And Now For Something Completely Different

By Brian — November 4th, 2005 at 4:12 PM — 0 comments
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There is something of an impromptu roundtable going on at the Georgia Sports Blog. I absolutely cannot top Ian's masterpiece over at Sexy Results, but I submit the following for your approval anyway.

The question is: what three coaches would you like to go drinking with the most? Also, which three would you avoid at all costs? I'm omitting the Evil Genius (hell yes) and The Orgeron (also hell yes) because they've been done. And I'm staying as far away from JL Cool J as possible because with the Ian and the masterpiece and the glaven.

As follows.

Bottoms Up

  • Kirk Ferentz. While writing my previews in the offseason I had cause to examine the season prospecti of most Big Ten schools. This is Iowa's. Page three, bottom right. I figure if I get him really, really drunk I can get the hookup.

I'm just sayin'.

  • Joe Paterno. I would have great fun squinting off into the distance and saying "I reckon that thar looks like one of them refs," as it would cause Paterno to throw back some Jager and start gamboling after him, yipping like a scotch terrier. At the end of the night I would reveal myself as the real power behind the Penn State-hating Big Ten Officiating Illuminati and give him the secret sign of power. (Not literally. I would teach him the sign.)
  • Lloyd Carr. WHY DID YOU PUNT WITH THREE MINUTES LEFT IN THE PENN STATE GAME? ANSWER ME!

    You should totally hire me as like the strategery consultant, man, because I'm, like... watsome? Awesoot. Habtard. Good. And stuff. You need me, man. I need you. We're Abbott and Kornheiser. Oil and General Tso.

    • I'm Washing My Hair


    • Eight-year-olds, Dude.

      Jim Tressel. Would totally torpedo my chances of picking anyone up. Conversations with girls in the vicinity would likely go like this:

      Girl: So, who's Mister Rogers?
      Brian: The Antichrist.
      Girl: He kind of looks like a child molester.
      Brian: Well... yeah. It's the vest, isn't it?
      Girl: Yeah.
      Brian: Wanna f***?
      Girl: No.
      Brian: It's the vest, isn't it?

      Also would probably creepily touch my arm and say "you look strong" after a few.

    • Bobby Bowden. Projected conversation:

      Bobby: You found Jesus, son?
      Brian: No.
      Bobby: How about now?
      Brian: No.
      Bobby: How--
      Brian: NO. How exactly do you find Jesus?
      Bobby: I think it involves beating up your girlfriend.
      Brian: Really?
      Bobby: If you play linebacker. You play linebacker, son?

    • Hal Mumme. I have a goatee, so he'd probably end up turning me in to the FBI after checking me for explosives.

    Take Home Lesson: Ferentz: hot daughter. Tressel: kind of looks like a child molester. There will be a quiz.

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