Well its no wonder that Denard tore up Indiana's defense...the guy chasing him in that picture only had one leg!
Mount St. Mary's hired a private equity CEO to be their president. You'll never guess what happened next.
So the Indiana game was water torture interspersed with electric Japanese schoolgirl sex. The latter was great but the former was almost 75% of the game, and against teams with non-theoretical defenses a repeat will mean sad faces and rage. How likely is this? Eh… pretty likely at some point. But maybe not consistently.
Indiana is probably the most competent—and is definitely by far the most deployed—passing offense in the Big Ten. Last year Indiana was the only team other than Purdue to pass more than half the time. They did so at a 54% clip. This year they're up to 58% with the return of their entire passing offense, and that's despite a big chunk of the schedule being against tomato cans in which clock-killing runs are plentiful.
A look at Michigan's opponent and what they're likely to do to Michigan's secondary:
Pass Percentages: 50% in 2009, 40% in 2010.
Quarterback: Kirk Cousins, a
senior redshirt junior returning starter.
Last year's performance: Cousins split time with Keith Nichol, with the two combining to go 20/29 for 220 yards and two interceptions.
Last year's run/pass split: 49 rushes and 29 passes, though a number of the MSU rushes were QB scrambles.
Cousins had a strong junior year, finishing 25th nationally in pass efficiency. He seems to have made the incremental improvement you'd expect him to; this year he's 13th and in two games against actual opponents he completed about two thirds of his passes for about 250 yards with a solid or better YPA. He also threw three interceptions.
However, State is an old-school I-form heavy conventional offense that looks almost identical to Lloyd Carr's and they set up a lot of their passing yards by running play action. Cousins isn't going to come anywhere near 64 attempts and MSU isn't going to pass 75% of the time. How the run defense holds up against this is an open question, but that's not what this post is about.
MICHIGAN SECONDARY : OPPONENT PASS OFFENSE :: bunny : somewhat unreliable wood chipper
CHAPPELBOMB RATING: 4 of 5. Michigan State was balanced last year, and that was with a terrible running game. This year they've got a stable of impressive backs and somewhat iffy hands in the receiving corps, so the bigger threat is probably getting gashed all day on the ground. Hurrah?
Pass Percentages: 46% in 2009, 40% in 2010.
Quarterback: Ricky Stanzi, a senior returning starter.
Last year's performance: Found breathtakingly open tight ends but was erratic, going 20 of 38 for 284 yards and two TDs. Did deliver a Rick Six directly unto Donovan Warren.
Last year's run/pass split: 34 rushes, 38 passes. It should be noted that due to a Jewel Hampton ACL injury Iowa was thin at tailback oh wait that happened again this year except worse nevermind.
Stanzi's primary game of note this year was a 18/33, 278 yard 3TD-1INT game at Arizona where he was almost literally the Iowa offense. The Hawkeyes ran for 29 yards on 26 carries, and though plenty of sacks distort that the two tailbacks combined to average under 2 YPC. He was also efficient against PSU (16/22, 227 yards, 1TD-1INT) on a day when after a couple of quick touchdowns Iowa put it in neutral since they correctly believed Penn State could not score.
MICHIGAN SECONDARY : OPPONENT PASS OFFENSE :: raccoon : sports car with gore-smeared grill that spends a lot of time in the garage
CHAPPELBOMB RATING: 4 of 5. Stanzi may not be headed for NFL riches but he's been around the block and seems to have shaken his touchdown entitlement program. He's top ten in pass efficiency against a pretty decent schedule featuring Penn State, Arizona, and an Iowa State team that just won a Big 12 game (yay!!!). Here, it's the same story as Michigan State: they might be able to replicate it but the old-school coach is likely to split run and pass down the middle instead of letting fly most of the time.
Pass Percentages: 46% in 2009, 49% in 2010.
Quarterback: True freshman Robert Bolden.
Last year's performance: N/A
Last year's run/pass split: 40 runs, 27 passes as Darryl Clark had four touchdowns in just 27 attempts.
Surprise! Penn State's quarterback situation is terrible. The Nittany Lions are 103rd in passer efficiency. To be fair they've gone up against the brutal defenses of Iowa and Alabama, but Bolden threw two interceptions against Kent State and a pick-six against Iowa on a day when people say he could have thrown four or five.
