I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU SONNY
Twitter is serious bizness
Pork and Beef
This week, possibly in response to Mitch McGary’s fabulous work on Instagram, the football team pretty much decided to made the un-moving pictures their donkey. And per Brian’s instructions, we begin once again with Dr. Hamlet III:
And since I’ve been making an effort to be more informative and less snarky, this presents an opportunity to analyze the…
THINGS WE LEARNED:
- These linemen have a much more forgiving landlord than I had in Ann Arbor. They can have a pig. I couldn't have a fish.
- It's really easy to get into Michigan's Med School if you're a legacy, and even easier if you're a second-generation legacy.
- P1G, like the B1G, seems to have the most success with small bowls.
- If Lewan had ONE more season in Ann Arbor, I'm pretty sure we'd see this at some point next offseason:
Before that, though, several members of the offense took last week’s ManBearCrombie to the next level, and presented us with an overload of OMG Shirtless:
NOT PICTURED: weakness of any kind
THINGS WE LEARNED:
- Adidas apparently makes all of Michigan's workout apparel, too, and like the rest of the Adidas stuff it all fell apart and left the athletes shirtless. New shirts will probably be delivered by early December.
- Michigan's football team, despite their shoes, can receive no service. They can't figure out why.
- If you want, you can play tic-tac-toe on Taylor Lewan's shoulder (PROTIP: The only winning move is not to play).
- Sione Houma may or may not be Tongan Steve Breaston.
- Fitz Toussaint once killed a velociraptor.
- Michigan's offense is composed of very large men. And Jeremy Gallon.
Your parody account is bad and you should feel bad
Most of you have probably heard of a young man from Grand Rapids named Drake Harris. Mr. Harris said a while back that he would spend a few years at Michigan State playing kicky-throwy ball AND dribbly-shooty ball, but then he changed his mind about the dribbly-shooty part and decided to play his kicky-throwy ball at Michigan. This did not go over well in East Lansing, and elicited a pile of the usual Twitter crap. But that was six weeks ago, so the iron has cooled considerably.
But don’t tell that to the creator of what is almost certainly the worst parody account in the history of mimicry:
Yep, it’s an account dedicated to Drake Harris’s Ego, which Sparty* believes to be a thing. Setting aside the fact that this guy created an account mocking a kid, this is just a terrible account. First, I don’t think he knows what “ego” means. But more importantly, he failed to meet the first (and really the only) rule of parody accounts: they are supposed to be funny. I mean, objectively speaking, who is going to find that funny?
Oh, hey there one time Michigan State commit and current UCLA Bruin offensive lineman Caleb Benenoch. To summarize: a guy who decommitted from State loves that there is an account dedicated to the ego demonstrated by a guy who decommitted from State. I can’t even begin to unwrap the Spartyness of this tweet. It’s like a mobius strip of Spartyfreude; it just folds back into itself until you don’t know where you started but god this thing is nifty.
*And yes, this was the doing of Sparty. A confirmed State fan created the account, and then allegedly turned over control to someone else. I won’t out the creator, but mostly because I don’t feel like chasing down the details because I don’t much care.
Speaking of things about which you should feel bad
In related Drake Harris news, he continues to catch crap on Twitter for choosing a college, including a concerted effort from one guy in particular who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of “boundaries.” Harris finally called him on it:
Sure enough, I looked through Doug E. Fresh’s Tweets, and an uncomfortable percentage of them are to Drake Harris. Add in the alleged Facebook stalking, and we’ve got ourselves a Stage 5 Clinger. And then there’s the text of the message itself, in which this guy blames Harris for all of the hate he’s receiving because he’s “living with the consequences” of his decisions. It’s your classic “he was asking for it” defense, except here the “asking for it” was in the form of “selected an institution of higher education.”
This should serve as a reminder to the scores of you who still contact recruits through social media that it is a terrible, terrible idea, and not just because of the creepiness factor. They might see your comments, call you out, and make you look like a maroon in front of the whole internet. This guy is a real estate agent who uses his name and business information in his Twitter profile. And I will remind you that Michigan fans buy houses in west Michigan, as do people who don’t like being creeped the hell out by awkward people. So, congratulations, Mr. Ditmar, I dub thee TWITTER CREEPER OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK.**
**This name probably won’t stick. Also this probably won’t be a regular thing.
[ED:BiSB - The purpose of this section was not to encourage people to seek retribution. People should not attempt to contact or further escalate the situation. Let the Universe unfold of its own accord.]
[/Insert words here]
I don’t want to talk about this. But I think you have to see it, so… here it is. Warning: it’s slightly Not Safe For Breakfast.
(H/T @LandGrant33, and by H/T I mean Y U HATE MY EYES?)
Bucknuts. That is all.
