Michigan's mascot should clearly be a giant middle finger named "Tradition." Imagine the photographs. This won't happen, though, because I've triple-trademarked the idea and will only sell it for one million dollars.
We'll have to crowdsource it, then. The Detroit News is way ahead of us, having already launched a contest and announced a winner, which is a werewolf in the #1 jersey. Braylon says this aggression will not stand.
VARIOUS WINGED-FACE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY FURRIES
It's like a normal mascot except the winged helmet is part of its head. Except for the one where it isn't, and that one doesn't even have a tail.
Pros: Ammunition for 4chan. Slight possibility meme launched. If actually named "Furriester" I will die laughing.
Cons: This is why you picked Michigan, so you could go to a sporting event without thinking of… the incident. It all comes rushing back now: one night in Venice with hairy thighs and scratch marks and shame imprinted on your soul. Shame deeper than the catacombs, broader than the sea, shame you ran and ran and ran from until you stopped, panting, in Ann Arbor.
I guess that's it, then. Time to buy some whiskey and a gun.
DO YOU LIKE FOOTBALL I LIKE FOOTBALL TOO I JUST WISH THEY WOULDN'T BE SO MEAN I LIKE NICEBALL WHICH IS LIKE FOOTBALL EXCEPT INSTEAD OF HITTING SOMEONE YOU GIVE THEM A LOLLY
Pros: Michigan becomes Japan's team, gets own video of hot girly pop stars frolicking with related paraphernalia.
Cons: Michigan's record under the watchful eye of Hello Wolverine will be 3-89 because he cries every time someone falls down.
WHERE THE WOLVERINE THINGS ARE
Mascot has a hissy pregame and flees to a world of his own devising containing 110,000 magical friends.
Pros: Canned music in stadium now exclusively Arcade Fire. Stadium becomes breathtaking wonderland of childhood delight…
Cons: …which falls apart as soon as someone takes a mud clod to the face, leaving everyone in the stadium a harrowed emotional wreck in need of some soup and a hug from mom.
Actually, this has already been our mascot for quite a while.
HELLO ANIME HORROR
It's incredibly cute for a demon, I'll give it that.
Pros: Dismembered Brutus one-ups the Ohio Bobcat, and according to Brady Hoke Ohio is our great and true nemesis.
Cons: Your soul is next.
PIG… WEREWOLF… CHEERLEADER… GUY
Pointy teeth: check. Bear ears: check. Bulbous nose: check. Tail: check. Are those horns? What is going on?
Pros: Block M on nose is consistent with branding initiative. May be able to lead locomotive cheer.
Cons: Is hideous interspecies mule that only wants two things: a Michigan victory and the sweet release of death.
CAT… DOG… CHEWBACCA… THING
Even its big weird clown shoes have teeth.
Pros: Seems happier about its status as a genetic outcast, at least. Downright jolly. Good at comforting: "yeah, we just lost to Ohio State for the million time in a row, but all of your chromosomes have matches! I wish I was so lucky."
Cons: Will rip your arm off if you beat it at chess.
NICE TRY, SUPERFAN
No, dude, seriously, even the winged helmet has wings. They're recursive wings. I'm totally not Batman.
Pros: Cheap. Recursive wings briefly stoke engineering interest. Is actually Batman so don't try anything, buddy.
Cons: Keeps cutting his feet off at the ankle when he tries to run. Camera flash reminds him of his parent's murder.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE
This is a skunk. It was submitted by someone in Ohio.
Pros: Might confuse Ohioans into killing and eating it. Hideously malformed right arm would give Michigan the nation's first handicapped mascot.
Cons: Everything else.
What's even friendlier than a live wolverine in a cage at a football game? A zombie version thereof.
Pros: Would forever end discussions about who has the manliest mascot in all the land. Forces band to play "Thriller" every home game. May distract Joe Paterno from games against Penn State as he seeks elusive zombie bestiality romance.