Their offensive line is really hurting, the tight ends are all injured, and Penn State will probably avoid passing too much as long as it remains relatively close.
MICHIGAN SECONDARY : OPPONENT PASS OFFENSE :: eucalyptus tree : koala bear
CHAPPELBOMB RATING: 1 of 5. Penn State's offensive line gets more hypothetical by the day and now they're down to freshmen or wide receivers at tight end. Meanwhile, Bolden is talented but error-prone, the perfect thing against a Michigan defense that is pretty good at watching others succeed or fail without having much impact either way. Expect gentle chewing.
Pass Percentages: 40% in 2009, 33% in 2010.
Quarterback: Redshirt freshman Nathan Scheelhaase.
Last year's performance: N/A
Last year's run/pass split: 11 passes, 56 runs, dead kittens all over the state.
Illinois was already wildly run-biased but they've managed to slide further away from the mean despite graduating half-Desmond, half-duck quarterback Juice Williams. A man named Scheelhaase might sound like a 6'5" pocket passer with a background in soccer and the mobility of John Navarre, but he's actually a highly-rated dual-threat quarterback with FAKE 40 times in the 4.5 range. The play distribution makes some sense.
It also makes sense because in three games against I-A competition Scheelhaase's best outing is 8 of 16 for 70 yards against Northern Illinois. In his first start against Missouri he put up an amazing, amazing stat line: 9 of 23 for 81 yards, a TD, and three INTs. If Michigan gets shredded by Illinois it won't be in the air.
MICHIGAN SECONDARY : OPPONENT PASS OFFENSE :: confused goat : equally confused goat.
CHAPPELBOMB RATING: 0 of 5. If Michigan can contain one passing offense this year, it will be this one.
Pass Percentages: 54% in 2009, 47% in 2010.
Quarterback: Redshirt freshman Robert "Rob" Henry, at least until such time as Angry Purdue ACL-Hating God gets bored.
Last year's performance: N/A
Last year's run/pass split: 39 passes, 29 runs as Joey Elliot went for almost 400 yards.
Henry is Purdue's second-stringer, and to add injury to injury (to injury) he'll be operating without his top receiver, top tailback, and possibly his third option at WR if Justin Siller can't make it back from a badly sprained ankle. Information on him is limited. In most of a game against Toledo he was 17 of 31 for 140 yards, a TD, and an INT. He's probably not that good if he was behind Robert Marve to start the year, especially since he's apparently a much better runner.
MICHIGAN SECONDARY : OPPONENT PASS OFFENSE :: chicken : fox with three peg-legs and eyepatches over both eyes hyyyarrr.
CHAPPELBOMB RATING: 2 of 5. Purdue is still a passing spread but their offensive line is in shambles and by the time the Michigan game rolls around they might be starting Random Student somewhere.
Pass Percentages: 37% in 2009, 35% in 2010.
Quarterback: Senior returning starter Scott Tolzien.
Last year's performance: Fire and brimstone falling from the sky as Tolzien averaged 10 YPA on 24 attempts, throwing 4 touchdowns to one INT and causing me to swear bloody revenge on Jay Hopson. Yes, again.
Last year's run/pass split: 52 rushes, 24 passes.
This was a complete debacle last year, causing me to fear Wisconsin even after they almost blew it against Arizona State; I'm still swallowing hard at the idea of going up against them again. Tolzien was awful against MSU but very good against ASU. In the games against patsies he's been efficient… and seldom used… kind of like he was last year against Michigan.
MICHIGAN SECONDARY : OPPONENT PASS OFFENSE :: abdomen : scalpel
CHAPPELBOMB RATING: 4 of 5. Yes, this again: efficient senior game manager who carved up Michigan's crap defense a year ago and has a good shot at doing it again.
Pass Percentages: 36% in 2009, 40% in 2010.
Quarterback: Terrelle Pryor, junior returning starter.
Last year's performance: Did virtually nothing: 9/17, 67 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT.
Last year's run/pass split: 53 runs, 17 passes.
That line from last year might have been more interesting if Tate Forcier wasn't busy throwing the game ball at various members of the Ohio State pass defense. As it was OSU had the Tresselball on full throttle. This year Pryor's nuked the patsies (though he did throw a couple interceptions against Ohio) and been somewhat limited against real opposition. Take out a shovel pass to Dan Herron that went for 47 yards and Pryor was 11 of 26 for 186 yards against Miami, with 62 of those on a single bomb to DeVier Posey. Last week against Illinois Pryor had another epic Tresselball stat line: 9/16, 76 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT. Apparently it was windy or something.