Car washings is serious business
NCAA rules are dumb. But until now, we didn’t know just how dumb:
Yup, a University had to report a secondary violation because an athlete washed her car with University water. According to Lost Lettermen, the full story is about as dumb as you would expect:
A WCC school self-reported an extra benefits violation to the NCAA when university officials caught one of their women’s golfers washing her car on campus, according to the source. The NCAA ruled a secondary violation had occurred because the water was not available to regular students and demanded the golfer pay back $20, which was deemed to be the value of the water and use of the hose.”
It was a violation because the USE OF A HOSE WAS AN IMPERMISSIBLE BENEFIT. And she had to PAY $20 because the hose wasn’t available to the general student body. In other words, this thing that is generally unavailable to the general student body is fine:
Ross Academic Center
And this will lead us slouching to SMU:
Once again, fine:
Save us Obi-Wan KenO’Bannon. You’re our only hope.
(NOTE: the second violation, while less funny, is probably worse. How can someone make some kind of impermissible contact with a recruit when he doesn’t know who he is talking to? We lawyer types call that “mens rea.” Everyone else calls it “holy itchy Gold Bond balls, use some common sense you ridiculous tools”)
Ohio: Worst State Ever, but improving?
The University of Cincinnati baseball team had a rough year, finishing just 6-18 in Big East play, which is probably because baseball isn't any of the players' first loves. They were born to be swimmers:
or explorers, Roman emperors, big game hunters, or… well, swimmers again. These gentlemen will be going professional in something other than sports. Unless that swimming thing works out, in which case that'd be sports.
Rock Bottom Update
Look, Amanda, you seem like a nice girl and all, certain amazing but somewhat NSFW headlines notwithstanding. But this is about the point in your life when you are going to want to reconsider some stuff.
Sparty Gonna No.
A list of things that people believe will make them more successful than a football scholarship to Michigan State University:
1. A football scholarship to the University of Michigan (obvs)
2. A football scholarship to Northwestern University
3. A music career with dese skillz:
(Heads up: video contains explicit lyrics and imagery, and really bad rap):
Mark Hollis did say yesterday that they're trying to make the Big Ten more hip, but then MSU admitted they dropped him weeks ago when the first blunt hit the YouTubes. Which is probably correct but doesn't make MSU's receiver recruiting any less hilarious.
Some Stuff the Other People Already Posted
I post once per week, and Brian posts daily, so sometimes he gets to the good stuff first. Now, I could put in the effort to go find other stuff. But I am exceedingly lazy, so we’ll all just pretend that he didn’t already post this stuff, and we will laugh at it anew. Good? Good.
With this week’s announcement of Marvin Robinson’s transfer, Michigan lost the quintessential OMG Shirtless player. M-Rob was the patriarch of the movement [Tyrece Butler is its godfather], and his loss will be deeply felt. But when Angry Michigan OMG Shirtless Hating God closes a door, He opens a window into some crazy stuff. Behold what AMOMGSHG has given us:
Maybe this is a response to the Abercrombie and Fitch CEO saying he didn’t want… uh… larger people wearing their clothing. Maybe they just honestly forgot to wear shirts that day. But I like to think that they were assuring the apprehensive Michigan faithful that the shirtless tradition would continue, albeit in a much more MANBALL fashion.
This also has the makings of a great ‘positive self-image’ campaign:
It doesn’t matter if you’re a little pasty white. Or if you’re carrying a few extra pounds around the midsection. Or if you don’t have what would be considered a “neck” by traditional standards. Or if you make questionable fashion and facial hair choices. As long as you can pancake a sumbitch or two, you are beautiful.
[One side note: Brian referred to this incident as “AmBearcrombie and Bearfitch.” I humbly submit “ManBearCrombie” as an alternate nickname. ]
Elsewhere in wonderfully poachable Twitter-related news, Greg Mattison sat in a truck.
[After the jump]
So Brian talked to me about potentially posting some front page stuff from time to time, but format, style, content, and side dishes are yet to be set in stone. If anyone has thoughts, I'm all ears. In the meantime, I present some of the relevent happenings on the Twitters from the last week or so. Enjoy.
People Weren't Hypersensitive about Derrick Green or Anything
As you may have heard, Derrick Green is a rather talented running back-type creature from Virginia who held an announcement on Saturday. And with all signs pointing toward Michigan, It would clearly take a lot to shake Michigan fans' collective confidence and get other schools' fans' hopes up.
Imma shock the world tomorrow lol!! You just dont no!!
— D.GREEN #⃣2⃣7⃣ (@BrOoKyLn_boii27) January 25, 2013
Nope, never mind, that'll do it. Faced with two possible interpretations ("everything you have heard from dozens of insiders and paid professionals is wrong," or "I'd like to leave some suspense in this inevitable announcement"), a number of fans told Occam to take a coffee break:
5 star RB Derrick Green says he will shock the world... probably not Michigan then.
