And Now For Something Completely Different
The question is: what three coaches would you like to go drinking with the most? Also, which three would you avoid at all costs? I'm omitting the Evil Genius (hell yes) and The Orgeron (also hell yes) because they've been done. And I'm staying as far away from JL Cool J as possible because with the Ian and the masterpiece and the glaven.
- Kirk Ferentz. While writing my previews in the offseason I had cause to examine the season prospecti of most Big Ten schools. This is Iowa's. Page three, bottom right. I figure if I get him really, really drunk I can get the hookup.
I'm just sayin'.
You should totally hire me as like the strategery consultant, man, because I'm, like... watsome? Awesoot. Habtard. Good. And stuff. You need me, man. I need you. We're Abbott and Kornheiser. Oil and General Tso.
I'm Washing My Hair
Jim Tressel. Would totally torpedo my chances of picking anyone up. Conversations with girls in the vicinity would likely go like this:
Girl: So, who's Mister Rogers?
Brian: The Antichrist.
Girl: He kind of looks like a child molester.
Brian: Well... yeah. It's the vest, isn't it?
Brian: Wanna f***?
Brian: It's the vest, isn't it?
Also would probably creepily touch my arm and say "you look strong" after a few.
- Bobby Bowden. Projected conversation:
Bobby: You found Jesus, son?
Bobby: How about now?
Brian: NO. How exactly do you find Jesus?
Bobby: I think it involves beating up your girlfriend.
Bobby: If you play linebacker. You play linebacker, son?
- Hal Mumme. I have a goatee, so he'd probably end up turning me in to the FBI after checking me for explosives.
Take Home Lesson: Ferentz: hot daughter. Tressel: kind of looks like a child molester. There will be a quiz.