...says Denzel Valentine of Big Ten Tourney favorite MSU, which is 5-7 in its last 12 games. Cumong, man.
So, I've finally been able to work my way through HTTV 2013 - available for the low, Lowe price of $15.00 at the MGoStore. A great read, one I highly advise others to partake in before the season if possible. It's filled with updated depth charts, position-by-position breakdowns, coach-speak, heartfelt discussions about past, present, and future players, and lots more.
But the most interesting part of the magazine, at least to me, is the sheer number of unexpected revelations about the team, UM in general, other B1G programs, and college football in general. Heck, there are even some stupefying revelations about the MGoCommunity.
Now, major spoiler alerts and all that, but I tried to compile the most shocking tidbits the writers unearthed this year and have listed them below. I welcome others to add to this list, as I'm sure I missed a couple of things.
- Denard Robinson did not in fact injure his arm in Nebraska; he simply wanted to usher in the Gardner era earlier than expected so that fans, opponents, the fambling public, etc. could get a taste for 2013 and beyond.
Jake Ryan did not tear his ACL in the offseason. In fact, he was serving as Chris Hemsworth stunt double in the new Thor movie.
- Drew Dileo isn't white, he's clear, and this transparency allows him to elude LBs and DBs more easily.
- One of Greg Mattison's goals before he speaks with the departing seniors is to review all of the gametape he has for that player in order to provide a comprehensive account of how that team helped UM while on campus. When watching Jordan Kovacs's film, though, he sometimes noticed that the rest of the players in the secondary were seemingly not on the field, as he saw only one set of cleat prints on the field against teams like VT, NW, and MSU. When Mattison asked Jordan about this, Kovacs simply replied "That is when I carried you." And then he disappeared...to Miami.
The cinematic masterpiece Sharknado was not inspired by the fever-dream delusions of a meth-addled screenwriter or a collection of Reddit users, but by the epic 2011 contest between UM and MSU. Ian Ziering has already reserved his seats for the 2013 game in preparation for filming Sharknado 2. In his words, and I'm amazed tiny microphones are this sensitive, "I'm only going to be able to feel that real sense of dread and terror of utter despair by experiencing the 2013 MSU football season in all of its wind-tunneled glory."
So this, but with sharks!
- Al Borges used to love running screens on offense, but then this happened and he seriously doesn't want to talk about it.
- In a bit of meta site news, 99% of the funny things posted on the site are from Lloyd Carr's graduate student sweat shop he runs in Fort Schembechler. The other 1% come from all the lawyers and engineers up in here!
- Brady Hoke's golden poop will be used to finance Rutger's entire athletic department until 2020. Mark Dantonio offered his tears to fill the Rutgers swimming pool but Mark Dantonio doesn't cry ever because he's totally awesome brah.
- In anticipation of the Wildcats possible Run for the Roses this year, hedge funds and medical schools across the country are being advised to expect applications from Northwestern to be delivered promptly and immaculately, because nobody cares about NW football.
- Even 3 years after The Process, the stench from all of the dead horses buried in the MGoBackyard remains as pungent as ever.
- Much has been made about Urban Meyer's current time at OSU, but HTTV delved a bit deeper into his past to help divine the potential future for the Buckeyes. What they found was the *shocking* revelation that Meyer's Evil Doppelganger Rural Kroger was actually the one running the Florida program some years ago, only Urban didn't want to say anything because it just seemed like a huge hassle. Also, he has no recollection of Aaron Hernandez meeting with Doc Brown and being on the Hindenberg, an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic in 1912, or in the room when they greenlit Batman & Robin.
Great Scott! Giving him the keys was a bad idea!
- The MGoBlog phone apps secretly record you pooping, Jeremy. So knock it off with that thing we talked about during group, okay. It's really weird.
I know, really interesting stuff. I'm sure I missed things, so I welcome people pointing them out in the comments. Seriously, though, but the book. It's good stuff.
EDIT: Well, this went over well. Ah, bring on the Neg Bang. I'm man enough for it.
So, I'm confused. I just went on kickstarter to add an additional $45 pledge (for a couple more football HTTV & 1 more basketball hockey HTTV.) It seems like it wiped out my original pledge. Can someone more computer savvy than I am explain how to do multiple pledges for multiple copies? Thanks in advance to young whippersnappers who know how to do this.
On this eve of the new college football season, I’ve already started to become a bit sentimental. Starting tomorrow we will watch one of the single most important figures in the history of Michigan football play the first game of his final season in the Maize and Blue. From his first snap against Western where he made the collect minds of the Michigan faithful blow out the back of their skulls, to the Notre Dame game last year, Denard has made Michigan fans hopeful again. His exuberant smile and dedication to our favorite university has made him a beloved figure in Michigan lore.
Denard, I think I speak on behalf of the Michigan faithful when saying, “Thank you!” Thank you for being a fantastic representative of the University of Michigan in the national spotlight. Thank you for bringing Michigan football back from the depths of Hell. Thank you for everything that you’ve done. I look forward to watching you play your final season in a Michigan uniform.
I guess to end this short but earnest post; I would like to ask the MGoFaithful what their favorite Denard moment has been?