Dear Diary Had a Lucid Dream About Bears Comment Count

Seth

IMG_155451bzJ-c0zDL._SL500_AA280_

Upchurch / "We don't need to drink blood to know what it tastes like"

My favorite day of the year growing up was right about now, a morning in mid-June when I woke up and it was still sunny as it had been when I went to bed, and I'd sit up and go through the painful transition from a reality where the Care Bars (or post-1991 Desmond Howard) and I solve crimes, to one where Number 2 pencils are a thing. Then mid-boot it would suddenly dawn on me that yesterday was a half-day and today is…

Then there was a morning when I was already working but still living in my college house and realized that school and the first day of summer vacation were a package deal. This is young adulthood: trying to find meaning in everything because that which used to have meaning is gone, and you don't yet know what having kids is actually like. That day my buddy convinced me to see a local post-6411555271_43a84798f0_opunk band based on the challenge of how much crap the lead singer could threaten to break before the set ended/he actually broke something important. And they sang something about losing that first day of summer, or I thought it was about losing that day. Anyway fast forward to that train track-ity walk home from the Blind Pig and two recent grads calling the world insufficient when I brought up, "well, we beat Ohio State this year." And that worked, because I had no idea we wouldn't beat them again for eight years.

Since November I've had another pinprick thought to convince me to leave a dream just on the edge of lucid and reenter this plane of existence: Guys, we beat Ohio State this year. This is the payoff for all of those years of traversing the darkness rather than sucking it up and hiring Les Miles or something. We get this little ray of first-day-of-summer-vacation-level happy that we can access any time, and it doesn't even poop itself!

Doing lines. From his opening paragraph I can tell jamiemac has been doing the same thing. The post itself covers the Vegas lines for highlight-able Michigan games this year. I'm not much of a gambler (I like picking but not risk-chalktaking) but I love reading their stuff. People trying to play the margins necessarily have to cut through all the fluff, including their own biases. Movement of the lines set by casinos trying to entice people to bet, and where that movement ends, is a far more accurate power ranking than that produced by columnists with 30 logo pictures and 30 snark remarks.

This one is especially well written and speaks volumes about what the smart money thinks our chances are against rivals and power programs. There's wonkiness too—like a poker player who always plays Jack-Nines because he won big on those a few times, he always takes the underdog in Michigan-Notre Dame. Then again you've got two programs who often enter seasons ranked above rationality—especially ND—and presumably this affects the higher ranked of the two each time, so maybe that's the effect? Anyway Michigan's the dog so yay. If you were handicapping Diarist of the Week, the smart money's on jamiemac.

The smart football. There will be more on this over the summer but Chris Brown has collected some of his best works into a book, something Brian thought of doing before we realized nobody wants to relive either of the eras his best works were written in. You can buy the book, which is like $5 for an Amazon download, or read the columns on his site and Grantland, or get the Cliff's Notes from a friend. This friend is DonAZ, who added his own thoughts as to how the lessons relate to Michigan. They're in the teddy_bearform of questions, some of which are answered well in the comments. Also in the comments is a jackass complaining about improper conjugation of forms of "thee."

Hey Rube, easy on the bears. Hunter S. Thompson once shot his assistant while trying to shoot a bear. If you guessed this my lead-in for a jhackney diary, you know your diarists too well. His dream is similar to mine but with more members of carnivora:

Unfortunately, I missed half the game studying an accordion type device that promised to send you to a planet of unicorns, badass grizzly care bears, and a bottomless plate of fat free/vitamin rich BBQ spare ribs. I did return from the outer reaches of the universe to see an anemic offense get in a position to win the game with a field goal. At first I thought I ended up on an episode of Sliders, reaching a parallel universe.

