when keepin it real goes wrong

A twitter troll finds out what happens when keepin' it real goes wrong, ESPN continues to be ESPN, Sparty continues to be Sparty, a junior hockey team scores at 4:20 , and... Jose Canseco.

Dad, We’re Well Out of Range

Boxers can’t get all the way over here…

If you’ve ever seen a kid at the zoo, you probably laughed a little inside when he was deathly frightened by the tiger behind the giant piece of tiger-proof Plexiglas.  “After all,” you thought to yourself, “doesn’t he know that we’re safe here?” But when you think about it, the kid is probably right; the tiger PROBABLY won’t be able to get to us, but if he does… TIGER.

This brings us to the cautionary tale of “The Master,” (aka @jimmyob88) a troll who trolled the wrong dude. After professional boxer Curtis Woodhouse lost a fight, our internet tough guy started to taunt the ACTUAL tough guy, saying things like (edits mine):

@woodhousecurtis Haha u lost u silly mug fight a 10 year old next time if u want to actually win u waste of [reproductive fluids]

— the master (@jimmyob88) March 11, 2013

Random internet dude taunts athlete. Shocking news. But wait, who left the door to the tiger cage open?

Someone told Woodhouse who Jimmy was, and more importantly, where he lived. Now, to be clear, I am not advocating vigilante justice. I am not advocating vigilante justice. I am not… okay, screw it. Vigilante justice please. The best part was that Woodhouse live-tweeted his journey of impending doom:

HEY THERE, KITTY KITTY.  It was at this point, when this dude saw a picture of his own street sign that our troll friend decided, “maybe I should apologize.”

@woodhousecurtis i am sorry its getting abit out of hand i am in the wrong i accept that

— the master (@jimmyob88) March 11, 2013

The lessons here are pretty clear. Sure, you probably shouldn’t troll athletes for all the usual reasons (it’s an immature thing to do, it reflects poorly on you and the things you support, it can come back to bite you professionally, it’s intrusive on people who are simply trying to do their jobs, blah blah blah), but also because they might show up at your door feelin’ all punchy.

Then again, if you have a raw steak you can throw at them, they might get distracted.

Embrace Counting

NFL free agency began this week, which is ESPN’s signal to remove Adam Schefter from his undersea lair and unleash him Kraken-like upon the sports world.  Schefter does a great job, and has sources in every conceivable corner of professional football. ESPN, though, may have taken their Schefter love a bit too far:

(h/t @bubbaprog)

That’s an hour-by-hour count of how many tweets Schefter sent on Tuesday. It’s not about WHAT he was tweeting, but was instead about how MUCH he was tweeting. Now, I didn’t see the segment, so I have no idea what point they were trying to make, but I have some guesses:

• “As you can see, a bunch of interesting stuff happened in the NFL during the 3:00 hour.”
• “Once Schefter stopped live-tweeting ‘Dr. Phil‘, he sent out a bunch of good NFL-related info.”
• “NUMBERS DON’T LIE. HERE ARE SOME NUMBERS.”
• “Is Schefter still elite? Or is he coasting based on his 3:00 success?”
• “Look, we have 24 hours to fill on each of ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPNNEWS, ESPN Deportes, and ESPN Classic. YOU try to do that without resorting to crap like this.”

Speaking of the Worldwide Leader…

Last week there was a dumbass segment on ESPN First Take. They call the segment “ESPN First Take.” It was a ‘debate’ between Skip Bayless and Richard Sherman, and it was everything you have come to expect from that. I don’t want to poison your mind with the stupid, but if you really want to watch it, click here but do not click there. Bill Simmons, who is an ESPN employee, took to Twitter to declare his displeasure:

ESPN responded with their usual easy-going attitude about criticism, by which I mean that according to Deadspin they suspended Simmons from Twitter for a couple of days.  This is apparently not the first time they’ve done this to Simmons. 

So yeah, ESPN gave one of their biggest names a time-out for sassing. No word on whether Simmons was made to write statements on a blackboard or sit in a corner to think about what he’s done. They can’t confront Simmons about it because that would make it a bigger story, and because Simmons was right. They can’t AGREE with Simmons, because that would mean starting a conflict with Skip Bayless and OH MY GOD STOP GIVING SKIP BAYLESS THINGS TO TALK ABOUT THAT ARE ABOUT SKIP BAYLESS. I suppose their other option would be to just shrug and move on with life, but that was… unlikely.  So they needed to do something, and they decided to go with a petty slap on the wrist.

But does it strike me as really petty and pointless to take away one communication medium from a guy who has as many platforms of communication as Simmons. It also seems really stupid to piss off Simmons, who is one of the less scoffed-at figures in the ESPN empire. They’re down to very few “personalities” who aren’t openly scorned by everyone not employed by ESPN. Take a look at this list of “commentators” and count the people aren’t absolutely terrible. Now tell me they can afford to lose Simmons.

Pot, Meet Kettle

Drake Harris shocked the college recruiting world recently when he announced that he was decommitting from Michigan State. As expected, a number of people took this news not so well. One in particular, though, caught my eye (since deleted):

If this Drake Harris kid decommits from MSU and goes to #scUM he better keep his ass out of East Lansing. #chump

~Brian Linthicum (‏@B_Linthicum88)

Okay, dumbass 14-year-olds and random unbalanced folks I can understand. They don’t see these recruits as human beings, but rather as abstract star-ratings on a recruiting board. What I can’t understand is a former football player not “getting it.” He’s been through this process. He knows what it’s like to not be sure about your school choice. And do you know how I know that? BECAUSE BRIAN LINTHICUM TRANSFERED SCHOOLS AFTER HIS FRESHMAN YEAR. He started at Clemson, but then transferred to Michigan State. And now Drake Harris is a “chump” because he chose one school and then changed his mind?

I’ll cut a lot of people a lot of slack for a lot of things, but I don’t feel bad saying this: stick to drunken bar fights, getting tazed, and not making the Jets, Brian.

Well There’s Your Problem

The Battle Creek Revolution, a Junior A team in the NA3HL, did not have a good year. They finished 7-38-1-2 and were outscored by about a billion goals (by my read of the stats, they gave up more GOALS than their team had POINTS. That’s… yowza). Well, the team’s official Twitter account wants you to know why:

Now, this is Junior A hockey. And it’s hockey. Of course the players are getting drunk and high. But could a team really get 7-38 high?  How much weed do you have to smoke as a team to rack up a –571?  There’s “hung over,” and then there’s “started 0-25 hung over.”

Weekly Jose Canseco Update

I’d say something, but I’m afraid Canseco would drive to my house.