Merit Badge.
The first one looks like it is pooping a football whilst standing.
That is all.
Thanks for making me laugh uncontrollably at work. Now people think I'm weird.
I was in an airport foodcourt with a very similar problem.
Ends the discussion over whether the mascot should/shouldn't wear pants.
I know you got married and all, but I suspect this is the best thing you've done all summer.
NOH! To mascots
The anime one is pretty awesome though!
The entire collection was actually pretty good! I was just making more a blanket statement. And really, I feel the attempted humor also made a serious point in that any attempt to formulate some kind of Wolverine Mascot, will work out just as well as the Hindenburg (and piss off the fan base, unless they're Bieber fans, then they'd probably love the Hello Wolverine one. :) )
then you had to go do this.........
AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!!
But that comma REALLY need to be after the "g" and before the "B"...because it sounds like you were doing something else...
"Pros: Ammunition for 4chan."
I'm (mostly) speechless
The Hello Wolverine cracks me up. Someone clearly found the oval tool on MS Paint and had an awesome evening.
Also that someone was 40 years older than I would have suspected.
47 years old. 47.
Why would one put one's name on that?
Are we the tailless cougars now?
I see.... Think he looks more like a badger.
Pig....guy - I picture him whispering "kill me" (both the character and the guy in the costume).
Undead - maybe too reflective of recent football history. Too much playing of "Zombie Nation".
Block M - I'll repeat, just to show Dave Brandon you CAN take a picture with a Block M.
You almost had me at our own J or K-Pop band....
Of searching kpop scandal, because it comes up with something NSFW different...in comic book form at that...
1. Luxury boxes and suites that ruined a perfect oval
2. RAWK music
3. Night games
4. "Throwback" jerseys
5. Bottles of water for $$$
6. A mascot
7. Losing 7 in a row to Ohio State
8. Advertising inside the stadium
I can live with the others, #7 makes me die a little bit.
6, 8, 7, 5, 2, 4, 3, 1.
6, 4, 8, 2, 5, 7, 1, 3
Fake throwback jerseys are essentially advertising for the company that makes them, but they're not just in the stadium, they're on the players.
I dislike any losses to OSU, but it's not like the series is 124-14 UM (although that would be fun), so obviously there have been losses before, even if not in such a long string. Besides, the way things are going, most of those will end up vacated anyway.
Forget the all-time series record. We're talking seven consecutive losses to OSU. That means multiple senior classes have now never beaten them. How can any of the other things on the list be worse than that? Those are like getting bitten by a mosquito. Losing to OSU is a root canal without novocaine.
Can we answer All of the Above?
Wait, but we didn't get on-field advertising. I am genuinely confused.
9. All of the above.
someone were to make the jolly roger flag, I would buy one now. I mean ilpmmediately.
That flag is now on my laptop for the background.
Agreed. Attention, Brian - seriously, put that in the store, we will all buy it!
This reminded me of http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule2 (NSFW language)
Count me in as another one who got many strange looks while reading this, awesome.
"May distract Joe Paterno from games against Penn State as he seeks elusive zombie bestiality romance"
Now that's hilarious!
Pros - good straigth line speed, although routes not polished; actually played college football in the 1930s;
Cons - speeding up of molecules often ruled a false start by dimwitted Big Ten Officiating crew; arch enemies start wave at inopportune times
Guy Gardner has at some continuity times played football for U-M; then sometimes the fictional M-U. And then other times not. BOOM, geek'd.
I swear, Bruce Madej, back when one of the other ill-fated mascot concepts (Wally the Wolverine?) was trotted out, stated "the only mascot we'd ever consider would be a dancing Block M."
Unless my memory is that bad...
Anyway, back to Emmy: Fishnets, high kicks, maybe a saucy beret jauntily tilted to one side.
Grade A material, Brian!
I want a Jolly Wolverine flag...may just have to cobble up something for the tailgate!
and hire Hugh Jackman?
I cried a little...
I've chased eight kids off my lawn this week alone . . . and yet, I kinda like the Werewolf in the #1 jersey. I could be into it.
The beauty of the anthropomorphic Block M if it comes to pass is that someone can dress up in the Block M costume and then YES DAVE BRANDON, LITTLE KIDS CAN HAVE THEIR PICTURES TAKEN WITH A BLOCK M. So bite me.
That one made me think of Dr. Weird from Aqua Teen.
Gentlemen... BEHOLD! Ridiculous mascots!