The Sugar Bowl was real! Ohio State was real! Trouncing Nebraska was real! Bears are real!bearholdingshark

Going for the jugular is real. The Mathlete says so, or I should say his database says so. By this I don't mean a bear trying to make your trachea dangly, but a coach trying to "capitalize on momentum" by attempting a +20 yards pass on 1st down after a turnover/punt/momentum shift. I'll go ahead and ruin it because you're going to read it anyway math junkies: coaches absolutely do this, and it doesn't seem any more effective than the rest of the offense. In the book a poker-loving roommate used to leave in the bathroom I remember it saying players who just won a big hand will bluff immediately after (the loser will fold something decent, then go on tilt). Whatever the poker move, as anyone who spent a significant part of their adult life with Carr teams, if it gets them throwing deep, fine. But since coaches seem prepared for it, the best move would be a short and easy pass. Get 5 yards, keep the crowd into it, get the QB comfortable in a rhythm, and wait to catch the defense on tilt.

Half-way through high school. The 2014 offer list is out, courtesy of Sinsemillaplease. Needs more list of competing offers. Also MOAR of these guys:

 
smileybluesm  smileyhappysm  smileyneutralsm  smileyunhappysm  smileydeadsm

 

That's Mr. Blue, Happy Teeth, Data, Nefarious Eduardo, and Sad Josh to those of you with precisely manicured MGolawns. If you weren't a recruiting board follower pre-2009, these are what recruits looked like before kids committed to their schools before 4th grade. Most of the players on that list have drivers licenses, though not all. If you want to just skip to the part where the Class of 2014 are graduating with multiple Big Ten Championships, ask the guy from the future, if you can get him to stop predicting Heismans for Houma.

Etc. TSS was breaking the server late last night, so I imagine he'll have something about comparing Alabama's roster to Michigan's in the near future, if it's not up already. The little he had uploaded as of 1 a.m. had me refreshing in hopes of more.

Best of the Board

IN A WORLD WHERE LES MILES CHEWS FIELD TURF.

This is one of those posts that goes to a link but the MGoDiscussion is better than that on the site with the article (happens all the time with Yahoo). This time Andy Staples pretends the world hinges on one 3rd down scramble by Chris Leak that saves Zook's job in Florida. From this point the timeline skews into a tangent, creating an alternate 2012 in which Bobby Petrino is rich, and powerful, and married to your mother, and where this has happened to me:

When the bracket is announced the following day and Stanford and Florida make the playoff as at-larges and Michigan doesn't, Miles delivers an impassioned speech on ESPN that will be studied by linguists for decades. His message? Who really knows? But he uses the word "chest" 57 times in seven minutes.

6b3_06ceca5202

But hey we win the 2006 national championship all Alabama style and somehow this reminds Crable to block the guy so no Horror, no Peanut Butter Jelly Time and, uh, Denard Robinson at Florida State with Chip Kelly? Like people who've been through actual horrors, I'll keep the guys I survived hell with.

IN A WORLD WHERE DENARD HAS LOWER ACCELERATION THAN LEWAN

Alternate title: OUR QB IS ODDJOB!

Every year EA Sports gives us plenty to complain about, and every team that isn't us way more to complain about (I still hear it from my brother about Greg Jones being rated under Will Campbell in NCAA 2010, which is for 2009, which are they ever going to fix this?) Mr. Yost put together an extensive formula for re-rating guys, then stuck Ricardo Miller on the WR three-deep, starts Funchess, and Gallon's not even the slot receiver. I'm sad this is the last year 12-year-olds will be asserting a neighborhood rule against using Michigan because Denard plus EA game mechanics is "unfair."

IN A WORLD WHERE TACKLES CAN WEAR 11 AND CENTERS CAN WEAR 48

Informal poll: un-retiring numbers or no? This was a prevailing theme over several threads as further Legends jerseys were leaked. This is one of those places where I don't care what a majority of fans think—I want it given to freshmen, redshirt freshmen, sophomores, or at the latest a redshirt sophomore. I want them to be recruiting tools and to not interfere with already purchased jerseys and databases and most importantly my dreams of long-term Michigan starters riding around in their signature numbers on unicorns and helping me fight crimes. I find this very important indeed.

IN A WORLD WHERE COUNTING SYLLABLES IS CONSIDERED HIGH ART

Offseason Haiku.

IN A WORLD WHERE WILL CAMPBELL AND "SLEEK" ARE IN THE SAME SENTENCE

This is Wendyk5's description of BWC. See this and other snippets from the Women's Football Academy. Things in that video: Borges's arm is in a cast:

borgeswing

Darrell Funk looks like a Law & Order policeman. Several times the girls ran Denard Power from the shotgun spread.

