I believe this conversation actually took place. If you don't believe it did, I will fight you in an alley.
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The Big Rodriguez
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This post owes much to Black Heart, Gold Pants and The Big Lebowski. It also contains swears, because the Big Lebowksi does.
I am enjoying this beverage.
Into the limo, you sonofabitch, no arguments.
Hey, there's a beverage here!
INSIDE
Brian is shoved in and awkwardly takes a seat facing the rear. The door is slammed behind him.
Start talking and talk fast, you lousy bum!
We've been frantically trying to reach you, EBay.
Where are my goddamn wins, you bum?
Well… we, I don't…
They did not receive the wins, you nitwit! They did not receive the goddamn wins. OUR STREAK WAS IN YOUR HANDS.
This is our concern, EBay.
No, man… nothing is fucked here, just…
NOTHING IS FUCKED? THE GODDAMN PLANE HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN.
Come on, man, just give it some time. We'll get the wins, it'll just take some time.
WE?
I—the royal we, you know, the fan we—he'll get the wins, exactly as specified—look, I've got certain information. Certain things have come to light, and, uh, has it ever occurred to you that instead of running around blaming Rich that this whole thing might just be, not, you know just such a simple, but uh—you know?
What in God's holy name are you blathering about?
I'll tell you what I'm blathering about! I got information—new shit has come to light—and, shit, man… we started a walk-on at quarterback!
… …
Well, sure, look at it! Ridiculously young offense, gives turnovers all over town, including to known Domers—and that's cool, that's cool—but I'm saying, he needs time, and of course they're going to say he doesn't need any because they gotta feed the monkey—I mean, hasn't that ever occurred to you? Sir?
No. No, Mr. EBays, that had not occurred to me.
Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new shit, so, uh, you know, that's what you read me for. Speaking of, would it be possible to get some comped Rose Bowl tickets? I'm just worried with the demand and all…
Brandt, give him the envelope.
Well, okay, if you've got them right here.
We received it this morning.
Since you have failed to achieve, even on the modest EBay that is your site, since you have stolen my wins, and since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust…
[opens envelope, looks inside]
DEAR MICHIGAN FOOTBALL PROGRAM,
It is our deepest regret to inform you that you are not qualified to take on the third-place MAC team in Detroit. We are probably going with Wofford instead.
Sincerely,
…I have no choice but to tell these EBay bums that they should do whatever is necessary to recover their bowl streak from you, Brian of EBay. And with Brandt as my witness, tell you this: any further harm visited on my program will be visited tenfold upon your head.
By God, sir, I will not abide another Motor City Bowl rejection letter.
INT. COFFEE SHOP
The EBay and Michael sit at the counter, both staring off into space, both absently stirring their coffee with little clinking noises.
You want a bowl? I can get you a bowl. There are ways, EBay, you don't want to know about it.
Do they involve eating two large pizzas every night?
Goddamn right.
Goodbye, Gittleson.
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:30 PM
#2
Wow.
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:31 PM
#3
This is great Brian, a
This is great Brian, a little humor goes a long way this year!
I especially enjoyed Martin referring to you as "EBays".
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:40 PM
#4
Dude. This is all sorts of
Dude. This is all sorts of awesome.
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:44 PM
#5
Ooh boy
I can't wait until e-mail, internets, rap music, and those damn kids today with their Dan Fogelberg and pac-man video games get involved.
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:22 PM
#6
That's Gittleson?! Dude
That's Gittleson?! The guy looks like he was up all night blowin lines with a $20 whore.
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:53 PM
#7
Mike is a long haired
Mike is a long haired hippie? FUCK!
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:04 PM
#8
At the conclusion of the
At the conclusion of the Toledo game, I texted my friend "the god damned plane has crashed into the mountain." Glad we're on the same page here.
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:04 PM
#9
Loving Michigan
Good stuff, Brian. The best thing about your blog is that it is sane - and pretty damned funny from time to time.
I take a back seat to no one in my love for Michigan, although I think I'm on a pretty crowded seat. I want it to be the best in all dimensions, school by school, team by team and, for present purposes, fan by fan.
RichRod came from a place where the fans didn't and don't have the self confidence to look either forward or inward. The ones that went public looked insane - right up to the governor. We don't want to be like them or like their insane cousins in Columbus or any other school that can't win with at least a little dignity and lose with at least a little grace.
Coach Rich is going to coach Michigan for a long time, and he's going to win for a long time. He's off to a shitty start. Tough. Look at the quality of the man (high) and the nature of the challenge (large). We could go on losing 3-5 games a year forever, go to bowls on that basis, have a long future of "winning" seasons. We already decided we didn't want that. Everything had to change. This is part of it.
Again, Brian, thanks for your considerable contribution to sanity and at least a little dignity in a tough situation.
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:07 PM
#10
Dude, thanks, really needed
Dude, thanks, really needed the laugh.
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:08 PM
#11
Awesome
.
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:14 PM
#12
Nothing is f*cked here, dude.
Come on, we're all being very un-dude. They'll be back.
Walter Sobchak: Great (fictional) Amercain or Greatest (fictional) American?
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:29 PM
#13
wat
wat
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:41 PM
#14
Brilliant!
* * * * * 5 star performer. Thanks!
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:43 PM
#15
Genius.
Genius.
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:46 PM
#16
Oh, please, dear?
For your information, the supreme court has roundly rejected prior restraint. This issue affects all of us, man! Well. Fine. I'm stayin'... Finishin' my pizzas.
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 PM
#17
Love it
This is not Nam Walter. This is Football. There are Rules.
The Rodriguez is not the issue.
Mark it zero Dude.
Bubba! You're out of your element!
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:52 PM
#18
bravo
Nice marmot.
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:59 PM
#19
...Rich Roderino, if you're
...Rich Roderino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing?
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:21 PM
#20
One suggestion:
Jim Brandstetter's picture instead of PSH.
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:07 PM
#21
Say what you will of the
Say what you will of the tenets of Ron English's 3-3-5 stack - at least's it's an ethos.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:08 AM
#22
"I am enjoying this beverage"
Made my day, man.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:10 AM
#23
I feel hopelessly lost in the
I feel hopelessly lost in the Big Lebowski quote fest. Rules and regulations and mark it zero have been taken and I can't work in a rug tying the room together joke. I really need to see a DVD version of the movie instead of the cable cut.
November 4th, 2008 at 10:22 AM
#24
Goddamit, SJUBlue, you're
Goddamit, SJUBlue, you're out of your fucking element.
November 4th, 2008 at 8:36 AM
#25
Thumbs Up
Michigan Football and The Big Lebowski...how to combine two of my favourite things....
"That Rod really tied the room together"
"The man in the red sweater vest, a worthy F'n adversary"
"My only hope is the big Rodriguez kills me before the Buckeyes cut my dick off"
November 4th, 2008 at 3:26 PM
#26
Tressel is such a nihilist.
Tressel is such a nihilist.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:03 PM
#27
I'll have a sasparillo.
I'll have a sasparillo.
