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Big Ten Coaches Ranked By Attractiveness, From The Perspective Of Walruses

By Brian — December 7th, 2012 at 10:43 AM — 55 comments
Filed under:
  • 100% complete insanity
  • Big Ten

[ED: flight limits available time today but this is probably the best thing ever so yeah.]

Some time ago, Catlab released… well… this.

I have watched it dozens of times, and now I will render judgment on which Big Ten coaches could hypothetically scrape out a living as a call-walrus (callrus?) in a dystopian future like Planet of the Apes, except with walruses.

This is important. I will brook no dissent, commenters.

1. JERRY KILL, MINNESOTA

image

Already the species' best bet at seducing an intergalactic gopher bent on enslaving earth, Jerry Kill doubles as Walrus Olivia Wilde. Missed his calling as black ops animal kingdom Al Qaeda infiltrator. Ooooh la la.

2. BRET BIELEMA, WISCONSIN

image

I LIKE BIG FACE AND I CANNOT LIE
YOU OTHER WALRII CAN'T DENY
WHEN A BRET WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY BITTY EYE AND THAT ROUND CHIN IN  YOUR FACE
YOU GET

I DON'T KNOW

YOU GARRUMP AND ROLL AROUND AND MAYBE TUSK SOMETHING

WHATEVER WALRUSES DO

AND THEN YOU SAY YOU WERE GREAT BABY AND LEAVE TO GO SEDUCE SOME PIGS

LITERALLY PIGS

I DON'T GET IT EITHER

3. BILL O'BRIEN, PENN STATE

image

Soulful blue walrus eyes, and a chin-dimple for days.

4. BRADY HOKE, MICHIGAN

image

Finishes second to Kill in luxurious goiter, but lacks the crazy beady eyes of Bielema. Starting every sentence with "well" a downside in super slo-mo walrusland because it takes him forever to ask for a sandwich, or tell you your tusks are pearlescent in the surf.

5. DANNY HOPE, PURDUE

image

The tusky mustache of course, but Hope's rather blocky appearance hurts him when we're talking about a species that is way into bulging curves, I mean I guess it's not like I have a machine I made that allows me to type in any species and get a detailed profile of their proclivities.

Seriously, I don't have one. Who would make something like that.

6. KEVIN WILSON, INDIANA

image

If such a machine existed—it does not—it would probably say that what Kevin Wilson brings in the curvy department he does not bring in the naughty bad boy department. I mean, a walrus wants a thrill and Kevin Wilson is all hanging out being stable with his two years of service in Bloomington. Eyes naturally wander to the drifters populating the rest of whatever that division is called.

Seriously the machine does not exist.

ACTUAL WALRUS DIVIDING LINE

image

-----------------------------------------------------

MARK DANTONIO, MICHIGAN STATE

image

Would have better luck with marmosets, lemurs, and bible-thumping hypocrites. The machine is just a figment of your imagination.

PAT FITZGERALD, NORTHWESTERN

image

You're just trying too hard, Fitzgerald.

9. KIRK FERENTZ, IOWA

image

Not even trying, and it shows, on the field, in commercials, and at the walrus brothel.

10. TIM BECKMAN, ILLINOIS (FOR NOW)

image

Gives off too much of a skeevy serial killer vibe for any species. Forehead is a phrenology nightmare indicating several extreme proclivities that cannot be repeated lest they summon the Great Old Ones.

11. URBAN MEYER, OHIO STATE

image

Fact: Urban Meyer is impervious to video transform filters, and has no reflection.

12. BO PELINI, NEBRASKA

image

The transformation actually increased Bo Pelini's attractiveness to humans, but that doesn't mean either species is chasing that.

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December 7th, 2012 at 10:52 AM | I would have to agree that (Score:3 Normal)
HttV Wolverine
HttV Wolverine's picture
Joined: 08/02/2010
MGoPoints: 7363

I would have to agree that this may be the greatest thing ever. 

The Bielema one is the best by far.

“What the mind can conceive, the mind can achieve and those who stay will be champions.” - Bo 

][V][

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December 7th, 2012 at 10:52 AM | In the weight room... (Score:5 Normal)
Brown Bear
Brown Bear's picture
Joined: 01/10/2011
MGoPoints: 2731

In the weight room...

