unicorn vomiting a kitten

Welcome to the least interesting spring in memory. Position roll call:

• QB: is JJ.
• RB is Corum and Edwards.
• WR is Johnson, Wilson, Henning, and the next generation.
• TEs are Loveland, Barner, and Bredeson.
• IOL is Keegan/Nugent/Zinter. Outside has three guys who started last year and two transfers.
• DTs are Jenkins and Graham, Grant, Benny, and Goode.
• DEs are Stewart and some combination of McGregor, Moore, and Harrell.
• LBs are Colson and Barrett again, except this time with depth.
• Safeties are Moore and Paige, with a lot of options behind them.
• Nickel is Sainristil.
• Cornerback is Will Johnson and OPEN.
• Punter is Doman
• Kicker is OPEN.

That's it. We're choosing between four seemingly good options at tackle, trying to find a 2nd and third cornerback, and waiting to see if the kicker will be the freshman or a walk-on. With so many depth charts settled, instead of finding the drama at each position we're gonna have to go out and find it.

The Rule of Offseason is skepticism should be your natural stance. The program wants to sell hype. They know what the concerns are going in, and will seek to fill the information vacuum with whatever you most want to believe. This puts us in a weird position this year because what we want to believe about most of this team is also, you know, backed up by way more evidence than any spring talk can rig. There are so few spots not occupied by an obvious starter (or ten). So let's start with the group that lost everybody.

Specialists

Have I played the part well? Then applaud as I exit. [Paul Sherman]

What's the drama? Who's going to replace a mustached legend at punter, and the greatest kicker in program history?

What do we want to hear? Well, honestly, if Robbins wasn't so established and a 6th year senior and all that, he probably would have been passed by Tommy Doman last season, because Doman was outkicking him after Robbins got hurt. Also Moody was holding back some incredible kickers.

What are we hearing? He's a pinball wizard($).

Doman may have to handle all three major specialist duties. He’d be the first Michigan player to kick off, place kick and punt since Kenny Allen in 2016. “I plan to do that, for sure,” Doman told TheWolverine.com. “Just whatever the team needs me to be, I can do all three. That’s why I’ve been good at being a backup for them at those two positions, and I’m excited to compete at all three jobs.”

For On3 subscribers, that's a whole interview with Doman, including lots of bits about how Moody and Robbins prepared. Rhett Anderson was listed as one of the kicking competitors but wasn't on the spring roster, so the other kicking candidates are walk-on Charlie Mentzer and true freshman Adam Samaha, who will enroll this summer.

What it means: Doman did come in as a both-things guy. Punting-wise we've heard so much about him the last couple of years that I'm willing to buy he's at least a replacement for injured-Robbins last year, and probably closer to the Hangtime So Long You Can Read a Book version of Robbins from 2021. As a kicker, man, I can't predict #CollegeKickers when they're the reigning Groza winner; you want me to tell you what a new guy will do, sight unseen, when he spends half of his time punting? Is he our Commodus who grasped too much and in so doing ushered in a century of crisis that people who talk about history skip over way too often? Or is this just the bloodless ascension of Tiberius after the long reign of Augustus and Agrippa, with Rhett "Agrippa Postumus" Anderson exiled to ensure a smooth transition of power. Will Doman then find the challenges of handling all of these kicking jobs too stressful and elevate a younger Sejanus, or Adam Samaha as circumstances dictate, as his partner in labours? Could I exhaust this bit any further? Yes, of course. But let's get to the main story.

[After THE JUMP: A meter and a sloth gif.]

Here is your kitten.

Via Res Ipsa Etc.