While I can totally see that Posey bomb happening against Michigan, I'd rather this defense give up a big touchdown and then a bunch of nothing than get Chappelbombed.
MICHIGAN SECONDARY : OPPONENT PASS OFFENSE :: London : V1 rocket
CHAPPELBOMB RATING: 2 of 5. Tressel will probably Tressel it, leaving Pryor a spectator and runner most of the day. Also… wind or not, his stats are not indicative of a guy who anyone is going to put a game on in a Chappell sort of way. Doubt he even gets to 25 attempts against M.
Well its no wonder that Denard tore up Indiana's defense...the guy chasing him in that picture only had one leg!
Makes it look like he's hopping.
Look at the guy's face. It looks like he's thinking: "Man, this sucks. What did I get myself into?"
I can't tell if the look on his face is because he's got one leg and is forced to hop to try and catch up to Denard or because he just realized that he just got Denarded.
That photoshop is worthy of its own thread. Much more so than another 10 AAAH OUR DEFENSE AAAAAH threads are worthy of life.
phperhaps Lloyd Brady could also be holding him back
I'm starting to think there might be something to this "Denard's stats are the result of the quality of the opposing defenses" thing...
Of course I'd rather watch that on loop for three hours than ever see Chappel vs our D again.
Edit: Although depend on how the season plays out the girls might be able to sell me this product:
When the blood comes out it barely hurts compared to watching efficient QBs shred our defense!
My brain is hurting! WTF is going on here? What started out as a hilarious line crafted by Brian has now turned into something that is actually scaring me a little. Japanese schoolgirls killing themselves? The insanity!
I'd imagine that the fact that his performance against Michigan resulted in the creation of a "Chappelbomb Rating" has to be amongst the highlights of Ben Chappell's college career.
Also, can we get a separate post about "electric Japanese schoolgirl sex?" Inquiring minds want to know.
Rent "Noriko's Dinner Table" off Netflix and watch it. It basically tells you everything you ever wanted to learn and so much more.
That's NSFW by the way folks.^
if you enjoy that I also highly suggest Audition. To quote wiki:
Audition had its share of audience walk-outs. When shown at the 2000 Rotterdam Film Festival, one enraged female viewer confronted Miike by shouting at him: "You're evil!" During uncensored members-only shows at the Irish Film Institute in Dublin in 2001, some patrons collapsed in apparent shock. One audience member was rushed to the St. James's Hospital but later discharged himself.
The best part is Audition starts off as a romance movie, so you can totally sucker your girlfriend into watching it and getting emotionally invested in the love story before all hell breaks lose.
But seriously, I wouldn't even link Audition. Because anything a trailer would show IS a spoiler. Because your last line is totally true. Though that movie may completely undue everything you've done to increase the lusting after Asian women. Because, after that movie, you can never look at one the same way, and not wonder....does she have any piano wire...?
(The same guy who did Ichi the Killer...which is definitely near the top for strange).
well this part of the thread got seriously FUBAR
Look on the bright side. When we hear "Japanese schoolgirl sex" our minds go to Asian horror movies, not pedo thoughts and postings of jailbait schoolgirls that look 12.
Time to get it more MGoBlog appropriate...and make me feel better at the same time... (keep hearing "Kiri kiri kiri kiri kiri..." in my head...)
Ah, now I feel better.
Thanks a lot. Now Gee Gee Gee Baby is lodged in my brain for the next 48 hours. you could at least link to Khong Tu Qyunh, Thu Thuy or the Vietnamese cover of Numma Numma and rock that SE Asian pride.
The chick in Audition squeaking out "deeper deeper deeper" in that little voice, that you had running through my head.
Well, maybe not by much. (And hey...what happens if the girl you're watching that movie with LIKES the ending...? I mean, girl power, and all that...).
And all the Vietnamese stuff is too mellow for this site. Brian has shown he likes cheesy pop better, and it's more upbeat nature is more of a mood changer. Except for Numma Numma...and frankly, the Vietnamese guy singing that disturbs me more than Audition.
To quote my fiancee after watching the Vietnamese Numma Numma: "Yet they act surprised when we come to America and date American guys."
perhaps separated in a locked room
kiri, kiri, kiri, kiri........
