I believe this conversation actually took place. If you don't believe it did, I will fight you in an alley.
The Big Rodriguez
I am enjoying this beverage.
Into the limo, you sonofabitch, no arguments.
Hey, there's a beverage here!
Brian is shoved in and awkwardly takes a seat facing the rear. The door is slammed behind him.
Start talking and talk fast, you lousy bum!
We've been frantically trying to reach you, EBay.
Where are my goddamn wins, you bum?
Well… we, I don't…
They did not receive the wins, you nitwit! They did not receive the goddamn wins. OUR STREAK WAS IN YOUR HANDS.
This is our concern, EBay.
No, man… nothing is fucked here, just…
NOTHING IS FUCKED? THE GODDAMN PLANE HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN.
Come on, man, just give it some time. We'll get the wins, it'll just take some time.
I—the royal we, you know, the fan we—he'll get the wins, exactly as specified—look, I've got certain information. Certain things have come to light, and, uh, has it ever occurred to you that instead of running around blaming Rich that this whole thing might just be, not, you know just such a simple, but uh—you know?
What in God's holy name are you blathering about?
I'll tell you what I'm blathering about! I got information—new shit has come to light—and, shit, man… we started a walk-on at quarterback!
Well, sure, look at it! Ridiculously young offense, gives turnovers all over town, including to known Domers—and that's cool, that's cool—but I'm saying, he needs time, and of course they're going to say he doesn't need any because they gotta feed the monkey—I mean, hasn't that ever occurred to you? Sir?
No. No, Mr. EBays, that had not occurred to me.
Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new shit, so, uh, you know, that's what you read me for. Speaking of, would it be possible to get some comped Rose Bowl tickets? I'm just worried with the demand and all…
Brandt, give him the envelope.
Well, okay, if you've got them right here.
We received it this morning.
Since you have failed to achieve, even on the modest EBay that is your site, since you have stolen my wins, and since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust…
[opens envelope, looks inside]
DEAR MICHIGAN FOOTBALL PROGRAM,
It is our deepest regret to inform you that you are not qualified to take on the third-place MAC team in Detroit. We are probably going with Wofford instead.
…I have no choice but to tell these EBay bums that they should do whatever is necessary to recover their bowl streak from you, Brian of EBay. And with Brandt as my witness, tell you this: any further harm visited on my program will be visited tenfold upon your head.
By God, sir, I will not abide another Motor City Bowl rejection letter.
INT. COFFEE SHOP
The EBay and Michael sit at the counter, both staring off into space, both absently stirring their coffee with little clinking noises.
You want a bowl? I can get you a bowl. There are ways, EBay, you don't want to know about it.
Do they involve eating two large pizzas every night?
This is great Brian, a little humor goes a long way this year!
I especially enjoyed Martin referring to you as "EBays".
Dude. This is all sorts of awesome.
I can't wait until e-mail, internets, rap music, and those damn kids today with their Dan Fogelberg and pac-man video games get involved.
That's Gittleson?! The guy looks like he was up all night blowin lines with a $20 whore.
Mike is a long haired hippie? FUCK!
At the conclusion of the Toledo game, I texted my friend "the god damned plane has crashed into the mountain." Glad we're on the same page here.
Good stuff, Brian. The best thing about your blog is that it is sane - and pretty damned funny from time to time.
I take a back seat to no one in my love for Michigan, although I think I'm on a pretty crowded seat. I want it to be the best in all dimensions, school by school, team by team and, for present purposes, fan by fan.
RichRod came from a place where the fans didn't and don't have the self confidence to look either forward or inward. The ones that went public looked insane - right up to the governor. We don't want to be like them or like their insane cousins in Columbus or any other school that can't win with at least a little dignity and lose with at least a little grace.
Coach Rich is going to coach Michigan for a long time, and he's going to win for a long time. He's off to a shitty start. Tough. Look at the quality of the man (high) and the nature of the challenge (large). We could go on losing 3-5 games a year forever, go to bowls on that basis, have a long future of "winning" seasons. We already decided we didn't want that. Everything had to change. This is part of it.
Again, Brian, thanks for your considerable contribution to sanity and at least a little dignity in a tough situation.
Dude, thanks, really needed the laugh.
Come on, we're all being very un-dude. They'll be back.
Walter Sobchak: Great (fictional) Amercain or Greatest (fictional) American?
* * * * * 5 star performer. Thanks!
For your information, the supreme court has roundly rejected prior restraint. This issue affects all of us, man! Well. Fine. I'm stayin'... Finishin' my pizzas.
This is not Nam Walter. This is Football. There are Rules.
The Rodriguez is not the issue.
Mark it zero Dude.
Bubba! You're out of your element!
...Rich Roderino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing?
Jim Brandstetter's picture instead of PSH.
Say what you will of the tenets of Ron English's 3-3-5 stack - at least's it's an ethos.
Made my day, man.
I feel hopelessly lost in the Big Lebowski quote fest. Rules and regulations and mark it zero have been taken and I can't work in a rug tying the room together joke. I really need to see a DVD version of the movie instead of the cable cut.
Goddamit, SJUBlue, you're out of your fucking element.
Michigan Football and The Big Lebowski...how to combine two of my favourite things....
"That Rod really tied the room together"
"The man in the red sweater vest, a worthy F'n adversary"
"My only hope is the big Rodriguez kills me before the Buckeyes cut my dick off"
Tressel is such a nihilist.
I'll have a sasparillo.