I poop excellence
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December 7th, 2012 at 10:56 AM | In the community.... (Score:5 Normal)
JeepinBen
JeepinBen's picture
Joined: 01/22/2010
MGoPoints: 9577

In the community....

"Over? Did you say, over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"

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December 7th, 2012 at 10:56 AM | Wait, What? (Score:3 Normal)
JeepinBen
JeepinBen's picture
Joined: 01/22/2010
MGoPoints: 9577

"Over? Did you say, over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"

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December 7th, 2012 at 10:56 AM | Make this happen (Score:4 Normal)
johnvand
johnvand's picture
Joined: 02/04/2010
MGoPoints: 3238

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:00 AM | In the weight room, in the (Score:4 Normal)
PlayByPlay
PlayByPlay's picture
Joined: 09/22/2011
MGoPoints: 2496

In the weight room, in the community...

...drink...this is a terrible idea

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:05 AM | Best post ever! I will (Score:1)
GOLBOGM
GOLBOGM's picture
Joined: 11/20/2012
MGoPoints: 446

Best post ever!

I will randomely be laughing hours or days from now as those images and "in the weight room, in the community..." randomely pops in my head...

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:08 AM | Why does... (Score:-1 Trolling)
WindyCityBlue
Joined: 07/23/2008
MGoPoints: 511

...Brady Hoke and Urban Meyer look the same as they would without the special effects?

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:07 AM | Everyone looks a little like (Score:5 Normal)
mgopoo
mgopoo's picture
Joined: 07/28/2009
MGoPoints: 76

Everyone looks a little like King Hippo.

Everywhere you go, go poo.

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:09 AM | I am starting to get worried (Score:4 Normal)
profitgoblue
Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19416

I am starting to get worried . . . I think our fearless leader may be losing it . . .

 

Disgruntled former moderator.  I got a lot of problems with you people!

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:19 AM | Welcome to..."off season" (Score:0 Overrated)
Mr. Yost
Mr. Yost's picture
Joined: 07/25/2011
MGoPoints: 5706

Spring practice can't come soon enough.

“True loyalty is that quality of service that grows under adversity and expands in defeat. Any street urchin can shout applause in victory, but it takes character to stand fast in defeat. One is noise — the other, loyalty.”

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December 7th, 2012 at 12:17 PM | The offseason is probably my (Score:5 Normal)
profitgoblue
Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19416

The offseason is probably my favorite time on the Board.

 

Disgruntled former moderator.  I got a lot of problems with you people!

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December 7th, 2012 at 12:46 PM | But won't you miss all the (Score:3 Normal)
a2_electricboogaloo
a2_electricboogaloo's picture
Joined: 04/21/2011
MGoPoints: 4096

But won't you miss all the "Devin vs. Denard" and "FIRE BORGESS?!?!?!?!11/1?!?!?!?" threads?

USING GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF CAPS LOCK SINCE APRIL 2011

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December 7th, 2012 at 2:02 PM | Spring practice can't come (Score:5 Normal)
jmblue
Joined: 11/07/2008
MGoPoints: 29067

Spring practice can't come soon enough.

 

There is a little team playing next door to Michigan Stadium that's ranked #3 in the country...

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:24 AM | Brian may be MGoBlog's version of The Joker. (Score:3 Underrated)
MichNukeEng
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Joined: 11/11/2009
MGoPoints: 918

Crazy laugh in MGoPodcast 4.4, plus I can imagine him telling us "You're all going to show your true colors when the chips are down (when Michigan-OSU gets moved into early October). See I'm not a monster; I'm just ahead of the curve."

Michigan's offensive style requires more players that have greater interactions with the Higgs field.

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:14 AM | Chin Music (Score:2 Funny)
Stuck_in_SEC
Joined: 11/19/2012
MGoPoints: 10

You could get lost in Bill O'briens chin.

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:21 AM | Come to Penn State! (Score:2 Normal)
WindyCityBlue
Joined: 07/23/2008
MGoPoints: 511

Oh wait.  Wrong video :(

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:23 AM | Jebus.... (Score:2)
jmdblue
Joined: 12/01/2010
MGoPoints: 670

What combination of medication and sleep deprivation begat that (most excellent) post?....let alone the song re-write?

We're gonna play with toughness, we're gonna be responsible and we're gonna play with toughness.  This is Michigan.