Your moment of zen

Comments

JeepinBen

June 15th, 2012 at 8:58 AM ^

So... how many times can I watch that before I have to try to get any work done?

I have no idea how you're going to have better moments of Zen Seth.

Mr. Yost

June 15th, 2012 at 9:16 AM ^

Here are the "Unofficial Informal MGoPoll Results" for the topic: Do you like the "unretiring" of numbers?

Note: Many people confused this with "Do you like the Michigan Legend/Legacy Patches"...the answer could be different for each of those.

Anyway, the unofficial results:

YES - 114

NO - 25

However, again...people would answer "No. What happens if Tom Brady had a legacy patch, would Denard have to switch to #10? Denard's his own legend at #16."

  1. That didn't answer the question about if you like "unretiring jerseys"
  2. Who says Denard couldn't be remembered and receive a patch for #16, the number he wore the majority of his career? Why do you have to be honored by the last jersey you wear? When you go to the Hall of Fame, you don't automatically go in with the last team you played for. If Jordan went to the Hall of Fame as a Wizard, that was be ridiculous. Same would go for hypothetical of Denard wearing #10 for a year.

Seth

June 15th, 2012 at 9:20 AM ^

Bad analogy. College players leave while on an upward tragectory, therefore the senior season is probably going to be the most memorable (usually), and be the prism through which we viewed that player.

That's not a vote on your question. But I think it'st he important question (for a given definition of important; I can't get my family to pay attention to this yet)

M-Wolverine

June 15th, 2012 at 10:16 AM ^

Michael Taylor, or Tom Brady?  Or even better...Brian Griese?

The amount of players who really have an impact their first couple of years is pretty small. For most you're looking at a two year window.  So if they switch their senior season 50% (and most likely a greater percentage of their best play) is in a different uniform.

Benoit Balls

June 15th, 2012 at 9:31 AM ^

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to shelve the bubble screen questions for a while, or Gorgeous Borges might go all WWE and club him with that cast. I can see him coming over the dais like he's coming off the turnbuckle, Superfuly Snuka style

Maizenblueball

June 15th, 2012 at 9:49 AM ^

never gets old.  Even after watching that clip again, I'm STILL excited about beating Ohio.  Love watching Hoke celebrate, and Denard running into the stands.  Go BLUE!

M-Wolverine

June 15th, 2012 at 10:18 AM ^

If anything, I think they'd help criminals make a clean getaway.

(was that 3 bear references in one column...is that a new record?)

 

And I don't know, someone may buy Brian's book....I mean, people bought copies of Three and Out.

MGoStudent

June 15th, 2012 at 10:52 AM ^

Moment of zen is right - I remember that play in slow-motion; my Michigan football-obsessed buddy and I got there two hours early, eventually got down into the stadium when there was only a handful of people in attendance, took a spot about 10 rows above the band, and guarded it with our lives (since our actual tickets were much higher).  I felt physically ill during ohio's last drive - like I knew that we were actually about to lose on some MSU-Wisconsin type of Hail Mary with no time left... and then when Miller leapt for that first down, I actually couldn't stand up straight anymore, like I was going to pass out or something from seven years of exhasperation.

Then, throw-tip-interception-knee.  And suddenly everything was fine.  Nothing even mattered anymore, because we had beaten ohio.  It was just a game, and a damn good one at that.  And if anything else happened the rest of that year - who cares?! - because Michigan beat Ohio, and everything else is just details.

MGoStudent

June 15th, 2012 at 10:53 AM ^

Vaguely relatedly, it's pretty cool to study how people think during sports.  While it's going on, you agonize on every detail.  If you lose, you focus on what could've or should've happened and blot out the rest.  But if you win, it's like wiping everything clean, because you won and the details don't matter.  It's healthier for you.  Self-medication Zen.

Profwoot

June 15th, 2012 at 11:32 AM ^

That's a nice picture Denard cutting off his inside foot. As amazing as he is, there have been so many times when he slips or trips gets tackled because he cuts off the wrong foot. I'm sure the coaches are working with him on that.