— EagleDamnWar (@EagleDamnWar) January 25, 2013
5-star RB Derrick Green says he will shock the world. I think that means he will choose either Tennessee or Auburn
— Auburn Blogger (@AuburnBlogger) January 25, 2013
As you know, Green proceeded to shock the world by doing what everyone pretty much expected him to do. And while Michigan rejoiced with Green's selection, several Auburn and Tennessee fans (and at least one State fan) took things less than in stride. The Big House Report chronicles a few people who should maybe sit the next round out. PROTIP: if you are thinking about taking to social media to wish spinal damage upon someone for choosing a college that displeases you... maybe don't?
Confessions of a Derperous Mind
You know how Bond villains always explain their diabolical plan to 007, thereby ultimately spoiling their chances to pull off the caper? Twitter has become the modern-day real-world slow moving groin laser thingy. A couple of players at Florida International decided to take a recruit to a strip club, and then to tweet that they had taken a recruit to a strip club. What say you, FIU defensive back Demarkus Perkins?
Look, I get it. College guys tend to like women. Recruits tend to like women. Strip clubs have women. And sure, recruiting trips probably involve women more often than not. But DEAR LORD dude.
For a few hours last weekend, Michigan looked like it had FINALLY secured the commitment of 2014 WR Rodney Davis. Davis tweeted (since deleted) that he had committed to Michigan, and exchanged tweets with Michael Ferns and David Dawson. There was only one catch: no one had ever heard of Rodney Davis. Neither Rivals, Scout, 247, nor ESPN had profiles for him. In fact, "one catch" barely overstates the case; Davis only had 8 catches for 118 yards and a TD for his entire junior year. Some folks laughed, some fretted, and some, predictably, hit the roof/bottle. And sure enough, the next day Davis tweeted:
@DreamTeam_RoRo1: Sorry For The Misunderstanding I Was Only On A MLK Trip And Did NOT Commit To University Of Michigan
Yeah, okay. Davis' argument is that when he meant he had committed to play football at Michigan, he really meant that he was spending a day in Ann Arbor. It's like that time you were playing Monopoly, and tried to bump your piece from "In Jail" to "Just Visiting." Or that time you were just "asking that hooker for directions." But who really deserves the blame here: the uncle who claims to have stolen your nose, or the entire fanbase who flips out because "HOLY CRAP, MY NOSE"?
But as strange as the Davis Incident was, it actually trumped in weirdness by Stanley Williams, a 2014 Georgia commit, giving an interview about how well his visit to Notre Dame went... when he didn't actually end up making the visit. It's one thing for a random high school kid to have some kicks by throwing Michigan blog circles into a tizzy over the alleged Snow White of all sleeper commits, but for a relatively highly-regarded recruit to do this is just odd.
I fear we have entered into the Lennay Kekua Era* of social media, in which people don't feel bound by "reality" or "things what had happened." Buckle up, folks, because this is going to get worse before it gets better.
[*PLZ NOTE: The Te'o jokes are approaching the shark with great speed. They've surpassed That's What She Said, and are quickly gaining ground on "Wasssaaaaap." YOLO status might be obtained within the week.]
Ron English Lives on Prey
Former Michigan DC and current EMU head coach Ron English wins the "Succinct Yet awesome Twitter Profile of the Year" award:
I don't know what kind of Angry Bird the Rapacious Bird would be, but I'm guessing the game would be a heck of a lot easier (H/T @Nastinchka)
Attn: Mark Hollis
Kolton Parker (@koltonparker) authored this interesting piece about the Texas legislature attempting to prohibit its universities from requiring its student athletes to submit all their login information to a monitoring service that examines their social media contributions for inappropriate content. Apparently Texas and Texas Tech already require their athletes to submit to the service, which combs Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace (yep, MySpace, because why not) for such risque words as "Xploshun," "Muertoing," and "Bud Lite." Hooligans, I tell you. Ruffians.
There are a couple of problems with this proposal. They can try to prohibit the mandatory use of these services, but after the Freep Incident, we all know the phrase "practice is optional, but so is playing time." Coaches can be very persuasive, even in the absence of official rules. Moreover, I have it on good authority that many schools already have people who spend much of their day examining athlete social media for improper content (albeit primarily in the public domain).
But more to the point, if you think these companies can come up with an algorithm that can track inappropriate content, I scoff. My son is 9 weeks old, and he already knows slang that makes me cock my head. Besides, a tweet doesn't have to have "inappropriate words," to be embarrassing as hell to a University. Follow ur OWN social media policy.
Unrelated Tweet Of The Week
The Dallas Police Department has issued a look-how-many-points bulletin:
Our apologies for the fruit Ninja tweet sent earlier. One of our kids played the game on our iPhone and unknowingly tweeted their score. (@DallasPD) January 28, 2013