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:23 AM | Is that really the coach of (Score:3 Normal)
His Dudeness
His Dudeness's picture
Joined: 11/24/2008
MGoPoints: 13620

Is that really the coach of IU? I seriously have no idea. I thought it was still the gum throw guy. Is that the gum throw guy? Who is Kevin Wilson?

Also, Bo Pelini is looking good these days. Did his nose lose weight?

or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:59 PM | I thought it was Greg Gumble (Score:2)
Schembo
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Joined: 01/06/2011
MGoPoints: 944

I thought it was Greg Gumble for a second.

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:33 AM | Is it just me or does Hoke (Score:5 Normal)
Nick Sparks
Nick Sparks's picture
Joined: 06/15/2009
MGoPoints: 319

Is it just me or does Hoke look kind of like the Gungan king?

 

Gungan King

sparksofattraction.com

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:58 AM | Negative several million points for Phantom Menace reference (Score:3 Normal)
pinkfloyd2000
pinkfloyd2000's picture
Joined: 01/27/2009
MGoPoints: 446

Very painful. Apt...no question. But very painful.

Obviously you're not a golfer.
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December 7th, 2012 at 12:25 PM | I feel you (Score:3 Normal)
Nick Sparks
Nick Sparks's picture
Joined: 06/15/2009
MGoPoints: 319

It was an all time turd of a movie

sparksofattraction.com

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December 9th, 2012 at 11:04 PM | Meesa thinks (Score:2 Normal)
ziggolfer
ziggolfer's picture
Joined: 01/08/2012
MGoPoints: 271

Weesa have a grand army like da gooongaaans and will be able to do ouass parts

3-time Wolverine

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:33 AM | Thank you. I needed this. (Score:1)
allintime23
allintime23's picture
Joined: 09/21/2009
MGoPoints: 2400

Thank you. I needed this.

All in for some manball.

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:34 AM | You can always tell when Brian's dealer gets his stash (Score:4 Normal)
M-Wolverine
M-Wolverine's picture
Joined: 10/04/2009
MGoPoints: 39229

Because one of these posts pops up. 

NTTAWWT.

 

And where is that bowling ball coming from...?

"I love him, he's a great coach, he's a great mentor, he's a great friend. He's every single thing you want a college coach to be, and he does it flawlessly." -David Molk

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December 8th, 2012 at 4:18 AM | Sticky ball (Score:1)
Mike420GoBlue
Joined: 09/02/2012
MGoPoints: 297

Better run that ball over the hand dryer for a few before you put yer fingers in the communee.

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:57 AM | Pat Fitzgerald/ Kirk Ferentz (Score:2)
Space Coyote
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Joined: 06/18/2009
MGoPoints: 4473

Pat Fitgerald looks like some kind of bird to me, while Kirk Ferentz has an angry hungry hungry hippo look locked down.

6/11/13 - breakdownsports.blogspot.com - Inside Michigan's Playbook Makes Them Pay

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December 7th, 2012 at 11:59 AM | In the weight room (Score:0 Redundant)
NHWolverine
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Joined: 07/14/2009
MGoPoints: 37

in the community

"Well, I think I made my position clear there."
- L.C.

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December 7th, 2012 at 12:07 PM | I see Pelini went from (Score:1)
goldenmug8
goldenmug8's picture
Joined: 03/23/2010
MGoPoints: 378

I see Pelini went from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to mere Muggle.

I find it very funny how Meyer escapes the filters, lol

Class of 2008 and 2009

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December 7th, 2012 at 12:14 PM | Haha too funny (Score:1)
MgoJohnStamos
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Joined: 08/04/2010
MGoPoints: 703

Bo Pelini looks like Vince McMahan in that picture.

I don't know who's hair is better, John Stamos circa Full House or Denard

GO BLUE

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December 7th, 2012 at 12:26 PM | WTF? (Score:3 Normal)
timtebro
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Joined: 06/08/2010
MGoPoints: 1026

WTF?

You're HIV-Aladeen.

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December 7th, 2012 at 12:32 PM | Urban Meyer has no chin or (Score:3 Normal)
M Fanfare
Joined: 08/17/2008
MGoPoints: 1576

Urban Meyer has no chin or jaw. I will take this as an indication of his lack of manhood.

Hail to the college whose colors we wear,

Hurrah for the Yellow and Blue!

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December 7th, 2012 at 12:55 PM | i dont care what anyone says (Score:5 Normal)
los barcos
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Joined: 03/27/2009
MGoPoints: 215

bo pelini is my favorite coach in the bigten.

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December 7th, 2012 at 6:05 PM | he need's to get in the way (Score:2)
MKEblue
Joined: 01/16/2011
MGoPoints: 88

he need's to get in the way woo... or in the communee.

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:03 PM | So come clean, you're writing (Score:3 Normal)
saveferris
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Joined: 07/02/2009
MGoPoints: 3221

So come clean, you're writing this from one of the numerous lounges at Metro Airport after having consumed one too many martinis, right?

 

"...what do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?"

"Fix the cigarette lighter."

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:09 PM | Obviously, (Score:1)
champswest
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Joined: 10/04/2009
MGoPoints: 2017

a very slow day at MGoBlog.

"I hate losing more than I like winning." - Zack

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:11 PM | BRIAN! HEY BRIAN! (Score:2 Informative)
rcm
rcm's picture
Joined: 09/16/2009
MGoPoints: 477

HEY! catlab did Flood and Edsall, too!

http://twitpic.com/bevmoa

Don't leave them out! They're real members tooooooo!

Go Blue! Always.

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:13 PM | What is the name of the (Score:1)
707oxford
707oxford's picture
Joined: 02/13/2012
MGoPoints: 694

What is the name of the program/filter used to create this effect?

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:21 PM | Fitzgerald looks like the (Score:2)
Waldorf Wolverine
Waldorf Wolverine's picture
Joined: 07/31/2011
MGoPoints: 50

Fitzgerald looks like the surprised cat:

 

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:31 PM | Urban Meyer (Score:1)
ssuarez
Joined: 11/03/2008
MGoPoints: 226

I think that he should have plastic surgery to replace his current weak jaw with this one. Expanding it by 100% (as was done here) makes it look like the size of a normal mans jaw.

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:44 PM | Still attractive to crazed (Score:1)
YoOoBoMoLloRoHo
YoOoBoMoLloRoHo's picture
Joined: 11/01/2012
MGoPoints: 1010

ADs, Florida coeds and Ohio truck drivers. They would embrace his manliness even more with a forehead gash like Vrabel ....

"Everybody wants to be a hero, so to speak.  But it takes everybody."  - Charles Woodson

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:31 PM | Why would Dantonio have (Score:-1 Trolling)
ShariaLawFan
ShariaLawFan's picture
Joined: 11/24/2012
MGoPoints: 19

Why would Dantonio have better luck with "bible-thumping hypocrites"?  I don't understand the root of that pejorative description.

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December 8th, 2012 at 9:19 AM | That's what you took away (Score:2)
Wenham Wolverine
Joined: 08/10/2010
MGoPoints: 1233

That's what you took away from this?

Relax, guy.

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December 7th, 2012 at 1:56 PM | Aren't those elephant seals? (Score:5 Normal)
Newk
Newk's picture
Joined: 09/10/2008
MGoPoints: 333

Aren't those elephant seals? Totally different proclivities, man.

c/o '02

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December 7th, 2012 at 6:08 PM | Yeah! (Score:2)
MKEblue
Joined: 01/16/2011
MGoPoints: 88

Yeah! Where's your machine now?!?

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December 7th, 2012 at 2:03 PM | A NEW (Score:1)
TXmaizeNblue
Joined: 09/22/2010
MGoPoints: 930

LOW

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December 7th, 2012 at 2:22 PM | In the silver screens (Score:3 Normal)
entirely reasonable
entirely reasonable's picture
Joined: 07/24/2008
MGoPoints: 2517

I liked Pelini when he was in the Fargo flick

"Play hard and with great effort"

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December 7th, 2012 at 3:20 PM | Those are like elephant seals or something dude. (Score:2)
Ari1
Joined: 04/16/2009
MGoPoints: -3

Thin candy shell....Surprised you didn't know that

 

Thin Candy Shell

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December 7th, 2012 at 2:37 PM | So...we've ranked the (Score:1)
BlueDragon
BlueDragon's picture
Joined: 11/14/2010
MGoPoints: 16812

So...we've ranked the attractiveness of ten surviving B~0 coaches and two outcasts in a walrus-populated universe. Guess I don't feel so bad about making open threads for MAC games.

Abort, Retry, Fail?

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