Literally (once again) had to explain my laughter to coworkers.
Brian you might just get me fired.
A particularly wet-sounding and odoriferous fart: A third grader's composure.
If I'm "Still laughing from before" or explaining your comment to the room full of people...
Cousins is a junior.
How sad is it that I saw that picture of Brandon Smith and thought, "oh, man, I wish he was still here?" Yep - I'm mourning the loss of relatively non-contributing hybrid LBs this year. Your 2010 defense, y'all.
Thank you Bill Simmons.
Can't wait for the "DENARDENING: IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN" post.
Michigan offense : Opposing defenses :: Particle in LHC : Loser in the 400 yard dash in the special olympics.
I just broke out in laughter in a crowded office.
Ok, obviously I'm biased, but how is Pryor considered a Heisman candidate? He's a running back who has the ability to throw the occassional 50 yard pass to wide open receivers. What are his stats if he's on an average team? Is he as good as Juice Williams, even?
Juice never played for a National Championship. Pryor might. That alone makes one a candidate; if maybe not a deserving one.
such a leader:
"The worst thing was when I came back and the guys thought I was all right and they were saying, 'Come on Terrelle, lead us,' "
the heisman media hype machine needs to find the heros and combatants and then create a story line that keeps them fed the entire season.
You can't just say, "wow Denard is it" and call it a day, these ads don't just click themselves you know!
Hero identification Step 1, who are the key players of each team in the Top Ten of the press poll?
Hero identification Step 2, who is actually doing something worth talking about on TV over and over?
Combatant idendification Step 3, when do any of these guys play each other?
Agreed. I don't even understand why he's in the conversation other than because he was in the conversation BEFORE the season started. He hasn't done anything particularly noteworthy other than not implode an offense that doesn't seem that impressive.
Perhaps I'm just comparing him to Denard, which is (at least so far) an unfair thing to do to any quarterback not named Denard, but there are other players who have seemed far more impressive and have far more impressive stats.
Similarly, Ingram is way up there on the heisman "balloting" after missing two games and playing well, but not amazingly in the other three. It's like the whole heisman perception is based on pre-conceived notions about players before the season just like rankings. I'm glad Denard is getting credit for being an amazing athlete who is defying reality with his performances. I wish the heisman "watch" involved more watching and less deciding that somebody they thought would have a large impact going into the season isn't doing anything that special but is still on a team ranked in the top 2 that hasn't lost yet.
I've always equated the Heisman "race" to Olympic pairs figure skating. The Russians were ALWAYS the prohibitive favorite before the competition even started and the only way they wouldn't win is if they failed spectacularly (e.g. fall on their asses 6+ times). The Heisman is usually the same story: 3 or 4 "obvious" favorites at the start of the season with one of them usually managing to 1) not fall flat on his face and 2) be on a team that wins most of its games...and, voila, you have your Heisman winner.
So of our 7 remaining games, the only three that will not cause me obdominal discomfort are Illinois, PSU and Purdue. Great.
Even if we only win those, that puts us at 8-4 before the bowl game. Considering the inexperience/weaknesses of our defense, that is a huge win. Next year we return practically our whole offense, much of the defense, and probably won't have to start freshmen. This, while Iowa and Wisconsin are replacing their multi-year starting QBs.
but I do feel like our only shot is in winning those games so there is definitely added pressure on those 3 in particular.
So you are saying we have NO shot at beating MSU, Wisky, or Iowa?? None?
With Denard anything is possible but I have a bad feeling about those games. If we get an early stop and take advantage to open up a 2 score lead (something we couldn't do against IU) then I think we are in good shape.
But trading scores or, heaven help us, having to come from behind to win those games is a tall order with our defense.
But again, with Denard anything is possible.
fan of that 4 outta 5 next to MSU and wishing i could bogard some of ya'll optimism for that game...
you mean "Bogart."
Arkansas at all cost in the bowls. Mallett would be a Chappelbomb Rating of 6.
Hopefully LSU (112th passing) or Florida (78th passing).
At this point in the season, a matchup with Arkansas is actually possible isn't it?
Mallett destroying UM would be so bitter.
And then DeQuinta Jones would break Denard in half and we would all drink.
or DeQuinta Jones would be giving thanks he only has to try and stop Denard in one bowl game instead of everyday in practice...