Cons: Zombie bestiality romance. 110,000 people plus one rabid zombie biting machine is pretty much asking for a zombie apocalypse. In the aftermath survivors would walk around screaming "we didn't listen."
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT, OR GENIUS?
If I had a pirate ship, this would be its flag.
Pros: It's original. I kind of want to put in in the store minus the lawyer-baiting block M. Could lure Mike Leach to campus to be the OC.
Cons: It's original because it is a Jolly Roger flag with a block M and a wolverine skull instead of, you know, a mascot. Unless it was Marvin Riedel's intent to make a Michigan mascot that was entirely notional, which… whoah. I'm feeling all deconstructed.
Pros: Remove the eyes, pretend she's female, and call her "Emmy." I wouldn't even be mad about this. If Michigan had a giant, armless walking M accidentally smashing into cheerleader pyramids it would be awesome.
Cons: Is not giant middle finger named "Tradition."
The Colts have also used similar "mascots" ... they seem kind of pointless if you aren't allowed to throw objects.
But then IU used to have a really bad mascot, so maybe stupid inflatable drones are an improvement. (I thought I remembered it as something like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Cornhusker, but I guess I was wrong.) The thing on the left is obviously The Hunchback of Notre Dame, or something like that.
It kinda looks like the "Hello Wolverine" is giving the world the finger. Look close at the football. It kinda reminds me of the vietman POW Edward Mechenbier flipping off the camera when they were taking his photo for propaganda.
"Wasn't that Michigan drive just great. That's like Patton riding into Berlin." ~Bob Ufer
DB wants some sort of Mascot so that the kids will have something for pictures. There is no way to make a good wolverine costume. So, just take Sparty's body style, put it into a Michigan football uniform and put the head into a winged helmet. Put number 98 on the jersy. He can walk around OUTSIDE the stadium, have his picture taken and not go on the field.
Thank you. I needed a post like this today. My life has improved since I have found this blog. I really hope Michigan never gets a mascot. I was at the msu game 2 years ago and was angry that I had to watch a dog catch a frisbee at halftime. Not to mention the entrance thru the smoke machine msu made. I don't ever want Michigan to go down that road.
I'm thinking Horace Greeley Prettyman would make a fine mascot. We could nickname him "Old Timey" or some such catchy moniker and kids could get pix with him with those flashes that go poof and he could saunter the sidelines.
I remember Willie the wolverine walking around outside of the big house, trying to gain acceptance to be our mascot. I haven't seen Willie in years! My vote is to continue tradition of no physical mascot. Unless we bring back the real wolverines from the Detroit Zoo and parade them around the stadium before games.
I went to the store and there is no maize and blue shirt that says "TRADITION" thathas a picture of a fist giving the finger. Now THAT is something I would buy. It would look sweet with the new Zubaz pants you now have listed.
I had a Michigan shirt as a kid with this graphic on it and thought it should have been the mascot should UM ever get one. It's the best I've seen so far... and is on shirts currently being sold at M-Den.
I've said since I was an undergrad 20 years ago that if we must have a mascot, it should be a giant block M with feet sticking out of the bottom and arms sticking out of the sides. Just to rub in the faces of other schools and all the goofs who want a mascot.
I think it would be at least as cool as Stanford's mascot.
First, I'm with everyone else on how awesomely hilarious this entire post was. Thank you Brian!
Second, my conspiracy theory generating brain has figured it all out. In all honestly, death not an option, I pick the werewolverine (the last pic where he's like leaping out to maul unsuspecting Nittany furries or encephaletic nuts. And lets be honest, the rest of those are either so off the charts awful or not really mascots (The Flag...I really think it needs to be called the Jolly Brady) So, DB has conspired with Wojo to plant all these images on Det News and so by comparison when we get the real mascot we'll look back on these and say "Well, at least it wasn't any of those..."
Lastly, if we get that flag flying and we want to be "Totally awesome, yo!" with pumped in music etc... I DEMAND we show this video while raising that flag: