"What (Michigan coaches) told me is that they're focusing on point guards right now, but if anything opens up, they'll definitely come back on and recruit me as hard as they were," said Towns
This is hysterical and a great idea for a video.
"Inspiring final lines of a speech that douchebags will quote in their Facebook profile!"
An Open Letter to the Douchebags Who Sat in front of Me for the Penn State Game:
I just wanted to reach out and thank you for adding a big dollop of douche dressing to the shit sandwich that was the Penn State game on Saturday. Not sure if my serotonin levels could have been so low without you. It all started when you astutely realized, as an accomplished football observer, that it was Unacceptable for the ball to be snapped past the quarterback and through the back of the end zone. I'm not sure that Tate or Moosman realized the error of their ways - or how to correct that error - until you screamed for them to pull their head out of their ass. Well played. Likewise, your squeals of righteous indignation when the referee reset the play clock to 25 seconds after Michigan's field goal at the end of the half were perfectly understandable, if not inevitable - I mean, you're football geniuses, but I bet even Bill Bellichek has trouble keeping the game clock and the play clock straight sometimes. What the hell is with those two clocks, anyway? If not Unacceptable, that degree of complexity is certainly Bullshit.
It really made the 40 degree drizzle feel like a warm tongue bath from Mother Nature when one of your Merry Band of Paunch and Disappointing Home Lives realized the phonetic similarity between Koger and Kroger, and I was treated to the delightful bon mot "Go Bag Some Groceries, Koger!" about 14 fucking times. By the time the third quarter rolled around and y'all were asking for scholarships to be revoked it was really no surprise; still less so when the most majestic of your number stood up and proclaimed that he should put some pads on and go tackle someone himself if the team wasn't going to do it. I'm surprised it took so long for someone in your group to remember - and invoke, for the collective edification of the rest of the section - your glory days of (junior?) varsity football, only three decades past, when sex was still free and (generally) consensual.
You, good sirs, achieved an almost unheard level of douchebag fan achievement on Saturday, and I hope your drunken commute home collided only with telephone poles, non load-bearing concrete, or the Huron River, and not any worthwhile human beings.
Big Ups and Go Blue,